Where are you at in life?

[onmywaytothebusstop]

Hello all,

I've been strugling a lot with mental health which only got reinforced over the past few years. At this moment i'm sitting at home on sickness benefits since december. A few months ago i had a failed suicide attemt and i went to a closed crisis psych ward for around 3 weeks. Afterwards i was redirected to a general "open" psych ward for about a month and a half to two months which i decided to end as i had the feeling it wasn't helping me and i didn't have the financial stability to pay 1000$ a month to get treatment. I've been home since a month and notice that my mental health is degrading fast. I'm on a waiting list for a psych ward that focuses on personality disorders and borderline. In 2 weeks i have a check up with a docter who will evaluate my health to see if i can go back to work. If i have to, that will be the moment that i will ctb.

That's pretty much where i'm at in life currently. What about you? Are you currently working or not, are you still looking for help, what's your situation?

im really curious to know where everyone is currently at in life.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I'm usually really good at talking my way out of psych wards ... been in and out of them a few times. I'm currently bed rotting and trying to find the means to keep living

 

[NonEssential]

Even though I'm 25, I've never had a job, no romantic partner, no driver's license and lacking a lot of other stuff you'd expect from an adult. I'm currently at a vocational school in hopes of one day capable of getting a job and being worthy of love. Well actually I have plans to just ctb after school (or maybe earlier?) instead

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

I'm usually really good at talking my way out of psych wards ... been in and out of them a few times. I'm currently bed rotting and trying to find the means to keep living

It was somewhat voluntary for me as i still have some hope somewhere to get better. It's like a last effort and it's a confirmation confirmation if it doesn't get better. At least i'd have tried and can find peace with that.

I was doing better whilst in the ward but completely crashed when i got out.

Even though I'm 25, I've never had a job, no romantic partner, no driver's license and lacking a lot of other stuff you'd expect from an adult. I'm currently at a vocational school in hopes of one day capable of getting a job and being worthy of love. Well actually I have plans to just ctb after school (or maybe earlier?) instead

At least you're also trying.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

This is where I feel like a fake and don't belong here. But I deeply and sincerely want to die and often feel close to making it happen. I'm what most people would call an older married guy with adult kids and a job. What some people here say they want. But it's all just an external shell. Inside me is the same person I always was. It's worse now that people depend on me to some extent. My wife hates me and burned the soul out of me. Most of my life is behind me, pure embarrassing boring misery. I long for death. Every day is a torture chamber.

 

[The Unanswered Q]

Life actually is getting somewhat better, although extremely slowly. Still really pessimistic though, if things haven't significantly improved by 2030, will just take the rope.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

at the edge

 

[alwaysalone]

I have family and a job. I often feel ungrateful and guilty because my life isn't that bad from the outside.

 

[Scythe]

At the point where I know I have to die soon, even if I don't want to, if I want to avoid working at all costs. Family won't keep up with my bullshit forever and let me freeload.

 

[limpimitation]

I have a job that's decent and a partner who says they love me. A couple pets and no kids. I'm deeply depressed and have been as long as I can remember. I'm not currently in therapy or on meds but I smoke a metric ton of weed. I'm just done trying atm

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Giving up on constantly trying ig, for now at least. Trying to find myself again ig? Life feels weird atm, like I am in some in-between stage with no direction rn.
At least I am getting real good at being in the moment which is nice.

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

This is where I feel like a fake and don't belong here. But I deeply and sincerely want to die and often feel close to making it happen. I'm what most people would call an older married guy with adult kids and a job. What some people here say they want. But it's all just an external shell. Inside me is the same person I always was. It's worse now that people depend on me to some extent. My wife hates me and burned the soul out of me. Most of my life is behind me, pure embarrassing boring misery. I long for death. Every day is a torture chamber.

I don't think you're a fake. I can imagine people suffering from much less.

I have a job that's decent and a partner who says they love me. A couple pets and no kids. I'm deeply depressed and have been as long as I can remember. I'm not currently in therapy or on meds but I smoke a metric ton of weed. I'm just done trying atm

Weed is the magic cure to not make you think about your depression.

