When did you realize there is no happy ending?

[Seiba]

Just the sheer isolation and alienation I feel from others and society in general is hard to describe to people. Most people have shared experiences during their formative years to relate to. Being homeschooled means missing a crucial part of your upbringing. I found it impossible to overcome this hurdle. It should be considered as child abuse.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. We did not deserve to be neglected and isolated like this.

It is child abuse in my opinion as well, if you google homeschooling in any state it's not shocking tons of religious crap shows up. The state doesn't give a shit either, funny that they act like it's a huge deal if you skip school in high school regularly but with homeschool they won't even check to see if any educational records exist at all.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

It is child abuse in my opinion as well, if you google homeschooling in any state it's not shocking tons of religious crap shows up. The state doesn't give a shit either, funny that they act like it's a huge deal if you skip school in high school regularly but with homeschool they won't even check to see if any educational records exist at all.

My parents were hardcore religious freaks. Instead of providing me with useful education, all they did was fill my head with bizarre conspiracy theories and religious dogma. They would beat me so badly that I could barely move. Instead of taking me to the hospital they told me to repent and pray to be healed.

I only realized later in life how fucked up my childhood was. Probably the reason why I was homeschooled in the first place. To keep me isolated and powerless.

 

[Seiba]

My parents were hardcore religious freaks. Instead of providing me with useful education, all they did was fill my head with bizarre conspiracy theories and religious dogma. They would beat me so badly that I could barely move. Instead of taking me to the hospital they told me to repent and pray to be healed.

That's horrible. Your homeschooling experience sounds substantially worse than mine, I avoided having religious parents thankfully. I've read similar accounts on the subreddit homeschool recovery where the person hardly knows much because of religious garbage and the type of "science" they try to teach if anything at all. Even harder to get a birth certificate or otherwise in that situation as well to even leave, this world is biased in a way for parents where they benefit even from isolating and abusing who they should cherish and don't face punishment.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

That's horrible. Your homeschooling experience sounds substantially worse than mine, I avoided having religious parents thankfully. I've read similar accounts on the subreddit homeschool recovery where the person hardly knows much because of religious garbage and the type of "science" they try to teach if anything at all. Even harder to get a birth certificate or otherwise in that situation as well to even leave, this world is biased in a way for parents where they benefit even from isolating and abusing who they should cherish and don't face punishment.

It took a long time to undo all the brainwashing. I mean when you are a kid you don't know any better. When I think back on my parents I only feel resentment and disgust. The health problems I have today actually stem from my childhood. I never received proper medical care because my parents believed in the "healing power of prayer" or some other BS.

 

[Rational man]

I think as a child My parent's.were dysfunctional. I had dreams of falling off a multistory carpark as a child in a suicide. I actually went on to have a satisfactory job, and life was okay n general but i never felt part of this world. I was like a rogue with independent views. In a way it was good because i lived life on my terms. Im ready to die now but i would rather live. The problem is im dying with illness. I guess i didnt have old bones ❤

 

[Death is your gift]

This year. I've always had an exceptionally pessimistic worldview overall but somehow I still had some irrational part of me that thought that things can't go all wrong and somehow the universe will arrange some happiness for me eventually. Dunno wtf I was thinking.

Same here. Tbh suicidal thoughts have been recurrent for over 15 years, with that feeling that it could never end well, but somehow I kept finding ways not to fall into total despair. Their was always (and still today actually, but weaker than ever maybe) this little flame of irrational hope that somehow things will get better. Because that was we have been told all our life I guess...

 

[ClownMe]

I cant pinpoint it exactly but it was within the last 3-4 months, i lost all motivation for everything I had once enjoyed and realised that no amount of money would ever make me happy and make me want to continue living.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Earlier this year. I had had what I had dreamed of all my life. The root of my depression was slowly dying off, but then, I lost it. It cannot be replaced and my chances of getting it back are astronomically improbable. Now every day I live with these thoughts that interfere with everything. My work, my enjoyment of things, self care. All of these tasks are monumentally difficult due to all the memories and what ifs and what's going on nows. Sure, I could take meds to help with that but they would likely be very strong and would make me into a mindless zombie. Like I already am. So why live like that? That's not living. That's merely existence. Nothing more.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I think I've known it, in the back of my mind at least, since I was a teenager. However, the revelation that "This is it. This is really it" has sunk in deep over the course of the past two years.

