I read something in the biography of David Foster Wallace that he became smarter when he grew older. I am a dimension away from his intelligence but to a certain extent this applies to me.
My family only consists of morons. This is why they thought domestic violence would help my development. But this is not the topic. As a child I watched with my mom reality TV, soaps, trash TV etc. In school people bullied me for that. Further teachers never saw any potential in my skills. They criticized me for my poor language skills the most.
With 15 something changed in my brain chemistry. There happened a traumatic bullying event when I became paranoid for the first time in my life. Roundabout one year later a manic-depressive episode started. I was not aware of that. But I started to study like an idiot. Moreover my cognitive skills improved and I became sharper. However this was also the time when my suicidality began. I started to self-loath me etc.
After my first breakdown I had major depression. But I switched to another manic episode afterwards. The rat race started once again. After my second psychosis I became way more aware about my situation. Since then I realized I will probably have to kill myself eventually. I tried so many different attempts to recover. But I think I have some problems which are just unsolvable for me. I did not take my antipsychotic medication for more than a year and turned extremely weird and awkward because of that. But I also was almost every day alone. My self-esteem was non-existent.
After a while my depression went away after an extremely agonizing mixed episode. I trained my social skills again and to keep eye contact. My therapist helped me a lot to regain my sanity.
During all these years I educated myself with different things. I watched a lot of youtube also some lectures. I learned about literature, philosophy and politics. I think especially my consumption of politics shows my development. As a teenager I read the yellow press which my parents read. This sort of politicized me. Then I started to read more high-quality newspapers. Though only the free versions where i had to grind etc. Complicated story. Some years ago I bought my first newspaper subscription and the articles are so much better than in the free version. I spent time with this very impressive STEM professor in a clinic. This fueled me to educate myself further. My friends say maybe this meeting was counterproductive for me because I am so obsessed about it. I think there are some pro and cons about it. However I started to read more scientifical articles and I have to say I enjoy them way more than usual media articles. Some of them are very hard to read. But there are also ones with an interesting writing. So maybe I did not become smarter just the sources for my education became better.
In college some people are impressed by my knowledge. Most of it is fake they don't know I am studying part-time. Though when I make a comparison how my perception changed within the years it is insane. My German teachers in primary school were so concerned about me. It is pretty stunning contrast.
I think in the past they underestimated me. Meanwhile they are overestimating me.
Now to the I become more ill part. I still struggle with anxiety and overthinking to a shocking extent. Sometimes people in college notice that something is wrong with me. I hate that. Some kind of consider me a crazy genius though I should not think too much about that. My brain overestimates the importante of myself in the minds of others. When i was manic I was very charismatic and self-confident also women liked that. But iIwas too obsessed by studying to find a partner.
My therapists called my current mental state an episode without major depressive or manic symptoms. Still I am so fucking fragile and I struggle every single day. I think my bipolar brain is not made for maintaining this condition forever. It is extremely difficult to hold the balance. I read such a state on average maintains 3 years. I am now in that state for 2,5 years. I will kill myself after the next breakdown. In order to have any chance to survive this condition has to hold for like a decade. Lol. Which is very unlikely. I swear without the addictive medication I would have relapsed years ago. Sometimes I am so shaky. My anxiety is insane. I am taking like 5 medication to sleep better and to reduce my anxiety. Still both is often awful and especially my anxiety knows no limit. My sleep and my anxiety is interconnected. To be honest I think it is a miracle I made it so far in college. For the fact that I am such a wreck it is pretty good how I manage it. But I am very sure that the degree is worthless. I cannot hold a job. My brain is not trained for that. I was abused in order to write good grades. Sorry mom you ruined it.
I try to postpone that hell breaks lose as long as possible. Yesterday I took a benzo and a sleeping pill and the day today was pretty good due to that. Though I am very scared about addiction. I am not sure whether I should take a sleeping pill this night. Fuck my life. I hope I won't become much more ill. Maybe I will just become a cold body after I kill mysef. Fuck my life!
