When you're aware that there are no solutions/answers for you

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It is truly horrible knowing that you have to ctb, but keep lacking the courage to make that final leap due to fear of the unknown. I know without a doubt that my life cannot improve, lest we are living in a fantasy universe where the laws of nature and basic biology do not apply, and I can mythically rengernate stem cells, bend DNA to my will, and give my brain the plasticity and malleability of a sponge.

Unfortunately, we aren't living in a science fiction novel. Reality is never as exciting and rife with possibility. I have accepted my life is over, there are no answers, there are no gods nor men waiting to save me, there's no miracle cures, no doors waiting to be opened, no elusive help anticipating my presence so that they can wave a magic wand and turn my life around. This is it, and this is all there is.

People who have not been through what I have- because no human can ever truly experience life and all its various twists and turns in the exact same fashion as someone else, even if points across the time line exist that one can subjectively acknowledge as relatable to their own story- do not get it. Thus, the useless advice starts pouring in, from well intentioned onlookers who don't have the slightest clue as to what you're going through.

I believe that is why many suicidal people become isolated until the bitter end, if you can't hide your pain, people will be privy to this and make efforts to improve your mood, until it becomes too cumbersome from them.

Personally, I don't want to avoid people, but I have to, because if I told them what I really think and feel, they'd be put off by me. My very existence is the antithesis to life being fair, to hard work paying off, to authorities and establishments providing duty of care, and all the lies we have been sold about life being what you make of it. You can't make something if you never had any materials to begin with.

I feel like I've tried everything within my means. Begged for pain management again, only to be given the 20th antidepressant prescription. There are no more drugs I can try for my cognitive impairments, I've taken all those sugar pills too, and held out for weeks and months while I took the brunt of u pleasurable side effects and no results. I will probably have to take laxatives frequently for the rest of my life because my body is failing me and I cant digest food properly.

I was born with certain impairments that others simply cannot comprehend the permenance of. Growing up surrounded by abberant circumstances of child abuse, while struggling with a developmental disability has warped my mind and body, and these changes are not fixed with positive self affirmations, mindfulness workbooks, and cognitive reframing.

Most of the autism community believes the condition is a gift and a unique lease on life, and that you are a loser if you do not accept your talents. Here is my autism savant skill: aphantasia. I do not have a mind's eye. I can't conjure up imagery in my head, nor can I plan out thoughts and conversations. The ink you see me spilling across the virtual page right now is unconsciously summoned off the fly, I cannot consciously plan out what I am going to say.

This means that I am astonishingly lacking in creativity, especially when it comes to things like manipulating geometric shapes and 3D spaces. Do you know how disheartening it is for a child to practice drawing everyday and never improve because your mind is configured a certain way that goes against how a neurotypical brain performs? All I could ever do is trace over images. I struggle to play games where there is any sort of creativity, craftsmanship, or building skill required.

I was so dyspraxic that I could not tie my shoes until I was 16 years old. I still cannot catch a ball. Despite being forced into sports, I was the only child who never improved and was bullied so heavily due to my lack of coordination and awkwardness to the point where I felt dread every time I had to be around those horrible girls on my team. With time, some of this has improved but my gait is completely unlike any other person I've seen and my body language makes it apparent to everyone that I am a weird autistic girl.

Even being chastised and scorned in therapy did not beat my "retardation" as my family called it out of me. I will always be autistic, and I will never fit into society due to how the pairwise combination of autism and trauma has shaped my body and mind.

People are blind to this and act like you can just get over your past, when the you in the present moment has been shaped and molded by a lifetime of declarative and non-declarative memories that have pruned and refined the synaptic connections forming the neural networks within your CNS. Neurons that fire together wire together, after all.

I suffered a lot of abuse as a child which has been consistently downplayed or shrugged off by others as no big deal. When it is acknowledged, it is made the butt of jokes, for example, friends of mine have giggled that "they've never seen someone as traumatized as me, damn your life sucks!"

Being locked up during a crucial turning point in my development, the delicate period where you are maturing past childhood and leaping into the turbulent teenage years severely impaired my capability for socialising and emulating behavior, which is critical for learning how to function as an autistic child who'd only learned to speak by mimicking TV programs.

When I explain that the ages of 14-16 basically didn't exist for me because I was exclusively locked indoors with an abusive family who screamed, quaralled, attempted suicide in front of me, degraded me, threw chairs at me, busted glass everywhere, left me to fend for myself, and told me I was going to burn in hell, it almost sounds like I'm laying out the plot of a failed B movie. Others don't want to believe it.

Nor do they want to believe all of the sexual abuse that's been scattered across my lifespan, perpetrated by "nice guys" respectable characters and authority figures. I constantly doubt my own intuition despite the aftereffects being viscerally real and detrimental to my continued existence. Though my memories are hazy, I know that it was not normal for a 5 year old to act out sexually and masturbate, nor was it normal to have to be dragged out kicking, screaming and crying to be around doctors because there was a disturbing sense of violation and shame triggered in those environments that I was not old enough to articulate.

