When they talk about relationships and dating in my self-help group I am innerly dying

[noname223]

Someone just a little bit older than me married recently. The weirdest guys who cannot even speak in front of others had relationships in contrast to be me. A person has every few week a new crush and often succeeds to get together with them despite being socially awkward as fuck. My closest college friend I have the feeling he fucks every second week someone new. (He is not in my self-help group). And it feels like he is using the women. He does not openly communicate it is not a longterm relationship for him. I hope he never will find out I never had a relationship. Bro I gonna die. His behavior is low key disgusting though. How does he manage to find so many women? He is really smart but does not look that good. For others who are not familiar with my story I often have love delusions and they ruined everything thus far. Actually I think I will never try it in real life with a woman again. I always get paranoid and make an ass out of myself. I ordered SN after the last time. I think someone in my self-help group might like me but I will never ask her I think I cannot stomach another narcisisstic injury. I simply can't.

And we talk so often about relationships. This group is pretty good to ease loneliness. Some of them have open relationships. Something I could never imagine.
I am silent about suicide in this group since 4 months. But maybe I open up about my new plans in October. I consider suicide in October. But it is unlikely that I do it I think. I am such a loser. I have become very quiet in that group because I feel embarrassed about my life.

The group has become a ritual for me. I like the people there. They are good people. But my life is such a shit show. I consider to tell them one day that I am a frequent poster in a suicide forum. They also did not do shit when I was acute suicidal. But suicide forums are stigmatized as fuck.

Tomorrow I have the third date with the woman from the dating app. Someone told me straight off that if I am not interested in her I should not meet her further. Despite the fact I did not want to talk about this topic I emphasized that. In the end I talked about it because of him. I have an argument with her because her behavior is very weird and confusing. Generic questions are too personal for her. For example her last name. Bruh. And her communication is a disaster.

Edit: The argument low key escalated. My friend who knows all the messages tells me that it is completely her fault and that I am an idiot still to talk to her. She blames me for everything. According to him it is fully her fault. Tbh I am really bad at reading her. She could be seriously angry. I think it might be over. And maybe it is better that way. Her allegations against me are a joke tbh. I would interrogate her for asking personal questions (like her last name lol). I just try to learn more about her. She never asks me any questions. I was really puzzled that she likes our conversations because she barely contributes anything to the exchange. I invest so much more into this than her. Maybe I should really stop it.

 

[noname223]

I still ruminate about this guy who wanted to guilt trip me for dating someone I am ambivalent whether I really want a relationship with her. We had an argument yesterday. Our first one and I thought it might be over. I even feared she would say she does not want to meet me again after this.
Well we had a date today. The argument wasn't a topic. She loves going for long walks. I am totally fine with that. It is not something I would do alone but for her why not.

I have 3 issues for our potential relationship. She does not open up about herself. That is rather a minor issue and could get better with time. Second issue her communication is a disaster. And I tried to communicate that this behavior is not good. Which resulted in our argument. Third problem she does not like texting and I genuinely love it.

I feel extremely lonely. Our texting dilemma makes my mental health worse. But our date today it lasted 8 hours it was pretty good for my mental health.

Many topics were rather superficial but I made her laugh sometimes. Many people like my humor but it is rather hard to make her laugh. I told her a lot. I told her about the video games I watch, animes, mangas, that college deteriorated my health, my obsession with weight, I told her about darkrange55 without mentioning his name, that I know a lot of women who experienced sexual abuse, I said people in my family have depression and bipolar.

We took a long walk. Gladly we also sat a lot. It was pretty hot. We ate at an Asian restauraunt, bought some ice cream. The most exciting moments were the following. There was a small park bench which was a little bit too small for two people. The bench was rather meant for laying on it with your back. We came close to each other but there was like 1 cm between us. She looked sort of thrilled and I had the feeling she enjoyed that. I got a slight boner but I think she did not notice that but I am not fully sure. She looked a little bit in love with me how we layed there next to each others. But it was the only moment I had this excact impression. I think she is really hard to read and often does not show her emotions.

I am sort of mad at this guy in my self-help group for guilt tripping me. She is not my dream woman I admit that. But I enjoyed this day. I am more calm when I am with her. But I would not say that I have feelings yet. But I might develop. He thinks it is unethically if I am not really interested. The motto any relationship is not the right one. I am suicidal. I consider to kill myself because this soul-crushinh loneliness. I am doing everything so that we fit to each other. There are many men tricking women into having sex with them and then never meet them again. But I am certainly not one of those. I think I will open up about my suicidality and inability to work one day. I assume she will leave me quite quickly. If not she might be the one. But with the magnitude how my life is fucked I am a big red flag who should be avoided. This is why I like in certain ways she does not ask such questions.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

I gave up dating and sexual relationships 2 years ago, I just don't want to get my hopes up anymore and also know that I provide zero to a relationship. With a few exceptions I'm just always miserable, and sex is just a constant reminder of my fundamental physical root in this world that I hate, I want to shed this fucking body like a butterfly, it always bothered me, even as a child.

 

[Decided98]

Someone just a little bit older than me married recently. The weirdest guys who cannot even speak in front of others had relationships in contrast to be me. A person has every few week a new crush and often succeeds to get together with them despite being socially awkward as fuck. My closest college friend I have the feeling he fucks every second week someone new. (He is not in my self-help group). And it feels like he is using the women. He does not openly communicate it is not a longterm relationship for him. I hope he never will find out I never had a relationship. Bro I gonna die. His behavior is low key disgusting though. How does he manage to find so many women? He is really smart but does not look that good. For others who are not familiar with my story I often have love delusions and they ruined everything thus far. Actually I think I will never try it in real life with a woman again. I always get paranoid and make an ass out of myself. I ordered SN after the last time. I think someone in my self-help group might like me but I will never ask her I think I cannot stomach another narcisisstic injury. I simply can't.

And we talk so often about relationships. This group is pretty good to ease loneliness. Some of them have open relationships. Something I could never imagine.
I am silent about suicide in this group since 4 months. But maybe I open up about my new plans in October. I consider suicide in October. But it is unlikely that I do it I think. I am such a loser. I have become very quiet in that group because I feel embarrassed about my life.

The group has become a ritual for me. I like the people there. They are good people. But my life is such a shit show. I consider to tell them one day that I am a frequent poster in a suicide forum. They also did not do shit when I was acute suicidal. But suicide forums are stigmatized as fuck.

Tomorrow I have the third date with the woman from the dating app. Someone told me straight off that if I am not interested in her I should not meet her further. Despite the fact I did not want to talk about this topic I emphasized that. In the end I talked about it because of him. I have an argument with her because her behavior is very weird and confusing. Generic questions are too personal for her. For example her last name. Bruh. And her communication is a disaster.

Edit: The argument low key escalated. My friend who knows all the messages tells me that it is completely her fault and that I am an idiot still to talk to her. She blames me for everything. According to him it is fully her fault. Tbh I am really bad at reading her. She could be seriously angry. I think it might be over. And maybe it is better that way. Her allegations against me are a joke tbh. I would interrogate her for asking personal questions (like her last name lol). I just try to learn more about her. She never asks me any questions. I was really puzzled that she likes our conversations because she barely contributes anything to the exchange. I invest so much more into this than her. Maybe I should really stop it.

How old are you?

 

[noname223]

How old are you?

I am in my mid-twenties.

 

[Decided98]

I am in my mid-twenties.

Right I'm just above and I feel the same way and can resonate to some of what you were saying