Discussion Do you feel like you are addicted to hurting yourself?

[cocoseal]

I just got out of one of my episodes, I was struggling so hard to not hurt myself because if I keep self harming I will be sent to residential in a hospital and thats the last thing I want to happen. I don't understand why I hurt myself I guess theres so many reasons to it. when I was 11 my abuser made me cut myself and he got off to it and from there it turned into something I did out of sadness. Some thing I did because I deserved it I deserved to feel pain. I wanted others to see it too I wanted to be saved from the dark spot I was in. All my trauma that I went through, I needed to escape cutting myself was my escapism.
At 15 It turned into a trait. I cut myself no matter what if I was happy, It would be something I would first think of when I woke up. I did it in school, home, church, everywhere I brought a razor with me. I recorded it and sent it to others so they can pity me and also just because I wanted to make others proud of me (I had reached out and connected with other cutters). When I turned 17 I realised there was an issue, going to the hospital for it often, everyone around me wanting me to stop.
I remember once my mom took all the sharp things from me and I had a extra razor in my make up bag. This is when I truely saw there was a issue, I smiled hard I felt so bright i went to school so happy knowing I had a extra razor left. It only kept getting worse from there. I remember being clean for a month after getting out the ward and I remember when I relapsed I felt tingley rather than depressed. I felt turned on seeing my blood go down my legs. To talk about this now makes me feel disgusting and I cant tell anyone about this because I'll be casted out.
Till now have I shared this. My addiction to cutting was always bad I did whatever I could to cut myself and to this very day I still do. I was sent to the hospital again involuntarily and the exact day I got out my mother and me went to the mall to celebrate, and I saw the most prettiest box cutter and me not having money due to my impulsive spending habits when I'm in a episode I just stole it and ran out the store to find my mom that was in another store. I do not feel I can ever let go this habit and I feel bad I failed everyone around me.

 

[GreenOctober]

I just got out of one of my episodes, I was struggling so hard to not hurt myself because if I keep self harming I will be sent to residential in a hospital and thats the last thing I want to happen. I don't understand why I hurt myself I guess theres so many reasons to it. when I was 11 my abuser made me cut myself and he got off to it and from there it turned into something I did out of sadness. Some thing I did because I deserved it I deserved to feel pain. I wanted others to see it too I wanted to be saved from the dark spot I was in. All my trauma that I went through, I needed to escape cutting myself was my escapism.
At 15 It turned into a trait. I cut myself no matter what if I was happy, It would be something I would first think of when I woke up. I did it in school, home, church, everywhere I brought a razor with me. I recorded it and sent it to others so they can pity me and also just because I wanted to make others proud of me (I had reached out and connected with other cutters). When I turned 17 I realised there was an issue, going to the hospital for it often, everyone around me wanting me to stop.
I remember once my mom took all the sharp things from me and I had a extra razor in my make up bag. This is when I truely saw there was a issue, I smiled hard I felt so bright i went to school so happy knowing I had a extra razor left. It only kept getting worse from there. I remember being clean for a month after getting out the ward and I remember when I relapsed I felt tingley rather than depressed. I felt turned on seeing my blood go down my legs. To talk about this now makes me feel disgusting and I cant tell anyone about this because I'll be casted out.
Till now have I shared this. My addiction to cutting was always bad I did whatever I could to cut myself and to this very day I still do. I was sent to the hospital again involuntarily and the exact day I got out my mother and me went to the mall to celebrate, and I saw the most prettiest box cutter and me not having money due to my impulsive spending habits when I'm in a episode I just stole it and ran out the store to find my mom that was in another store. I do not feel I can ever let go this habit and I feel bad I failed everyone around me.

Hmm idk about this but what about the mental side of it, like the "self sabotage" part. I know a few people who self sabotage in a pretentious way and I might slip up and think it might happen to me but I try and catch it and prevent it. Enough about me tho, what about u.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

Self-harm is an addiction. Every time I stop, I just want to start again. For a moment, I thought I was ready to give up on it. But, I was wrong. I'm still clinging onto the wrangled mess of emotions that have brought me to this point. My first reaction to every problem in my life is to cut myself. Whenever my emotional tide runs too high -- or there isn't one at all, I want to hurt myself. I can only escape self-harm through distraction; my mind has to be so preoccupied on other task that there isn't any room left to think about it. But... those type of tasks deprive me of a lot of energy... and when I'm low energy, I want to hurt myself. I embrace the relief it provides.

It's been getting worse over the months. It truly is an addiction; I need to cut more -- both in number and depth -- to get that same reprieve from my own head. It's an endless cycle that I cannot escape. I feel idiotic for starting, and I feel idiotic for thinking I could ever stop. I feel horrible for telling people that I was ready to move beyond this habit –– a sentiment I genuinely believed... for about 24 hours. I cut myself because I hate myself, and I hate myself for cutting myself. It's a constant loop.