That crushing feeling of dirtiness only sunk deeper into my being when my classmate started molesting me. No one will ever understand how tainted I am, and how my reactions of fear and arousal are completely involuntary and can't be fixed by CBT bullshit which was in no way designed to address the changes in brain morphology - especially in the hippocampus and amygalda- orchestrated in complex ptsd.

I already know that is a lost cause. My partner had told me many times that with enough positive exposure, it will improve, but I know from lived experience that exposure only heightens my fear and does nothing to alleviate it. No one listens to me. They truly think I can change the fundamental architecture of my brain with the same trite techniques I've attempted numerous times with little to show from it.

Then I get told that I am allowing my trauma to. Impede me from getting help for my physical illnesses. No medical authority understands CFS and there are no treatments for it, there's only so many times I can get myself turned into a pincushion repeating the same blood tests to satiate the distrust of people who don't believe in invisible illnesses anyways. When I asked again for pain relief, I was denied anything but antidepressants again, when I've been insistent that they don't help anything and cause horrific side effects that worsen my neurological issues and my CFS by turning me into a hyperlethargic zombie.

I'm over it. There are no cures. I have no family, no friends, and ever since I got a viral infection recently my CFS has hit a fever pitch and it's nearly impossible for me to focus or concentrate because my brainfog amped up and my vision is damaged to a higher degree where I can no longer focus on any object for more than 2-3 seconds at a time. I'm tired of being sold snake oils, homeopathy, platitudes, and spiritualistic nonsense that won't ease an ounce of this misery.

When I busted my ass to get a scientific paper published recently, that I worked very hard on, there was no one to congratulate me. There will be no mourners when my body turns to ashes, no one to grieve. I have never been well liked, successful, or the portrait of an attractive woman. I have the face of a 12 year old ghoul and my body is atrophying from the amount of time I am forced to spend in bed from being ill.

Knowing there are no answers, no life preservers being cast into the sea I'm drowning in, why am I forced to live? I can't comprehend why I am destined to die alone in my room, with a less than ideal method, when it is crystal clear that my situation is only going to deteriorate with time. Being barred from euthanasia due to my age is like having spit in my face. Not every 22 year old is capable of reaching a functional baseline.

I am too exhausted to do anything I would enjoy. Companionship and participating in activities where I am included is the only thing that makes me happy and I physically am incapable of it now because the malaise makes it not only difficult for me to be active, but to speak, think, play, and engage with the things that make life worthwhile. Of course the gaslighters will claim I have a mental illness that I'm not trying to work on, to discredit the fact that there's an immunological pathology attacking my body.

 

[noaccount]

I do believe you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been through all this suffering. Life is just so cruel and unfair and I can imagine it must be unbearable to be in so much pain. I do wish we lived in a society where our right to die is respected and people could exit peacefully when the time is right for them. It is horrible how the society expects people to suffer for decades in a life that is just pain and misery. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Life sucks]

I'm very sorry Kuri, this life is very cruel and full of suffering. Unfortunately most people don't understand that in some situations, there is nothing to do and every path is a dead end. This life is very restricting and trapping, why would anyone experience all of this suffering? You don't deserve this pain and suffering. You deserve love and peace and all beautiful things. This world is very cruel and unfair to you, you did a lot of amazing things but they don't even recognize what you did.

Life is dead and strict path that we can't change, and even the illusion of control is gone when there is so much and suffering. Why should we experience life when all of what we do is almost nothing but daily struggles and unbearable amount of pain and suffering that nobody else can comprehend.

Unfortunately life is not fiction, where we could choose or do things that we want or experience different things, its one line and doesn't allow any change to the past. When things are hard or impossible to change, it's when we should quit the game and don't experience worse endings where we just watch a nightmare with zero input.

The human experience is a lonely one, I'm sorry you suffered from unique situations that nobody else can understand. Kuri, even though it's true but you are not alone in this. Even if we don't understand each other fully because everyone us unique, we know that everyone suffers from this lonely experience of life. Even if I don't understand your pain fully, I understand how lonely you are to experience all of this for a lifetime, how its hard to not find even one person who supports you. It's like we all came from different paths but the loneliness and the darkness of the consciousness, pain and suffering is the same concept. I'm sorry Kuri you suffered from this.

It's unfortunate how many people don't understand the suicidal people. There is a need and a right for everyone, when things go wrong or uncontrollable, when it's impossible to do anything, when you're trapped, and more. The right to end it all because it's a dead end. Why should anyone stay alive when their life is full of pain and they are forced to stay alive only for others who don't even care about this person's pain?

I'm sorry Kuri that your experience with humans was full pain even when you didn't want to avoid them. The concepts, entities, labels, behavior, etc are full of wrongs. It's sad that you all of what you experience because of them is all forms of pain. Kuri, it's not your fault, you are amazing and hardworking, you did your best, you are honest, and faced a lot of cruelty and unfairness and none supported you. It's the fault of life.

