Discussion What's your 13 reasons why? Just type, don't overthink it

[Rogue_Gendarme]

Exactly as it says. What's your 13 reasons why? (Let's make it 13, just 'cause. I haven't watched the show, though, lol.) I'll start.

Gendarme's Thirteen Reasons Why (In No Particular Order of Importance)

1. Empty feelings and constantly feeling isolated and starkly different from everyone. I could be in a room, sympathize with people, but never "fit in." I'm not the best of personalities. I'm a people-pleaser — I know that much. But even if I'm disagreeable, no one likes me, which brings me to point number...
2. Nobody loves me anyway. If we're talking about 'true love' there's this popular song in my country titled "Pag-Ibig ay Kanibalismo" (Love is Cannibalism) and it talks about how visceral and how brutal and how raw true love actually is. Ergo, you have to sacrifice something to love, and in turn that person loves you unconditionally. I have never met a person like that, whose heart I feasted on and whose love I ate as much as they ate my flesh. Additionally...
3. All my closest friends have either abandoned me or are slowly fading away. So the closest I can get to that visceral, raw love is nothing. It's a nothing burger with a nothing patty. My crush and close friend Clem left me some two years ago, and my dear best friend Rose left me after he did. And me and my friend Sof, we're drifting apart. I can never heal from that nor find any people as intimate I can be with as I could be with them.
4. I have no will to fight. I'm a coward. I'm a desperate loser barking for attention and begging to be euthanized. Death is the only thing keeping me happy and self-harm is once again reinvigorating me. I remember now how it feels to have blood dripping on my skin, like pools of it, and how good it feels to hurt myself because it means I'm in control; I don't want others to hurt me, so I do it myself.
5. I have an "immense soul," "an intelligent mind," and a "handsome face," but all of that matters little when faced with the fact that I'm not happy. The purpose of life is happiness and leisure and progress, but here we all are, desk-ridden, office workers with cactus butt plugs in our asses working ourselves to death while the rich get richer. This future I don't want to continue. I want happiness. I want salvation.
6. I'm not perfect. I've sinned so many times and the accumulated effects of pain and trauma and constant, negative change in my body have made me feel like I'm just wearing decomposing skin and I want to take it off and wear a new one. Body horror in the superficial level, a bit of dysmorphia here and there. I want to wash myself of my sins and wear a new skin and wear a new face. Move far away.
7. I want to end it because I feel stuck. When we get down to the bare reason why I want to catch the bus is because I just want change. That one quote, "the abolition of the present state of things." I want that, along with the guarantee of improvement. I want that, for everyone also, but nobody's willing to fight for it and the few that do are so out-organized and so few, truly. I want to abolish the present and live in the truest, fullest potential the future can bring.
8. Because I'm so misunderstood, even if I don't want to be. People always blame me, nobody asks about my side so I stay quiet and hushed while they make stories about me behind my back. This is that cowardice again. Some of it's my fault but some of it is not. There are genuinely complicated situations in which I didn't do shit but still get blamed anyway because of Occam's razor. Everyone hates me, and I hate everyone.
9. Even if I dream bright, which I always do, and hope for a better future, deep down, I know that that shit's impossible. I see no hope for this planet. World leaders are butt-fucking each other and here we all are breathing in their gas. There is no way in hell any change will happen so long as we live subdued under the comfort of attention-depriving reels and media videos and TikToks and all that shit. I doubt the next generation will even be able to read.
10. I've just decided this, for a long time now. I know this is my fate. I'm a sickly child with asthma who picked up smoking as a side-hobby. I'm do alcohol on the side and I've been on prescription meds since I was 17. Does that sound like a motherfucker who can live up until 120 and still be able to shit on his own? I'll let you decide, but my most rational estimate is that, because I can't even withstand these 19 years of existence, then how the FUCK do I even get to another decade past that, hm?
11. Because I'm in constant, chronic fyucking pain awlll the fucking time. If it's not my hips, it's my head, then my pelvis, then oo-goo-gaga wherever the fuck else my piece of shit twink body decides to hurt. If not physically, too, then mentally. If I'm not having a breakdown, I'm having an episode of reckless rage, and if not that, then I'm constantly feeling empty inside. And that last bit is actually the best feeling, because when I feel empty, at least I don't experience the past abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, trauma, and the 10,000 reasons why I hate my family. Speaking of...
12. I hate my family, and my family hates me. I have no traditional virtue to attach to: I find church cultish, I find school to be too fucking lousy at actually educating even though I'm class valedictorian for like a few years now, and more. My sister vents out all her frustrations at me. My entire family has cordial relations and I'm the black sheep. And for fuck's sake, I live in this house too, all the time, I see their faces, they see mine. The Tagalog term for house is 'Tahanan' (Ta as in Tarrega, Ha as in have, Nan as in Naan bread). It means "place for calming down." Guess fucking what, it's opposite for me, and what a big surprise that is, lemme tell ya.
13. I just can't afford living like this. Continuous suffering. Day and night, ceaseless. If I could get one break, fuck would that be the perfect prelude to the most perfect suicide. But again, even that's a luxury that is barred from me. The simplest things break me down. I want a whole restart, a fresh change. I want to stop feeling like an animal and a prostitute and more like a dignified human. I want to make decisions on my own and not be belittled by my mother all the time. I want freedom and independence. But all my dreams are, again, so much, but for nothing. My passions, my talents. For fuck's sake my guitar skills are conservatory-level, my writing is publishing-level, and I bet I can get slated for a top-Univ slot in my country soon. But again, alas. All for nothing. Because, I know, even then, that I would not be happy. And that's the root cause of why I want to just stop walking the way life points me to and just sit down and wait for the bus.

