Ah; it's so hard. I want to tell the one I currently have but feel I can't, I just deflect. The first time and only time I tried to come clean of my plans and feelings was to my old psychiatrist many years ago. I was given medication that messed me up more than helped and was immediately sent to a hospital nearby for suicide watch. The resentment in my mothers eyes, the frustration and sadness in my fathers eyes and being berated by the medical nurse and clinical psychologist for the what a terrible person I was for putting my family through this was too much. I felt alienated, abandoned and at that moment I knew that I should keep my mouth shut until I ctb. My father just died I can't have my mother get a heart attack with cops coming to the door if I tell this current psychiatrist everything. So difficult.