When you just KNOW what do you do?

[greyautumnsky]

This feeling always comes to me in waves. I've been getting ready though. For when That Day comes, I want to finally just be prepared and have it all on hand to make CTB as simple and painless as possible.

So what do you guys do to survive these intense feelings, and not do something to majorly fuck up and end up disfigured or damaged with a messed up suicide? Like I have, in the past.

Sometimes I lurk here. Sometimes I actually interact. Today I'm saying something. I had a bad panic attack when I spoke to the mailman earlier, I usually avoid him but misjudged the time and his schedule was different today because his holiday delivery hours are over I guess.

I've been having bad migraines from stress. I quit smoking recently, yay go me, but also I was depending on it to artificially keep my blood pressure up because I have chronically low blood pressure. On top of other health issues, which is why I quit. It's like one thing after the other. It's so hard to be positive lately. Hence, why I'm feeling this way.

After this I'm going to try to finish a sewing project. Maybe try to take a nap? I haven't been sleeping well. No friends to call, no family to speak to. I am well and truly isolated. Etc etc etc.

So. I know. I KNOW someday I will CTB, but that now isn't the moment. I just feel heavy, but I don't have what I Need to get this done right. I know what happens when I do this wrong.

Maybe I'm just venting. I guess I just survive this until I... don't.

 

[motel rooms]

I guess I just survive this until I... don't.

Seems like you answered your own question...

 

[bakednborderline]

this isn't the answer you probably wanted but self harm helps me. it's a huge release of feeling and then i usually just go to sleep. haven't been able to find any good things that help though. most of my coping skills are damaging

 

[greyautumnsky]

this isn't the answer you probably wanted but self harm helps me. it's a huge release of feeling and then i usually just go to sleep. haven't been able to find any good things that help though. most of my coping skills are damaging

I understand the feeling.

Seems like you answered your own question...

Hence, maybe I'm just venting.
P.s. Someone insert the the point and you meme. Ugghhh. Whoosh.

 

[motel rooms]

this isn't the answer you probably wanted but self harm helps me. it's a huge release of feeling and then i usually just go to sleep.

Are we allowed to promote self-harm now?

 

[motel rooms]

Found a NYT troll lmao. We're already dead inside you can't rile us up. Reading your BS is more self harm than anything else. It really is Netflix and nap time.

You're both new members, maybe you aren't aware of the forum rules. There's no need to be hostile & paranoid.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Sleeping can be one way to deal with the pain of existence, but it can be very unpleasant when you are struggling to sleep. Apart from that I just try to pass the time, I never want to be alive and I do not enjoy anything. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[ashfall]

I understand the feeling. I know I want to ctb and I know I want to use SN but I won't actually have it for a long time yet. In the meantime, I'm really struggling as well. I keep finding myself gravitating towards the kitchen knives which would be a stupid and unnecessarily painful way to go. I have really intense feelings of wanting to ctb at night when I can't sleep and what I usually do is go downstairs and get a knife. I don't self-harm or cut so I know I'd only use it if I absolutely had to ctb. Everyday I manage to find the strength to leave the knife behind. I have a plan and so far I've been strong enough to stick to it. I don't know if this will be of any use to you but just looking at the knives helps me. I feel less trapped and powerless - it makes me feel in control knowing I'm actively making the decision to not ctb. Also, rather than having to constantly battle making the urge to ctb 24/7, it's more of a daily decision thing. I can look towards it whenever I get the urge throught the day. Maybe you could create a similar ritual that might help you.