when did life end for you? what’s your ideal way to ctb?

[020x]

at what moment did you realise it's not worth living anymore, or if it isn't worth it at all?

me personally, i did like to live but recently i got a mental illness that makes my daily life struggle. i can't enjoy things fully like i did before. i'm dependent on drugs. it's technically over for me, i just still exist for some reason. i'm too afraid to end it tho, the pain, the confusion, terror, impending doom, everything about dying scares me.

my ideal way of going out would be either shooting myself in the head leaning to a river with my back (so that I will drown if somehow i will still be conscious). or by ingesting high dose of N. I can't imagine anything else being peaceful

 

[Elle]

jumping seems good

 

[020x]

jumping seems good

if only it would be 100% guaranteed

 

[Elle]

if only it would be 100% guaranteed

Yes :(. No other ways seems to work
Constantly being trapped

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never seen existence as being worth enduring, only non-existence has ever comforted me, I'm not meant to exist in this cruel, dreadful world and existing is completely undesirable in the first place. I only wish for permanent, true peace which can only be found once I'm free from everything, there is nothing appealing about having the ability to suffer endlessly.
And Nembutal is my ideal method of course, it sounds like the most peaceful, I want a death which is like falling asleep eternally.

 

[ever so lonely]

day mum died, 04/07/04.

 

[Elle]

day mum died, 04/07/04.

I'm sorry to hear this, Terry. Remember she's looking down on you. We care about you, hugs. Always here for you

 

[ever so lonely]

thank you, means a lot, of al the people to lose in life i feel you can replace friends, replace partners, heck even sometimes replace pets, tho they still have a hold over us, and we love them as unconditional as they do us, but if anything we cannot replace our loved lost relatives, beeeavment is so sucky honestly, thank you again

 

[Elle]

thank you, means a lot, of al the people to lose in life i feel you can replace friends, replace partners, heck even sometimes replace pets, tho they still have a hold over us, and we love them as unconditional as they do us, but if anything we cannot replace our loved lost relatives, beeeavment is so sucky honestly, thank you again

Always here

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation for 33 years. During that time, I've had some periods that were way worse than others. The current especially bad slump has lasted well over a year. I think this time is perhaps different for me. There's really not much I even want now. At least, when I was unhappy before, it was because my work situation was so dire. I more or less got what I wanted in a way with regards to that but it still isn't enough and it's so difficult to sustain. I suppose I'm nearer to the point I actually feel like I can do it too- when my Dad passes. Now, it's just a matter of treading water as best I can until then.

As regards to method, my ideal would be assisted suicide at a clinic but I doubt our countries will ever allow that for someone in my position- middle aged and still able to work and pay taxes. I expect it will have to be SN if I ever have the guts to do it.

 

[Unattainable666]

My life ended when my child was murdered and the authorities did nothing. It's been downhill ever since. I should have ctb then. Too many regrets.

 

[Death is my goal]

my first step in school, been nothing but suffering ever since. if i could go back in time I'd kill my old self.

 

[girlboything]

at what moment did you realise it's not worth living anymore, or if it isn't worth it at all?

me personally, i did like to live but recently i got a mental illness that makes my daily life struggle. i can't enjoy things fully like i did before. i'm dependent on drugs. it's technically over for me, i just still exist for some reason. i'm too afraid to end it tho, the pain, the confusion, terror, impending doom, everything about dying scares me.

my ideal way of going out would be either shooting myself in the head leaning to a river with my back (so that I will drown if somehow i will still be conscious). or by ingesting high dose of N. I can't imagine anything else being peaceful

i just got out of the psych ward where i was given a course of ECT which didn't really help. i was at a ward in a mental hospital not a medical hospital. for ECT you can't eat or drink after midnight the day of treatment because you could vomit and aspirate. because it was not a medical hospital they would not be able to save me if that happened. so the morning of my treatment i secretly ate three rice krispies. i had hoped to ctb from aspiration while under general anesthesia. it didn't work and when i came to i just started crying.

i've been fairly certain that at some point i will ctb. but im having a hard time figuring out how to get it done. i've contacted the pegasos clinic three times now, still waiting on a response to the third email. i asked them why they didn't think my application would be approved.

but anyway the first time i remember wanting to ctb i was 10 years old and i was sleeping over at my friends house and i got my first period and i was scared of my friends mom so i couldn't ask for help. and i just remember lying on the couch in their living room while my friend slept nearby wishing i was dead and hating my gender. and then it just. never went away. i have come extremely close to succeeding twice but one time i got scared and went to the school nurse before i could bleed out. i got 72 stitches in one arm and missed the artery by a millimeter. the other time i drank a full bottle of vodka in a cvs parking lot and almost died of alcohol poisoning. unfortunately someone found me passed out and called 911. i still wish they hadn't found me but it's on me for not going to a more isolated location. anyway i'm at a point where it's no longer impulsive. i am just done. the only thing stopping me is lack of access to means and the consequences of failure.

