FIrst of all, I advice against lying to a therapist in general. However, my situation is objectively very bad with barely any hope. Two therapists gave me up thinking I am a hopeless case who is going to commit suicide. I tried 3 psychotherapies, over 25 medication, six clinic stays.
The first time I was in a psychiatry was after my first psychosis I was scared to open up about the abuse I endured. Noone explicitly asked me which was a big mistake I think. But I never lied. At the first day clinic I also was 100% transparent. However, one year later my second psychosis erupted and I understood that my illness is cyclic. I understood that this is my death sentence. Interestingly I am and was more or less 100% convinced that I am going to commit suicide eventually. And this seems to be a pathological thought. Might even a delusional thought. This deterministic stance on my suicide. It is something an intellectual i met pointed out. I am way too certain about my predictions. At the same time there are many predictors that I am going to commit suicide. This is also why my therapists gave me up. There are many very rational and good reasons that make it likely that I am going to commit suicide eventually. After my psychosis I read statistics how often someone with bipolar relpases. I had extreme pain after my psychoses. And I plan to commit suicide when the next one happens. Statistics show that many many relapses are highly likely. I am unable to cope with this extreme hellish torture (even one more time). I had extreme psychosomatic pain in my legs after the crashs. It felt like getting torn apart. I plan to commit suicide when that shit comes back. And many therapists told me there will come a time when major depression returns well that's simply the nature of bipolar disorders. I find this stunning. The intellectual was right I have a very deterministic stance on my future. I am very/completely convinced that I am going to commit suicide eventually. So much that it seems to be pathological. At the same time it is a rational assumption considering all the aspects of my suicidality. What could be an explanation? I think coincidence. This conclusion makes me wonder. It is fascinating for me. But also kind of sad. I could go on elaborating oneit. But this is not the topic of the thread.
After my realization that bipolar repeates in cycles I became very anxious. I wanted to avoid mania as good as possible. There developed a defense mechanism inside my mind and I am not sure whether that's a good thing. This still goes in the wrong direction. Maybe I should save this discussion for another thread.
When I understood that this pain comes back one day I knew I will have to commit suicide because the pain is unbearable. I started psychotherapy and when I was fully honest about the extent of my suicidality my therapist gave me up. She did not notice that to this point my desperation was partly influenced by depression and pessimistic thinking. I did not take antipsychotics to this time point and she did not notice that I was slightly paranoid. What a great therapists she is lecturer at college and has a PhD. After being given up I ended up in a mixed manic depressive episode and the pain was very extreme. But after some months the psychosomatic pain disappeared. All my therapists were surprised because we did not expect that. I hoped my story could have a happy end. This was a development I never expected.
I tried to work and immediately collapsed. But I recovered after stopping to work . Finances are one of my main reasons for my plan to commit suicide. I prepared to start college again. I was aware that I am very unstable and cannot stomach much stress. This was the last straw. I started my third therapy. I was fully honest except for one thing. I knew if I relapse and develop another psychosis this extreme pain will return. And well I wanted to commit suicide if that happens. This made me pretty anxious at the start of college. I was very scared to fail and relapse. We were a good team me and that therapist. But I did not tell him that I plan to commit suicide after my next psychosis. If the pain returns I won't negotiate my decision. Especially because my life prospects are horrible. I was able to stomach the first two semesters. (I only study part-time.) Then the therapy ended. He was really optimistic about my future. But I was aware that I am a time bomb because my next relapse is just a matter of time. The third semester was very difficult. I only study part-time but I am even too ill and unstable for that. I had to take my emergency medication more often z-medication (addictive sleeping pills) and benzos. It was very close and I almost developed a psychosis. My therapists were stunned how well I managed it. But honestly it was hell. I always knew if I break the pain returns and when the pain returns I am going to commit suicide. Things really started to crumble. I had a crush on a trans woman and tried to approach her. When I approach women I often turn paranoid and I sort of embarrassed myself. This incident haunted me the next semester.
During vacation I tried to decrease the tolerance of the addictive medication but it was not enough time. The big issue of the fourth semester was once per week college started at 8 a.m. I had to wake up once per week at 6 a.m. And this literally broke me. This is the extent of my illness. I am unable to wake up at 6 a.m. once per week without collapsing. I am bipolar sleep rhythm is extremely important. I turned pretty paranoid during that semester. I had to increase the frequency of taking the benzos. However, even during that semester withdrawal symptoms occured. It was torture. It was nightmarish. I am lost for words. Benzo withdrawal is almost as severe as heroin withdrawal. My anxiety was extreme and it triggered me so fucking hard to make an ass out of myself in front of the trans woman. It was hell on earth. Moreover, I despised the subject I had to study. Statistics made me so so fucking depressed. I don't know how I stomached all of that but I did. During the statistics exam I more or less collapsed. It was way more than a nervous breakdown. Not even the benzos helped. And my crush even witnessed that and thought of me once again that I am just insane. It was so humiliating. Still I passed the exam. During vacation I was on a withdrawal. All alone at home. No substitution. My psychiatrist did not believe I had withdrawal symptoms. Tbh this was such a stupid assumption. I should have received something to lessen the pain. I read The Pale King of David Foster Wallace that vacation it comforted me.
The fifth semester started. The withdrawal symptoms got less after months of torture. The inner pain was very extreme. I was extremely lonely and I always turned paranoid when I approached women. I met an extremely attractive woman (who knows whether she was interested probably not) we had a great conversation then I turned paranoid and ruined it. The pain was insane. Since I am taking anitpsychotics I barely can cry. But I after this incident I often broke down in tears very strongly and without control. I increased the dosage of my antipsychotics. I felt more numb and I was so fucking thankful for feeling more numb. The inner pain was almost unbearable. I am often extremely agitated and college in general triggers the shit out of me. I don't know how but I also survived that semester. I had to do a very long paper during vacation. I barely had a break to recover. I became once again paranoid about a woman in my self-help group. It was the one more (of many thousand) narcissistic injuries I had to endure). Finally I became acute suicidal. I ordered SN. After all this insane torture. And the funny thing is. The really most fucking funny thing is. This is the good time period in my bipolar disorder. There will come again bad times. And major depression will return. And the extreme psychosomatic pain also. And I am not able to work and poverty will be my prison.
So I ordered the SN in April 2024. I considered to take it immediately. My friends pressured me not to do it. They wanted me to go to another day clinic. My sixth clinic stay. The staff was shocked about my condition. My sleep was horrible, my blood pressure too low, my pulse astronomically high, agitated, barely able to eat properly, malnutritioned, suicidal. After all of this well I was not transparent about my suicidality. I told them I was acute suicidal. prior to the clinic stay. I emphasized but now not more. And it was true most of the time I was not acute suicidal. On some days I was acute suicidal but I was not transparent in front of them. There were many positive things in that clinic. But it would have been way better if they had given me half of the amount my healthy insurance paid for this stay and I remained at home. I assume they paid like 10k. I live in Germany.
I am unable to stomach another rock bottom. And honestly all rational considerations in my case point to the fact that it won't get better. My parents retire soon. My whole family is scared about it. I think I might would have already taken the SN: But my mom had two strokes and I am scared to kill her in case I attempt. My biggest fear is she dies and I survive. In the clinic they knew I am well aware of my situation and I think they were scared about it. I was open that I consider to kill myself in October when college re-starts. I repeated that quite some times. However, at the last day I acted like I feel way better and I am so thankful for the clinic stay. I am optimistic about my future. It was such a fucking obvious lie. I was scared they would not welcome me back if I tell them nothing changed and I am still suicidal and desperate as fuck. The clinic stay helped like 10-20%. I am thankful for that. But it certainly was not worth 10 k.
The doctor (my therapist) who was unempathetic as fuck fully bought it. He wrote in the report after discussion about his future prospects the patient became more realistic about his future prospects. Lmao. He wanted to convince me welfare is not as bad as it seems. Well I plan to kill myself if I am on welfare. I cannot cope with that low amount of money. I am not used to it. Never was. I simulated poverty it is hell on earth. No I don't want to endure that. He also wrote my personality traits make my think so negative of my future. He even wrote in the report that he had to ask my mom whether my concerns about our finances are real. And well yes she fully agreed on it. Like WTF!