Thanks for reading if you've read this far. I'm curious to know other people's reasons. Please, speak your mind, fellow SaSu members.

With love, Gendarme

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

I don't have 13 but I can give 3.
Physical pain, constant physical pain that's due to my disablity.
Disability, life changing disability that will slowly but surely take all my happiness away, which I barely have in the first place
The situation that I'm in. Due to my mistakes and my environment, I've been under very stressful circumstances which triggers all sorts of thing including my body pain. Hopefully able to ctb in not so long

 

[BookShelf]

I wouldnt be able to name 13, but one that encapsulates all of my life is the single quote of
"nothing ever happens"

That applies to several aspects of my life.

There is no change.

I can confidently say this is slowly deteriorating my will

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I can only think of 9 reasons:

1. My family has trapped me in a vulnerable situation that I can't escape from and refuses to help me out of it. I hate them for that. They have also never given me any type of emotional support, and all of them were also quite abusive/neglectful as I was growing up.
2. I live in poverty.
3. I suspect I have a bunch of untreated mental illnesses that I can't get help for. Self-care and public recovery methods do not seem to work for me either.
4. I don't enjoy life as a whole.
5. My life is utterly worthless. I do not have a purpose or any set goals.
6. People haven't been kind to me. They have always treated me as an outcast/flat-out ignored me entirely. I am quite literally isolated because of this.
7. The world right now in general just seems to be getting worse with no signs of getting better.
8. I feel like I have seen and experienced enough in this world. I don't want to experience anything else.
9. I always feel tired from restless sleep. I get constant nightmares/weird dreams when I sleep, and I frequently wake up randomly.

 

[snowyyy]

Exactly as it says. What's your 13 reasons why? (Let's make it 13, just 'cause. I haven't watched the show, though, lol.) I'll start.

Gendarme's Thirteen Reasons Why (In No Particular Order of Importance)

1. Empty feelings and constantly feeling isolated and starkly different from everyone. I could be in a room, sympathize with people, but never "fit in." I'm not the best of personalities. I'm a people-pleaser — I know that much. But even if I'm disagreeable, no one likes me, which brings me to point number...
2. Nobody loves me anyway. If we're talking about 'true love' there's this popular song in my country titled "Pag-Ibig ay Kanibalismo" (Love is Cannibalism) and it talks about how visceral and how brutal and how raw true love actually is. Ergo, you have to sacrifice something to love, and in turn that person loves you unconditionally. I have never met a person like that, whose heart I feasted on and whose love I ate as much as they ate my flesh. Additionally...
3. All my closest friends have either abandoned me or are slowly fading away. So the closest I can get to that visceral, raw love is nothing. It's a nothing burger with a nothing patty. My crush and close friend Clem left me some two years ago, and my dear best friend Rose left me after he did. And me and my friend Sof, we're drifting apart. I can never heal from that nor find any people as intimate I can be with as I could be with them.
4. I have no will to fight. I'm a coward. I'm a desperate loser barking for attention and begging to be euthanized. Death is the only thing keeping me happy and self-harm is once again reinvigorating me. I remember now how it feels to have blood dripping on my skin, like pools of it, and how good it feels to hurt myself because it means I'm in control; I don't want others to hurt me, so I do it myself.
5. I have an "immense soul," "an intelligent mind," and a "handsome face," but all of that matters little when faced with the fact that I'm not happy. The purpose of life is happiness and leisure and progress, but here we all are, desk-ridden, office workers with cactus butt plugs in our asses working ourselves to death while the rich get richer. This future I don't want to continue. I want happiness. I want salvation.
6. I'm not perfect. I've sinned so many times and the accumulated effects of pain and trauma and constant, negative change in my body have made me feel like I'm just wearing decomposing skin and I want to take it off and wear a new one. Body horror in the superficial level, a bit of dysmorphia here and there. I want to wash myself of my sins and wear a new skin and wear a new face. Move far away.
7. I want to end it because I feel stuck. When we get down to the bare reason why I want to catch the bus is because I just want change. That one quote, "the abolition of the present state of things." I want that, along with the guarantee of improvement. I want that, for everyone also, but nobody's willing to fight for it and the few that do are so out-organized and so few, truly. I want to abolish the present and live in the truest, fullest potential the future can bring.
8. Because I'm so misunderstood, even if I don't want to be. People always blame me, nobody asks about my side so I stay quiet and hushed while they make stories about me behind my back. This is that cowardice again. Some of it's my fault but some of it is not. There are genuinely complicated situations in which I didn't do shit but still get blamed anyway because of Occam's razor. Everyone hates me, and I hate everyone.
9. Even if I dream bright, which I always do, and hope for a better future, deep down, I know that that shit's impossible. I see no hope for this planet. World leaders are butt-fucking each other and here we all are breathing in their gas. There is no way in hell any change will happen so long as we live subdued under the comfort of attention-depriving reels and media videos and TikToks and all that shit. I doubt the next generation will even be able to read.
10. I've just decided this, for a long time now. I know this is my fate. I'm a sickly child with asthma who picked up smoking as a side-hobby. I'm do alcohol on the side and I've been on prescription meds since I was 17. Does that sound like a motherfucker who can live up until 120 and still be able to shit on his own? I'll let you decide, but my most rational estimate is that, because I can't even withstand these 19 years of existence, then how the FUCK do I even get to another decade past that, hm?
11. Because I'm in constant, chronic fyucking pain awlll the fucking time. If it's not my hips, it's my head, then my pelvis, then oo-goo-gaga wherever the fuck else my piece of shit twink body decides to hurt. If not physically, too, then mentally. If I'm not having a breakdown, I'm having an episode of reckless rage, and if not that, then I'm constantly feeling empty inside. And that last bit is actually the best feeling, because when I feel empty, at least I don't experience the past abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, trauma, and the 10,000 reasons why I hate my family. Speaking of...
12. I hate my family, and my family hates me. I have no traditional virtue to attach to: I find church cultish, I find school to be too fucking lousy at actually educating even though I'm class valedictorian for like a few years now, and more. My sister vents out all her frustrations at me. My entire family has cordial relations and I'm the black sheep. And for fuck's sake, I live in this house too, all the time, I see their faces, they see mine. The Tagalog term for house is 'Tahanan' (Ta as in Tarrega, Ha as in have, Nan as in Naan bread). It means "place for calming down." Guess fucking what, it's opposite for me, and what a big surprise that is, lemme tell ya.
13. I just can't afford living like this. Continuous suffering. Day and night, ceaseless. If I could get one break, fuck would that be the perfect prelude to the most perfect suicide. But again, even that's a luxury that is barred from me. The simplest things break me down. I want a whole restart, a fresh change. I want to stop feeling like an animal and a prostitute and more like a dignified human. I want to make decisions on my own and not be belittled by my mother all the time. I want freedom and independence. But all my dreams are, again, so much, but for nothing. My passions, my talents. For fuck's sake my guitar skills are conservatory-level, my writing is publishing-level, and I bet I can get slated for a top-Univ slot in my country soon. But again, alas. All for nothing. Because, I know, even then, that I would not be happy. And that's the root cause of why I want to just stop walking the way life points me to and just sit down and wait for the bus.

