Discussion what's your story? why are you depressed? why do you want to die?

[my endless blue]

really bored in the middle of waiting for an appointment. so lemme ask you, whats your story? life has probably been pretty awful to you. you can use this thread to vent, if you want.
no matter what, i hope we all can find the peace we search for

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Big failure, wrong decisions, life's fucked up, no way out, at least I don't find a satisfying way out ==> CTB is the only option sooner or later.

That's how it is. :-)

 

[HappyForever?]

Struggled with finding romantic love all my life, wanted to CTB as a result. Was on the brink of CTBing when I found my ex. Cured instantly. Broke up a month ago because I found out that she was cheating in a LDR to be with me. Suicidal feelings returned, but I would like to attempt to find someone else first.

 

[アホペンギン]

Everyone close to me has convinced me that i'm a failure and that i'll never amount to anything. Its the truth, as far as i know. I don't think i can ever fix myself, the fact that i'm useless is drilled into my brain. I can't get rid of that thought, ever. And i'm also traumatized from getting abused daily during my childhood and i have absolutely no social skills, i can't get a job and i can't even survive in a public situation that requires me to speak to someone. I'm useless, disgusting.

 

[my endless blue]

Struggled with finding romantic love all my life, wanted to CTB as a result. Was on the brink of CTBing when I found my ex. Cured instantly. Broke up a month ago because I found out that she was cheating in a LDR to be with me. Suicidal feelings returned, but I would like to attempt to find someone else first.

can't really explain to you how much i identify with your story. it's been like a day i lost my best friend and also the love of my life cause im really bad on expressing myself and have a difficult way to deal with. always loved her, she helped me get over so many things and i got to ruin everything. its been pretty hard so far and i dont think it will get better. i hope you can recover from this in the best way possible. much love to you, friend, you deserve.

 

[Rhymester]

New member here so I don't really know where to start but will give it my best shot. Honestly, this sounds absurd but from a stranger's perspective, I lead a perfect life. I've great parents, few friends, good fam, and attend college full-time where I study marketing. However, I always felt like an outsider. I tend to have extreme opinions that contradict everyone else's. So what makes life shit for me? The worst thing is my OCD. People have mocked me for it in the past and still do. You see I tend to have strict routines cos of my OCD and people just find it hilarious. The thing about having a routine is like a safety net for me, anything outside of it always felt like a threat to me. I'm quite cowardly too. The second thing that bothers me is just the way I am—my personality and the body I'm stuck in. Basically all my life I felt like someone who has been born in the wrong generation, time, body. As absurd as it sounds, I almost feel as if I was reincarnated into someone I am not. I don't feel at peace with myself. I feel like I'm someone else, but present in the wrong timeline, body, and such. Also, I always took pride in being an interesting person, but turned out I was the very opposite. Started first year of college with three friends, and ended the year with none. My spirit is just crushed.

 

[falling_snow]

When I was younger my first crush was a boy. Afterwards I found out that was called homosexuality. I confessed my love to my second crush when I was 14. I was rejected instantly and made fun of. I started feeling shame for being gay, and my parental being homophobic didn't help. So afterwards I started having my first suicidal thoughts. But right now I don't want to CTB, I want to wait a bit to find courage to leave, and not leaving any regrets.

 

[my endless blue]

Everyone close to me has convinced me that i'm a failure and that i'll never amount to anything. Its the truth, as far as i know. I don't think i can ever fix myself, the fact that i'm useless is drilled into my brain. I can't get rid of that thought, ever. And i'm also traumatized from getting abused daily during my childhood and i have absolutely no social skills, i can't get a job and i can't even survive in a public situation that requires me to speak to someone. I'm useless, disgusting.

i feel you. i have some case of stutter and that just ruined my entire life. even though i can "survive" some situations because it got better, i feel so stressed by only thinking about living, guess i fear people because of what i used to suffer at school. i also regret so much bad choices. cant find a job or study because im so useless, disgusted by the past, present and myself and don't feel like things will get better. also, ruined a lot of relationships with people who really loved me because i'm so difficult to deal with. its been quite a ride and i dont want this anymore, dont feel like waiting to try anymore, waiting for the right moment. life is not waiting for me, no one is and hurts like hell when I see someone i truly love moving forward in life, because i'm not like them. ill never be. but as I always says: maybe in the next life, right?

