When does suicide become less of a plan and more of a personality trait?

[foreveralone]

Does anyone else feel disheartened by the fact that they've been suicidal and wanting to CTB for years, but overcoming SI is just too much.

At this point it feels like suicide is just a part of my personality and not something I'll be able to execute despite wanting the courage to CTB so much.

 

[Smart No More]

I don't think it's a personality trait unless it's a result of things that inform personality. For example, if you work at a factory for 10 years it doesn't become part of your peronality. Similarly if you have a long drawn out cancer (or any ilness) it's not your personality. It may impact your personality but it isn't you/your personality. It's an affliction.

Now, if you're a suicide romantic. Then it's part of your personality. It's something you desire. Not because you're sick or circumstances make life too hard but because you like the notion.

 

[jupiterwinds]

I'm chronically suicidal due to untreated, neglected pain and illness (also the mental health stuff that comes with that). It feels like part of my personality. I'm very realistic, blunt, and don't take anything for granted. Have been like that since I was a kid. I've talked about it so much over the years no one even takes me seriously anymore. I stopped talking about it when I became serious. Now I'm more careful.

I can also relate to not overcoming the self-preservational urge. And for me even more so the urge to not end up even worse than I am now by doing it wrong or being hospitalized against my will.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand how you feel. In my case I have never wanted to live and I have been suicidal for such a long time yet I am still here as it is so difficult to leave. The fear of failing the method and limited access to methods in general is what holds me back from attempting so instead I just endure life trying to pass the time, but always wishing that I was gone.

I'm not sure that I would personally describe wanting to die as being a personality trait, suicide is just the right thing for me and it is what I want rather than what I am. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I know that it is dreadful not wanting to be here, yet feeling like you are unable to leave. Existing really is so depressing.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

suicide romantic

I think I may have been this for years - I've definitely been a tragedy romantic. The idea of a wasted life is horrifying to me, but also fascinating

 

[Smart No More]

I think I may have been this for years - I've definitely been a tragedy romantic. The idea of a wasted life is horrifying to me, but also fascinating

I think there's an element of that in many people. Look at the dramas and films we consume. Subject matter of various music. I think for some it's catharsis. For others it's the desire to be more interesting than they think they are.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

I think there's an element of that in many people. Look at the dramas and films we consume. Subject matter of various music. I think for some it's catharsis. For others it's the desire to be more interesting than they think they are

I think for me it's been like a dare, like how you might dare yourself to stand a bit closer to the edge of a cliff - I kept daring myself to waste more and more of my life, keep going until I can't bare it any more, and then go into a mad panic trying to fix it before it's too late, but it was already too late, and now I regret it like hell - romanticized self destruction!

 

[Smart No More]

I think for me it's been like a dare, like how you might dare yourself to stand a bit closer to the edge of a cliff - I kept daring myself to waste more and more of my life, keep going until I can't bare it any more, and then go into a mad panic trying to fix it before it's too late, but it was already too late, and now I regret it like hell - romanticized self destruction!

I can relate to that. Flirting with the 'what if' or the 'I know I shouldn't'. I think it might be what makes people procrastinate rather than focus on the jobs they're expected to be doing. It's a kind of liberating feeling too because in that act you're the boss for want of a more apt expression. It's a kind of solitude where nobody knows you go. A guilty pleasure.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it can feel like a part of your personality when you have felt like it most of your life. I think the thoughts become so ingrained that they become your 'normal' baseline. I don't think I'd recognise myself if I didn't have these thoughts.

I think to an extent, we are defined by our thoughts. Certainly, we can choose to work on reframing our thoughts and all that but that requires constant effort and the will to change in the first place. If your go-to thought is: I could/should/want to kill myself on a regular basis- that's bound to influence your personality.

It's been 32 years for me having suicidal ideation. I've always felt like it was a few people who are still living that prevent me from actually doing it but if I'm honest, I don't know I'll ever have the courage to go ahead with it, so I can really relate to your post.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

I can relate to that. Flirting with the 'what if' or the 'I know I shouldn't'. I think it might be what makes people procrastinate rather than focus on the jobs they're expected to be doing. It's a kind of liberating feeling too because in that act you're the boss for want of a more apt expression. It's a kind of solitude where nobody knows you go. A guilty pleasure.

Yeah, it's related to fear of failure too I think - I'll just waste more time and call it romanticizing a wasted life, when really it's procrastination because I'm afraid if I try to achieve my goals and fail, I'll have nothing left to cling on to - all hope is now gone - it's ridiculous really because it would be better to just go for it and find out, whilst you're young and have the energy to try, and then if you fail, you can then just waste your life away knowing that's all there is left to do, when you're getting older and you have less energy - I'm 40 now and developed chronic pain about 2 years ago, and it kills me not knowing what could've been - THAT'S the main thing I can't live with, the main source of my desire to CTB!

 

[obafgkm]

I think personality has some effect, in two ways.

