Where are you at in life?

[quietwoods]

late 20s. reasonably successful, career-wise, but hopeless when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships -- both platonic and romantic. chalk it up to autism and trauma, i guess. major depressive episodes started in my early 20s. antidepressants and psychology helped until they didn't. hobbies provide some measure relief (provided i am not burnt out).

i'm just keeping up appearances, at this stage. 'the light's on, but no one's home.' :)

I was going to post something but this is almost exactly me (just turned 30) .

Bravo +1

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

Thanks for the answers. It's really interesting to see the different situations people are in.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

After a big failure in life, I'm basically where I was after I graduated school. The only difference is that I'm not 19/20 but almost 50. And that's a death sentence. If I want to get out of the hole I'm trapped in I'll have to start from scratch but everything is so unattainable.

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm 61 and literally towards the end of my life. My diagnoses look like the table of contents in the front of dsm-5. But I'm still not quite ready to ctb

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Working full time and attending grad school full time. Burning out. Feeling empty.

 

[princejohnny]

My life is crap. I work a job that I hate with no way out. I dropped out of college due to suicidal ideation and anxiety. I'm constantly alone and desperately lonely. I can't even afford a cat. Social anxiety has ruined my life and I just want out at this point. Life is cruel.

 

[finallydone]

at the point of needing to kill someone before i die myself

 

[Nadienobody]

I'm over 30 and never had a real job, I didn't leave my house for many years and even online I didn't talk to people. Now I'm trying to recover but it feels useless. I don't have the experiences that I'm supposed to have at this age.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

OP I'm sorry that you're in a situation where you're being analyzed to determine your ability to work, considering your situation. It's very sad to me that modern western society acknowledges the facticity of mental health, yet forces people through a sieve to get help.

To answer your question about where I'm at in life. I'm 46 and am working a job I don't like to get by. I have attempted to ctb multiple times throughout my life, but obviously haven't been successful. I currently want to ctb, but feel that I can't as I don't want to burden my longtime partner. He's dealt with so much loss in his life and I don't want to do that to him. In all honesty, if he wasn't in my life I would make practical ctb plans (I have several in the works).

I first attempted to CTB at 16. I honestly wish that first attempt was successful, but now I'm in life situations that make that step difficult. Even though I value my partner, I also resent them as they make this step difficult/impossible.

This is in no way meant to be an encouragement towards action. I'm just sharing my experience and current feelings.

 

[seppuku404]

I'm away from home, away from friends, mid 20s with no actual perspectives of a good life ahead, never had any drive on interest in anything really, the girl who made me want to live and isn't far away doesn't care about me anymore.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm 21, not sure where I am, if IT education goes well.. around 2026-2027 or so I might be working :)


Note:
Tho as early as around October 2024 when I got 'stuck' and fell behind tasks (and might be stuck in a bad room for another trimester, one that is either hot or a bit cold coz a stupid thermostat isn't setup right... as well as have ppl irl disappointed)... I made a text document listing potential ways to not exist (didn't save the Document, also that death wish faded)

At least the classes in 2025 were in rooms that had decent temperature, and seemed to go better too.

 

[Bowerbird]

NEET in my early 20s. Dropped out of school, lost cause. at least i finally found my soulmate...

...but idk if i would have a chance with them if im not a girl anymore. part of why i was scared to transition (im afab) for a while was because i didnt want to give up my chance to be with them, but i also cant live as a miserable girl forever... like either way im gonna suffer

 

[wham311]

Neet. Too ashamed to go outside. Running out of money. Ruined a lot of loved ones lives. I don't go 7 seconds without being horrifically triggered by something.

I think I am developing saliadenitis and don't produce saliva. My teeth need cleaning bad and I am tired of going in public and people not making eye contact with me.

I lost everything. 7 months ago. I have almost no clothes left and my muscles have atrophied and my hair and body are weird. I go to social media all day to distract. I love my dog but I am absolutely over taking care of her. I am a terrible person and I just want out and it won't happen for five decades.

Sleep is the only break and I'm running out of sleeping pills. I wake up every few hours due to incapacitating nightmares. yhen I lay in bed until I have to pee. Sometimes I make it to noon repeating all these absolutely traumatic thoughts in my head and adding whatever traumatic thoughts I've remembered from the day prior.

I know this will be my life until the day I die and that is a long time from now.

I am thoroughly socially isolated. I am poison to people. I never should have been around them. I never should have been born.

 

[Szarur-abi]

23 here
Last year same time, failed final year of studies, tried to CTB via SN. Since this i made some progress in life, got a unstable and poorly paid job but easy and chill. returned to university, probably will fail it again but i dont give a shit like i used to, will try again next year i guess...

Got drivers license (idk how i did this cause i was very anxious about ittt and i made a lot of mistakes during driving lessons) Bought some SN sealed and in dark place so it will last veryyy long and Meto stored for future cause im feeling fine... Still on meds, that wont change probably ever, i dont know how anyone can rawdog reality =// I didnt bought meds and was off for 3 days, it wasnt that bad but i felt weird a lot.

I lost interest in romance for some reason so i dont suffer from physical loneliness too much which used to be tormentuos.

I'm also the victim of my own views on life, im an atheist and naturalist i dont believe in any higher purpose, life is meaningles for me and always was. After death only void awaits me and that calms me and terryfies me at the same time. Life doesnt make sense, i try to find sense in what i do but the longer i think about everything the less sense everything makes, all is ultimately meaningles. Conscience existence is a joke, we shouldnt evolve to think about it

 

[starboy2k]

Where am I at in life?
24 year old sexy ass NEET, with no social life (voluntary), no drivers license (i hate driving and cars), no job, no college degree, no money, no passion, no ambition, no love life (like that even exists for the gays), no purpose, and certainly no desire to keep waking up to this prison of a life…and honey thats the scratching the surface

 

[Fritz]

60yo male, going to retire next year. Have struggled with depression most of my life. Felt like I was getting better, then one of our dogs died recently, partly due to my negligence. That really set me back, which is why I'm back here after a 4-month hiatus.

