Where are you at in life?

[SchizoGymnast]

I guess I'll start with my name. I'm SchizoGymnast because I'm a gymnast and, depending on which doc you ask, I have either bipolar 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder. Plus, one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands is "Schizophrenic" by Night Club.

I'm a professional in health and human services and am learning Russian. I want to start a business and adopt children. I rescue cats and take care of two elderly parents. I want to pursue my bachelor's in math and travel the world. My current obsession is writing urban legends and making Halloween costumes as well as reading up on religion and political conspiracies. I'm training in gymnastics twice a week and want to start ballet later this year. If all goes well, I will start volunteering at a hospice house and organize a fundraiser for cystic fibrosis.

But here's the catch: I'm chronically ill and have a neurological condition that resembles traumatic brain injury. It's so rare that a large portion of the medical community deny that it exists. I nearly dropped out of high school because of it and to this day, I am struggling to catch up while my peers succeed. Getting any kind of assistance or treatment that doesn't supposedly exist is next to impossible. Everything in my life is an act of congress, I get a fraction of the results that my peers get for the same amount of effort, and I still get regularly criticized because my best just isn't good enough.

I live in the US, which economically and politically, is designed to hunt and kill low income people for sport and I'm wounded, but not enough to die.

I feel like I can't enjoy anything nice without it being taken from me. Last year, I was doing great. Then my property manager launched a draconian no-pets policy that caused me to be kicked out of my housing. I make great progress with a provider...they quit. I have an amazing job. Funding gets cut. I just don't know how much longer I can live like this.

 

[quietwoods]

late 20s. reasonably successful, career-wise, but hopeless when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships -- both platonic and romantic. chalk it up to autism and trauma, i guess. major depressive episodes started in my early 20s. antidepressants and psychology helped until they didn't. hobbies provide some measure relief (provided i am not burnt out).

i'm just keeping up appearances, at this stage. 'the light's on, but no one's home.' :)

I was going to post something but this is almost exactly me (just turned 30) .

Bravo +1

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

Thanks for the answers. It's really interesting to see the different situations people are in.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

After a big failure in life, I'm basically where I was after I graduated school. The only difference is that I'm not 19/20 but almost 50. And that's a death sentence. If I want to get out of the hole I'm trapped in I'll have to start from scratch but everything is so unattainable.

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm 61 and literally towards the end of my life. My diagnoses look like the table of contents in the front of dsm-5. But I'm still not quite ready to ctb

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Working full time and attending grad school full time. Burning out. Feeling empty.

 

[princejohnny]

My life is crap. I work a job that I hate with no way out. I dropped out of college due to suicidal ideation and anxiety. I'm constantly alone and desperately lonely. I can't even afford a cat. Social anxiety has ruined my life and I just want out at this point. Life is cruel.

 

[finallydone]

at the point of needing to kill someone before i die myself

 

[Nadienobody]

I'm over 30 and never had a real job, I didn't leave my house for many years and even online I didn't talk to people. Now I'm trying to recover but it feels useless. I don't have the experiences that I'm supposed to have at this age.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

OP I'm sorry that you're in a situation where you're being analyzed to determine your ability to work, considering your situation. It's very sad to me that modern western society acknowledges the facticity of mental health, yet forces people through a sieve to get help.

To answer your question about where I'm at in life. I'm 46 and am working a job I don't like to get by. I have attempted to ctb multiple times throughout my life, but obviously haven't been successful. I currently want to ctb, but feel that I can't as I don't want to burden my longtime partner. He's dealt with so much loss in his life and I don't want to do that to him. In all honesty, if he wasn't in my life I would make practical ctb plans (I have several in the works).

I first attempted to CTB at 16. I honestly wish that first attempt was successful, but now I'm in life situations that make that step difficult. Even though I value my partner, I also resent them as they make this step difficult/impossible.

This is in no way meant to be an encouragement towards action. I'm just sharing my experience and current feelings.

 

[seppuku404]

I'm away from home, away from friends, mid 20s with no actual perspectives of a good life ahead, never had any drive on interest in anything really, the girl who made me want to live and isn't far away doesn't care about me anymore.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm 21, not sure where I am, if IT education goes well.. around 2026-2027 or so I might be working :)


Note:
Tho as early as around October 2024 when I got 'stuck' and fell behind tasks (and might be stuck in a bad room for another trimester, one that is either hot or a bit cold coz a stupid thermostat isn't setup right... as well as have ppl irl disappointed)... I made a text document listing potential ways to not exist (didn't save the Document, also that death wish faded)

At least the classes in 2025 were in rooms that had decent temperature, and seemed to go better too.