The problem is that when you talk to a therapist about it, they'll think you have an addiction whilst all you're trying to do is escape life.

 

[ehhhhh1333]

running away from all my problems while i can feel them catching up 1by 1

 

[Hollowman]

Nowhere near where I could've been. But I don't torment myself about it anymore.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Not looking for "help", there is no help for what I demand, I'm getting ready to die, don't know what I'll write in my bad review for this shitty planet and stupid life (suicide note) but I am still thinking about it.

 

[mishima12]

I'm 25 years old and was released from hospital two months ago. I'm a medical student, I repeated my 4th year and I don't have the courage to study anymore. I'll probably be expelled from university. Still no driver's license, no job, never had a girlfriend
I represent everything that is most mediocre in humanity... I'm sorry to exist

 

[Hollowman]

Borderline Personality Disorder “No Longer Has a Place in Clinical Practice”

Researchers from the UK and New Zealand argue that Borderline Personality Disorder should be abandoned as a diagnostic category.

www.madinamerica.com

 

[turnoverover]

I'm frustrated with how mediocre and more unbearable i'm becoming by the day. slowly burning through the bridges in my life. about to get my bachelors degree

 

[FoxSauce]

Well doing therapy, home isnt that great. I try to fight butbeveryday it seems foe my that im losing.

Theres so many things I yesrn for yet I dont feel like doing them. I just live on autopilot, best way to keep myself sane, dostraccion helps get through crisis and living a full day.

I do seem ok and somewhat stable but I won't lie there's sometimes i wanna say fuck it to everything, dont wanna be that person that "gave up to easily."

Feels like im complaning moslty beacuse i jave a family that maybe cares about me? My freinds moslty keep me going and my sisters.

Foe now i dont have a plan moslty suicidal ideation so maybe not that serious for me.

If things won't get better, I'd rather be six feet under.

 

[Jiroscope]

Graduated from a 2 year IT program, in my area tech prospects are grim + the trade war war with the US (I'm in Canada) make it hard to find a job, so I'm back in school in the medical field.

The only reason I'm still here is because I can't get ahold of SN and I am too anxious to lie to a doctor to get AE for it. I would have ctbd years ago. I'm just angry at everything. Like no one gives a shit about me, but if I want to CTB all of a sudden everyone pretends to care and they stop me from CGBing. And then if I get "better" I bet everyone will go back to not giving a shit about me. It's cruel.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm freelance and work tends to be very all or nothing. It's likely about to get very busy for me again soon. I'm lucky enough to not suffer debilitatingly from either mental or physical illness regularly. Or at least, I don't see it as excessively abnormal.

For me, it's more exhaustion with the grind of (having to pay for) life itself that makes me want out. I don't see that as fixable- it's just how it is so- it seems pointless me trying to get 'help'.

I want to wait until my Dad goes before I CTB though so really, I'm just trying to tread water as best I can until then. I'm lethargic, unmotivated, unfit, fed up, resentful on a daily basis so- pushing myself to do productive things is like pulling teeth! It's obviously necessary though so, that also means a whole lot of resentment a lot of the time.

I suppose effectively, I'd like to be able to live the NEET life till I can go but, I know I won't let myself. So, it's pained reluctance from here until I can force quit my way out of this.

I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. I suppose I'm lucky- but I also worked extremely hard to ensure that my freelance job is at least more tolerable to other wage slave jobs I've done. I also have the luxury of mainly working from home and alone- which I much prefer. I would absolutely feel the same as you though. If I were in a position where I felt forced to return to wage slavery jobs around others, my ideation would rocket. My other issue is- my job is creative freelance and, it's hugely precarious so- that's always a real threat. It's that I'm so tired of too. Worrying when I have work and when I don't. Seeing as I feel less fulfilment from my work too now, none of it feels worth the effort.

