When I look into a mirror I want to hurt myself.

[BitterlyAlive]

I know I'm not that fat. I used to be a bit obese though. Lost all the weight really quickly. Lost more weight due to depression and was almost underweight.

I've gained about 30 pounds since then because I've picked up binging again and am too lazy to stop. I look in the mirror and see that disgusting fatass that I was before. I feel like such an ugly freak. I have a desire to punch the mirror or hurt myself.

Sometimes I just want to carve words into myself to remind me of how gross I am. I've almost done it a few times. I know it's not worth it though...

My friends say I worry too much about my weight. But I never looked as good as when I was borderline underweight. They say I still look healthy and a bit skinny. I literally cannot see what they're talking about. Tbh I don't really care if I repeat the process that caused me to drop all the weight. I deserve that pain anyway.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

you don't deserve any pain, nor are you gross, disgusting, or any of those things.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

you don't deserve any pain, nor are you gross, disgusting, or any of those things.

Thanks. I'm sorry. I just can't convince myself of any of that. God, I hate myself.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

Thanks. I'm sorry. I just can't convince myself of any of that. God, I hate myself.

don't apologize. it's hard to convince yourself of these things when you've told yourself the opposite for so long.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

don't apologize. it's hard to convince yourself of these things when you've told yourself the opposite for so long.

I feel like I don't have the right to feel better. There's something inherently twisted about me. It hurts but...meh. :/

 

[BitterlyAlive]

don't apologize. it's hard to convince yourself of these things when you've told yourself the opposite for so long.

I'm sorry, my response kind of sucked. Thanks for being so kind.

 

[woxihuanni]

Have the opposite problem, but same result. I'd just climbed up to normal BMI range threshold, was wanting to put on ten more kilos. Then more shit happens and I plummet back, four kilos already and counting. Just cannot eat when I'm scared for good reason that I will be forced to die soon.

My partner despises me because I cannot eat when they torture me. They think it means I am a subhuman insane dumb piece of filth.

 

[mr.smileysad]

that sucks I hope you can feel better about your body shape I am about 5'9 and 115 pounds sometimes I feel so skinny so I wear baggy sweaters but it doesnt matter because I am sure you arent overweight and if you truely are then nobody should care

that sucks I hope you can feel better about your body shape I am about 5'9 and 115 pounds sometimes I feel so skinny so I wear baggy sweaters but it doesnt matter because I am sure you arent overweight and if you truely are then nobody should care

I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Have the opposite problem, but same result. I'd just climbed up to normal BMI range threshold, was wanting to put on ten more kilos. Then more shit happens and I plummet back, four kilos already and counting. Just cannot eat when I'm scared for good reason that I will be forced to die soon.

My partner despises me because I cannot eat when they torture me. They think it means I am a subhuman insane dumb piece of filth.

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

that sucks I hope you can feel better about your body shape I am about 5'9 and 115 pounds sometimes I feel so skinny so I wear baggy sweaters but it doesnt matter because I am sure you arent overweight and if you truely are then nobody should care

I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive

Nah, I don't think it did. I am overweight by definition. I don't care too much about people's views of my weight, I just hate myself for it. To me it means a huge failure on my part, a lack of discipline and control. Plus I look disgusting in my eyes lmao

 

[Wayfaerer]

I have to make a new post because I re-read the OP and completely misunderstood the context the first time around .

I don't know what to tell you as that sounds like a strictly emotional problem. Are you depressed? That can warp someone's self perception in a drastic way just by neuro-chemistry alone. Our brains can play nasty tricks on us by concocting illusions that seem real but really aren't.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

same ngl, why am I this stupid piece of shit, I wanna be someone else

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I have to make a new post because I re-read the OP and completely misunderstood the context the first time around .

I don't know what to tell you as that sounds like a strictly emotional problem. Are you depressed? That can warp someone's self perception in a drastic way just by neuro-chemistry alone. Our brains can play nasty tricks on us by concocting illusions that seem real but really aren't.

Yeah, I have depression. I've hated myself since I was 10, then depression set in at 12 and made it worse. It really seems real, I feel like I'm 30 pounds heavier than I really am. I see it in the mirror and I swear it gets worse every day. Pretty soon I'm just gonna punch it or something lmao

same ngl, why am I this stupid piece of shit, I wanna be someone else

I don't even want to be someone else because then I may not die by suicide. Is that fucked up?

Edit: yeah it is. :/

 

[Stick]

I wish I could come and hug everyone in this thread .
I used to really hate myself too. I still do, but not as strongly anymore. Something that helped me once was to imagine myself as someone completely different, but with the traits that I hated about myself. Because that fake self wasn't me, I could like that fake self and the traits they had, which helped me feel better about my real self. Idk if that makes sense.
I'm just trying to give you what I can. None of you here deserve to feel this way.

I don't even want to be someone else because then I may not die by suicide. Is that fucked up?

I don't think it's fucked up, honestly. With suicide you have a choice, you have control over yourself. At least for me, when I'm at my lowest point, control is everything. Maybe you have a different reason for it, but it doesn't sound messed up to me. Everyone on here pretty much wants to control how they die.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I wish I could come and hug everyone in this thread .
I used to really hate myself too. I still do, but not as strongly anymore. Something that helped me once was to imagine myself as someone completely different, but with the traits that I hated about myself. Because that fake self wasn't me, I could like that fake self and the traits they had, which helped me feel better about my real self. Idk if that makes sense.
I'm just trying to give you what I can. None of you here deserve to feel this way.

I don't think it's fucked up, honestly. With suicide you have a choice, you have control over yourself. At least for me, when I'm at my lowest point, control is everything. Maybe you have a different reason for it, but it doesn't sound messed up to me. Everyone on here pretty much wants to control how they die.

It makes sense. I'm far more forgiving of others and always see the good side of people. I try to give grace when I can.

Tbh my worst fear is to lose the capacity to kill myself.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Tbh my worst fear is to lose the capacity to kill myself.

That's a lot of people's fears. It's why I wouldn't upload my consciousness onto a computer to achieve immortality or anything like that. We have the capacity to create a literal heaven but also a literal hell. It's far too much of a risk that I would've been able to take.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

That's a lot of people's fears.

Doesn't make it any less important to me.