Discussion What's worse; the agony of living, leaving, or ctb?

[Eol21]

Living like this is agonizing.

The idea of leaving loved ones is agonizing.

The possiblity of physical agony/pain from each method of ctb.

What hurts you the most?

--

For me it's leaving loved ones. It breaks my already broken heart. I don't see much love in the world these days. Society already has me hopeless. My parents know my thoughts on suicide and that I think if someone wants to leave it's their choice. The darkness in life is as real at the most horrible movies and news stories... It's not just in "bad" neighborhoods, it's not exclusive to anything.... It's an essential part of nature... The same as survival instinct when you try to ctb.

The thought of hanging is so appealing and relaxing. The agony of living and the thoughts of the effect of those that are left... Makes me feel so horrible.

I think if it happens for me it will be sn in combination with hanging. Last time the rope was on fading started quick. I just want to hang out somewhere beautiful and let nature envelop my essence.

 

[AntHydra]

They're all painful, but my decision is made, unless something very important shifts. I'll have to make peace with the repercussions.
The pain of ctb, the pain of leaving behind my family, the pain I will cause them, in exchange for the eventual cessation of all pain and the prevention of future pain I would cause others by existing.

It's a bargain, a trade, a leap I have to plan and learn to take, and then jump. It will take some more time to get ready and make peace and prepare to jump through the fiery hoop that stands before the door that leads into that serene silence, the one silence where your ears don't ring, but that time will pass.

I wish you the best friend, as I wish everyone the best. I wish you serenity.

 

[Eol21]

...the one silence where your ears don't ring...

Man, this hits. Having bad insomnia in the past I would lay in bed for 8+ hours being driven crazy by hearing my ears ring (plus depression and migraines).

 

[FuneralCry]

The agony of living for me is the worst. I cannot do this for decades longer. I am so done with it all. Life is a horrible thing and all I want is to be free from it. There is no limit as to how bad life can get either, there is unlimited potential for suffering. Yes, ctb is likely to be painful/uncomfortable, but that is just for a short amount of time and then I am gone from this world. The pain that others will feel after I ctb will in no way compare to the pain that I have felt in my life. So of course, living is the worst thing.

 

[ClownMe]

The agony of living, by far, it's what drives us to ctb.

 

[AntHydra]

Man, this hits. Having bad insomnia in the past I would lay in bed for 8+ hours being driven crazy by hearing my ears ring (plus depression and migraines).

Haha, I can't sleep at all without a lot of controlled noises around me. The literal ringing in my ears and the metaphorical ringing of regrets that want to press tears out of my eyes in the small hours of the night, and even so I only fall asleep when I am utterly exhausted anymore. I haven't slept through a night properly in a long time now.

 

[tiredplant777]

I feel you. For me leaving loved ones, my parents feels more painful. But it's so hard. I wish I could leave without causing them pain. I do feel that everyone else I know would be fine if I died. Like some people would take it hard, but I think they'd be ok anyway. But I know my parents wouldn't be ok at all, and that is why I am still here.

 

[LivvenDe]

I don't mind suffering to die, I just want it to be certain and limited in time. Like hours or some days I would endure if I knew I would die for cer ain.

But not years and this unknown torture life is.

Which leaves me to the true reason I don't ctb: making loved ones suffer....

 

[Hurt]

Living while wishing to be dead is the worst feeling. Because you don't enjoy living.

 

[cocainenosejobs]

Leaving.
I know a lot of people and my cat will be crushed but at the same time I know I need to leave to feel better.
I feel bad that i'm ready to go.

 

[Chiisai]

All of the above.