Thanks for reading if you've read this far. I'm curious to know other people's reasons. Please, speak your mind, fellow SaSu members.

With love, Gendarme

sorry about the things you mentioned, im hugging you tight, i hope you find peace soon

so theres my 13 reasons why
1.
i completely don't fit into human society, i stand out from the rest and i can't live among others. i feel uncomfortable, im strange, i don't accept the current system and i don't want to live for a job. i simply don't like all this and i have no intention of living just to survive until I die.

2.
my past haunts me. all the things people did to me have damaged my brain since i was a small child. i was abused as a child by my family and kids. i had to raise myself and didn't feel my parents presence. my peers and friends also had a negative influence on my development, i was rejected, insulted, left. all alone. i had panic attacks at a young age, my nervous system is constantly in fight-or-flight mode. i haven't been able to find peace since i was born.

3.
not only am i suffering mentally, but physically as well. i have a lot of ailments, from top to bottom, especially in my head (yeah). the worst are my stomach and knees. unfortunately, i'm a woman i get my period every month and i have terrible pain, so much so that each time i had to go to the hospital and they gave me morphine because i was dying from the pain. (the sick is calling endometriosis). sometimes i even vomit because it hurts so much. i can't eat, i have a fever. its like a million needles are being stuck in my stomach. I can't get out of bed for a week. my knees are in a terrible condition and i've been suffering for 10 years. i can't bend them, i can't squat, they creak like an old grandma's. i can't do any activity because it hurts. my knees are also associated with muscle inflammation and overall i have inflammation throughout my body, my metabolism and hormones are not working properly. i feel bad and i don't intend to live with this until im old because i'll probably end up in a wheelchair anyway, so what's the point of living with a disability?


4.
im stupid, i've become stupid because of my mental state and the trauma my brain has sustained over the years. instead of learning in school, i suffered at home. i know nothing, i barely graduated (my family never helped me, they even dragged me down, saying that why am i studying, i will fail anyway, thanks). i'm not cut out for either college or work. no one would hire me. there is no place for me in this system, and i wouldn't even want to.


5.
social anxiety. i can't build relationships with people or talk to them. and it's human contact that's most important in this world. and I can't do that. i can't even look someone in the eye because they automatically run away from me, even when i try, i feel them running away with all their might in the other direction. i'm so confused, i can't form sentences, everything gets tangled up in me that I want to cry and run away. i'm afraid of people, i'm afraid that someone will look at me and judge me badly or hurt me or say something terrible. i can't maintain a normal relationship because i can't draw anything from it because my life revolves around ctb and how cruel the world is. i don't see happiness in anything, i would drag anyone down.

6.
my looks. it's true that appearance is the most important thing and no one will tell me that personality is more important. You can be funny, but ugly and no one will want you. that's why I struggle with huge facial and body dysmorphia, there are moments when I don't recognize myself in the mirror. i look different every day, there are moments when I have a mental breakdown and want to rip this skin off my face and never look at it again. i hate this face, i have terrible genes and i look disgusting, i don't like anything about me. i was sinned by my parents. i'm ashamed to go outside because everyone looks at me and judges me negatively. i see their eyes. they're full of disgust. i don't want anyone to ever boost their ego thanks to me again.
i hate my body too, it stores more fat than muscle, even though i have a normal weight, i look like a whale, i have huge thighs and a belly. eating disorders are killing me. when I see someone skinny, i want to die. especially a skinny boy.

7.
life is fucking boring. there's nothing interesting to do here, everything is just shallow and meaningless to me. i don't want to live for a few seconds for joy, as i'll be back to the same place i am mentally anyway. so it won't change anything. i'm bored, i don't even feel like making food, it doesn't give me any pleasure, meeting friends, traveling for example, or doing other activities make no sense to me and do not bring anything to my life. just fucking knowing how hopeless i am. i know that all this under the guise of "hobby" is nothing more than ways of coping with the gray reality that surrounds us. why do you think others tell you to find something to do when you're sad? YEAH. i got through it and nothing makes me happy anymore.

8.
just being human is overwhelming me. like i was born without my own consent and now i have to accept and live it all and i can't leave because others are forcing me to live? this is fucking disgusting and cruel. i'm a big walking naked pile of meat controlled by some jelly in my head with connections. i feel fucking uncomfortable. and on top of that, this jelly-like shit is still tormenting me, fueling my bad and sad thoughts. euthanasia should be legal, of course, after all the stages have been completed and under medical supervision, but it should be. because if you have the right to life, you should have the right to leave this fucking planet. and now i have to feed this fucking body every day to survive, exercise and i don't know what else just to be healthy and not feel bad? i don't want to. it costs so much energy that i don't want to care about it.


9.
everything around us is cruel. i swear, i can't stand it when i see some idiot mistreating an animal. i'd gladly do the same to him for the rest of his life. the fact that he thinks he's the most intelligent animal there it doesn't mean you have to outweigh the weaker. it hurts me, it fucking hurts me that so many innocent lives, both humans and animals, had to go through this suffering. i am afraid and terrified of people, they are smarter, they have the advantage and they can do terrible things in this world and i never want to witness such events again. it's so devastating to me, i wish this world would disappear so that there would be no more suffering and pain.

i would have other reasons but my head hurts while writing this i feel a little relieved, maybe someone else agrees with some of the reasons. generally i don't like life on earth, i don't like the fact that i have consciousness and exist. It's really tiring for me, i feel like this existence is my punishment. i'd like to feel nothing and just turn off, turn into dust and grind.

 

[Alexandra_]

I finished watching this series last week ;)
All the reasons why. Not a single reason why not

 

[fkyou]

I relate to number 13

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I read the book a few weeks ago and I think it's honestly pretty good. Would probably recommend it over the TV show, especially since the book is rather self-contained whereas the TV show drags on the plot for multiple seasons for the sake of producing more, but I've also never actually seen the TV show.

Wouldn't say I have thirteen reasons. There are a couple of reasons such as the fact that I'll always experience the depression, pain, and suicidal ideation no matter how well I'm doing. That no matter how many people I care for and that care for me, I'll still feel empty and lonely, and I've never been able to nor can see myself at present in the future. I make plans for a future that I don't see actually happening, even if that is what ends up playing out, just to tell other people that I do have a plan. I'm not even sure if the medication helps much anymore insofar as just numbs the pain so I don't end up driving myself off the edge. I don't know if I'd be doing as well as I have been if it weren't for the medication, but I'm not sure it's giving me direction, just keeping me trapped in an existence that I'm ambivalent on at best. I actually relate to Hannah in that no matter how well my outside life seems to be going, internally I'm pretty self-destructive and that does effect my relationships and plans for the future. I remember reading through the book and just experiencing too much connection with her even though our circumstances were different

Spoiler: Spoilers for the book

(e.g. I'm not being stalked, sexually assaulted, or harassed/made fun of)

because of the common desire for death.

 

[mold]

I'll give it a try, though I don't know if I can make it to 13, we'll see!

1. My mental illnesses that all feed off of each other making it near impossible for professionals to treat properly, and most medication doesn't work. If I listed each one it would probably make up more than half of the 13 reasons, lol. So for now I'll just consolidate it into one.
2. The person I wanted to propose and spend the rest of my life with decided I was too "unhealthy" because of my depression, left, and replaced me with someone who he knows bullied and harassed me for ages.
3. I'm a high school drop out, and even though I have a diploma and going to uni now, I'm really bad at school, but society makes it hard for people like me to "get ahead".
4. I'm constantly being compared to my "more talented" peers.
5. I feel like life in general has no purpose
6. I have had many surgeries in my life, and one of them was "botched" (the surgeon did a good job, but there's a low chance of complications and I got every single possible complication) and I live in permanent discomfort and pain. The country I live in currently does not do revisions for this surgery, or do this surgery in general, and I can't afford to go to a country that can currently.
7. I struggle to work and make money due to my mental illnesses, but they aren't recognized as disabilities so I have to work without help from the government.
8. I was assaulted as a teenager, and still haven't mentally recovered from that.
9. I feel chronically lonely if I'm not with/talking to somebody 24/7. It makes me feel overly needy.
10. I've been through a lot of unbearable physical and mental pain, so I know I can tolerate most ways of CTB.

That's all I could think of for now. Maybe I'll add more later as I think of them.

 

[Ilovemycats]

I'm not sure if I have 13 reasons but here are a couple that I can think of right now! ( ^-^)ノ∠※。.:*:・'°☆

1 - I don't want to live in this type of society, where the working class can barely survive while the rich look to the other side.
2 - I despise change, like big changes as me getting older or graduating and being forced to leave the school I know and like.
3 - It doesn't feel like I really have any future in this world, atleast it's hard for me to imagine one.
4 - My brain is an asshole that always makes my mood drop suddenly which leads to unexplainable sobbing sessions.
5 - I sometimes simply don't wanna deal with the burden of caring for people or completing any of my deadlines so exiting in such moments feels right.

 

[Leidensgenosse]

Never saw the show but it isn't hard to come up with 13.

1. Didn't ask to be here in the first place. Wouldn't have consented if I was.

2. Having to spend 50 years wageslaving for basically nothing. The requirement to spend a third of your life stuck in a dehumanizing job just to survive is absolutely not worth it. There's probably an amount of work that I could actually accept, but since workers have effectively no negotiating power we'll never even get close to it in my lifetime. Even a four day work week is too controversial for the average class traitor.