 

[アホペンギン]

i feel you. i have some case of stutter and that just ruined my entire life. even though i can "survive" some situations because it got better, i feel so stressed by only thinking about living, guess i fear people because of what i used to suffer at school. i also regret so much bad choices. cant find a job or study because im so useless, disgusted by the past, present and myself and don't feel like things will get better. also, ruined a lot of relationships with people who really loved me because i'm so difficult to deal with. its been quite a ride and i dont want this anymore, dont feel like waiting to try anymore, waiting for the right moment. life is not waiting for me, no one is and hurts like hell when I see someone i truly love moving forward in life, because i'm not like them. ill never be. but as I always say: maybe in the next life, right?

Yeah, I also feel that I have ruined so many good relationships with people who care about me because i'm so hard to deal with. They know i'm suicidal and probably very stressed out because of that. I have had enough with life, i have seen all that I needed to.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It's easy really, I'm just no longer content staying and dealing with all the burdens that come with the human experience, hearing about rape, murder, wars, exploitation of people who are desperate,weak and hungry, disease, corruption etc... and not to mention how senile, narcissistic, angry and erratic a lot of people and their behavior is.

I find myself in a place no more than one I could just find myself content with and be a part of. In the simplest of ways, I find it all ultimately meaningless, that we fight for what we fight amongst each other on this one tiny planet. It's all just become something I've grown tired of being part of and witnessing. I even wake up everyday now that I have SN since I honestly didn't have a chance at acquiring any other method that is considerably better so it was all I could get and I ask myself "why are you still here" and in all honesty, I'm just waiting for the right time and I'm even past the point of caring about how it'll effect anyone I care about like family, even getting the SN feels like I've crossed a line I can't come back from because it shows a great part of me sees not being here is insurmountably better than being here. Also, I'm being a bit cautious since my family has recently dealt with three passings over the past few months so I don't want to be a fourth although if it were up to me, I'd ctb before the year is out. Suicidal ideation and I are no strangers for the past few years since my mental breakdown and I've been searching for a good, practical method and have cast aside a few of them since.

Plus, sticking around to see if the future would be better doesn't appeal to me at all since I don't like how things are unfolding currently so why bother gambling that it'll be better after that, things can and always do get worse and with what life has been thus far, I don't even think it could be better, better to a point where I'll even consider staying for a damn good reason.

 

[my endless blue]

Big failure, wrong decisions, life's fucked up, no way out, at least I don't find a satisfying way out ==> CTB is the only option sooner or later.

That's how it is. :-)

feel you. my life is summed up in bad decisions, ashamed of myself, disgust with myself, my past and present and fear of what I will not be in the future.

 

[lethargic]

My neighbour's dog is really loud and it's annoying.

 

[buyersremorse]

It's both already over and just beginning. I ruined everything and everyone I cherished. It's not a "the world sucks and I don't want to be here" kind of story. More of a "the world is good, and I don't deserve to be here" one. Everything I touch goes to shit. I don't deserve to stand with good people. I don't want to keep burdening those around me. I lost everything, and it's all my fault.
I don't care what happens to me. I won't let them down.

 

[Takamagahara]

I stubbed my toe as I was getting ready for work.

Also, all of them fell out of love with me.

 

[lethargic]

New member here so I don't really know where to start but will give it my best shot. Honestly, this sounds absurd but from a stranger's perspective, I lead a perfect life. I've great parents, few friends, good fam, and attend college full-time where I study marketing. However, I always felt like an outsider. I tend to have extreme opinions that contradict everyone else's. So what makes life shit for me? The worst thing is my OCD. People have mocked me for it in the past and still do. You see I tend to have strict routines cos of my OCD and people just find it hilarious. The thing about having a routine is like a safety net for me, anything outside of it always felt like a threat to me. I'm quite cowardly too. The second thing that bothers me is just the way I am—my personality and the body I'm stuck in. Basically all my life I felt like someone who has been wrong in the wrong generation, time, body. As absurd as it sounds, I almost feel as if I was reincarnated into someone I am not. I don't feel at peace with myself. I feel like I'm someone else, but present in the wrong timeline, body, and such. Also, I always took pride in being an interesting person, but turned out I was the very opposite. Started first year of college with three friends, and ended the year with none. My spirit is just crushed.