My whole life has been spent watching people enjoy the things I can't have, whilst I experience a gradual, soul sucking decline in return. Envy doesn't even begin to describe it.

When I was 6/7 years old, I remember sitting in an art classroom and being instructed to make a gift for mother's day. I looked around and everyone was busy scrawling down adoration for their loving parents on their handmade cards and artwork.

I didn't know what to do, because my mommy didn't want me. She abandoned me, only coming around when she wanted something (usually money) from my grandparents. Who was I meant to write to?

In that moment, I realized I was unlike everyone else, not only because I was suffering from undiagnosed autism and developmental delays, but due to the fact that I was damaged goods. At 6 years old, I knew I was a defective product and an outcast of society.

My whole life has been ruined due to circumstances determined at birth. I have been lied to on so many ocassions, constantly assured that things will get better the older I get and the more freedoms I am granted with the advent of adulthood, but it has only gotten worse and worse.

No matter how much my situation kept changing, people only offered the same trite, nebulous platitudes. The gap between me and healthy, able bodied individuals with loving families only continues to increase as time marches on.

Yet, I have consistently been lied to and repeatedly told this is not the case. Oh, you can make your own happiness, your illnesses don't define you, etc. I'd like to see them try and "make their own happiness" while limping in my shoes.

I have been wanting off this rock since I was 11 years old. The bullying I dealt with at school never got better, I am forever destined to be labelled as a weirdo for the rest of my days. Growing up only opened the door for more abuse. There is no processing the trauma when my whole life has been ladden with it. Traumatic experiences have been a consistent feature of my existence, as opposed to one off freak accidents.

Even when I was taken outside of school and shut up in the home for two years, (shout out to dodgy religious homeschooling programs that teach you absolutely nothing and only serve to further impair your academic development) my situation only grew more erronious.

The family that remained after my father died festered in their grief, allowing it to turn them into monsters. So not only did I have to lay awake at night thinking about how my classmate sexually abused me, but how my aunt is throwing screaming fits and busting glasses all over the house.

Yet all of the people I came across would put on the most saccharine smiles and tell me with full confidence that my life was going to improve when I could get out of the bad living situation. They were completely off the mark.

Other teenagers treated me WORSE once they had the knowledge that I was an abuse victim. Teachers berated me and accused me of irresponsibility/laziness when my health was rapidly declining. The second I became of legal age, everyone expected me to act like an adult and ignore the fact that I hadn't even had a chance to really grow up.

All of the autism services are for little children, not older teenagers and adults. I was diagnosed with autism only a mere few months before adulthood, then thrown to the wolves with absolutely no means of assistance. Around the same time I became very ill and the hellish nightmare of physical disability began.

I thought it couldn't get any worse, then the universe laughed right in my face. I think I was cognizant of the stark reality of things, at that point, but I refused to believe it and kept existing in a state of denial. After all, that's how everyone told me I was supposed to be living. Ignore my illnesses, distract myself, find happiness in solitude, love yourself before you seek it from others, all of that garbage.

I became increasingly aware of the fact that people with high paying jobs, loving families, countless achievements, and functioning bodies were placing blame on me for not being able to have what they possess. Therapists and psychiatrists went speechless and had nothing to say when I told them all their mindfulness methods were not helping me.

I have tried over 20 different medications to try and heal my CFS, IBS, chronic pain, and ptsd. Nothing makes a dent in my suffering. All day long I've been knocked out and tranquillised from my "last resort" treatment, an old as fuck antidepressant that supposedly helps with nerve pain. I knew deep down that this wouldn't help either. After this, there is nothing left to try.

A part of me still wants to believe there is hope, for that irrational delusion has been showed down my throat more times than I can count. Another part of me recognises it for what it is- survival instinct fueled copium that has no logical basis in reality.

Everytime I had a modicum of optimism it has been hastily pried from my fingers and stomped into oblivion. Everytime someone promised me they would love me, take care of me, and give me something to live for (because let's face it, a life full of disability where you can barely care for yourself is hardly worth it) they have taken it back to pursue hedonism.

I have no family. I have no vitality. I have no talents. I have no strength. I have no one who cherishes me. I have no future. I have no successes. I have no health.

It is over for me. It's been over a long time, regardless of what everyone else says. 22 years of this carousel of agony is ENOUGH.