 

[BlackSpotOnTheSun]

Anything quick with 100% success and low pain would be lovely, but not sure if that's possible without N

 

[StolenLife]

It ended when I was twelve. When my two best friends left me and my evil classmates ganged up on torturing me. I knew I would never be able to mentally recover from this and so far I was right. Later on I got harassed on social media by the guy who was obsessed with me and I'm still paranoid that he'll never let it go. I know my story is not as bad as some I've seen here, but it still broke my psyche and now I'm having paranoid thoughts about them. I'm currently on meds but it doesn't help much. My ideal way to ctb would be SN or N but I don't have enough money and there are still some thing I want to do before I ctb.

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

It didn't end for me, but whatever the hell this is isn't anything like what I thought reality was before. A very traumatic family betrayal. Multiple family betrayals. Loss of trust in nearly everything and everyone. Loss of my dreams. Feeling I'll never be able to create new ones at times. Whatever I'm in now, feels like a limbo. An in-between state.

 

[ApparentlyNot]

I don't expect anyone to relate to this, but a shroom trip actually is what showed me this path. I have been suicidal to a degree since I was 13. But never any serious attempts or even plans until I was at least 18. I have just been a mean, horrible, selfish, ugly person my whole life. I have cared about the wrong things and I have cultivated a life of stagnant inadequacy and negativity. The feeling that there is no hope and that I should CTB was there for a long time, but I think due to societal pressures to live, that have been embedded in us since birth, and good ol' psychological defense mechanisms, I just couldn't fully feel it. And then I did some shrooms lol...

I've been doing psychedelics since I was a teen, and I decided to take a massive 5g dose of mushrooms - with the intention of it "showing me the light" or some shit, and essentially "fixing" me. I wanted a way out of my mindset and depression, and I believed psychedelics could trigger that in me - instantly... very very naïve and stupid looking back.

The experience was very odd. I took 5g of standard cubensis shrooms that I grew myself and that I had tripped on several times before. For those unfamiliar, 5g is a fuckton and is generally referred to as a "heroic" dose. But I reacted so, oddly... After several hours, I could tell I was slightly under the effects of the mushrooms, but for the most part, I experienced no visual hallucinations AT ALL - again, this is very odd for taking any amount of shrooms, none the less 5g - and I also could barely feel any emotions at all for that matter. I sat, totally emotionless for maybe an hour, maybe two, until my internal dialogue started up and I literally asked myself if I wanted to experience my emotions as they truly are.

I then made the conscious decision to feel my emotions. And it was that easy. Within seconds, it was like, all my psychological defense mechanisms came crashing down at once and I experienced who I was and what kind of pain I was in, in full, for perhaps the first time in my life. And I felt what was inside of me, what I can always feel there, but that I choose not to address or even feel. I felt how horrible I really feel and am all the time, what type of suffering I was combating. It was like, the most overwhelming dysphoric feeling ever. I knew I had trauma and that it carried with me in my body and mind, but I never had realized how immense it was. Feeling it, feeling how broken I was made me realize that there is no fixing it. There wasn't any hobby or good habit or therapy that could rid me of this pain. I could only manage it. And that was really sad to realize.

This truth, that I was broken and that there was no plausible way to fix myself, felt like what they call a "Noetic truth" in the psychedelic community. It felt almost divine, it felt more true that truth itself. I could not unsee it.

Before that point, I had thought I was depressed and fucked up but I kind of always believed, on some level, there was a way out with enough hard work and effort, that I could be happy one day, but I now after feeling this pain, I found that extremely laughable. That I ever thought I could work through this shit. It felt like a behemoth in my presence, a goliath, and it was so silly I didn't realize how outmatched and puny I was in its presence. I was never going to escape myself and I was never going to escape my suffering because I am fundamentally broken and I cannot move on.

