SnarkyPuppy2002
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?
- Jun 17, 2023
- 14
The first time I thought "I want to die," I was in third grade and only 9 years old. Here I am, 12 years later. Stuck in a very odd place. I don't want to have a little pity party for myself and whine about how absolutely terrible my life has been but honestly, it kind of has. I'm a 21 year old female and I feel as though my world is absolutely crumbling around me. Throughout my life I have endured countless forms of verbal, emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse by family members, partners, and even strangers. I've been yelled & screamed at, cursed at, hit, punched, choked, thrown into walls and tables, dragged across floors by my hair, sexually assaulted/abused on numerous occasions, and so much more. I've lost a good chunk of my family and even watched my father pass away in a hospital bed when I was only 17 years old.
I've been in and out of therapy and on a wide variety of medications throughout most of my life. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar II, etc. I feel like I've tried everything known to man to solve my problems and try my best at a normal and healthy life. I've tried healthy things like therapy/meds and I've tried unhealthy things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. To reference a line from the film Mysterious Skin dir. Gregg Araki, I feel as though, where most people have a heart, I have an empty black hole. I've never felt truly loved by anyone in my life and I've only experienced true romantic love towards one man in my entire life and I'm terrified that he hates me or is going to abandon me.
These past 6 months have been particularly terrible. I discovered that a man I was seeing (NOT the one mentioned above) was using me to cheat on his long-term girlfriend, a different man attempted to rape me in the back of my car in a parking garage, I missed a ton of work due to my mental/physical health issues and haven't been getting paid as well because of it, I lost my car and had to get a more expensive one, both my mother and I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices almost every single day for the past 3 weeks, I'm terrified that my mother is going to die because of her health conditions, and I'm having a serious health crisis - I'm currently in the process of getting checked and tested to see if I have breast cancer. To top it all off, the man I'm head over heels in love with, knowing all of this, has been ghosting me for the past two weeks and won't respond to any of my texts, calls, etc.
I'm in an odd place, I definitely struggle with ideation but I don't currently have the urge to CTB. I think I'm mostly just keeping CTB as an option off to the side should things continue to worsen or at least not get any better. I'm just kind of tired and frustrated with life. Everything is so dark and dreary, I have little to no hope that things will get better. I want an escape, I want everything to pause, I want a break, I want the pain to stop. Sometimes I'm happy and hopeful but other times I'm seconds away from digging through my mother's closet and finding her pistol. I'm torn, I want a quick and easy death where I experience no pain, but I also cannot imagine the pain/horror/trauma that someone would have to deal with for the rest of their life should they find my mangled remains somewhere so I'm considering trying some kind of overdose or something. Part of me just wants to walk the city street at night in a skimpy outfit and hope someone will get the hint and off me themselves.
It hurts a lot. I feel like I'm dying, something inside me is rotting and I'm going through it almost completely alone. I feel selfish for wanting to end it all but I also feel selfish for staying and making my friends and family miserable. I want someone to hold me right now, but I also don't want anyone to ever even look at me again. I feel revolting and ugly, there's a disease rotting me from the inside out both literally and metaphorically.
I've been in and out of therapy and on a wide variety of medications throughout most of my life. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar II, etc. I feel like I've tried everything known to man to solve my problems and try my best at a normal and healthy life. I've tried healthy things like therapy/meds and I've tried unhealthy things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. To reference a line from the film Mysterious Skin dir. Gregg Araki, I feel as though, where most people have a heart, I have an empty black hole. I've never felt truly loved by anyone in my life and I've only experienced true romantic love towards one man in my entire life and I'm terrified that he hates me or is going to abandon me.
These past 6 months have been particularly terrible. I discovered that a man I was seeing (NOT the one mentioned above) was using me to cheat on his long-term girlfriend, a different man attempted to rape me in the back of my car in a parking garage, I missed a ton of work due to my mental/physical health issues and haven't been getting paid as well because of it, I lost my car and had to get a more expensive one, both my mother and I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices almost every single day for the past 3 weeks, I'm terrified that my mother is going to die because of her health conditions, and I'm having a serious health crisis - I'm currently in the process of getting checked and tested to see if I have breast cancer. To top it all off, the man I'm head over heels in love with, knowing all of this, has been ghosting me for the past two weeks and won't respond to any of my texts, calls, etc.
I'm in an odd place, I definitely struggle with ideation but I don't currently have the urge to CTB. I think I'm mostly just keeping CTB as an option off to the side should things continue to worsen or at least not get any better. I'm just kind of tired and frustrated with life. Everything is so dark and dreary, I have little to no hope that things will get better. I want an escape, I want everything to pause, I want a break, I want the pain to stop. Sometimes I'm happy and hopeful but other times I'm seconds away from digging through my mother's closet and finding her pistol. I'm torn, I want a quick and easy death where I experience no pain, but I also cannot imagine the pain/horror/trauma that someone would have to deal with for the rest of their life should they find my mangled remains somewhere so I'm considering trying some kind of overdose or something. Part of me just wants to walk the city street at night in a skimpy outfit and hope someone will get the hint and off me themselves.
It hurts a lot. I feel like I'm dying, something inside me is rotting and I'm going through it almost completely alone. I feel selfish for wanting to end it all but I also feel selfish for staying and making my friends and family miserable. I want someone to hold me right now, but I also don't want anyone to ever even look at me again. I feel revolting and ugly, there's a disease rotting me from the inside out both literally and metaphorically.