 

[VoidButterfly]

I have a good job, a great volunteer position, my own place, a few close friends, a situationship, and a close-ish family (though not one of my own). Pretty much by any metric I did all the things you're supposed to do. There's no future for me though, nothing I'm working to achieve that I particularly care about, and the world has gone to complete shit and I just don't care to stick around in it.

I'm giving it about a month to hopefully source some SN otherwise I'm going out by an extremely shit method that I already have prepared. I'm working with the mental health team, I don't think they can help this time but I feel like I owe it to them to let them try after how they've helped in the past. I'm very up front about my planned departure because I know from experience that in this country they will not hospitalise me. I've been to hospitals to deal with the effects of attempts and been let go, I've told them I'm going to kill myself and been threatened with a hospital stay but I just make it very clear that's not an option and they drop it. One time they really said it might come to the point I don't have a choice and we got into an argument where I made it clear they don't have a hospital that could hold me and then I got threatened with a secure unit, I asked if they really thought that'd help me and they backed down. So yeah, team knows I'm out in a month so I'm seeing them every couple of days and they're calling me every night to make sure I remember my meds. Maybe they'll help, maybe I missed something, at least I'll know I tried.

 

[Pluto]

 

[itsoverforme303]

Fat, unemployed, surviving on junk food, booze and cigarettes, about to get deported, everyone thinks I am a complete failure, friends definitely laugh about me behind my back. Idk why I decided to talk to them and my parents and chose to live. I should have jumped. I just couldn't find a tall enough place. I wish I had like a 20 story building or something I could go up to. And I did some research on how jumping would feel like. If I didn't instantly die, it would be painful. I got scared. Now I have to be ridiculed for the rest of my life.

 

[catfriend]

late 20s. reasonably successful, career-wise, but hopeless when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships -- both platonic and romantic. chalk it up to autism and trauma, i guess. major depressive episodes started in my early 20s. antidepressants and psychology helped until they didn't. hobbies provide some measure relief (provided i am not burnt out).

i'm just keeping up appearances, at this stage. 'the light's on, but no one's home.' :)

 

[Saturn_]

The bitter end

 

[GMOpNsOTW9J]

Im somewhere between life and death. I think I crossed almost all mental barriers. But its hard to know once it gets real. One thing is for sure: there is a lot of suffering ahead.

 

[FuneralCry]

No matter what to me existing really will always just be waiting to die as after all, all will be gone and forgotten in non-existence anyway and that is where I am, I'm just waiting for death in this torturous, futile existence I always saw as such a terrible tragic mistake and there's just so much suffering and so much cruelty in existing, it's all so terrible to me and I always suffer from being burdened with this existence I never would had chosen, to me existence really is an abomination that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured. I always suffer so much from how peaceful death is so cruelly denied for me with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's horrific to me how wanting death is a crime as non-existence is all that's positive to me. It's the only peace for me and I'll just only be at peace once I'm no longer burdened with this existence of suffering all for the sake of it, I just wish I never suffered more than anything, I'll always see it as the most dreadful, terrible tragedy how this existence was even imposed.

 

[lawlietsph]

my situation:
i am 29, I only have a part time job which is making me burnt out, i've been deeply depressed and suicidal since i was 13. i have lyme disease, psoriasis, bunch of hormonal problems, I hate every single second of my life and i don't do anything useful at all.
at this point i'm living second by second, I don't plan anything, never ever think about future, as i will most likely not have one. accepted defeat a long time ago, now i'm just waiting to be brave enough to order sn and call it a day

 

[jb.fletcher]

30s, have a couple jobs (vet clinic, morgue), going to school for a biology degree to apply to med school- I'd like to be a medical Examiner. Have a house, live in a great area, have a good sized yard with a fire pit I made, and gardens of course (my Zen place). Some health issues, but found a med that works for my mental health finally. Have friends and family that I love and they love me. Have cats and a dog that keep me grounded. Things aren't perfect, but I'm an optimist . I think when you're around death your perception of it shifts a bit. It took a lot to get where I am so I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon.