When did you realize there is no happy ending?

[eternalmelancholy]

When did you realize no one is coming to rescue you, that this is just the way life is? I've been engaged in a lengthy legal battle over medical bills. Recently the courts decided to rule against me. I am completely ruined financially. The timing is impeccable since my work contract ends in December and it looks like my employer is not going to renew it.

I think this is just the universe telling me it is time to finally let go. It is such a bitter realization knowing that I have completely squandered away the one chance you get at life. What an unceremonious end to a wretched life.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I was so delusional most of my life that something will come eventually and save me. I went through so many changes the last year that opened my eyes onto how much I been lying to myself just to keep me hopeful. Last 5 months were the last straw and I started being actively suicidal and I acquired a method finally. All I have to do is use it but thats another story

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never wanted to be alive, from a young age I have been suicidal. I think over time I have come to the conclusion that life is not for me. Nothing will ever make me want to live. I simply do not like existing and I want nothing to do with life. This will never change. I know the only thing for me is ctb. I cannot put up with this pointless, empty existence for decades.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I was so delusional most of my life that something will come eventually and save me. I went through so many changes the last year that opened my eyes onto how much I been lying to myself just to keep me hopeful. Last 5 months were the last straw and I started being actively suicidal and I acquired a method finally. All I have to do is use it but thats another story

I think this delusion for a miracle or savior is the SI kicking in. Your subconscious is clinging onto anything it can for hope. That is why religions were invented to deal with the dreadful realization that this is it. You get one shot at life and if you fuck up there are no do overs.

I have never felt such clarity before in my life. Which is ironic because it had to come at the tail end of my life. But I guess that is how it always is with hindsight.

 

[Circles]

Being an amateur historian and history being my favorite subject, all one has to do is read a history book and learn that most people's lives don't have a happy ending so what makes our lives any different? Just because we're more advanced doesn't mean life's unfairness is going to change. And even with all the advantages of modern life suffering and death still exists no matter what and existence still finds a way to fuck your life up.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I guess a few years ago. I came down with a chronic undiagnosed illness that keeps me close to home. It makes me lightheaded and off balance, exhausted, brain fogged. I can't work a lot. What little money I do get, I spend on silly things to pass the time and amuse myself because I don't feel in control of my own destiny anymore. I have a bad back now as of a couple of months which limits me even further. Also no job, no friends, no degree or work experience to speak of.

And I dunno, just getting older, and fatter, and losing my looks. Being invisible. Lots of medical debt. Not wanting kids or a future. Not being interesting to women anymore. No adventures or excitement. My lifelong depression and apathy towards everything. Knowing I'll have no pension. Nobody to look after me or help me, nobody to raise or live for. Being isolated and alone with my various symptoms. And just the whole picture coming together and knowing the future will only get worse - worse mental health, worse physical shape, worsening isolation and loneliness. I don't see the point of anything at all.

 

[deadverysoon]

31.05.2021

thats the day i died.

there is no happy ending ever.

i know i repeat myself but: its because i will never recieve what i would need to recover.

i will die and every person involved in destroying my life will pay. i was told thats life and everyone has to accept the consequenses and bla bla bla.

sometimes its too late and too much damage has been done.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I guess a few years ago. I came down with a chronic undiagnosed illness that keeps me close to home. It makes me lightheaded and off balance, exhausted, brain fogged. I can't work a lot. What little money I do get, I spend on silly things to pass the time and amuse myself because I don't feel in control of my own destiny anymore. I have a bad back now as of a couple of months which limits me even further. Also no job, no friends, no degree or work experience to speak of.

It is a sinking feeling watching your life spiral out of control while you standby and watch helplessly. When you realize this is it, this is your one and only shot at life, the feelings of shame and self loathing start to bury you in your own misery.

sometimes its too late and too much damage has been done.

Thank you. Why can't more people admit this glaring truth of life? People act like you can start over fresh at any age and for any reason. We all know this is not true. Some things can't be undone.

 

[Gl1tch3d G1rl]

Good question honestly. I guess never, coz to this day I still keep telling myself that things will get better, but even thought things are looking up for me, as I am finally getting the treatment I need, truth is, things could and possibly will go wrong again some day. I mean, I got so I'll at some point that I stabbed a woman in her arm, witch is what got me sentenced to hospitalization. There is no reason why it wouldn't happen again. I mean, I've even had multiple dreams about stabbing and torturing people lately. The way I see it, my suicide would save lot's of people from my dangerous mental issues.