I was discharged last Wednesday. I try to stay away of planning suicide for a while. But I consider to do it in October. For my self-help group I am at college once per week. And it makes me cry. The notion going back to college makes me cry very hard (and very suicidal). But I also don't want to quit it and end up as a loser. It is a dilemma I might answer with suicide. I don't want to wait till poverty hits. I had hope for hypnosis. But I learned it can be damaging for psychosis patients. This was my last hope how to cope with the stress at college. I am so desperate. I met a borderline woman in that clinic and we text extremely much and intensive. This will end pretty pretty badly: She will probably ghost me when I am extremely dependent on her. The last time I had an argument with a borderline woman who I was dependent on was 2015. One of my relatives died after witnessing the argument and a new manic episode started. Well I am fucked. I am extremely fucked. I am scared to kill my mom if she has another stroke.
To be honest I think the only thing that can save me is Sanctioned Suicide. And I mean this seriously. I start to become very dependent on that borderline woman. Our bond becomes very strong. No other relationship could substitute that. I try dating apps to find a girlfriend. I hope maybe with someone from there I could have another close bond. So that the pain when she ghosts me is less. The thing is. Literally everyone would be overburdened with my neediness when she ghosts me. The pain will be unbearable. My solution: sorrow solution (who gets this reference?) SaSu has no time limit. I can talk as much as I want. (this thread proves it) And people are still listening to me. I think this is my only chance to survive when that borderline woman ghosts me. My life is so fucking fucked up, It is insane. I will cry out in the whole forum how much I miss her and all of that. How unbearable the pain will be to lose her. I never thought I would be as desperate enough to become co-dependent again. I still hope she can handle borderline better than the first borderline woman I texted with. However, she also hinted she likes to ghost people. And does this quite frequently. I am so scared.
Tomorrow I am invited to a friend's party. He made a second birthday party only for me because I could not come to his first because I was in a clinic. Honestly, my friends are one of my main reasons of not havinbg ctb so far.
Yes I am lying to my therapists. This is unbearable. My life is a living nightmare. This post is one example how much I benefit that there is no limit of space and time on SaSu. I have an extremely high need to express myself under pressure and pain. And well I am always in severe pain. Thanks for reading it. Will anyone read the whole thing?
The first time I was in a psychiatry was after my first psychosis I was scared to open up about the abuse I endured. Noone explicitly asked me which was a big mistake I think. But I never lied. At the first day clinic I also was 100% transparent. However, one year later my second psychosis erupted and I understood that my illness is cyclic. I understood that this is my death sentence. Interestingly I am and was more or less 100% convinced that I am going to commit suicide eventually. And this seems to be a pathological thought. Might even a delusional thought. This deterministic stance on my suicide. It is something an intellectual i met pointed out. I am way too certain about my predictions. At the same time there are many predictors that I am going to commit suicide. This is also why my therapists gave me up. There are many very rational and good reasons that make it likely that I am going to commit suicide eventually. After my psychosis I read statistics how often someone with bipolar relpases. I had extreme pain after my psychoses. And I plan to commit suicide when the next one happens. Statistics show that many many relapses are highly likely. I am unable to cope with this extreme hellish torture (even one more time). I had extreme psychosomatic pain in my legs after the crashs. It felt like getting torn apart. I plan to commit suicide when that shit comes back. And many therapists told me there will come a time when major depression returns well that's simply the nature of bipolar disorders. I find this stunning. The intellectual was right I have a very deterministic stance on my future. I am very/completely convinced that I am going to commit suicide eventually. So much that it seems to be pathological. At the same time it is a rational assumption considering all the aspects of my suicidality. What could be an explanation? I think coincidence. This conclusion makes me wonder. It is fascinating for me. But also kind of sad. I could go on elaborating oneit. But this is not the topic of the thread.
After my realization that bipolar repeates in cycles I became very anxious. I wanted to avoid mania as good as possible. There developed a defense mechanism inside my mind and I am not sure whether that's a good thing. This still goes in the wrong direction. Maybe I should save this discussion for another thread.
