I find this to a hard-to-answer question. In analyzing the reasons why I'm miserable and want to die I learned that much of it has to do with the fact that I'm forced to do things that I don't want to do, like going to college. Earlier this year I had a horrific manic episode during which I almost died. During my recovery and subsequent hospitalizations one of the primary goals were to get me back to school. My doctors figured getting me back in the classroom was the best way to get me anchored and on track, whatever that means.
So, what I'm trying to get at is that I want to kill myself because I'm stuck in an existence I hate. I wish I could get a full-time job to be able to move out on my own. I wish I had the freedom to watch the movies I want to watch and to read the books I want to read. I yearn to wake up in the morning and feel okay, rested, knowing that I don't have any pressing deadlines or assignments to submit.
Bipolar disorder and college are killing me. I haven't had enough to recover and it's finally caught up to me. My family believes I should be "fine" by now and that everything that goes on with me is an attempt to use my illness to get out of responsibilities. Fuck responsibilities! I keep responsibilities that really matter, like my personal finances, my doctor's appointments, my therapist, et cetera.
I want to die because I'm not brave enough to challenge the system that's killing for fear of ending up homeless (my family) and for fear of a lifetime of poverty (a degree in a shitty field vs. no degree at all). I don't know how much longer I can keep this charade of a life up. It's eating me from the inside out and I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I'm already dead. But I'm too much of a pussy to make my death actually happen.
A strange sense of hope I might break from the system is why I haven't done it yet. But my time is running out.