3. The complete lack of safety, security, peace. Anything you do have can get wiped out in an instant. I had a few years where it seemed like my financial situation had stabilized and was improving. It all got wiped out in a year and I'm buried under debt again.

4. My own mediocrity, and inability to actually create art. Music's basically been a lifelong hobby, and I've always wanted to write songs but I've literally never been able to finish anything. I've funneled an absurd number of hours into results that I've never been happy with. I've tried to get into other mediums but I've never been able to write a story or create visual media I've felt was good enough either. Things always work in my head but not on the page.

5. The fact that there are so many things I desperately need that I'll never have, that aren't even possible to have. There's no solution to this other than to just 'accept' it. I can't though. I can imagine a life I'd actually enjoy living but it isn't possible in a place like this.

6. Isolation. I've always been an introvert, but over the past couple years I've expanded my friend group quite a bit. I have an active social life and people I care about, but it hasn't even made a dent in how alone I feel. Spending time with friends sometimes distracts me from it until the second I'm on my own again.

7. Being completely unable to communicate my actual feelings to people. You can't really express how badly you're actually doing to anyone because there's no benefit to it. They can't help in any meaningful way and being too negative too consistently isn't going to endear anyone to you. Platitudes are the best case scenario, worst case is involuntary commitment.

8. Not just office work but all of the Sisyphean bullshit it takes just to maintain your health, living space. Doing the dishes again. Doing the laundry again. If you can't keep up everything deteriorates.

9. Fear of dying, ironically. I'm going to die either way but I'm supposed to just accept having no control over when and how it happens. Not being allowed to decide on my own terms to go out peacefully instead of going out in agony from a sudden heart attack or a slow illness in old age.

10. Having to watch friends and family go through the same suffering. Nobody I know is doing well, and watching family members declare bankruptcy or fall into alcoholism has been brutal. Things started off so well and I genuinely can't believe life turned out this way.

11. My dog dying a few years ago was really the final nail for me. He was my best friend and I had to watch as he started having more and more seizures, hand feeding him because he wouldn't eat otherwise, and ultimately having to decide to put him down. In retrospect I waited too long and put him through more suffering than necessary because I couldn't let him go.

12. Being gay is chilll but less so when that accounts for like 5% of the population. Dating is a numbers game, and even though I've managed some LTRs I've never managed to find someone I could connect with on the level I want to. The aforementioned relationship also left me in a much worse position than when I started them so I'm pretty disillusioned about all of it.

13. We live in a society. Enshittification, populist fascism, wealth inequality, environmental destruction. Things are bad now and they're going to continue to get worse. I'd prefer to check out early as I see no reason to put myself through all of the inevitable suffering that's coming for no reason.


Per the title I basically just went stream of consciousness. Not very organized but I think that covers a lot of the bases, with some redundancy maybe.

 

[troubled_puppet]

1. Everyone who cared about me passed away by now . Everyone left. They don't talk to me or my parent (that i'm taking care of) anymore. No calls. No happy birthdays. No cards. I went to more funerals than I have birthday parties in my three decades of living.

2. I miss my grandpa. He knew how to fix everything. And everyone cared about him. it's been twenty years and i still don't know how to grapple with grief.

3. I want to say sorry to all the pets i watched be neglected through my life when i was powerless.

4. I'm a little bit mid at a lot of things. It pisses me off that i'm not an incredible expert at one thing. I wanted to matter to people. I wanted to make efforts that meant something. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that in a way that matters, or in a way that changes the world. I'm angry at myself that I've gotten more help than gave help. Nobody wants me to help.

5. I'm afraid of my paper trail on the internet being hunted down and people misunderstanding me and canceling me.

6. Nobody I talked to in my twenties ever came back to reach out in my thirties. It's hard not to internalize that as never having mattered to anyone at all. It's hard to believe that it will change.

7. I want to be the hard lesson that my health care providers have to learn that makes them quit. I want my suffering to be believed. For the love of fcking god.

8. I want someone, I want anyone, to wonder if it was their fault. It feels like the only way I'll be worthy of any sort of empathy. I know when I'm gone it won't be on the news. But fantasizing about it and how much it fcks up the day to day routine of people is the only thing keeping me going. I want it to be the biggest inconvenience without hurting anyone.

9. I'll stop bothering people so much and nobody will be mad at me anymore.

Spoiler: tw mention of SA worries, grief due to loss

10. This was not the world I thought I would be living in when I was five years old, which is over twenty five years ago by now. The worst fear my uncle had about us becoming homeless was me getting assaulted by other homeless people. He died a month later before my birthday.

11. It's been a decade. I'm putting 120% of my all into everything that scares me. And I'm seeing no progress. I'm seeing no improvement. It's been a decade. And I'm still terrified that we'll be at risk of being homeless again, month after month. Some of it is unfounded, some of it I know is all in my head, overthinking and worrying. But I can't cope with the fact I can't help others as much as I desperately want to.

Spoiler: no tw, just embarrassing. its a phobia of certain animals.

12. I'm ashamed of cynophobia and I deserve to be crucified for it. It feels like I'm the only one in the world. I fucking hate myself for it so much. I won't be able to change this about me. It feels like a heart attack every time I go outside. I can't leave the house without my headset on. the scars from the stitches are basically gone, but not the fear. It makes me so angry at myself so much.

