Discussion When there’s no treatment, I don’t have options anymore.

[020x]

My life was shitty anyways as I was worthless and a failure but I thought fuck it this just life so imma just enjoy anyways. I also suffered from kidney stones for 2 years which was literally a hell of a pain, don't even know how I didn't commit back then. But anyways. It got better, I thought, yay i'm stone free now… I have motivation to grow and be happy! i started working out, almost every day, was enjoying every single day, stress free life. Until.

A month ago I experienced a panic attack suddenly, out of nowhere. I was walking wobbly, felt like i was floating then my heart started to beat faster cause I got scared and suddenly I couldn't breath for a second or two and I thought I was gonna collapse (and it was inside a store with many people) so I quickly left the store and went home straight away! Now the thing is, I didn't know it was a panic attack, until I searched up on the internet. Later after that panic attack, I now got panic disorder, which is basically fear of getting the panic attack again, which just a single thought or fear you feel, will make the panic attack come again… People say "just don't think about it" yeah like if it was THIS easy I wouldn't be suffering this badly. After telling my doctor that I have panic disorder, and that I'm constantly scared, barely breathing, dry mouth, can't sleep.. just constant stress that doesn't stop, he decided to prescribe me xanax (benzodiazepines) and sertraline (SSRI) to calm me down. guess what, this the only shit that made me breath again, but my life is still, forever ruined. those who get panic disorder, which makes every day a worthless suffering have it till the rest of their life. It's getting worse for me, I can't even leave my house without taking 3-4 pills of xanax. it's crazy. i'm fucked. i don't wanna live like a zombie on medication and be dependent on some fucking pills. i want my old life back, i'm literally only 20 years old, was about to find a job, get a license, live my life. And here we go, this non curable mental illness ruined everything. even with kidney stones i decided to keep doing what i'm doing, i'm not afraid of physical pain. but panic disorder.. is not even a fucking joke, it's a hell. especially when no one, even your therapist can't help you, meds become useless after some time. this is like the final hit, a sign for me. i'm finished.

i plan to do it if it won't get better, by better I mean by asking my doctor to prescribe me a high dose of xanax (1mg), i have no options. I got a 1 cm thickness polyester rope just incase, i know this ain't the most painless way to go but definitely the easiest. i have a family of 6 people, 2 parents and 3 brothers. ofc i don't want them to suffer if I abandon them, but it will be better than them seeing me going crazy every single day because of panic attacks.

i wanted to ask the experienced people here, how exactly does the hanging work, not full suspension, but by kneeling down. how do I position the rope? above the adams apple or under it? what knot do i have to make for this?

i really want to know so I can exit like a champ and not like a retarded braintard.

 

[carac]

I can't really advise you on the hanging although there is a section here on it, maybe somebody else will link it if you can't find it, all I will say is I tried it several times and it's not as easy as it sounds.

Have you considered that your panic disorder is related to the trauma you went through with the kidney stones? 2 years seems a long time and I hear they can be hell. Obviously I don't know you but there could be an underlying issues you have missed and needs to be addressed.

 

[worstOFsociety]

There is a megathred somewhere about hanging and half suspension hanging. But I really wouldn't recommend it either, I've tried it a few times and as you can see it didn't work out for me.

I've gone through periods where I'd have panic attacks pretty much everyday it is really a horrible experience that makes your life pretty much unlivable so I get it. But you should probably try to find another way to ctb but if you are really set on hanging then I wish you luck.

Hope things get better for you and that the stronger meds helps you get a better life tho

 

[FuneralCry]

There is the suicide resource compilation section on here for information about the method, but anyway it really sounds so horrible what you've been through and it must be unbearable, I wish you the best, existence really is too cruel.

 

[Jolene79]

Just in case, and I have no idea if this relates but have you looked into POTS and mast cell activation. You will feel like you're dying quite often. It's just the way you describe this abrupt sudden onset. I have these conditions.

 

[020x]

I can't really advise you on the hanging although there is a section here on it, maybe somebody else will link it if you can't find it, all I will say is I tried it several times and it's not as easy as it sounds.

Have you considered that your panic disorder is related to the trauma you went through with the kidney stones? 2 years seems a long time and I hear they can be hell. Obviously I don't know you but there could be an underlying issues you have missed and needs to be addressed.

I don't think it was related to my bad experiences in life, including kidney stones, it even made me a more appreciative person and also mentally stronger because I understood how grateful a person has to be if any of his problems aren't related to his health, which is the most important thing in life. I became a lot kinder to people, especially to ones with illnesses.

But. What it could be.. I always had this little fear inside of me, not particularly the fear of dying (like exiting the world), but feeling the pain from losing my breath, always made sure my heart didn't beat too hard when working out. Even simple heart palpitations that most people experience(d) or stabbing in chest scared me a lot, I really thought I had a heart attack. I think that was the reason I got my first panic attack. Because of that little fear I always had, eventually I thought that I was going to collapse when I was walking at the store and felt like I was floating instead, I was wobbly, which from other people's perspective looked like I was drunk (which made me even more nervous cause there were lots of people). I think it was this time, that the adrenaline hit so hard that a panic attack occurred. Which I never. Ever. Had before.

 

[carac]

I don't think it was related to my bad experiences in life, including kidney stones, it even made me a more appreciative person and also mentally stronger because I understood how grateful a person has to be if any of his problems aren't related to his health, which is the most important thing in life. I became a lot kinder to people, especially to ones with illnesses.

But. What it could be.. I always had this little fear inside of me, not particularly the fear of dying (like exiting the world), but feeling the pain from losing my breath, always made sure my heart didn't beat too hard when working out. Even simple heart palpitations that most people experience(d) or stabbing in chest scared me a lot, I really thought I had a heart attack. I think that was the reason I got my first panic attack. Because of that little fear I always had, eventually I thought that I was going to collapse when I was walking and felt like I was floating instead, I was wobbly, which from other people's perspective looked like I was drunk. I think it was this time, that the adrenaline hit so hard that a panic attack occurred. Which I never. Ever. Had before.

The only reason I mentioned it was because in my case I had issues which I had for years until I made the association of some trauma that I had recieved earlier. I thought I was strong but the unconscious mind has a way of doing things to us that we aren't even aware of. Also the fact that you became a lot kinder to people might suggest you are the type of personality like a people pleaser that can repress a lot of these emotions.

Honestly it could be anything though like you suggest, it's definitely something worth exploring and I don't think you should have the mindset that you are stuck with this and it will only get worse, there are many people that have overcome such problems. You might even have a physical condition like POTS as suggested above.
Personally I don't like the idea that pills are the answer (other people will swear by them and that's cool) I think they can help with symptoms but I think you need to get to the root of the problem.