When I understood that this pain comes back one day I knew I will have to commit suicide because the pain is unbearable. I started psychotherapy and when I was fully honest about the extent of my suicidality my therapist gave me up. She did not notice that to this point my desperation was partly influenced by depression and pessimistic thinking. I did not take antipsychotics to this time point and she did not notice that I was slightly paranoid. What a great therapists she is lecturer at college and has a PhD. After being given up I ended up in a mixed manic depressive episode and the pain was very extreme. But after some months the psychosomatic pain disappeared. All my therapists were surprised because we did not expect that. I hoped my story could have a happy end. This was a development I never expected.
I tried to work and immediately collapsed. But I recovered after stopping to work . Finances are one of my main reasons for my plan to commit suicide. I prepared to start college again. I was aware that I am very unstable and cannot stomach much stress. This was the last straw. I started my third therapy. I was fully honest except for one thing. I knew if I relapse and develop another psychosis this extreme pain will return. And well I wanted to commit suicide if that happens. This made me pretty anxious at the start of college. I was very scared to fail and relapse. We were a good team me and that therapist. But I did not tell him that I plan to commit suicide after my next psychosis. If the pain returns I won't negotiate my decision. Especially because my life prospects are horrible. I was able to stomach the first two semesters. (I only study part-time.) Then the therapy ended. He was really optimistic about my future. But I was aware that I am a time bomb because my next relapse is just a matter of time. The third semester was very difficult. I only study part-time but I am even too ill and unstable for that. I had to take my emergency medication more often z-medication (addictive sleeping pills) and benzos. It was very close and I almost developed a psychosis. My therapists were stunned how well I managed it. But honestly it was hell. I always knew if I break the pain returns and when the pain returns I am going to commit suicide. Things really started to crumble. I had a crush on a trans woman and tried to approach her. When I approach women I often turn paranoid and I sort of embarrassed myself. This incident haunted me the next semester.
During vacation I tried to decrease the tolerance of the addictive medication but it was not enough time. The big issue of the fourth semester was once per week college started at 8 a.m. I had to wake up once per week at 6 a.m. And this literally broke me. This is the extent of my illness. I am unable to wake up at 6 a.m. once per week without collapsing. I am bipolar sleep rhythm is extremely important. I turned pretty paranoid during that semester. I had to increase the frequency of taking the benzos. However, even during that semester withdrawal symptoms occured. It was torture. It was nightmarish. I am lost for words. Benzo withdrawal is almost as severe as heroin withdrawal. My anxiety was extreme and it triggered me so fucking hard to make an ass out of myself in front of the trans woman. It was hell on earth. Moreover, I despised the subject I had to study. Statistics made me so so fucking depressed. I don't know how I stomached all of that but I did. During the statistics exam I more or less collapsed. It was way more than a nervous breakdown. Not even the benzos helped. And my crush even witnessed that and thought of me once again that I am just insane. It was so humiliating. Still I passed the exam. During vacation I was on a withdrawal. All alone at home. No substitution. My psychiatrist did not believe I had withdrawal symptoms. Tbh this was such a stupid assumption. I should have received something to lessen the pain. I read The Pale King of David Foster Wallace that vacation it comforted me.
The fifth semester started. The withdrawal symptoms got less after months of torture. The inner pain was very extreme. I was extremely lonely and I always turned paranoid when I approached women. I met an extremely attractive woman (who knows whether she was interested probably not) we had a great conversation then I turned paranoid and ruined it. The pain was insane. Since I am taking anitpsychotics I barely can cry. But I after this incident I often broke down in tears very strongly and without control. I increased the dosage of my antipsychotics. I felt more numb and I was so fucking thankful for feeling more numb. The inner pain was almost unbearable. I am often extremely agitated and college in general triggers the shit out of me. I don't know how but I also survived that semester. I had to do a very long paper during vacation. I barely had a break to recover. I became once again paranoid about a woman in my self-help group. It was the one more (of many thousand) narcissistic injuries I had to endure). Finally I became acute suicidal. I ordered SN. After all this insane torture. And the funny thing is. The really most fucking funny thing is. This is the good time period in my bipolar disorder. There will come again bad times. And major depression will return. And the extreme psychosomatic pain also. And I am not able to work and poverty will be my prison.