 

[feggut]

Pragmatically speaking, is there ever truly a happy ending for anyone at all? For neurotypical people who live to a ripe old age, if it isn't some horrible disease that does them in, then its wasting away slowly in a nursing home.

 

[motel rooms]

I realized there would be no happy ending when the masseur told me it's necessary to pay extra for it

 

[Hurt]

Some years ago. Every end is sad, no matters if it's because of suicide or not. But I realized life is not for me anymore.

 

[8evergo]

I've recognized it for a long time

 

[blueclover_.]

Pretty early on when I learned I'm "incompatible" with the world.



I'm sorry, this same thing happened to a family member. They were getting the money they deserved over injuries from serving and had the rest of their life setup, and then out of the blue a legal battle started and now they can't pay for the new house anymore and they're retired. What an unimaginable way to live the last years of your life, financially screwed, when you did all the right things prior. Truly a good example of life being unfair.

fuck those big companies

 

[Ch92921]

Recently more and more!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

When did you realize no one is coming to rescue you, that this is just the way life is? I've been engaged in a lengthy legal battle over medical bills. Recently the courts decided to rule against me. I am completely ruined financially. The timing is impeccable since my work contract ends in December and it looks like my employer is not going to renew it.

I think this is just the universe telling me it is time to finally let go. It is such a bitter realization knowing that I have completely squandered away the one chance you get at life. What an unceremonious end to a wretched life.

Isn't it amazing how quickly things can change? You think the world is one way and then you wake up and realize it's not. I remember looking out and seeing all of these people with their ruined lives… All the people who lived in smaller towns across America and looked like zombies and thinking to myself how horrible it must be for them.
Or even all the homeless people who line the streets where I live living in tents. And I realize the only thing separating them from me is a matter of months or years before my money runs out. They almost seem like a different species.
Or the people sifting through my trash cans for bottles and cans…
Now I realize in some ways they're better off than me. They actually have the motivation to roam around with shopping carts collecting bottles and cans. There's no way I could do that. You Wake up one day and realize you're not immune.

 

[fox_wannabe]

When did you realize no one is coming to rescue you, that this is just the way life is? I've been engaged in a lengthy legal battle over medical bills. Recently the courts decided to rule against me. I am completely ruined financially. The timing is impeccable since my work contract ends in December and it looks like my employer is not going to renew it.

I think this is just the universe telling me it is time to finally let go. It is such a bitter realization knowing that I have completely squandered away the one chance you get at life. What an unceremonious end to a wretched life.

I am sorry that you have end like this one, I wished end of life was something coming from acceptance and something not caused by hopelessness. Is something you wished to do before the end? Something that would make the last month worthy of living? Like for me I want to paint as much and as good as possible before I go, even though I do not know my bus schedule.

 

[Gosuipo]

Just this year. I realized life really is absurd. Everything doesn't make sense. We were just here existing and not living. People come and go, even ourselves so why bother. This is like my aha moment like I was awakened from the false pretense of this world. And I don't want all of this. I just wanted to exit.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

When I lost him, I lost my dreams.

 

[catwalk]

When I was around 11 or 12. Realized it and been the downward spiral of similiar revalations ever since.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

When I fucked up four months ago. Now everything is depressing and fucked up

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I was so delusional most of my life that something will come eventually and save me. I went through so many changes the last year that opened my eyes onto how much I been lying to myself just to keep me hopeful. Last 5 months were the last straw and I started being actively suicidal and I acquired a method finally. All I have to do is use it but thats another story

Same thing happened to me. Was living for decades in some kind of delusional fantasy that things we're going to work out. And then one day you wake up and you realize you've been fooling yourself. You really are different than everybody else. All of the successful people are living in a different universe. You thought the rules do not apply to you but in fact they do. And even now perhaps you're living in a fantasy. Believing that CTB will solve your problem. Will actually be able to happen. But if it doesn't? What if you're not able to pull it off? And you're now a homeless person on the street? Things can always get worse.

 

[Snake of Eden]

And even now perhaps you're living in a fantasy. Believing that CTB will solve your problem. Will actually be able to happen. But if it doesn't? What if you're not able to pull it off? And you're now a homeless person on the street? Things can always get worse.