My family only consists of morons. This is why they thought domestic violence would help my development. But this is not the topic. As a child I watched with my mom reality TV, soaps, trash TV etc. In school people bullied me for that. Further teachers never saw any potential in my skills. They criticized me for my poor language skills the most.
With 15 something changed in my brain chemistry. There happened a traumatic bullying event when I became paranoid for the first time in my life. Roundabout one year later a manic-depressive episode started. I was not aware of that. But I started to study like an idiot. Moreover my cognitive skills improved and I became sharper. However this was also the time when my suicidality began. I started to self-loath me etc.
After my first breakdown I had major depression. But I switched to another manic episode afterwards. The rat race started once again. After my second psychosis I became way more aware about my situation. Since then I realized I will probably have to kill myself eventually. I tried so many different attempts to recover. But I think I have some problems which are just unsolvable for me. I did not take my antipsychotic medication for more than a year and turned extremely weird and awkward because of that. But I also was almost every day alone. My self-esteem was non-existent.
After a while my depression went away after an extremely agonizing mixed episode. I trained my social skills again and to keep eye contact. My therapist helped me a lot to regain my sanity.
During all these years I educated myself with different things. I watched a lot of youtube also some lectures. I learned about literature, philosophy and politics. I think especially my consumption of politics shows my development. As a teenager I read the yellow press which my parents read. This sort of politicized me. Then I started to read more high-quality newspapers. Though only the free versions where i had to grind etc. Complicated story. Some years ago I bought my first newspaper subscription and the articles are so much better than in the free version. I spent time with this very impressive STEM professor in a clinic. This fueled me to educate myself further. My friends say maybe this meeting was counterproductive for me because I am so obsessed about it. I think there are some pro and cons about it. However I started to read more scientifical articles and I have to say I enjoy them way more than usual media articles. Some of them are very hard to read. But there are also ones with an interesting writing. So maybe I did not become smarter just the sources for my education became better.
In college some people are impressed by my knowledge. Most of it is fake they don't know I am studying part-time. Though when I make a comparison how my perception changed within the years it is insane. My German teachers in primary school were so concerned about me. It is pretty stunning contrast.
I think in the past they underestimated me. Meanwhile they are overestimating me.
Now to the I become more ill part. I still struggle with anxiety and overthinking to a shocking extent. Sometimes people in college notice that something is wrong with me. I hate that. Some kind of consider me a crazy genius though I should not think too much about that. My brain overestimates the importante of myself in the minds of others. When i was manic I was very charismatic and self-confident also women liked that. But iIwas too obsessed by studying to find a partner.
My therapists called my current mental state an episode without major depressive or manic symptoms. Still I am so fucking fragile and I struggle every single day. I think my bipolar brain is not made for maintaining this condition forever. It is extremely difficult to hold the balance. I read such a state on average maintains 3 years. I am now in that state for 2,5 years. I will kill myself after the next breakdown. In order to have any chance to survive this condition has to hold for like a decade. Lol. Which is very unlikely. I swear without the addictive medication I would have relapsed years ago. Sometimes I am so shaky. My anxiety is insane. I am taking like 5 medication to sleep better and to reduce my anxiety. Still both is often awful and especially my anxiety knows no limit. My sleep and my anxiety is interconnected. To be honest I think it is a miracle I made it so far in college. For the fact that I am such a wreck it is pretty good how I manage it. But I am very sure that the degree is worthless. I cannot hold a job. My brain is not trained for that. I was abused in order to write good grades. Sorry mom you ruined it.
I try to postpone that hell breaks lose as long as possible. Yesterday I took a benzo and a sleeping pill and the day today was pretty good due to that. Though I am very scared about addiction. I am not sure whether I should take a sleeping pill this night. Fuck my life. I hope I won't become much more ill. Maybe I will just become a cold body after I kill mysef. Fuck my life!
