When doing your best is not enough what can you even do?

[annxietty]

Im doing this course that helps people find a job, Im only 3 days in but the teacher is amazing and I was blown away at how good she was, mind you, thanks to her the past three days I was excited to live, I dont even think I did think about suicide at all, which is amazing... She instantly knew how hard it was for me to be surrounded by people, she is so understanding and when she talks I feel she has a lot of things to teach me... but then I come home and my sister tells me that my teacher is not right about things, and today I came talking about something my teacher told me to do and my sister couldnt resist laughing at how ridiculous she thinks it is... One thing my teacher said to me was that I always say yes to things even If I dont want to do them because Im afraid of making decisions and also because I want everyone to like me, she had only met me for 30 mins and she caught all that... Im not seeing a psychologist regularly but that moment (even if it was in front of 26 persons lol) it felt like a psychologist session... Well, today I had an argument with my sister, her husband had to but into the argument to (of course) say things against me, saying all the things I do wrong, making me feel alone, why does this happen so often? why no one sides with me in any argument? am I ALWAYS incorrect? omg I hate myself so fucking much, I went to my room with many things I wanted to tell my sister but wasnt able to say out loud, started writing in the journal my psychologist told me to keep, and half way I coudlnt take it anymore, I broke a pen, started crying, and I cut myself, deeper than I ever did before, but only 7 cuts... Im broken and there is no repair, only temporary happiness that people take away from you, I want to die or go far away, fuck family even if they help me, fuck making friends, fuck everything... Im trying my fucking best, taking a bus which terrifies me, going to class which terrifies me, making decisions which fucking terrifies me... and people... I dont know, I apologize for my language but Im feeling so numb but so angry and so sad, tomorrow we are going outside to see the snow, I dont want to go because today was so shitty, also I tried some pants for the snow my sister has and I cant use them because Im too fucking fat omg thats what I needed today, remind me Im fat, that my ass is huge... and she got angry, bitch the fuck you want me to do in a day, Im already planning to lose weight or die, because I definetly dont want to keep being fat, it makes me hate myself even more... but Im trying please dont say Im not... I really am... even if life is horrible, even if there is a challenge after you complete another challenge, suffering after suffering then a moment of happiness and then you lose that moment and you fall deeper... my arm hurts and I like it, my scars I like them... me, I hate me
Im trying

 

[Dingusguy]

I feel bad for you, no one should have to feel bad because someone else belittles them for the effort they make in trying to better themselves.
I think you should go and see the snow tomorrow. Fuck what other people think, everyone takes their own time and their own steps forward to better themselves, if someone else thinks it's stupid or pointless, fuck em. You do what you think is right, and if it makes you happier and if you feel it was right, you should keep doing it.
Mental health is a bitch, and so is weight loss.
I sincerely hope you keep pushing to better yourself.

 

[casual_existence]

The fact that you're even doing the course is something worth celebrating. Feel proud for taking steps towards getting a job. Stick to that lady as much as possible but not too much. People like her are not easy to find. Hopefully soon you will also move out.

 

[Abyssal]

Your sister and her husband sound like they gang up on you. Let me guess, this isnt the first time theyve done that? My step father is a similar breed of asshole.

If life were as easy as recognizing someone is a jerk and being unbothered I wouldn't be here, but I think it's clear to anyone who is reading this that they are being jerks. Your teacher on the other hand sounds amazing. I'm glad you found someone who is so helpful and brings you hope.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe this sounds cruel but I think you start needing to be selective about what you tell your sister. It's not saying she or her husband are horrible people but- they're clearly not helping you. Quite often now in conversations with family and friends, I will play down how worried I am because, they can't seem to help but pile judgement on, plus give me a whole bunch of solutions that I've usually already tried. It's easier just to say- things aren't too good workwise at the moment but, I'm waiting to hear on things- which is true. People will sometimes leave you alone if you sound like you have things under control (even if you don't!)

As to the psychiatry/ therapy side of things- this lady sounds wonderful. I've been lucky enough to have known one or two people like that too. They are incredibly insightful and incredibly validating and they help so much.

The thing is though- any observation of your character may well reflect on minor or major faults in your upbringing and, those you were around- including your sister! So- to some degree, they probably don't want these things pointed out by a stranger- they don't enjoy being judged either. Not to say this lady was judging your family or upbringing but- these insecurities and people pleasing tactics start somewhere. Often, when we are growing up.

I'd said next to nothing (I felt) to a friend of my Mum's once and she picked up that my Dad was bored of hearing problems. Not to be mean but- he is. It's not that he doesn't love me- I know that. I think in some way it's because he wants to help but- can't and he obviously doesn't want me to be unhappy. But- I am and I can't exactly pretend not to be all the time. This lady said- 'That doesn't help you though.' It was very validating because I love my Dad, so feel bad about being sometimes disappointed. Because ultimately- I didn't choose to be born. I didn't choose this life. I don't think it's fair to have children and expect them to be strong and successful and entertaining! You kind of get what you're given in that regard. Some of us are going to struggle in life.

But yeah- if I were you, I'd make the absolute most of this lovely lady. I think it can often be strangers who pick up on things about us. Our families sometimes have some preconceived idea of who we are. I don't think you should hate your sister or cut her out of your life- if you still love her. Still- I think you need to be aware of this side of her and- if her husband is under the thumb (not saying he is but- lots of men seem to be,) then- him too. I'd say- if you can- try not to give her ammunition. You know now she's going to be funny over what this lady says- so, I'd avoid that in future.

She isn't going to be of any help there- clearly. She won't take it seriously and help you analyse your character- so- why involve her? It's sad, because you'd hope you could be honest with your family and they would be loving and supportive but sadly- not all people are like that. Do you have friends you could share this new stuff with? Really though- more than anything- this isn't something to hate yourself over. What have you done wrong at the end of the day? Shared an innocent comment made by someone interesting you met. It sounds like you shared something deeply personal and maybe a bit revelatory if you'd never seen these things in yourself before- or had them validated and- you weren't taken serously. Of course that's upsetting but- it's not your fault at all. It just sounds like your sister isn't a particularly sensitive person.

I hope you do get to enjoy the snow. I'm fat too by the way. I maybe care slightly less than I used to but, it's still a confidence crusher.