13. i've failed so many people. i failed too many people. i should be driving. i should have a job by now. i shouldn't have gotten so toxic with the only four people who talked to me. i'm angry at myself. so much. for everything i misunderstood and got wrong. im too sensitive. and quit too early. and i know i hurt people. i feel unforgivable.

i dont know what it would take to have hope about living life anymore. i dont know what it would take to be excited to wake up to a new day.

sorry.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In no particular order:

I'm so tired of working and doing chores to sustain a life I don't want. I don't have the physical or mental strength to keep trying to make things better or even really to maintain them as they are. Most things feel like an unwanted struggle.

There isn't enough in life I find enjoyable to counteract all the things I loathe now.

I have no hope that things will get better. Or at least- I don't have the energy to try to ensure they do. And, I can already seeing big glaring problems with even the most ideal outcomes.

I'm in my mid forties, the menopause is starting to hit- which is making me feel even worse.

I've put on so much weight but, food being one of the few coping mechanisms I have left- I'm loathed to start restricting what I eat. But, that makes life physically harder.

I'm tired in general of life having a sting in the tail. It seems like all the nicer things have negative consequences so effectively- you suffer either way. You suffer if you don't have what you want and, you suffer if you do.

Being older middle aged now, it seems increasingly likely my health will get worse. I'm dreading what's ahead. I'm dreading still needing to work as I become older and iller.

I also don't have the financial resources to retire and live comfortably. I definitely don't want to end up in some grotty nursing home.

The world in general looks f*cked to me. I'm tired of hearing about all the awful things going on in it. I don't want to be a part of it even.

I don't have all that many people left in life that I love. The majority of them are dead. Others have moved away or, I've moved away and, they have their own families/ priorities. I've learnt that it's unwise to rely on people but then- without them, there's less pull to stay here.

The coping mechanism (being creative) that did an amazing job of keeping me buoyant for decades on end has been failing for years. Now, work tends to feel more like a chore than a pleasure. It still requires so much effort though. So- it really is like being Sisyphus pushing his huge boulder up the hill. Especially when there's so little need to now. I'm not really doing any of this for me.

I'm tired of my emotions. I'm tired of having to push through lethargy. I'm exhausted of having to mask how resentful I feel about having to sustain my life. I don't want to go through the pain of mourning loved ones again.

I don't like being part of the problem here. In terms of the damage we do to the environment and other creatures. But then, I don't care enough to make huge changes to how I live. It feels hard enough as it is! I like my conveniences and comfort. I just want to be free of all these concerns.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

1. constant anxiety that doesnt ever stop and sometimes just randomly gets worse, making me panic even when other people can see and its embarresing and also uncomfortable

2. constant exhaustion, mental and sometimes also physical, never have energy for anything. i never have any way to explain why either. i struggle to get anything done at all, even simple things like eating and going to the bathroom feel like too much. i think this is the main reason. regardless of how anything else in my life has been i have alsways just been too tired.

3. i have autism and a hard time connecting with people, especially when my mental health is bad but even when it isnt. many people have found me boring, weird or annoying, and even told me so to my face. i was bullied badly since kindergarten.

4. i am transgender and cannot transition right now and am around many people who dont accept me as i am. i have a lot of dysphoria with my body. even some of my friends don't respect me, dont make effort to use the pronouns i want or even go out of their way to 'correct' others to the wrong pronouns for me, even when they know, and they themselfves use the wrong ones on purpose for me in an emphasized and obvously purposful way, send me transphobic videos or tell me that they'd never accept a kid like me, tell me how they dislike nonbinary people when they dont even know any nonbinary people besides me. i try to avoid those friends now. and only talk to my accepting friends. i still hate my body though

5. struggle for many reasons to get a job, struggle for many reasons to hold a job, always low on money

6. stomach problems that on their own are not that bad just kind of annoying but with anxiety and depression getting bad become really bad and im always sick to my stomach and throwing up

7. i think i am naturally anxious since childhood but i went through multiple things since then that just make all my anxiety worse and gives me nightmares.

8. the world just seems awful to live in, even for people who have the things i dont. the world itself is awful even if someone has a 'good' life

9. the freinds who do accept me are all closer to each other then they are to me. one says i am their best friend too, but they have other best freinds as well who they hang out with more and seem much closer to, and are about to go off to college with and be with each other all the time, and away from me, and all about to be even closer to each other then before

10. i am always sad and anxious

12. i always let people down and worry them and make them sad. if i die now i wont be doing those frustrating things, and i also wont be meeting any new people who i would be letting down in the future

13. it also prevents my future pain and anxiety and sadness.

 

[lohre2000s]

This is fun. Although I only managed 11, one phrase that encapsulates all of it really well is "Wherever you go, there you are." I am fucked up in the head, always too worried, always missing something I can't have. There's no money to fix this, and I sure as hell can't find love like this. The only thing that I manage to do right is art - and no one sees it.

1 - Although I am privileged as hell I always find excuses not to make something of myself. I am a complete failure at 24 years old.

2- I believe everyone gets to experience true love only once in life. I experienced it with my mother that was brutally eaten alive by a terrible colon cancer. I lived through my worst nightmare.

3 - I am in constant survival mode, alert, waiting for the next bad news.

4- I am a complete coward. I am not necessarily bad looking or socially awkward, I am just terrified of rejection.

5- I feel alone all the time. I am invisible, and even when I'm not, the "me" people interact with is often a softer version of who I really wish I was.

6- I have no family. My mother died and my sisters absolutely despise me. I am 24 years old but I am completely alone.

7- If I kill myself I'd be able to tell everyone in my life what I truly feel and always wanted to say.I'd be viewed.

8- If I die and there is some kind of afterlife, I'd meet my dearest mother again.