 

[020x]

I don't expect anyone to relate to this, but a shroom trip actually is what showed me this path. I have been suicidal to a degree since I was 13. But never any serious attempts or even plans until I was at least 18. I have just been a mean, horrible, selfish, ugly person my whole life. I have cared about the wrong things and I have cultivated a life of stagnant inadequacy and negativity. The feeling that there is no hope and that I should CTB was there for a long time, but I think due to societal pressures to live, that have been embedded in us since birth, and good ol' psychological defense mechanisms, I just couldn't fully feel it. And then I did some shrooms lol...

I've been doing psychedelics since I was a teen, and I decided to take a massive 5g dose of mushrooms - with the intention of it "showing me the light" or some shit, and essentially "fixing" me. I wanted a way out of my mindset and depression, and I believed psychedelics could trigger that in me - instantly... very very naïve and stupid looking back.

The experience was very odd. I took 5g of standard cubensis shrooms that I grew myself and that I had tripped on several times before. For those unfamiliar, 5g is a fuckton and is generally referred to as a "heroic" dose. But I reacted so, oddly... After several hours, I could tell I was slightly under the effects of the mushrooms, but for the most part, I experienced no visual hallucinations AT ALL - again, this is very odd for taking any amount of shrooms, none the less 5g - and I also could barely feel any emotions at all for that matter. I sat, totally emotionless for maybe an hour, maybe two, until my internal dialogue started up and I literally asked myself if I wanted to experience my emotions as they truly are.

I then made the conscious decision to feel my emotions. And it was that easy. Within seconds, it was like, all my psychological defense mechanisms came crashing down at once and I experienced who I was and what kind of pain I was in, in full, for perhaps the first time in my life. And I felt what was inside of me, what I can always feel there, but that I choose not to address or even feel. I felt how horrible I really feel and am all the time, what type of suffering I was combating. It was like, the most overwhelming dysphoric feeling ever. I knew I had trauma and that it carried with me in my body and mind, but I never had realized how immense it was. Feeling it, feeling how broken I was made me realize that there is no fixing it. There wasn't any hobby or good habit or therapy that could rid me of this pain. I could only manage it. And that was really sad to realize.

This truth, that I was broken and that there was no plausible way to fix myself, felt like what they call a "Noetic truth" in the psychedelic community. It felt almost divine, it felt more true that truth itself. I could not unsee it.

Before that point, I had thought I was depressed and fucked up but I kind of always believed, on some level, there was a way out with enough hard work and effort, that I could be happy one day, but I now after feeling this pain, I found that extremely laughable. That I ever thought I could work through this shit. It felt like a behemoth in my presence, a goliath, and it was so silly I didn't realize how outmatched and puny I was in its presence. I was never going to escape myself and I was never going to escape my suffering because I am fundamentally broken and I cannot move on.

what a struggle it's truly disappointing to see how nature is treating us.

 

[Pipsqueak!]

The way I'd like to ctb is through a drug overdose. But that probably will never happen for me.

 

[Shaylla1998]

For the majority of my life, I found myself consumed by CTB thoughts, however, it was during my early 20s that I experienced a realization and gained a broader perspective. I delved deeper into the nihilistic mindset, embracing the notion that ultimately, nothing truly matters. This shift in thinking allowed me to grasp not only my own insignificance as an individual within this vast world but also the insignificance of our entire civilization when compared to the grandeur of the cosmos. This realization has influenced my worldview and continues to guide my thoughts and actions.

I've been thinking about how I'd like to go, and I've considered using either firearms or chemicals. However, I don't have access to either of those right now, so I've been contemplating other options like cutting or the night night method.

 

[Techef]

When I look back at my life, it was probably when my father died, and my entire family and relatives were unable to grieve properly (including myself). As I was the most "functional," I pushed the grief down and gritted my teeth to at least take care of my immediate family. Unfortunately, that just led to me burning out, and my efforts were for naught as nobody was able to recover. But that was a long time ago.

In more recent terms, late 2019. A series of unfortunate events, followed by a bunch of diagnoses, meant that I was going to die in a few years. For whatever reason I never thought to CTB though, until the pain became too unbearable earlier this year.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

I endured lot of family abuse,poverty,bullism etc
But fall in love destroyed me

 

[leavingsoon99]

The moment? When my mother beat me mercilessly for wearing a cartoon t-shirt to church.

 

[Paradise]

Probably when my dad threatened me with a gun at 13 if me and my mom would leave him. Tried to resurrect myself by going to dream school but even tho the dream came true, it didn't make me happy. I wish to go out by a bullet to honour the moment I rly died.

 

[Zegers]

Life didn't begin for me.