Venting When does it fucking end?

[snowlance]

Fuck this shit. I'm living in my car and doing uber in the big city to make rent for last month and this month. I haven't been doing so well with finding fares until I found out about the cell parking lot and airport pickups. They make the most. I had a plan, and I know life likes to fuck me over any chance it gets so I prepared for everything. I was gonna sleep in the lot, wake up early, and start uber right away. I got zquil to help me sleep for plan b, pain meds in case I get a migraine, shaving stuff, some donut fritters to eat right away, anti-acid in case i got acid reflux, waters, energy drinks, I was ready. I was determined to make this work and hopefully return home tonight or tommorrow. I'm so fucking stupid. I said in sasu discord I'm 10 years old as a JOKE even said "on the inside" to reiterate, I feel like a kid that hasn't grown up yet. Either someone reported me or discord auto detects it (can someone confirm this?) because my account got disabled. I have a server on there with all my memories and femboy guides and self help and all this really important stuff to me. I can't fucking lose it. This was after i took the zquil and started getting super sleepy, and I ended up staying up longer to fix it, only now I have to play the waiting game and hope they respond. Whatever, I go to sleep and wake up too early to the lawn mowers outside, can't go back to sleep, only got 3 hours of sleep. Whatever fine, I'll take some energy, take mini naps today, ill manage. Ate something, took my meds, didn't drink energy drink, and I started feeling nauseous so I took some tums anti acid and go back to the lot to wait for a fair. I take the fair and halfway there the nausea is really bad, I'm breathing heavily to keep it down. When I drop him off I'm leaning on my car breathing heavily and it's almost unbearable. I park next to a walgreens in one of those parking meters, and it was 5$ for an hour with quarters only. I had no quarters and I was only going in to grab anti nausea meds really fucking quick, like 2-3 min, maybe 5. I get back and have a fucking parking ticket already and I just fucking snapped got in my car slammed the door and broke down crying. Im already stuggling with money and getting on disability. Idk now I'm writing this out with an anxiety attack and thinking maybe I'm overreacting? Idk on top of coming out to my parents yesterday and not being able go get high and living in my car, i wanna go home so bad, its just too much. I want to keep living soooo fucking bad, I wanna see my friend, I wanna transition to a girl, I've given up all my dreams and just want to try to enjoy the rest of my life. But it feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try and struggle, life finds a way to fuck me over every single time. I just wanna be free from this. Why can't I just be free? I'm fucking done today, I dont care, I'm using the money i was supposed to spend on rent to buy weed and getting high all day. Fuck this. I'll start over tommorrow or something idk.

 

[Kempel556]

Im sorry that you are going trough this, I hope you can transition and have a good and happy life
I wish you all the best

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Sounds like you have it really rough I am sorry to hear that and definitely not fair that you got that parking ticket and didn´t make it better you already have financial problems.

 

[Foreverix]

It ends either when life ends you, or you recede from living.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather have the last laugh than let life rip that away from me.

 

[kilowatt]

Sorry you have to go through this. It's definitely not an easy situation, and your health looks like it's making it worse. Is there any way you could get insurance for long enough to get checked out by a doctor once or twice? If it covers the meds too you have a good chance of improving, as nausea and your other states slow you down and really get in your way. Or if you started a gofundme maybe me and a few other people would be able to help. The weed situation is a delicate one and I'm not here to tell you what to do because I'm certain you're already aware, but it's a self control thing, giving in your cravings only feeds the addiction.
Sorry I can't personally do much to help, I really do hope things will go your way soon and whatever you choose to do I hope it's gonna be the right choice for you. Take care, also I hope your transition will go smoothly sooner or later.

 

[兎の耳]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This is really rough what you have to go through. Sometimes it's as if there's a curse and everything goes wrong and there's no luck in life regardless what one is trying to do. I'm sorry I can't help much but I send you a big virtual *HUG*

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you have to go through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence, but anyway best wishes.

 

[snowlance]

Sorry you have to go through this. It's definitely not an easy situation, and your health looks like it's making it worse. Is there any way you could get insurance for long enough to get checked out by a doctor once or twice? If it covers the meds too you have a good chance of improving, as nausea and your other states slow you down and really get in your way. Or if you started a gofundme maybe me and a few other people would be able to help. The weed situation is a delicate one and I'm not here to tell you what to do because I'm certain you're already aware, but it's a self control thing, giving in your cravings only feeds the addiction.
Sorry I can't personally do much to help, I really do hope things will go your way soon and whatever you choose to do I hope it's gonna be the right choice for you. Take care, also I hope your transition will go smoothly sooner or later.

I have health insurance from the state for free, and have doctors I'm working with but they don't seem to know what they're doing and my therapist just let's me vent and doesn't give me any advice or copies skills or anything. I've been missing every other appointment too cuz im horrible with time management and remembering things. I've kinda given up on seeking help anymore, feels like I tried almost everything. I know about weed, I have a huge dependency on it because it completely erases my anxiety and gives me an escape. Unless things get better, I don't think I can stop.

 

[sash]

I'm so sorry life keeps kicking you when you're down. I wish you peace.