It's painful that the current situation of medicine and science aren't helpful to your conditions. It's cruel how on top of your conditions, people abused you throughout your entire life specially as a child which makes a painful and complicated situation that nobody understands.

Communities are really terrible and I'm sorry for what they did to you. Autism, CFS, and all other conditions you have, the communities were awful and cruel to you. They responded to your honesty and rationality with the cruelty of the discrimination and exclusion, and the cruelty of herd mentalities. Your conditions and autism are painful and caused a lot of suffering to you, it's not hard to understand that. Even if they assume it's a gift (which is not true), it's not a gift for everyone. What gift makes things harder like your situation, I'm very sorry that they made you suffer more and never tried to understand you.

The people around you didn't support you at all and it's very painful experience. Nobody wants to help and if someone is suffering or needs special care, nobody is there for them. It's sad how you can't imagine or do anything, and how nobody helped you which made you feel worse and worsened your conditions.

This body has no limits to the pain and suffering it could make. It's beyond cruel how you suffered physically as well and how everyone including the family was laughing or abusing. This world is disgusting, how could they laugh about a traumatized person with a lot of illnesses, those people are really wicked and terrible. I'm really sorry you suffered because of them.

I'm sorry Kuri, you suffered as a child and they laughed about it then the monsters molested and did cruel things. Being locked creates an indescribable feeling of suffocation. It's really hard to experience all of this, and it's harder to deal with people who expect you to function normally after all of that.

Experiencing family violence is very traumatizing and people ignore all of what happened to you. I'm sorry you experienced turning on sexually as a child which is a problem that most people don't understand or try to ignore. I'm really sorry the monsters abused and molested you and caused you deep pain and suffering and feel of dirtness. You don't deserve this cruel life.

Many People don't understand that not everything has a solution or way to improve. And you have a lot of illnesses, pains and conditions, even if we assume there are solutions, it will take a long time to solve them all, specially with how bureaucracy wastes a lot of time, cost and energy. There is no magical solution, it's all pain and more pain while those people around you think it's possible to improve. I hope you don't get more pain and conditions, this life is so cruel, you don't deserve this pain and suffering.

Kurisu, I'm sorry that even when you published a paper nobody congratulated you. It's an amazing accomplishment but everyone ignored you. This world is really a joke. They pretend to support everyone and when something amazing like this happens, everyone ignores it as if it never happened. Kuri, even if they did nothing, it's their fault, you are already Christiana, Makise Kurisu. And it's their fault they don't recognize your amazing accomplishments and efforts. And no matter what they say, you are beautiful both from the inside and the outside.

This world is forcing suffering by not allowing euthanasia and everyone deserves a peaceful exit. The amount of pain and suffering you are experiencing shows how terrible is this life, I wish your pain disappear, I wish you never experienced this type of pain and suffering.

I'll support you whatever your choice is, you are amazing and lovely and you deserve special care. I wish you peace in whatever you choose.




Infinite love and hugs to you, Sweetie, Kuri

 

[Flippy]

I've always been impressed with your ability to write Kuri. You always manage to somehow distil and articulate things in a way that I really wish I could. I always feel like I'm getting tangled in knots.

I wish I had words that would adequately express how sorry I am that you've been through so much horrible and inexcusable experiences. Some I can relate a lot to, others my experience just doesn't compare.

The thoughts and insights I've read in your posts have always been wise beyond your years. You have always struck me as a highly intelligent person. Actually more than that, someone who has a rare intelligence. You are interesting and exactly the sort of person I wish I could encounter more of, out in the real world.

I believe you when you say you are in pain. I'm sorry that you have not been offered the help that you very much deserve. It sounds like you experience a lot more pain than I do, and what I experience is bad enough, particularly when you get dismissed or have physiological problems blamed on intangible things like "mental illnesses". I wish I could raise hell for the way they've treated you!

I know I'm just some random on the internet. But I care about you Kuri.

 

[Oblivion Access]

When you're aware - there are no solutions. Once you know you cannot unknow it. It is one thing to suffer, and another altogether to understand the reasons, how arbitrary and out of our control they were and how unlikely things are to change. It struck me that you're only 22, given how much you've suffered and how mature and erudite you come across in your posts.

May we all find solace one day, even if it is in oblivion alone.

 

[katagiri83]

Kuri, the angst and sufferings you've been through seem so heartbreaking. Yet your ability to express & convey with your words, with such spontaneous manifestation is bittersweet and beautiful at the same time. You have a lot of creativity, and a lot of power in your writing.

I can resonate with your pain in dealing with the medical industry and their apathy toward patients.

I'd like you to know that you are being heard and acknowledged. Life is nothing more than ambiguity but I do wish you to find some solace or relief, even just fleetingly.