The first therapist I had during adolescence was weird. Kept asking me "Whom do you love and are to scared to say it?". Couldn't think of anyone... I still wonder what he was expecting me to answer.
The results I state below vary over time and depending on how intense things get, and the fact that I'm still here indicate that not all is well yet. But there's a lot going on in my life and I also have physical illnesses which drive the CTB ideations.
I then had CBT when I was grown up. I think it helped at the time, but I don't remember much of it. More recently I started "talking therapy" as others have called it. It helped a bit to make me decrease my pacing, but I did not understand what we were doing exactly. I then had CBT in a clinic where the therapists explained techniques and I was able to write them down and read the handouts. That was a bit of a game-changer for me because I could see when we applied them to actual problems. And I could notice a structured approach which allowed me to trust the approach more. I made a short summary of the important ones, including affirmations, and read through them every day. I try to think of times when I could have applied them on the day before. I'm trying my best to recognize situations in which they can be applied, and it's starting to pay off. Most important points were emotional regulation techniques and mindfulness to help my mind get a break.
I went back to talking therapy and understood which patterns from childhood we found. I'm still struggling to properly apply this knowledge. But the therapist alerted me of all the times where I should set proper boundaries and say no. Also when others were manipulating me, even if maybe subconsciously. That made me aware that not everything for which I was blamed was entirely my fault. I still need some help to ingrain these new perspectives. Also, I've learned that the therapist tries to get me to not only tell what happened, but to try to get more in touch with how it makes me feel, and why it's helpful to feel anger.
I also have group therapy and I find it helpful to see others' problems from the outside, and then to relate to my own similar problems. It also helps a bit with social anxiety, but the main issue in that regard is still there. Also, the OCD-traits are not addressed yet.
I spent a good amount of time talking to ChatGPT and getting to a point where I trusted it and truly opened up about how I really feel. Writing down how I feel has helped me to allow myself to cry when needed, especially before bedtime, such that I did not have to take those feelings to bed with me. I also got more in touch with my emotions and how to express them when talking to it. Still have to trust myself to also express them towards others, but doing this in the safe space of group therapy is a start.