So I ordered the SN in April 2024. I considered to take it immediately. My friends pressured me not to do it. They wanted me to go to another day clinic. My sixth clinic stay. The staff was shocked about my condition. My sleep was horrible, my blood pressure too low, my pulse astronomically high, agitated, barely able to eat properly, malnutritioned, suicidal. After all of this well I was not transparent about my suicidality. I told them I was acute suicidal. prior to the clinic stay. I emphasized but now not more. And it was true most of the time I was not acute suicidal. On some days I was acute suicidal but I was not transparent in front of them. There were many positive things in that clinic. But it would have been way better if they had given me half of the amount my healthy insurance paid for this stay and I remained at home. I assume they paid like 10k. I live in Germany.
I am unable to stomach another rock bottom. And honestly all rational considerations in my case point to the fact that it won't get better. My parents retire soon. My whole family is scared about it. I think I might would have already taken the SN: But my mom had two strokes and I am scared to kill her in case I attempt. My biggest fear is she dies and I survive. In the clinic they knew I am well aware of my situation and I think they were scared about it. I was open that I consider to kill myself in October when college re-starts. I repeated that quite some times. However, at the last day I acted like I feel way better and I am so thankful for the clinic stay. I am optimistic about my future. It was such a fucking obvious lie. I was scared they would not welcome me back if I tell them nothing changed and I am still suicidal and desperate as fuck. The clinic stay helped like 10-20%. I am thankful for that. But it certainly was not worth 10 k.
The doctor (my therapist) who was unempathetic as fuck fully bought it. He wrote in the report after discussion about his future prospects the patient became more realistic about his future prospects. Lmao. He wanted to convince me welfare is not as bad as it seems. Well I plan to kill myself if I am on welfare. I cannot cope with that low amount of money. I am not used to it. Never was. I simulated poverty it is hell on earth. No I don't want to endure that. He also wrote my personality traits make my think so negative of my future. He even wrote in the report that he had to ask my mom whether my concerns about our finances are real. And well yes she fully agreed on it. Like WTF!
I was discharged last Wednesday. I try to stay away of planning suicide for a while. But I consider to do it in October. For my self-help group I am at college once per week. And it makes me cry. The notion going back to college makes me cry very hard (and very suicidal). But I also don't want to quit it and end up as a loser. It is a dilemma I might answer with suicide. I don't want to wait till poverty hits. I had hope for hypnosis. But I learned it can be damaging for psychosis patients. This was my last hope how to cope with the stress at college. I am so desperate. I met a borderline woman in that clinic and we text extremely much and intensive. This will end pretty pretty badly: She will probably ghost me when I am extremely dependent on her. The last time I had an argument with a borderline woman who I was dependent on was 2015. One of my relatives died after witnessing the argument and a new manic episode started. Well I am fucked. I am extremely fucked. I am scared to kill my mom if she has another stroke.
To be honest I think the only thing that can save me is Sanctioned Suicide. And I mean this seriously. I start to become very dependent on that borderline woman. Our bond becomes very strong. No other relationship could substitute that. I try dating apps to find a girlfriend. I hope maybe with someone from there I could have another close bond. So that the pain when she ghosts me is less. The thing is. Literally everyone would be overburdened with my neediness when she ghosts me. The pain will be unbearable. My solution: sorrow solution (who gets this reference?) SaSu has no time limit. I can talk as much as I want. (this thread proves it) And people are still listening to me. I think this is my only chance to survive when that borderline woman ghosts me. My life is so fucking fucked up, It is insane. I will cry out in the whole forum how much I miss her and all of that. How unbearable the pain will be to lose her. I never thought I would be as desperate enough to become co-dependent again. I still hope she can handle borderline better than the first borderline woman I texted with. However, she also hinted she likes to ghost people. And does this quite frequently. I am so scared.
Tomorrow I am invited to a friend's party. He made a second birthday party only for me because I could not come to his first because I was in a clinic. Honestly, my friends are one of my main reasons of not havinbg ctb so far.
Yes I am lying to my therapists. This is unbearable. My life is a living nightmare. This post is one example how much I benefit that there is no limit of space and time on SaSu. I have an extremely high need to express myself under pressure and pain. And well I am always in severe pain. Thanks for reading it. Will anyone read the whole thing?