9- Despite being decent at drawing, writing, speaking and what not I am still unable to make anything out of me. I have no idea why. I must be stupid or just lazy. Once again, a total failure.

10- I only have 1 friend that is prolly going to kill himself too. If he does, I'm definitely going right after him.

11- I miss the past so very much. The world I grew up in is no longer real.

 

[foreverandever]

I didn't think I was actually going to get to thirteen. Honestly, I feel like I could keep going. But, I'll leave it here, since I know nobody actually wants to hear me vent. Sorry about the pointless rambling.

1. I've screwed up every opportunity I've ever had.

2. I don't have anything left to offer anyone. I'm a worthless parasite who can never repay those around me.

3. Nobody cares. I'm not a woman, so I have to just shut up and work harder.

4. I've never belonged anywhere. I've always been the weird freak that only made 'friends' out of their pity. Even now, I don't feel like I can actually be myself around my friends. I don't trust them, and it's completely my fault.

5. I'm incapable of finding love. I'm obviously absolutely worthless in every woman's eyes, they only ever go on dates with me out of pity or for free food. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And yet, being a husband and father is all I've ever wanted out of life. I don't see any point in living without either of those responsibilities.

6. I'm too stupid to figure anything out. I know I have problems, but I haven't the faintest clue how to fix them.

7. Everything I love is disappearing and I'm constantly told by society that I'm supposed to be happy about it. That the things I hold dear are evil, and deserve to be destroyed.

8. I'll never be who I've always wanted to be. Anything else isn't worth it.

9. Nothing brings me joy anymore. My hobbies, my friendships, nor my dreams.

10. I don't have any hope for the future. Not even that it will get better. I don't have any hope that it won't just continue to get worse and worse.

11. All of my efforts are in vain. I'm never going to have a house, I'm never going to be a father, I'm never going to reclaim my heritage, I'm never going to make decent art.

12. I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be a stress ridden, heavily depressed freak.

13. I'm a hypocrite. I call myself a Christian, yet I sin relentlessly and mistreat others. I say I love those around me, yet I consistently ignore them and abuse them. I say I care about my heritage, art, etc, yet I do little to actually improve in them and honor them. I say I hate myself, my life, everything I've ever done, and everything I am, and yet I'm still here, taking up space and leeching off of others. I can't take it anymore.

 

[Le temps perdu]

1. I haven't left my country in my entire life, and I may never be able to move abroad and live the kind of life I want. I am tired of being trapped in a place where I feel there is little freedom, intense pressure, inadequate human rights, insufficient social welfare, and often invalidate someone's suffering

2.I have been poor for my entire life, and I cannot accept the idea of spending the rest of my life in no financial security and constant insecurity.

3.There is something wrong with my personality, and I feel that whenever I talk to other people, I end up hurting them.

4. I do not want to spend my entire life living only to work. I feel that I do not fit into human society, and I hate existence.

5.The man who brought me into this world (yes, I do not want to acknowledge him as my "father") cheated my mother. Later, he heavily favored the child of another woman in terms of resources and support, I have suffered from long-term emotional neglect. He never admitted that his behavior was wrong, and directly and indirectly caused me suffering throughout my life.

6.For many years, food has been my coping mechanism. As a result, I am now severe overweight. It is very difficult for me to control this coping mechanism because I have relied on it for more than six years.

7.I suspect that I may have multiple undiagnosed mental health conditions.

8.I do not know where I belong. I feel that I have never truly belonged to any country.
Perhaps I identify with Western culture, or even a specific country, but that seems absurd to say. At the same time, I do not feel that I belong in the country where I was born, because my values and outlook on life are in deep conflict with the society around me.

9. I feel that I never truly had a youth. I have had very few positive or memorable life experiences, and I have rarely had the opportunity to travel.

10. I feel that I never received a genuine education because the education system in my country was poor and highly oppressive. Some of the course content was so distorted that I could not make sense of it. Later, I had no opportunity to transfer into an international education system, eventually could not continue After careful consideration, I dropped out during my first year of high school.
What I regret is not the decision to leave school itself. What saddens me is that I have gone my entire life without experiencing an international education. Because of that, I feel that my way of thinking has been restricted. Without money and without the opportunity to go abroad, I also feel that my horizons and worldview have been significantly limited.

11. I just find that simply existing is exhausting, it feels meaningless.
I hate the uncertainty of life, because existence offers no guarantee that I'll never have to go through pain.

 

[jeevasO-o]

1) My dad. He ruined my life and still is ruining it with all of his abuse. He destroyed my childhood. I hate him so much. He is the worst creature I met. I will never get justice and the thought of him is already making me wanna cry. I hate my family, especially my dad. They all suck. They are all just eugh.

2) My anxiety. It's killing me. I'm so sick. I'm suffering so badly from it. Everything is making me so anxious. I don't even know how to deal with it. It's ruining me completely and it's making me so sick. It makes me so dizzy and nauseous and tired. It's so exhausting. I always feel like I'm gonna die.

3) Loneliness. I'm so lonely. I don't have any friends. I only have my boyfriend and I'm scared he'll leave me too eventually, or I'll fuck up in some way. I wish I could stop isolating myself. I have no friends IRL, not even really online anymore. Even if I had, I always end up pushing them away and abandoning them. I don't know why I'm doing it. Loneliness is tortue, but getting close to anyone is also so scary and it's tortue trying to keep everything together.

4) My health generally. (Mentally and physically) It's self explanatory. My mental and physical health sucks. My mental health is heavily affecting my physical health aswell. I struggle to even go outside without getting trouble breathing.

