Discussion when people say “if you wanted to die you would have done it by now”

[idlegirl]

so i had a bad night last night and went to the top of a car park and tried to get to a non-fenced but to jump off, but it was harder than i anticipated and left it. when i went home i relapsed on cutting and was kind of hoping i could hit a artery but it's harder to cut deeply on your wrists since there's not much fat. i went to a&e this morning and they steri stripped it closed for me.

i told my long-suffering partner about what happened last night (we went out drinking, had a tiff and i completely overreacted by doing as above). he said if you wanted to die so badly why didn't you do it?

he's said this before and other people have to me as well. it makes me so angry and want to do it more just to prove i'm not joking around. i'm trying my best to power through it but that makes me want to attempt as a big fuck you. it's so invalidating. it's probably the worst thing someone can say to me but people seem to think it's so insightful and clever to tell me that?

is it true? what holds us back? for me, i don't want to upset anyone but i'm sick of hanging about for everyone else's sake. also survival instinct is more powerful than people think.

 

[istheretrulyalife?]

People don't understand how hard it is until they attempt it. It's always been that way, even on other less extreme things like sports and video games.

Like, you see someone playing a video game professionally and make money and someone thinks "i could do that" until they actually play against good people on that game.

Sorry for everything that's going on man.

 

[cami]

i wanted to die. i attempted ctb. i didn't do it.


intentions don't always translate to actions, or successful actions and that doesn't make your suffering any less valid.

 

[nerve]

hate this one. there's not even a point to it, it's just kind of catchy and sounds clever.

it's almost like they're insulting people for hanging on and staying alive as long as they can.

 

[idlegirl]

hate this one. there's not even a point to it, it's just kind of catchy and sounds clever.

it's almost like they're insulting people for hanging on and staying alive as long as they can.

i agree, it doesn't really mean anything, it's just a kind of 'gotcha' statement?

people who have never been in this kind of headspace really don't get it. killing yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, even if you want it. everything in your body will fight to keep you alive.

when i've had people say this to me all i hear is that i'm weak for not fulfilling my ideations.

People don't understand how hard it is until they attempt it. It's always been that way, even on other less extreme things like sports and video games.

Like, you see someone playing a video game professionally and make money and someone thinks "i could do that" until they actually play against good people on that game.

Sorry for everything that's going on man.

i think part of it too is that people don't fully get suicidal ideation unless they go through it themselves. you have to go against every instinct to hurt yourself enough to die. that's hard?????!

dying is simultaneously hard and easy. people die by accident all the time but a suicide attempt can easily go awry.

i wanted to die. i attempted ctb. i didn't do it.


intentions don't always translate to actions, or successful actions and that doesn't make your suffering any less valid.

thanks for responding. i really wanted to do something to prove a point but that's a really bad reason to endanger my life haha.

 

[leloyon]

They don't know how big of a deal survival instinct is because they've never been in a position where that's the only thing stopping them from dying.

 

[Daxter_87]

Sure, if there was a painless and reliable way to CTB whenever we want, I would no longer be here. If the people who say this kind of bullshit weren't simultaneously forcing people to stay alive, I would no longer be here. If this whole society weren't so anti-suicide and didn't tell us, at the same time, "well, just do it then, dude", as if they were mocking us to our fucking faces, then I would no longer be here.

 

[idlegirl]

Sure, if there was a painless and reliable way to CTB whenever we want, I would no longer be here. If the people who say this kind of bullshit weren't simultaneously forcing people to stay alive, I would no longer be here. If this whole society weren't so anti-suicide and didn't tell us, at the same time, "well, just do it then, dude", as if they were mocking us to our fucking faces, then I would no longer be here.

this is so true! how can we feel like it's okay to reach out when the kinds of responses we get essentially say "then do it??"
also that personally makes me want to pick a more lethal method so i don't have to hear any bollocks about being attention-seeking/cry for help/not serious.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

so i had a bad night last night and went to the top of a car park and tried to get to a non-fenced but to jump off, but it was harder than i anticipated and left it. when i went home i relapsed on cutting and was kind of hoping i could hit a artery but it's harder to cut deeply on your wrists since there's not much fat. i went to a&e this morning and they steri stripped it closed for me.

i told my long-suffering partner about what happened last night (we went out drinking, had a tiff and i completely overreacted by doing as above). he said if you wanted to die so badly why didn't you do it?

he's said this before and other people have to me as well. it makes me so angry and want to do it more just to prove i'm not joking around. i'm trying my best to power through it but that makes me want to attempt as a big fuck you. it's so invalidating. it's probably the worst thing someone can say to me but people seem to think it's so insightful and clever to tell me that?

is it true? what holds us back? for me, i don't want to upset anyone but i'm sick of hanging about for everyone else's sake. also survival instinct is more powerful than people think.