I find this highly relatable actually. I'm doing really okay everything considered but I genuinely feel like I missed the timeline target by overshooting it by like 100 years. I absolutely hate what the Internet is and there's no getting rid of it, in fact it defines this entire era. I feel like some atomized bugman wageslaving for no greater goal to reach for. I'm a highly traditional person without even being religious so I'm actually like a dead ancient bag of philosophies that nobody agrees with anymore.

 

[Rhymester]

I find this highly relatable actually. I'm doing really okay everything considered but I genuinely feel like I missed the timeline target by overshooting it by like 100 years. I absolutely hate what the Internet is and there's no getting rid of it, in fact it defines this entire era. I feel like some atomized bugman wageslaving for no greater goal to reach for. I'm a highly traditional person without even being religious so I'm actually like a dead ancient bag of philosophies that nobody agrees with anymore.

Nowadays a small number of people understand things such as philosophy. I am beyond surprised by the fact that I attend college, a place where I am supposed to be surrounded by bright minds, yet not a single person there has an idea of what even philosophy means itself. I guess we are just two bright minds born in the wrong time, universe. I do feel happier though that you found this relatable. Feel free to PM me anytime, would love to hear what philosophies you're interested in. My favourite philosopher is Emil Cioran.

 

[my endless blue]

It's both already over and just beginning. I ruined everything and everyone I cherished. It's not a "the world sucks and I don't want to be here" kind of story. More of a "the world is good, and I don't deserve to be here" one. Everything I touch goes to shit. I don't deserve to stand with good people. I don't want to keep burdening those around me. I lost everything, and it's all my fault.
I don't care what happens to me. I won't let them down.

same for me, tbh. i think this world got beautiful things. i think i would succeed if i kept trying just like everybody i know, but i don't think i can, not anymore. i lost everything, everyone, ruined relationship with so many good people that loved and cheered for me and now i feel more alone than never. as you said, it's not like the world sucks, it's ME, i'm the problem, i'm a awful person and i can't keep going knowing how many good people i lost and will keep on losing everyone who deeply cares about me.

 

[bellygirl]

It's mostly due to my abusive wife if I'm being honest, she has screamed at me daily for years and gives me panic attacks regularly. On a regular basis she threatens to divorce me and take everything and the dogs.

For context I'm the only one who had ever worked, I make 300k a year and we live in a million dollar house but nothing is good enough. Her latest rants are how I have to quit my job and move to another state so she can have better shopping malls to go to. I'm too old to start over at a new place but she doesn't care.

I recently had an aneurysm, partly as a result of the stress she puts on me, and am now physically limited on top of a decade of chronic depression and worthlessness

Going back and forth between deciding to end it with occasional glimmers of hope is brutal, but I ordered some SN this week so when it arrives I'm going to a hotel room for a couple of days and checking out

 

[Deleted member 65988]

It's mostly due to my abusive wife if I'm being honest, she has screamed at me daily for years and gives me panic attacks regularly. On a regular basis she threatens to divorce me and take everything and the dogs.

For context I'm the only one who had ever worked, I make 300k a year and we live in a million dollar house but nothing is good enough. Her latest rants are how I have to quit my job and move to another state so she can have better shopping malls to go to. I'm too old to start over at a new place but she doesn't care.

I recently had an aneurysm, partly as a result of the stress she puts on me, and am now physically limited on top of a decade of chronic depression and worthlessness

Going back and forth between deciding to end it with occasional glimmers of hope is brutal, but I ordered some SN this week so when it arrives I'm going to a hotel room for a couple of days and checking out

That's ridiculously selfish of her to so what she's done to you and for all those years you've spent working so she can be comfortable enough to spend as she likes is utterly despicable. I'm so sorry it's even come to this for you.

 

[bellygirl]

That's ridiculously selfish of her to so what she's done to you and for all those years you've spent working so she can be comfortable enough to spend as she likes is utterly despicable. I'm so sorry it's even come to this for you.

I'm far from perfect and made a lot of mistakes, but having your face rubbed in things from 15 years ago on a daily basis grinds you down like you can't believe

I feel unable to make any decisions anymore as anything I do will be wrong and thrown in my face. I never cheated, never was abusive, just worked my ass off to get to the top of my career so she wouldn't have to work a job that she hated like 99% of people do.