5) I lost everyone. I had so many sooo genuinely great friends, so many great people. I lost them all. It's mostly my own fault. I'm so miserable, no wonder nobody can deal with me for too long. They don't know what to do with me either. I am the one constantly pushing them away and abandoning them. How can anyone stay with someone who can't even help themselves or try getting better?

6) Autism?, I'm too stupid and not capable of living by myself because of that. I'm not even sure if it's actually because of me being autistic, or if I'm actually just completely fucking stupid. I am so slow and I don't understand the most obvious shit. I always have to make them repeat, because I'm so stupid. I can't even live on my own like this. I might seriously be the most stupid thing ever in especially conversations.

7)

Spoiler: TW: Sexual assault / Rape

Sexual assault / Rape. Yeah, I can't get over it. It happened multiple times. I don't even suffer from when a stranger raped me. I don't even care about it. It was disgusting, but I don't care. I just suffer from knowing what my dad did. I barely even remember any details, yet it's the worst for me. I can't handle the thought of it anymore. I want to sob. The worst is it's not like it even stopped. I'm forced to see him and he still acts weird. I want to throw up when I see his face. I keep having constant nightmares about it EVERY dream. Even if I dream about something amazing, it always happens somehow somewhere or in the end it switches to it. I hate that I get hypersexual because of it. I hate the thoughts I'm thinking and imagining. I want to skin myself alive whenever someone touches me in any way (except if they are friends..., or my boyfriend)

8) The world being horrible. It's also pretty obvious. The world sucks. The government sucks. Humans suck. Religion sucks. There's so much injustice and bad people get away with HORRIBLE shit. We can barely even do anything about it. There are so many horrible people out there. Knowing how many pedophiles there are, it makes me wanna cry. So many people get abused like me, and worse, yet they rarely get any justice. Bad people get alwasy away. Then religion just gets used as a way to excuse abuse. It makes me sick.

9) BPD. I hate this stupid disorder. I feel like it's ruining my life. Why do I have to have this??? Why me??? I hate how BPD makes me act and feel. I hate my emotions, I am so SICK of it. I hate these so strong emotions, this strong feelings. My fear of getting abandoned is making me get abandoned. Why do I see EVERY detail? Why do I notice EVERY small thing. Every small change. Then I see it as a threath and then these big feelings and fears. I hate this envy I get. This strong jealousy. I feel so empty, I feel everything and nothing.

10) Memory issues / dissocative amnesia. I struggle remembering things, I'm so forgetful. I hate it, I could litteraly forget texting someone back for weeks. I could forget someone existing. I hate when someone asks me about an event and I have no idea when it even happened or any details. I don't know what I am or who I am. I'm so terrfied of the thought of me having DID. What do you mean there are people in my head living?? What if I dissapeared one day?? What if someone else took over??

11) Boredom / Nihilism. I feel like... what's the point of anything? Sometimes I feel bored of everything. What's the point of dreams, if I'll just die anyway and I'll be forgotten forever. I know, you'll say "it matters in the moment" and yeah, but then it'll soon just be a forgotten, far memory. I don't want to exists, but I also don't want to not exist. Every option sucks. Everything feels so dull and boring too. I wish I could enjoy things more.

12) My not existing childhood. I wish I could be a child. An actual innocent child. I never was and will be one. I will never have a childhood. I always felt like I always have been too aware...know too much..., I had to think about death so early. I had to survive everyday and didn't except to be alive until next year. I get jealous seeing (appearantly, because you can NEVER know what their actual life is like) free, happy, innocent children playing and just being outside. Seeing families, seeing parents that love their children and act nice to them, get actually concerned, treat them right, take their emotions seriously...etc. Why not me? I want to have that too.

13) Me. My existence. I feel like I'm a curse, I'm so serious with that. I can't explain it, I'm just so weirdly different. I bring some sort of negative energy, I guess. I feel guilty for existing. I feel guilty for even talking bad about myself. I feel like I actually shouldn't exists. I feel like I'm some sort of mistake in the universe. Some glitch, in a way. I'm just putting others down with my misery. I feel like I'm the center of the world, in a bad way. Like, I always make everything about myself. I feel like my concussioness is wrong. I'm not in the same dimensions as everyone else. Is this why I'm like this?

 

[eesabtbad]

I had 2 attempts and I wouldn't be able to find 13 reasons back then but now it's easy.

1. I got fired from my dream job.
2. I got kicked out of my uni.
3. I don't want to be a trouble to my parents.
4. My parents are subliminally encouraging me to do this so I feel they would have a better life without me.
5. I cannot afford therapy and I lied that I found one for free so this can't come out before I die and the deadline is short (end of this week)
6. I cannot live with this feeling of failure in my head (I was a second-year student of bachelor's degree studies and I feel like an idiot now).
7. I was physically and mentally exhausted from working 2 jobs at the same time and attending uni classes.
8. I am lazy and I know I won't be able to somehow manage the position I found myself in.
9. I cannot find a job.
10. I spend money like crazy on things that aren't even necessary so even with a job I would still be broke.
11. I am generally not well-adapted to living in a society and sooner or later I would still end up in the same situation even if I somehow managed to get myself out from this.
12. I don't like the way I look and I'm not that self-disciplined to change it.
13. I can't comprehend the thought that the people I hate found true happiness in their lives and I'm still in misery.

So everything comes down to my laziness and envy and it means it's my own fault I am where I am. This is a bit relaxing and it's suggesting me that it will be a good decision to end my life.

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

Temporality
Meaning
Images
Desire
Dissatisfaction
Love
Future
Aging
World
Loser
Appearances
Loneliness
I'm an asshole.