What’s wrong with me?

[distintivocorazon]

Lately things have been giving me signs that my time is near. With that in mind, I feel guilt. I wan't to try ways to attempt but I don't want to CTB yet. Sometimes I feel like I want to attempt so I can recieve proper help medically & mentally but I feel guilty for even thinking like "I want to try to kill myself but I don't want to succeed it," almost like a cry for help. I don't know what to do and nothing feels real anymore. What the fuck is wrong with me?

 

[JustAnx]

You're depressed, clearly. But i think you know what to do. It's there in your post.

I read it like you wanna get help but don't know how. And that's probably cuz there's a lot going on in your mind.

But perhaps you can find a way to sort that out.

 

[Lostandlooking]

Do you feel like you'd receive proper medical/mental care if you did an attempt? Just genuinely asking. It depends heavily on the country you're in to determine how they will help you.

Have you tried talking to a therapist about your suicidality? That can be risky but worth considering if you haven't a lot of experience with psychologists.

Would it take going through an attempt just to get people to listen? Maybe that's the case. I can certainly understand how that feels. My pain was not acknowledged at crucial moments, when I needed help the most.

The guilt about the whole situation is very common. It seems (to the outside world) as though you were not really serieus if you do an attempt and survive. That's not true however and it exists just to give the non-suicidal people a sense of superiority. Please do not feel guilty, if you can.

It seems you're desperate for some relief. It all depends on the people around you, will they understand and be supportive? Or will they act as if nothing is wrong. (Or maybe they just get angry of course)

If nothing feels real anymore you might be dissociating. Just a guess though.

I can clearly see you're struggling. And I wish you the best. In the end, do whatever is best for you. But I also truly wish for things to turn around for you.

Edit: 'My pain was not acknowledged at crucial moments, when I needed help the most.'

 

[Demian]

There are several cases of people who tried, or were going to try, ctb and today are doing very well.

I think you should give yourself a chance, because if you try it, regret it and ask for help, you could have permanent damage for the rest of your life.

Give yourself a chance.

 

[wren-briar]

@distintivocorazon - If you're in an area with a "peer respite center", I highly recommend reaching out to them. They have lived experience (i.e. they're certified " peers") and can help you process what you're dealing with, to include making plans, identifying possible treatment options, and helping you find resources.