Discussion When was the the first time you thought about suicide?

[DeadlyLiving]

For me it was when I was 13. My mom got a new boyfriend whom I didn't like from the start and was a former drug seller, she got addicted to drugs (again) and we moved away from my grandparents into a skyscraper. And all that happened a few months after my grand-grandmother died and I lost my grand-grandfather shortly before that. I developed depression and social anxiety and I trusted no one enough to turn to them and talk about all the feelings and thoughts I had.
I was thinking about my situation and was looking out the window and something changed. I thought about jumping out the window and wanting to die.

From that day on, suicide was never really far from my mind and it basically turned into a comforting thought that if all goes down the drain, that there still is peace for me.

6 years later and I am still alive. I was in therapy, I told selected people about it and I really tried to live a life. No one can say I haven't tried to get better, I really did. But this life isn't for me. I just feel like I am stained from everything that happened in my life and no matter what, I will never have had a normal childhood, I will never have had a normal life. And that is just what I always wanted.

 

[15dec]

I was 12, I'd been feeling pretty depressed for a few months without any real reason to. I had this thought that I wasn't exactly meant to be here, and felt very out of place. I'd been self harming a little bit beforehand but nothing major. Then one day my best friend turned to me and said "why don't you just kill yourself and make everyone happier" and I think that was the point where I was like "you know, she's right".

 

[Funkbunny]

With no other understanding other than I wanted to die, 4.5 years old. Had a good upbringing. Dad had just been taken to prison. He had a shotgun in his study. Could get it in my mouth, but couldn't reach the trigger.

 

[therhydler]

It hit me about 4 months ago for the first time but I have been 100% certain I will ctb every second since then. All my negative toxic demonic emotions had been piling up slowly, my mind was working crazy, there came a point where I stopped eating and sleeping and then WHAM - it was literally like if I had been slammed into a wall - the realization came upon me: I will have to take my own life. I was in such shock - mainly because I could not believe I would do this to my loving family - that I threw up. But since then (and in between was my first failed attempt) I have not even for a second felt that I have any other option

 

[AndyCurious]

Without knowing it like I do now, 35 years ago..

 

[MsM3talGamer]

From around the age of 8-9 when my life became intolerable. After my psycho dad had beaten me up yet again, I remember thinking of jumping out of the 4th floor window. Looking back, I really wish I had.

 

[therhydler]

From around the age of 8-9 when my life became intolerable. After my psycho dad had beaten me up yet again, I remember thinking of jumping out of the 4th floor window. Looking back, I really wish I had.

wow, I'm sorry...

 

[therhydler]

Then one day my best friend turned to me and said "why don't you just kill yourself and make everyone happier"

that's a really shitty thing to say to someone

 

[15dec]

that's a really shitty thing to say to someone

Yeah. Sometimes I try and convince myself she meant it as a joke or something but it doesn't really help. Kind of ashamed it's impacted me so much to be honest. Though it's not the worst thing, one of my exes told me "you're trying to help, you're the one making it worse, you're the reason my arm is dripping with blood, you're the fucking one making me want to die". Apparently he was telling people this stuff for years after we broke up too. Sigh, I've been a lost cause for years it seems

 

[21Neberg]

I was 12, I'd been feeling pretty depressed for a few months without any real reason to. I had this thought that I wasn't exactly meant to be here, and felt very out of place. I'd been self harming a little bit beforehand but nothing major. Then one day my best friend turned to me and said "why don't you just kill yourself and make everyone happier" and I think that was the point where I was like "you know, she's right".

I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I hope you've cut those people out of your life.

 

[15dec]

I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I hope you've cut those people out of your life.

Thank you, she moved to the other side of the country a few months later so I haven't spoken to her in years.

 

[21Neberg]

Thank you, she moved to the other side of the country a few months later so I haven't spoken to her in years.

That's good to hear. We all hate ourselves, and we dont need other people to help us hate us.

 

[Haze]

One millisecond ago.

 

[21Neberg]

One millisecond ago.

Sending strength. Good luck.

 

[John Smith]

I was around 11 or 12 and always fantasized about jumping down the laundry shoot head first.

 

[Madame Psychosis]

I must have been 12 or so. I don't think there was any real precipitating event, aside from a troubling feeling that I didn't belong, that I wasn't cut out for the whole "being a human being" thing. Fantasies of drinking bleach and stabbing myself with a kitchen knife eventually gave way to more intense, realistic thoughts of ctb. They've stuck with me ever since.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Constantly for about 6 months