When did you know CTB was the logical choice for you?

[everydayiloveyou]

For me, it was when I was 18 and went to a concert that I had wanted to go to ever since I was a little kid. I was going to listen to the songs that kept me going when I first got depression. I thought I'd make life-long friends there.

It was the happiest day of my life, but still a bad day. I stood front row; dropped 350$ on merch that I saved specifically for that day -- not including the giant tip for the merch stand workers -- and a lot of the songs I wanted to hear were performed there. It was a dream come true. But I made no friends, I felt nervous the entire time, and when I was waiting in silence for the show to start, I realized how strange this hobby I had was. It's an extremely niche genre so I was out of place on either end of the spectrum of casual listeners to hardcore fans (even tho I was a life-long fan, the other people were different from me in other aspects like age, being talented adults with interest in music production, or famous within the scene)

I was so happy for a few days. Once I had to go back to my retail job, it all hit me how alone I was. I had no one. I let all my feelings out using that music, which was weird to normal people but I didnt even fit in with other fans like me.

Since then I feel sure I will probably commit suicide before I turn 30. Nothing has improved since then. I still have depression and crippling social anxiety. Meds aren't doing helpng at all, I don't even have side effects. I've had no friends for 3 years, my family only loves me when I'm happy, my students don't respect me and write bad reviews about me, and my therapist can't stand me; she tries to get me out of the office asap.

I'm just counting down the days. Once it's my time, everything will be handled and the duty I have to my family on this earth will be fulfilled.

what is your reason?

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Three months ago, made decisions that resulted in my life doing a complete 180. Have no way out but to ctb now

 

[Snake of Eden]

5 months ago. I wanted to die since 18 but didnt start to look seriously into it until 36. Jobless, sick with no future prospects and a burden to myself and my family

 

[tiredplant777]

First of all I am so, so sorry that you're suffering like this. I endured years of isolation for a good 5 years in my 20's and it was so sad and so lonely. I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

For me it was recently. I unfortunately had a chronic health issue flare up from my first covid vaccine. Nothing life threatening, and it's being managed so far with medication now, but it triggered me so badly I was in the most hopeless state I've ever really been in. Which is saying something. It made me realize I am probably permanently altered by the traumas I experienced and it also made me realize I had nothing in my life I felt was worth living for. I did find some people online with similar flare ups and they don't want to die lol. I want to stay for my parents, so my plan now is to wait until they pass, which will probably be a long ass time, but that's ok. I realized there is nothing that gives me joy in my life that can sustain me enough to want to live along with life's challenges. There's nothing there, when there was stuff that would give me hope and joy before. I also realized I'm in my 30's now, and I've been struggling literally my entire life. Another thing about all of this is that since I escaped my abuser shit has still been hitting me in other ways, health stuff, best friend lying to me about really important shit, losing another friendship as well, having to put down my dog after traumatic stuff, getting ghosted by the first guy I trusted in a long time, having someone who was supposed to be helping me betray me in a deeply upsetting and disturbing way. Recently I've just been like ok wtf. I've also lost what used to be supportive safe spaces/communities because of very intense division in terms of opinions about covid, and I don't know if this will ever get better. For me being single is also a big one. Thanks for letting me get this stuff off my chest lol.

 

[Mr2005]

If I didn't know before covid I do now

 

[littlelungs]

I've been suicidal for the majority of my life, but when I actually started thinking of it as a logical choice was when I requested and subsequently went through my medical records, reflected on the countless different treatments and hospitalizations (and how I responded to them) that went on for YEARS, and the nature of all the problems I have and their respective prognoses, and what all of that means for me in a wide range of different aspects.

Highly simplified: I'm in constant agony from head to toe, inside and out, and the future looks incredibly bleak. I can honestly say that I've given it everything I had with the resources I was given, and nothing has gotten better – only worse. There is nothing else that modern medicine and technology can do for me, there are no advantages of continuing to entertain all of this shit for god knows how long on the off chance that another treatment (that I actually respond well to) becomes available, and I'm not waiting forever. I'm sick of suffering day in and day out, and I'm sick of the world and all of its violence, cruelty, greed, and so on and so forth. I have so many reasons as to why I want nothing to do with any of this, but my brain seems to have stopped cooperating for now, and honestly, I don't even know if I could list them all, simply based on the amount of reasons that I have for wanting to leave. Everything is just so wrong.

There's only so much a person can take, and I hit my limits a LONG time ago. Even with my piss-poor life circumstances and the chronic suicidality, the conscious decision to die was still not an easy decision for me to make because it meant that I had to actively acknowledge and admit a lot of really uncomfortable and deeply upsetting things to myself in the process. But was it a rational decision? Yes, absolutely.

 

[Versailles]

I realized in my adolescence, when I noticed that my mental and physical health was not going to improve and that after all, we are all going to die.

 

[bed]

I would say 3-4 years ago is when it changed from impulsive to rational.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

5 months ago. I wanted to die since 18 but didnt start to look seriously into it until 36. Jobless, sick with no future prospects and a burden to myself and my family

I've been suicidal for over a decade but only really started looking into and making attempts the past few years. At first I was so sure that I could ctb. But after a few botched attempts I am not so sure anymore.

I really regret not taking it more seriously the first few attempts. Now I feel like I awakened some kind of SI within me that prevents even practice runs.