So yeah, even though things are looking up for me, I have yet to see whether things rly will end well for me or not, if I even wanna know that is.

 

[UberYeets]

It's been bad for roughly 10 years and been snowballing for over 4. I've lost my self to my illnesses and the insomnia finished me off. I wish to spare others from the burden of my existence and the pain I could bring them by being alive. Both mental and physical issues at the same time :/.

 

[noname223]

I am really sorry for you. My future unavoidable poverty is for me a big reason to ctb.
I realized it gonna end with suicide 3,5 years ago. After my second psychosis. I recognized that mania and severe depression is a cycle. I wanted to fight. But I collect more and more evidence that there is no happy end for me. I am pretty sure. After thissecond psychosis I have tried 3 times to recover again everything failed abysmally...

 

[WatermelonMel]

Pretty early on when I learned I'm "incompatible" with the world.

I've been engaged in a lengthy legal battle over medical bills. Recently the courts decided to rule against me. I am completely ruined financially.

I'm sorry, this same thing happened to a family member. They were getting the money they deserved over injuries from serving and had the rest of their life setup, and then out of the blue a legal battle started and now they can't pay for the new house anymore and they're retired. What an unimaginable way to live the last years of your life, financially screwed, when you did all the right things prior. Truly a good example of life being unfair.

 

[deflationary]

This year. I've always had an exceptionally pessimistic worldview overall but somehow I still had some irrational part of me that thought that things can't go all wrong and somehow the universe will arrange some happiness for me eventually. Dunno wtf I was thinking.

 

[Kennish]

Actually in my teens, when I think back. Already there I didn't like life. I have always felt uncomfortable in my body and clothes. And always had anxiety. I've just been surviving ever since.

But I'm at the final crossroad now. I don't see life getting better now. It is too fucked up, and I don't have the motivation to try to recover. I don't have the energy.

When you don't even feel comfortable in your own body and the clothes you wear, the road is long, very long. And filled with anxiety, depression and OCD. And loneliness. And shame. And I could go on.

It is not a question anymore if I do it, it's just a matter of when I do it and how. Preferably by N

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I was so delusional most of my life that something will come eventually and save me. I went through so many changes the last year that opened my eyes onto how much I been lying to myself just to keep me hopeful. Last 5 months were the last straw and I started being actively suicidal and I acquired a method finally. All I have to do is use it but thats another story

This is basically how my situation and life has gone, too. For literally decades I too was delusional and kept thinking something was going to change for the better (my health would stabilize or the stupid doctors would finally diagnose me and find a way to cure or manage my symptoms, that I'd be able to handle a job and I'd find a fulfilling, healthy, happy relationship, etc.) but that was just wishful/magical thinking. I was unrealistic and deluded. In the last 6 mos I reconnected with someone I'd wanted to reconnect with for OVER 30 YEARS, and he turned out to be a liar and didn't mean any of the shit he said to me. I'd been so happy when we'd finally reconnected. Discovering what a POS he is, and how once again someone had no qualms about tossing me aside at their whim woke me up, along with a few new health problems. I know now that NOTHING will ever get better for me in any way or aspect of my existence. Things are bad enough now but with age and poor health and no money and all my issues, it's only downhill from here and I can't bear the thought of going through X number of years more of this, and worse. Now I just need the guts to follow through with my method... I'm closer to being able to do that than ever before though, so at least there's that.

 

[RockBot]

This year. I've always had an exceptionally pessimistic worldview overall but somehow I still had some irrational part of me that thought that things can't go all wrong and somehow the universe will arrange some happiness for me eventually. Dunno wtf I was thinking.

This is genuinely funny.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

This is basically how my situation and life has gone, too. For literally decades I too was delusional and kept thinking something was going to change for the better (my health would stabilize or the stupid doctors would finally diagnose me and find a way to cure or manage my symptoms, that I'd be able to handle a job and I'd find a fulfilling, healthy, happy relationship, etc.) but that was just wishful/magical thinking. I was unrealistic and deluded.

