Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 258
A strange feeling wells in my chest when this happens. Only due to how my boyfriend is.
He's been through many horrible things: CSA, physical abuse (almost to the point of death), incest, emotional/mental abuse, child labor and witnessing murder/suicides at a young age. Despite this, he usually does not feel suicidal— which astounds me— and is actually capable of enjoying his day to day life even though he still experiences emotional abuse. He's found comfort in his friends, they are his new family now. He still talks about his hobbies, passions and dreams.
I know how he presents himself to me is authentic. If he feels depressed/anxious/angry, he is quick to tell me. He feels safe around me and almost always expresses his thoughts. We are able to have that connection, I am able to do the exact thing which establishes authenticity in our communication.
So when he expresses he feels suicidal.. well I don't know how to react. As much as I am pro-choice, I know he usually does not feel this way and this may be a product of impulsivity. My values conflict in that moment, especially when I am selfish in either: I do not want to hear about this and think about my loved one dying or I want to create a suicide pact. But I know these feelings will not last for him. And I am able to talk him through the emotion which inevitably turns out he just needed to vent and had no real intention of ctb. No plan. No certainty. Just the feeling.
It's just hard for me— a moral nihilist who will not try to get someone to be rational— to know what to do in that situation. So.. I do what I know best and just ask him questions. That usually leads to him talking about wanting to do stuff that he enjoys.
Even though I rarely care for morals, I still maintain some values in which facilitates the way I act. Usually in my self interest even if it comes off as morally good. I do care and love my boyfriend so I do want him to do/have whatever he wants, even if that is way different than what I want to do/have.
— —
Side note: how the hell are people joining and getting 100+ messages within only a couple days/a week? I feel like I am pretty active. Maybe it's bc I stay strictly on the suicide forum and don't participate in the off topic/recovery ones.
He's been through many horrible things: CSA, physical abuse (almost to the point of death), incest, emotional/mental abuse, child labor and witnessing murder/suicides at a young age. Despite this, he usually does not feel suicidal— which astounds me— and is actually capable of enjoying his day to day life even though he still experiences emotional abuse. He's found comfort in his friends, they are his new family now. He still talks about his hobbies, passions and dreams.
I know how he presents himself to me is authentic. If he feels depressed/anxious/angry, he is quick to tell me. He feels safe around me and almost always expresses his thoughts. We are able to have that connection, I am able to do the exact thing which establishes authenticity in our communication.
So when he expresses he feels suicidal.. well I don't know how to react. As much as I am pro-choice, I know he usually does not feel this way and this may be a product of impulsivity. My values conflict in that moment, especially when I am selfish in either: I do not want to hear about this and think about my loved one dying or I want to create a suicide pact. But I know these feelings will not last for him. And I am able to talk him through the emotion which inevitably turns out he just needed to vent and had no real intention of ctb. No plan. No certainty. Just the feeling.
It's just hard for me— a moral nihilist who will not try to get someone to be rational— to know what to do in that situation. So.. I do what I know best and just ask him questions. That usually leads to him talking about wanting to do stuff that he enjoys.
Even though I rarely care for morals, I still maintain some values in which facilitates the way I act. Usually in my self interest even if it comes off as morally good. I do care and love my boyfriend so I do want him to do/have whatever he wants, even if that is way different than what I want to do/have.
— —
Side note: how the hell are people joining and getting 100+ messages within only a couple days/a week? I feel like I am pretty active. Maybe it's bc I stay strictly on the suicide forum and don't participate in the off topic/recovery ones.