There's only so much a person can take, and I hit my limits a LONG time ago. Even with the chronic suicidality, the conscious decision to die was still not an easy decision for me to make because it meant I had to actively acknowledge and admit a lot of really uncomfortable and deeply upsetting things to myself. But was it a rational decision? Yes, absolutely.

Once you realize suicide is a valid option there is no going back. I am constantly stuck between wanting to die and wanting to recover. I am not dead yet but don't really feel alive either. Some lives are just not worth living. I wish someday society could admit this fact.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

when I got severe brain damage and chemical castration and could no longer enjoy life. I'm tired of people acting as if suicide is always an "irrational" choice… like I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL PLEASURE! JUST FUCKING SUFFER. It's rational af to want to die when all you have is suffering and there's no cure or support for this illness. I'm sure most people will consider suicide if they had this stupid syndrome.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

when I got severe brain damage and chemical castration and could no longer enjoy life. I'm tired of people acting as if suicide is always an "irrational" choice… like I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL PLEASURE! JUST FUCKING SUFFER. It's rational af to want to die when all you have is suffering and there's no cure or support for this illness. I'm sure most people will consider suicide if they had this stupid syndrome.

It is crazy how we are labelled as irrational or incapable of making sound decisions. Suicides come down to realizing death is a better option than prolonged unnecessary misery.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

It is crazy how we are labelled as irrational or incapable of making sound decisions. Suicides come down to realizing death is a better option than prolonged unnecessary misery.

Exactly! We're all going to die anyways… Suicide can be rational AF. Forcing others to prolong their suffering needlessly is irrational AF. I hate when privileged people label others as "crazy" or mentally unsound just because they want to end their suffering.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Exactly! We're all going to die anyways… Suicide can be rational AF. Forcing others to prolong their suffering needlessly is irrational AF. I hate when privileged people label others as "crazy" or mentally unsound just because they want to end their suffering.

Either people live in their own privileged bubbles so they don't understand or they want others to suffer just like they have. Those are the two most common responses I see to suicide when you start peeling back the facade of platitudes they hide behind.

 

[Hurt]

Since I knew I can't reverse things I guess

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive, it has never felt right, me being alive. I have been suicidal for a long time, and I have come to the conclusion over time that life is not for me and there is nothing that would make me want to live. Things will also get worse for me in the future. I just want to not exist. I think in the case of my life, wanting to die is a perfectly rational response to my circumstances. For me, suicide is the only thing that makes sense.

 

[Diminished]

My early twenties. Once you have depression long enough you know it's never going to go away and ctb becomes inevitable. Whether it's days, months or years away

 

[hopelessgirl]

Been suicidal for years.

But now that I found SN, ordered it the other day. I really realised, REALLY realised... that wow. I am going to die before Christmas. It's strange, a bit scary, and feels totally right. I've even told my brothers. I'm ready. And now I know for sure, this is happening. Just tracking my package every minute now.

Exactly! We're all going to die anyways… Suicide can be rational AF. Forcing others to prolong their suffering needlessly is irrational AF. I hate when privileged people label others as "crazy" or mentally unsound just because they want to end their suffering.

Do you mind me asking what happened to you? Psychiatric drugs scare me as fuck. And now that they don't help me at all, and my brain feels fried, and I am fucking scared of NOT taking them, because man if I don't one day I´ll be fucked... I am literally ADDICTED to psychiatric drugs... And then they come here and tell us to not ever smoke weed or whatever. I just feel like there's some kind of hypocrisy going on here. Like, when I was hospitalised, the ONLY, and I mean the ONLY treatment I got or ever have gotten, is drugs. And half of the time, science don't even KNOW what the drug do to the brain. And, now. Well I don't recognise myself anymore. Except for when I smoke weed ( which I barely do anymore, because it sometimes give me a massive panic attack). And then I remember, slightly who I was. My brain hurts constantly in weird specific places. It feels fried. I feel fried :-P

 

[Bone]

Since I knew I can't reverse things I guess

same, once you realize it's never actually gonna get better. I "recovered" two full times already but sunk lower each time, now it is impossible to climb out of this hole.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

same, once you realize it's never actually gonna get better. I "recovered" two full times already but sunk lower each time, now it is impossible to climb out of this hole.

I switch back and forth from being actively suicidal to postponing. It is not like I am fully committed to either ctb'ing or recovery. I am not sure if recovery is even possible if you have been suicidal for over a decade already.

Once you realize suicide is a real option then there is no going back. The thought will creep in when you are stressed, no matter how much you convince yourself you are now better.

 

[8evergo]

Ich hatte mein ganzes Leben nur Ausfälle und einfach nur Pech, ich habe mich immer geärgert, ich sollte meine Pickel bis zu 30 behalten, ich sammle chronische Krankheiten, ich habe alles von MS bis Asthma und Zucker dann bekam ich COPD So oft gefeuert und gekündigt einfach immer Pech, gesundheitlich muss ich immer Spritzen und nehme ca. 10 Tabletten mir wurde ein Antrag auf Invalidenrente abgelehnt und ich habe mich entschieden dieses Jahr CBT zu machen Ich suche nur eine weibliche CBT Partnerin Springen oder Hängen oder CO2 wäre schön

 

[All Things Must Pass]

As soon as I became suicidal, which was March this year.

 

[8evergo]

Bei mir habe ich auch im März dieses Jahres immer gedacht, aber jetzt will und suche ich jemanden