Man this post resonated with me on so many levels. From the health problems, financial woes and lack of meaningful relationships.

Things are bad enough now but with age and poor health and no money and all my issues, it's only downhill from here and I can't bear the thought of going through X number of years more of this, and worse. Now I just need the guts to follow through with my method... I'm closer to being able to do that than ever before though, so at least there's that.

I am at this point now as well. Came to the realization that this is my lot in life. No amount of coping or lies can cut through the truth anymore. I, too, see my future ahead and it looks bleak. Like being stuck on a sinking ship but unable to jump overboard. This is no way to live. I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone.

 

[existtosuffer]

The early signs started as a child when I asked my Dad why we died, and he couldn't explain why.

Then there was the realisation that every adult who claims to love their children, lie to them about Christmas.

So yeah. Growing up I learnt that people don't understand life, and will lie to you, to make you feel happy.

The point of no return happened this year after being involuntary hospitalised in a psych ward for the 3rd time.

I just feel I'd be better off ending it now rather than cling onto decades of suffering. I've never experienced joy or pleasure with things that are supposed to give me joy or pleasure.

It's always just "Is that it?"

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I just feel I'd be better off ending it now rather than cling onto decades of suffering. I've never experienced joy or pleasure with things that are supposed to give me joy or pleasure.

It's always just "Is that it?"

That's the problem with being on the hedonic treadmill called life. No amount of pleasures end up living up to the hype, at least not for long. In the meanwhile you have to wad through seemingly endless amount of pain and suffering in between these short lived moments.

It's been over a decade since I first had suicidal urges. Nothing has changed. In fact things have spiraled out of control while I just stoodby watching. The fact that there are so many people aged 50+ on here who have been suicidal all their lives points to the conclusion that suicidal thoughts never fully go away.

Once you realize suicide is an option there is no turning back.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

The mid-teen years. I witnessed people of different age groups - both my own and a lot older - being mistreated. I saw the "haves" and "have nots" as they say in some countries. I was told by adults at the time that it gets better, but underneath I really doubted that, because I knew of individuals in their 20's to early 30's seriously unhappy for various reasons. Now I am an adult myself, and I have become one of those unhappy adults. When I was younger I had the thought in the back of my mind that I would turn into this; fast forward 15 years and here I am.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I was told by adults at the time that it gets better, but underneath I really doubted that, because I knew of individuals in their 20's to early 30's seriously unhappy for various reasons. Now I am an adult myself, and I have become one of those unhappy adults. When I was younger I had the thought in the back of my mind that I would turn into this; fast forward 15 years and here I am.

I never felt more understood than when reading posts like this. If you try to talk to people in real life about this sort of stuff they just tune you out and tell you condescending and empty platitudes.

Life getting better as you get older is the biggest lie people tell. Maybe they deep down they want to believe their own lies, that is why it is repeated ad nauseam. I have found no evidence to suggest that life does indeed get better eventually.

If anything life has a way of piling on more garbage before you had a chance of dealing with whatever is on your plate.

 

[Mukey]

I always thought life would be on my side. I remember being a kid and living carefree and thinking life had meaning and purpose and thought no way something bad could happen to me. I thought my 30s were going to be the best years of my life and things were looking up, had much motivation and thought I finally found my footing in life. Nothing will ever be the same again and all I can do is cope with that everyone eventually dies anyway. Nearing the end will be the most unrewarding and regretful thing I'll have to face.

 

[chocolatebar]

I never expected a happy ending. I just expected to live something good in the meanwhile, but it seems like it won't happen...

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

I never expected a happy ending. I just expected to live something good in the meanwhile, but it seems like it won't happen...

Same here...

 

[Passersby]

Hi EternalMelancholy! Yeah I know what you mean and can relate all to a tee. I also realized years ago that there is no second chance and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make everything all good. Just have to do the best you can and hope that your suffering doesn't get too big with no hope or failed treatments. Everyone will experience suffering to a certain degree but most wont even come close to the suffering of SS users have been through and or lose there whole life with no hope.