 

[Bowerbird]

NEET in my early 20s. Dropped out of school, lost cause. at least i finally found my soulmate...

...but idk if i would have a chance with them if im not a girl anymore. part of why i was scared to transition (im afab) for a while was because i didnt want to give up my chance to be with them, but i also cant live as a miserable girl forever... like either way im gonna suffer

 

[wham311]

Neet. Too ashamed to go outside. Running out of money. Ruined a lot of loved ones lives. I don't go 7 seconds without being horrifically triggered by something.

I think I am developing saliadenitis and don't produce saliva. My teeth need cleaning bad and I am tired of going in public and people not making eye contact with me.

I lost everything. 7 months ago. I have almost no clothes left and my muscles have atrophied and my hair and body are weird. I go to social media all day to distract. I love my dog but I am absolutely over taking care of her. I am a terrible person and I just want out and it won't happen for five decades.

Sleep is the only break and I'm running out of sleeping pills. I wake up every few hours due to incapacitating nightmares. yhen I lay in bed until I have to pee. Sometimes I make it to noon repeating all these absolutely traumatic thoughts in my head and adding whatever traumatic thoughts I've remembered from the day prior.

I know this will be my life until the day I die and that is a long time from now.

I am thoroughly socially isolated. I am poison to people. I never should have been around them. I never should have been born.

 

[Szarur-abi]

23 here
Last year same time, failed final year of studies, tried to CTB via SN. Since this i made some progress in life, got a unstable and poorly paid job but easy and chill. returned to university, probably will fail it again but i dont give a shit like i used to, will try again next year i guess...

Got drivers license (idk how i did this cause i was very anxious about ittt and i made a lot of mistakes during driving lessons) Bought some SN sealed and in dark place so it will last veryyy long and Meto stored for future cause im feeling fine... Still on meds, that wont change probably ever, i dont know how anyone can rawdog reality =// I didnt bought meds and was off for 3 days, it wasnt that bad but i felt weird a lot.

I lost interest in romance for some reason so i dont suffer from physical loneliness too much which used to be tormentuos.

I'm also the victim of my own views on life, im an atheist and naturalist i dont believe in any higher purpose, life is meaningles for me and always was. After death only void awaits me and that calms me and terryfies me at the same time. Life doesnt make sense, i try to find sense in what i do but the longer i think about everything the less sense everything makes, all is ultimately meaningles. Conscience existence is a joke, we shouldnt evolve to think about it

 

[starboy2k]

Where am I at in life?
24 year old sexy ass NEET, with no social life (voluntary), no drivers license (i hate driving and cars), no job, no college degree, no money, no passion, no ambition, no love life (like that even exists for the gays), no purpose, and certainly no desire to keep waking up to this prison of a life…and honey thats the scratching the surface

 

[Fritz]

60yo male, going to retire next year. Have struggled with depression most of my life. Felt like I was getting better, then one of our dogs died recently, partly due to my negligence. That really set me back, which is why I'm back here after a 4-month hiatus.

 

[ShackledSoul]

Technically I'm pretty successful. Late 30's, good paying job at a very big company with tons of benefits and upward mobility. Completely debt free. I've never married, and never had children (both of which I consider to be good things).

Problem is I just completely hate life I see nothing worth sticking around for anymore. I make friends but I usually end up regretting it because bonds make things more complicated. Everything is totally and utterly meaningless. Death is the only truth I see in life anymore. Everything else is lies. My entire life is really just an act at this point.

I'm in the process of isolating myself entirely from all my friends and family so that when I do CtB they're better acclimated to life without me. It's getting really hard to keep up and I can feel my mind starting to crack, but I consider it part of the process. Eventually the emotional pain I'm inflicting on myself will become too much to bear and I won't need to fight my SI. I am aware that I am destroying myself and hurting myself. It is deliberate. I am also hoping that everyone hates me for it as well. It will make it easier for them and I don't care about my reputation anymore.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

43, waiting to die. I gone as far as I can, I was never given good chances at anything. disabled and feel emotionally drained, defeated and burned out. Nothing can or will change, it will always remain pointless, meaningless and empty. so I am going until my heart stops as that's all I can do, given my mental and physical state.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Middle aged
Lived alone for years can't cope with life don't work or see friends anymore
Feels like the walls are closing in and that I either have to try and change my life or CTB