She has vile relatives and friends who tell her how terrible I am and how she deserves better, and now she's started posting awful embarrassing stuff on Facebook in order to get sympathy from these women who's husband's left them.

my only comfort for years now has been binge eating to try to deal with the stress but that's damaged my mind and body so much

I actually tried to CTB the other night after a horrible day of being told what an arrogant asshole I am for not wanting to relocate and lose my job, but ironically I realized that the SN I'd bought last month was actually NITRATE and wasn't going to do more than make me nauseous if I drank it.

Was pretty easy to source actual SN and I'm expecting it to arrive today, may check out tomorrow as I don't see anything in my life getting better

 

[GutterBug]

New member here.

Where do I start? I've been abused my whole life in and out of foster care for most of my childhood. My mum passed away and I ended up back with my dad around my teenage years, my dad was abusive but it mentally abusive not physically which was a nice change. Got kicked out when I turned 18 because he couldn't afford to keep me. Moved in with a family friend who was friends with my mother when she was still alive. She started physically and mentally abusing me. Left and moved across the country to live with my long distance boyfriend. He started physically and mentally abusing me. I still live with him now because I see nowhere else to go, I still love him but when he throws me to the ground and chokes me leaving bruises I am starting to grow real weary of this life. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I just took myself out. It's gone to the point where he is beating me almost daily and insults me every hour calling me a useless bitch and a whole bunch of other insults. My body aches all the time. I've never known peace. Life is too hard. Why bother?

 

[FuneralCry]

Because death means true relief from existence and existence itself is the ultimate cause of all suffering. I don't desire existence, it doesn't appeal to me, in fact existence is something so harmful and burdensome, I would prefer permanent peace over slowly decaying from age in an existence where there is unlimited potential to suffer endlessly. Enduring this empty and futile existence fills me with dread and it's just tiring as well. There isn't really a story in my case, I'm just someone who was burdened with the ability to exist and as a result I've always wished for eternal sleep.

 

[404]

my family abused me for not meeting their expectations and being not as knowledgeable as my peers. it lasted for just a few years (i forgot the exact number) before they "calmed down" but it felt like an eternity for me

because of this i have trouble forming relationships with other people and i had no one when i was trying to recover from the abuse

eventually i met someone who was willing to help me get better. i was so happy and relieved that i never once considered hurting or killing myself during my time with him but after a while i realized that i didn't get better at all. when i realized the problem i have he already decided to move on and leave me for good.

now im back from the start...

im very tired of things staying the same. if i try to improve myself everything will just get worse. it's a horrible cycle

i can't even commit suicide peacefully since the only methods i can do is stabbing/drowning which is very horrifying especially the latter imo

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I'm far from perfect and made a lot of mistakes, but having your face rubbed in things from 15 years ago on a daily basis grinds you down like you can't believe

I feel unable to make any decisions anymore as anything I do will be wrong and thrown in my face. I never cheated, never was abusive, just worked my ass off to get to the top of my career so she wouldn't have to work a job that she hated like 99% of people do.

She has vile relatives and friends who tell her how terrible I am and how she deserves better, and now she's started posting awful embarrassing stuff on Facebook in order to get sympathy from these women who's husband's left them.

my only comfort for years now has been binge eating to try to deal with the stress but that's damaged my mind and body so much

I actually tried to CTB the other night after a horrible day of being told what an arrogant asshole I am for not wanting to relocate and lose my job, but ironically I realized that the SN I'd bought last month was actually NITRATE and wasn't going to do more than make me nauseous if I drank it.

Was pretty easy to source actual SN and I'm expecting it to arrive today, may check out tomorrow as I don't see anything in my life getting better

To think her relatives are telling her that she deserves better than all of the hard work you've done in order for her to be comfortable is ridiculous to me. You haven't been perfect, that much can be admitted but she's completely pathetic for what she's done to you,

Lucky, you didn't take the Nitrate otherwise it would've been very,very uncomfortable as a process and not lead to ctb. Whatever happens after this, whether you do go on to ctb tomorrow, I wish the very best and hopefully you have all your things in order before that time comes.

All I need is a scale and then I'm good to go.