Those people that talk all big and say how much life is worth living and that it always gets better like others have put it isn't always the case and I'm so sick of hearing it. They are Toxic Positivity and I would avoid them at all costs. Only each individual knows there situation, who they are, and if it can be improved enough to be fixed ideally, or repaired to a degree to keep on living. Yes I agree once you see CTB as an official treatment and go down the road I dont think it ever goes away either. Maybe some wont go through with it but it still will be with them until they died of natural causes therefore taking the problems and CTB thought to the grave.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Man this post resonated with me on so many levels. From the health problems, financial woes and lack of meaningful relationships.




I am at this point now as well. Came to the realization that this is my lot in life. No amount of coping or lies can cut through the truth anymore. I, too, see my future ahead and it looks bleak. Like being stuck on a sinking ship but unable to jump overboard. This is no way to live. I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone.

I'm so sorry you can relate. :( Your analogy about being stuck on a sinking ship but unable to jump overboard is perfect (unfortunately). I also feel like a train is barreling towards me but I can't jump out of the way, or I'm trying to make a huge sand pile with dry sand but the pile just keeps falling and falling and falling apart no matter how hard I try to keep it together... And you're right too about no amount of coping or lies can cover up the truth anymore. After awhile, it exhausts you and you just have to admit what reality is. Again, I'm so sorry you're in this kind of situation. It's so horrible.

 

[Seiba]

At eleven things were decently bad, twelve and thirteen had their issues but there was a new indulgence to being homeschooled and being able to be on the internet all day. At fourteen I started to realize things were getting worse and time was ticking. At sixteen had my first attempt to try to avoid emotional pain and because of related homeschooling related problems and lack of enjoyment. Went right back to wanting to be dead three days later. Not sure I ever expected a happy ending, but it took a while to reach the conclusion that leaving was what would be needed.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes I agree once you see CTB as an official treatment and go down the road I dont think it ever goes away either. Maybe some wont go through with it but it still will be with them until they died of natural causes therefore taking the problems and CTB thought to the grave.

It is such a bleak realization that suicidal thoughts will stay with you until you die. But I think it is true. Once I saw suicide as a real option I could never go back and undo that. The intensity and urge comes and goes in waves but the suicidal thoughts never fully go away.

At eleven things were decently bad, twelve and thirteen had their issues but there was a new indulgence to being homeschooled and being able to be on the internet all day. At fourteen I started to realize things were getting worse and time was ticking. At sixteen had my first attempt to try to avoid emotional pain and because of related homeschooling related problems and lack of enjoyment. Went right back to wanting to be dead three days later. Not sure I ever expected a happy ending, but it took a while to reach the conclusion that leaving was what would be needed.

Man I was homeschooled too. It turned me into a real freak. I did not even receive a proper education. My parents just left me home alone all day for years on end. Back then our family was so poor we did not even own a TV. I would just listen to the radio or read random books all day. My fate was sealed from childhood. I can see it now. Dying of suicide was just meant to be.

 

[Seiba]

It is such a bleak realization that suicidal thoughts will stay with you until you die. But I think it is true. Once I saw suicide as a real option I could never go back and undo that. The intensity and urge comes and goes in waves but the suicidal thoughts never fully go away.




Man I was homeschooled too. It turned me into a real freak. I did not even receive a proper education. My parents just left me home alone all day for years on end. Back then our family was so poor we did not even own a TV. I would just listen to the radio or read random books all day. My fate was sealed from childhood. I can see it now. Dying of suicide was just meant to be.

My education was neglected as well, which is part of what I was referring to with homeschool related issues. I have no real education at all and now I'm in my twenties never had worked and trying to sell plasma so I can eventually get a method. Sorry to hear about you being homeschooled as well, it's rare to see another person like this. I've seen it come up every now and then but it seems rare.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

My education was neglected as well, which is part of what I was referring to with homeschool related issues. I have no real education at all and now I'm in my twenties never had worked and trying to sell plasma so I can eventually get a method. Sorry to hear about you being homeschooled as well, it's rare to see another person like this. I've seen it come up every now and then but it seems rare.

Just the sheer isolation and alienation I feel from others and society in general is hard to describe to people. Most people have shared experiences during their formative years to relate to. Being homeschooled means missing a crucial part of your upbringing. I found it impossible to overcome this hurdle. It should be considered as child abuse.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. We did not deserve to be neglected and isolated like this.