Even if we want ctb so much SI is still so difficult to overcome. And everyone out there saying "Why didn't you do it yet?" was never ever so close to a ctb attempt as most of the people who hestitated in the last minutes or even seconds. When it comes to CTB words are spoken easily but the real attempt is such a difficult task for everyone and who never was so close to a real attempt cannot talk about it. I really wish you all the best and strength whether you plan a serious recovery or your next attempt.

What holds me back: Still too much hope left, family

 

[idlegirl]

Even if we want ctb so much SI is still so difficult to overcome. And everyone out there saying "Why didn't you do it yet?" was never ever so close to a ctb attempt as most of the people who hestitated in the last minutes or even seconds. When it comes to CTB words are spoken easily but the real attempt is such a difficult task for everyone and who never was so close to a real attempt cannot talk about it. I really wish you all the best and strength whether you plan a serious recovery or your next attempt.

What holds me back: Still too much hope left, family

thanks very much for your response!
i think i will try and hang around for now. i have a holiday booked for september

 

[SexyIncél]

"If you wanted to be a billionaire, you would've done it by now"

 

[woh6]

I understand how you feel. It's just incredibly hard to leave this world in a quick, peaceful, easy way. Most of us are too afraid to fail or to endure pain. That doesn't mean you're any less valid, anyone who says that is just extremely dense and insensitive. It's also frustrating because the easy ways are restricted from us.

 

[idlegirl]

"If you wanted to be a billionaire, you would've done it by now"

hahahah! very this! i'm going to say this next time someone says that to me!

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

They always say that to me too

 

[H25pital Order]

1). Attempted & failed; and 2). Suicide isn't easy.

 

[Nofuture1234]

I think physical pain or fear of failing and ending up disabled and trapped in a hospital are a much, much larger factor than "not REALLY wanting to die". Even guns have a chance at failing if you don't aim perfectly--and that's assuming guns are even available to you. And if you live with others you have to find somewhere secluded enough you can hide and not be discovered and "saved" until you're already gone, which can be very difficult depending on where you live.
You have to keep in mind a lot of the people who say this haven't been in the place we are. Their lives are much more idyllic.
Same with "You don't want to die you just want the suffering to stop." Uh, fucking duh. Some kinds of suffering can only be stopped by death".
If all you had to do was just press a button and stop existing a lot more people would be gone.

 

[Miku _fanboy101]

My mom tells me this but I've been there for her during the times when she's gonna try and end herself so what the fuck???

 

[Moonomyth]

The best response for this kind of claim is to remind the person making it of all the failed dreams they haven't gotten around to either. Where's that novel? How's opening the new business going? Still trying for a kid?

If they really wanted it that badly, obviously they'd have done it by now.

 

[Ephemeron]

The best response for this kind of claim is to remind the person making it of all the failed dreams they haven't gotten around to either. Where's that novel? How's opening the new business going? Still trying for a kid?

If they really wanted it that badly, obviously they'd have done it by now.

That's the right response. People just thoughtlessly say "if you wanted to die you would have done it by now" because they can't even imagine that others experience such pain, etc. in life, so they take any such expression as fake or "wanting attention".

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I would have done it now but I'm just too lazy and keep getting in my own way. If I was able to recover in the ways that normal people expect would actually make me want to live life, then that would also remove all the barriers preventing me from truly carrying out what I've always longed for.

 

[sserafim]

That's what my mom says to me. Sometimes I want to do it just to prove her wrong, but I'm so scared of failing an attempt and being left with permanent damage. I wish euthanasia was legal so people could have a guaranteed exit and way out.

 

[barkbark]

imma be completely honest. i think "if you wanted to die you would have done it by now" not only should be considered one of the worst things you can say to a suicidal person, but if suicide prevention measures were consistent, it should be considered as encouraging suicide.

think about it, what are the possible reasonings for saying it? at most generous, it's a really poorly worded way of belittling someone's struggles and stigmatizing suicide to make people shut up. at worst, it's deliberately trying to bait people into taking their own life. it's disgusting and cruel imo

 

[mortuarymary]

I have been known in the past to shout jump if I've been stuck in a traffic jam for hours on a bridge/motorway. But, no, really I'd never say why haven't you yet. We all have reasons why we are still here