I'm a true drug addict. I much prefer drugs over alcohol, and I prefer smoking them. I started using drugs at 14 and haven't stopped since. When I was 14 and completely sober, I had my first suicide attempt and was hospitalized for months, after I got out and was diagnosed with severe depression, I started using drugs. In the beginning it was at parties, binges, experimenting, to escape. I did a lot of binges. First it was weed, ecstasy (swallowing), then cocaine (snorting)... I swore I wouldn't do anything harder or worse. But I got older and hung out with the wrong people and lowered my standards. I was trying to come down from coke once, and was pressured to try smoking heroin. Then I started smoking crack recreationally, also tried meth a few times. Of course I got physically addicted to heroin, it's a different bug from the other drugs, it has a severe physical hold on you, you get to a point where you need to use just to function and get up, and eat food, and go to sleep. I came to a point where I decided I only enjoyed smoking my drugs, I'd rather smoke crack than cocaine. I've never used a needle and have no interest or need to.
It's been 11 years since I got addicted to heroin, a few years after I also started fentanyl mixed. Now I can't go back to just heroin I have to have it properly mixed in fent my way, I don't like doing just any bag of dope. I'm extremely picky about the quality of my drugs, always have been. No one likes shitty weed, or coke, same thing with opiates. I should add that I quit using all other drugs about 8 years ago... now it's just exclusively H/F. If I had a choice I'd be sober or smoke weed sometimes. I've never been homeless or in legal trouble, but I did force myself to prostitute for 8 years, the physical withdrawal sickness is soo sooo horrific. Mine is especially severe, I think everyone has varying degrees of severity, mine was extreme. I couldn't go more than 2 days without, in 11 years. I failed detox twice. I've always stayed with my mom and my siblings at my original home, never left. There is no way I'd survive out there in this condition.
Before my first CTB attempt at 14, I was a fucked up kid. I think I might have borderline personality disorder, I was diagnosed bipolar too at 18. But, nobody wants to help me with my mental health unless I quit using and stay clean for 3 months or so. Not possible. I am self medicating and can't imagine being sober in this life for very long. It terrifies me. I'd rather just die instead. I don't think mental health help will do much, I already am aware of the fucked up world we live in, it's not like there's a wonderful world out there waiting for me lol, it's a real shit show.