You are absolutely right. But what other thing to hold on to if not ctb? I have nothing left literally

 

[stellabelle]

When did you realize no one is coming to rescue you, that this is just the way life is? I've been engaged in a lengthy legal battle over medical bills. Recently the courts decided to rule against me. I am completely ruined financially. The timing is impeccable since my work contract ends in December and it looks like my employer is not going to renew it.

I think this is just the universe telling me it is time to finally let go. It is such a bitter realization knowing that I have completely squandered away the one chance you get at life. What an unceremonious end to a wretched life.

Years ago. About age 12. When some dick cop ignored me and refused to help me be removed from the household of my abuser, who continued to abuse and oppress and invade and lie and pretend like she cared, exploiting me for her own benefit. People enabled the wretched cunt to continue her behavior.

Would I be someone who has made "poor" decisions in the past?
Yes. I have. But you know what, I "tried" to move along. I "tried" to tell people what I needed. That was simple assistance with one or more simple tasks.
I "tried" a million times.
People continued their little "game."
It was not a "game."

Knowledge is power, power is privilege, privilege is the ability to remove oneself from a bad situation without further oppression and exploitation. Ignorance and lies versus strength and truth.

Financial hardships are just that. Hardships that you "drown in."

People say "it's just money, make more of it."
That's not a viable answer to the challenge you might face.

Medical bills are absolutely tragic. I don't say that in a condescending way, I say it with truth.

People and corporations have exploited our healthcare system to the point of no return.

There is so much greed.

The cost of "treatment" for conditions could be incredibly low or at no cost whatsoever.

I'm sorry that you're struggling to afford those debts.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

You are absolutely right. But what other thing to hold on to if not ctb? I have nothing left literally

Nembutal seems promising, as long as I'm able to get a hold of it and follow whatever protocol is necessary. It will be surreal and tragic and bizarre but I can imagine swallowing the substance and then gently falling off to sleep and never waking up.
Everybody I know will be completely shocked and confused and saddened.
But ultimately they will understand and forever after I will be a cautionary tale. That will be the meaning of my life unfortunately.

 

[Arrow]

ever since I was a kid I knew there wouldn't be a good ending to all of this.

 

[WearyHSP]

There was a terrible event when I was 7, that drastically changed me. When I was 12, I journaled that I'd prefer to be dead, but I now know that notion began at the age of 7. I didn't attempt until I was in college.
I've worked for decades to recover from the mysterious event at age 7. I'm not lazy, I've done everything a person could do with no support. In the meantime I got an untreatable chronic illness - 24 years now.
My suicidality is situational, it's just that my situation continues to worsen and given the trajectory, barring a miracle, it'll continue to only get worse. I'm too sick to work, and am alone, never married, no kids. There is no one who loves me.
Trauma repeats itself. I mean, literally, repeats itself, through no fault of the victim.

A decade ago I got assaulted in my condo by a man I'd never met. I fought back with all my strength because I didn't want to be raped. But during the scuffle I discovered he'd worn medical gloves beneath his winter gloves, I realized, "He's going to kill me" and I felt the most surprising sense of peace while being strangled and beaten. I thought, "That's okay, I'm good with that."

That's when I knew what happened to me when I was 7 was worse than death. That's when I knew I wasn't just fantasizing about ctb.

 

[Chronicillness]

I knew as soon as I could think for myself. Instead of embracing the novelty of the world at a young age and dreaming big, I felt like waking up to my sentience was like crawling out of one of (the video game) "Fallout's" vaults only to see an apocalyptic and desolate presenting world that had danger and suffering embedded into every acreage.

This was an inborn defect and not one that developed due to negative experiences. My mother carried me in her womb whilst having major depression the entire pregnancy. She transferred that depression to me. At first it was melancholy, but then it morphed into a monster of depressive illnesses.

I never cared about a happy ending, I just wanted normal happiness and a semi-normal life. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but lots of people have many good memories to carry them through life's most treacherous phases.

 

[Sans]

I don't know the first time I thought such a thing, but for a long time I've known that life just isn't meant for people like me. What's the point? I'm just a suicide waiting to happen anyway.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Hrmm that's a good point. I always knew I was going to die by suicide even from an early age. I told myself to try to make it to 30 years old and see if things improve by then. But enough is enough. Nothing is going to change. Just waiting around for a couple more years in hopes of a miracle is pure delusion. My bed has been made, I just have to lay down and accept it.

Not all lives are worth living even if society pretends people like us don't exist or matter.