 

[ShackledSoul]

Technically I'm pretty successful. Late 30's, good paying job at a very big company with tons of benefits and upward mobility. Completely debt free. I've never married, and never had children (both of which I consider to be good things).

Problem is I just completely hate life I see nothing worth sticking around for anymore. I make friends but I usually end up regretting it because bonds make things more complicated. Everything is totally and utterly meaningless. Death is the only truth I see in life anymore. Everything else is lies. My entire life is really just an act at this point.

I'm in the process of isolating myself entirely from all my friends and family so that when I do CtB they're better acclimated to life without me. It's getting really hard to keep up and I can feel my mind starting to crack, but I consider it part of the process. Eventually the emotional pain I'm inflicting on myself will become too much to bear and I won't need to fight my SI. I am aware that I am destroying myself and hurting myself. It is deliberate. I am also hoping that everyone hates me for it as well. It will make it easier for them and I don't care about my reputation anymore.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

43, waiting to die. I gone as far as I can, I was never given good chances at anything. disabled and feel emotionally drained, defeated and burned out. Nothing can or will change, it will always remain pointless, meaningless and empty. so I am going until my heart stops as that's all I can do, given my mental and physical state.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Middle aged
Lived alone for years can't cope with life don't work or see friends anymore
Feels like the walls are closing in and that I either have to try and change my life or CTB

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I am the point of desperation where I am trying to will myself dead.

 

[J&L383]

This is where I feel like a fake and don't belong here. But I deeply and sincerely want to die and often feel close to making it happen. I'm what most people would call an older married guy with adult kids and a job. What some people here say they want. But it's all just an external shell. Inside me is the same person I always was. It's worse now that people depend on me to some extent. My wife hates me and burned the soul out of me. Most of my life is behind me, pure embarrassing boring misery. I long for death. Every day is a torture chamber.

I am farther along than that. I feel the part about the "external shell". Inside, it won't change. No one depends on me now, my wife left two decades ago. No kids, so that's good, it can be a relatively quiet retreat from this world. The word that starts with the "T" above escapes my lips many times a day. (I just looked at your name and my favorite walks are the cemeteries).

 

[death_by_life]

Mid-40s, self-employed and I absolutely love my job, but apparently I'm shit at it and I can't keep clients. At least none who want to do the work I need them to do. My best client just cut their work in half, and I won't be able to pay rent or bills next month. I don't have any close relationships - my best friend and someone whom I thought was my partner cheated on me with a "stranger" about nine months ago which totally destroyed me, and I'm pretty much done with relationships now. I have some friends, but you can't tell people how you feel if you want to keep friends, so they're not very close. The only things keeping me here are my animals, but more and more I think they'd be okay without me since I have arrangements made for them. It's just me that doesn't want to leave them.

I'm about 4 weeks into TMS treatments, which might be helping a little bit, but I'm still not feeling like I should be here. Quite frankly I'm too intimidated to figure out how to get SN on my own (considered asking someone else to do it for me, but who's going to do that?), which only leaves F (in my mind anyway), but I don't have any connections for that, either because I don't know anyone who does street drugs and don't know enough about any of that. Any other way just seems like another thing I'd do incorrectly and end up worse than I am. If I had the F, I think I'd be at the point of tying up some loose ends, saying goodbye to the folks that I safely can, and heading off into the woods to ctb. I really don't see myself having a future, but I'm stuck here because I don't know enough about how to successfully ctb and it's overwhelming to try to figure it out.

 

[Fish_astronaut]

Stil handling all of my major responsibilities fine (work, bills, pet care), letting smaller ones slip (hobbies, friends, house clutter) and truly just dissociating for the whole thing. Anhedonia has taken over me. It feels weird, but I think maybe it's better than plain old depression because I don't feel much anymore (I know some see these two as the same thing, but I'm just more numb than ever now I guess is what I'm saying)

 

[Apathy79]

Mid 40s. Been a hermit since my marriage broke down until my place burned down. Now living in a small town.

Unlike most here, not suicidal 99.9% of the time. But my nerve pain flare ups are getting worse. Since the accident they started as occasional jolts that would go away in a few minutes and gradually progressed across the course of my life. The previous one was 9 days. Jolting every few seconds. I didn't sleep a wink, and eventually had to be sedated in emergency to ride it out. It appears to be progressive. The worst part is not knowing when it will end. If I knew it would be 9 days, I could find a way to deal with it. But not knowing with an agony like that is really tough. My sense is it will eventually become a more or less permanent state, at which point ctb will be the only option.

 

[starlightstarbright]

24 and unemployed for a year now, living with parents I despise, no friends, no job prospects, lost all interest in my hobbies, just waiting for the gun and ammo I ordered to arrive at my local FFL. As soon as I can pick them up, I'm gone.

 

[tulero]

29, i have a job as front dev

not something that I love it but its like 8 hours per day thinking about somethind different than wanting to ctb so...

but when it comes weekend, thats another story

i made some money from it and an investment i did in 2023, but at this point i dont really care anymore

 

[needwaytohell]

Suffering at college poor communication led me to a credit trap . Panic completing so that I graduate on time and my parents are broke asf. Hopefully I'll be done with this and start working planning my ctb alongside discretely. Really stressed as usual people are laughing at me for being dumb struggling with no motivation. I hope something happens to me and I never wake up or I induce myself being it.