 

[my endless blue]

my family abused me for not meeting their expectations and being not as knowledgeable as my peers. it lasted for just a few years (i forgot the exact number) before they "calmed down" but it felt like an eternity for me

because of this i have trouble forming relationships with other people and i had no one when i was trying to recover from the abuse

eventually i met someone who was willing to help me get better. i was so happy and relieved that i never once considered hurting or killing myself during my time with him but after a while i realized that i didn't get better at all. when i realized the problem i have he already decided to move on and leave me for good.

now im back from the start...

im very tired of things staying the same. if i try to improve myself everything will just get worse. it's a horrible cycle

i can't even commit suicide peacefully since the only methods i can do is stabbing/drowning which is very horrifying especially the latter imo

yes, losing people really hurts me too. i'm currently feeling like trash because i just lost someone who deeply cared about me as well. i'm from brazil so it's been really hard to find some good method to finally ctb. life has not been easy and I wish things could be simpler and life/death could be resolved by a simple button, like an on/off. i'm sorry you passed through all of this and hope someday you can find the peace you need and deserve.

 

[tpboy]

I/m not really depressed. I was in a terrible accident that has left me unable to get out of the bed without help. Before that I was super active and had a pretty balanced life.

 

[trashprincess]

Honestly I just suck.

Nobody loved me growing up, and the only help anyone had to offer was telling me how I was wrong. I tried to figure things out on my own, but apparently everything I figured out was wrong so eventually I just stopped trying. It wasn't long before I was just empty inside.

To fill the void I turned to pornography. I was introduced to it at age 10. It let me feel alive, and offered me the transgender representation I subconsciously craved. That was basically my life until age 20 when I discovered drugs were "even better". At this point all that's left of it is the obsessive belief that I only exist to be an object, and the feelings of shame and disgust and that I am forever unworthy of love. But that's more than enough.

Then there's just all the toxicity I was born into. I've seen how horrible my family can be, and how I've been horrible just like them. To me, what keeps me from being like them is the distance I keep from everyone. If I let anyone get close to me, I would just hurt them... But I'm tired of being alone. So tired...

Also I think I'm so ugly that I don't deserve to exist, and will never be pretty in the way I'm supposed to be. And if I'm not pretty than I'll never have value and I might as well just die.

Lastly happiness is my biggest trigger so I don't want to create a life worth living just so it can compell me to ctb. I'm going to hurt everyone in my life. That's all I'll ever do. So the only thing I should worry about is causing as little pain as possible.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

My story is full of sadness, anger, disappointment, failed attempts, suicide. It all started when I got yelled at by Mr. Reip at Thomas Stone Highschool. That was the one of the substantial first times I felt rage at someone screaming at me. He screamed at me because I had to go to the bathroom. Then a time later I had to go to class earl so I ran and bumped into a girl. She got mad at me and screamed at me. This is important because this started my journey.

Another time at the school someone shoved my face into a window while I was looking through it. So I became spiteful. These moments are what made me suicidal. So one day I decided to just end it. I walked barefoot going all the way to watery area near a hotel. I was going to drown myself. The police apprehended me and brought me home.

So then I became crazy. I started to become lazy and I decided to use my suicide as an excuse to not get a job. I looked into false things like paypal generators, survey sites, online "jobs," bitcoin, affiliate marketing, etc. It never worked out and I lost money. My family became angry with me and wanted me to get a job even though I said no stupidly and even though we were in a motel I still refused to work.

A time passes and we move to Richmond, VA. We live here for years. And this was when all the anger really came out. I discovered law of attraction and I really thought I could change my life using it. So I did. Nothing happened. I mean somethings happened but nothing substantial. Had a lot of problems here in the household. Moved onto Law of Assumption. Everything went crazy. My mom yelled at me, my sister yelled at me, my brother snapped at me, I started yelling in the shower, started "manifesting," everything went absolutely crazy.

But still nothing happens. Just losing money and no improvements in lifestyle... up until recently.

Recently like a few months ago we got a washing machine, the arguments stopped, my sister got rich, my mom got herself a teaching job, all is different.

This is actually a short summary of my life. I could on about what my life was actually like but it would be much longer.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Depressed? LOL I wish that was my issue. Why do people assume no other psych disorders lead to suicide?

 

[asiht]

I'm in my 40s. I have severe OCD, bipolar, and PTSD. I can't imagine the idea of living another 30+ years. The OCD is particularly nightmarish sometimes. So my goal for being here is researching the various different methods of suicide so that when the time comes, I'll know how to do it correctly.