1. Some people are more action type, always want to do something. If suicidal they will do it at once. Some are more theoretical, with many ideas but rarely actually achieve something. Even suicidal they may still drag on for a long time.

2. Some people are more open-minded/ optimistic, want to try a few different things for solution first. Some people are more neurotic/ pessimistic, always think no no no, that's it. These people are more likely to take suicide as the solution.

 

[Life_and_Death]

bpd is a personality disorder. bpd comes with chronic suicidal ideation. i guess that means, for me anyway, being suicidal has always been a personality trait

 

[Smart No More]

Yeah, it's related to fear of failure too I think - I'll just waste more time and call it romanticizing a wasted life, when really it's procrastination because I'm afraid if I try to achieve my goals and fail, I'll have nothing left to cling on to - all hope is now gone - it's ridiculous really because it would be better to just go for it and find out, whilst you're young and have the energy to try, and then if you fail, you can then just waste your life away knowing that's all there is left to do, when you're getting older and you have less energy - I'm 40 now and developed chronic pain about 2 years ago, and it kills me not knowing what could've been - THAT'S the main thing I can't live with, the main source of my desire to CTB!

Yeah, I'm angry and sad about my wasted potential too. In my case due to health. Even if I had my mind/cognitive skills back I'd be happy. I can live with the physical stuff, horrid as it is. Sounds like we have some stuff in common.

I think it's always worth considering a change in your goals. A reassessment based on your current limitations. Ut I've always found it relatively easy to settle. Not really able to now though. I honestly didn't think things good get as bad as this. Particularly so abruptly. I suffered accidental poisoning and its really messed me up. What I previously considered super shit is now what I experience on a good day. I've always been good at making do but lucky to be gifted in a way that made it easy to adapt and I could learn things and put them into practive real quick so various disciplines were at my disposal. I found immense joy in that. Learning all the time. I took it for granted. Now I struggle to even play video games (which is an escape I always enjoyed) and my ability to paint a picture the way I used to is out of my grasp as I can't juggle all the stuff you need to (cognitively) so I'll never match my previous skill level or meet the potential I had. Going from gifted to inhibited is a very painful experience. I haven't really come to terms with it. It's my reason to ctb. Getting to the point though, I feel where you're coming from and as procrastination was a pass time I endulged in regularly I am sad to be unable to even enjoy that now. Pleasure I once new is far out of my remit. Not sure if things are equally dire for yourself but if you have your mind/cognition you still have something. Enjoying rotting for a few comfy years isn't all bad. I hope you are able to do so contently. Though I certainly don't mean to indicate your suffering is in anyway insignificant. Just highlighting the way things can always get worse I s'pose. And offering up a friendly (if a little self indulgent) "I get it :)"

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I know what you mean. It just becomes part of who you are…. This limbo state with 1 foot in the grave…

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

Yeah, I'm angry and sad about my wasted potential too. In my case due to health. Even if I had my mind/cognitive skills back I'd be happy. I can live with the physical stuff, horrid as it is. Sounds like we have some stuff in common.

I think it's always worth considering a change in your goals. A reassessment based on your current limitations. Ut I've always found it relatively easy to settle. Not really able to now though. I honestly didn't think things good get as bad as this. Particularly so abruptly. I suffered accidental poisoning and its really messed me up. What I previously considered super shit is now what I experience on a good day. I've always been good at making do but lucky to be gifted in a way that made it easy to adapt and I could learn things and put them into practive real quick so various disciplines were at my disposal. I found immense joy in that. Learning all the time. I took it for granted. Now I struggle to even play video games (which is an escape I always enjoyed) and my ability to paint a picture the way I used to is out of my grasp as I can't juggle all the stuff you need to (cognitively) so I'll never match my previous skill level or meet the potential I had. Going from gifted to inhibited is a very painful experience. I haven't really come to terms with it. It's my reason to ctb. Getting to the point though, I feel where you're coming from and as procrastination was a pass time I endulged in regularly I am sad to be unable to even enjoy that now. Pleasure I once new is far out of my remit. Not sure if things are equally dire for yourself but if you have your mind/cognition you still have something. Enjoying rotting for a few comfy years isn't all bad. I hope you are able to do so contently. Though I certainly don't mean to indicate your suffering is in anyway insignificant. Just highlighting the way things can always get worse I s'pose. And offering up a friendly (if a little self indulgent) "I get it :)"

I can't change my goals, as I only have, and only ever have, had one. Nothing else interests me. I can change how it gets achieved though, somewhat, which I am open to. But the chronic pain has to reduce, at least somewhat, for either route to the same goal to be possible.

 

[wszuq]

Does anyone else feel disheartened by the fact that they've been suicidal and wanting to CTB for years, but overcoming SI is just too much.

At this point it feels like suicide is just a part of my personality and not something I'll be able to execute despite wanting the courage to CTB so much.

When the people you interact with come to know that you are suicidal, without you dropping hints or explicitly telling them about your suicidal feelings.