Discussion What's traumatizing you?

[Sanctuary]

Never been able to really connect with people. Just been wired for shame and fear all a long.

THIS.

 

[outrider567]

Loss

 

[oneeyed]

Culmination of things that started as a child.

I was slow to start reading but eventually caught up and soon became one of the "smart kids" but reserved and always anxious.

I lived (and still do) a sheltered life so never hung out with school "friends" and that probably didn't help with social anxiety.

My dad, although present and not a bad man, showed no interest in spending quality time with me and my brother. That lack of a father figure is profoundly damaging. I suppose I could call my uncle and grandfather a father figure, but it's just different.
Being bullied and honestly not able to remember a day of school I enjoyed. I hated my school and they people so much I refused to get my photo taken and never went to the dinner/dance shit. I was dragged to go to the ceremony. This was by design, without my photo, the year book would be blank under my name and thus be forgotten by those assholes. My first suicide thought was due to the bullying.

Not succeeding in goals. Original plan was to have a masters in engineering. While intellectually I am capable, psychologically, I'm a mess and am so hard on myself that I panic and get embarrassed or ashamed for every little thing.

Im short and skinny. While I have had relationships and even hookups, I know I'm not sought after. It's still very much a world where the tall, fit, beautiful get the most advantages in life.

With all this in mind, I often feel useless and not a "real man". Unable to control emotions properly and getting upset (crying and paniking) over the smallest things is emasculating and demoralizing.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel or hijack the thread, just think that with people such as us, it's not just one thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

Basically just existing in this world. It's painful and tiring to have to exist here day after day as with life comes endless problems and suffering. The knowledge and awareness that I'm here existing and that there is no straightforward way to be free from this world really is the torturous thing, I view the existence of life to be so disturbing. Never have I wanted to be here, but here I am.

I have such a huge problem with life itself and how all this torment exists in this world. I don't want to inevitably suffer more in the future or experience anything at all, I just wish for peaceful nothingness. There is no relief or peace in this life, I will never be at rest as long as I exist and all of this is such an useless burden which serves no purpose. I hate being trapped in this human body with all the ways in which it can cause us to suffer, I just really despise existing in every single way and it makes sense to feel like that.

 

[venuemidnight]

i've failed at everything i've attempted—school, work, relationships, etc. i can barely get out of bed most days. i'm isolated and alone, and go several days without speaking to anyone. my job is a shitty dead end miserable place to work at. i have nothing to look forward to and my past abuse haunts me. i feel irreparably broken.

 

[SamTam33]

I've clicked on this thread so many times and decided not to respond. The thought of putting it all down in one post is frightening.

I'm fine to say bits and pieces in other threads, but it's weird how I can't bring myself to say everything all at once.

I don't know what that's about.

Maybe I just don't know how to summarize it. Or me putting it all in writing will force me to look at it and see it clearly. Like looking at myself in the mirror. I can barely do that either.

It might be the weight of all the parts combined that's scaring me.

 

[makethepainstop]

Sorry you feel your dad was so evil. He did give you some of his strength, perhaps he did it badly. I still have to feel a bit envious, that you had the type of dad that eally was a badass. I like to think that most badass dad's are not really evil, but aggressive and will tolerate no crap from their boys. Would love to hear what he did that was so evil.

 

[donewithyourview]

Lifelong trauma from other people... It's people that's the problem

 

[Ineedtodie]

dad, although present and not a bad man, showed no interest in spending quality time with me and my brother. That lack of a father figure is profoundly damaging. I suppose I could call my uncle and grandfather a father figure, but it's just different.
Being bullied and honestly not able to remember a day of school I enjoyed. I hated my school and they

Having no father figure or a support network especially from close family is a big red flag, especially in a society as a crazy, hateful, jealous, delusional, greedy, angry, with their questionable morals believes and values. I' ve been there. I relate to those circumstances alot.

 

[makethepainstop]

Culmination of things that started as a child.

I was slow to start reading but eventually caught up and soon became one of the "smart kids" but reserved and always anxious.

I lived (and still do) a sheltered life so never hung out with school "friends" and that probably didn't help with social anxiety.

My dad, although present and not a bad man, showed no interest in spending quality time with me and my brother. That lack of a father figure is profoundly damaging. I suppose I could call my uncle and grandfather a father figure, but it's just different.
Being bullied and honestly not able to remember a day of school I enjoyed. I hated my school and they people so much I refused to get my photo taken and never went to the dinner/dance shit. I was dragged to go to the ceremony. This was by design, without my photo, the year book would be blank under my name and thus be forgotten by those assholes. My first suicide thought was due to the bullying.

Not succeeding in goals. Original plan was to have a masters in engineering. While intellectually I am capable, psychologically, I'm a mess and am so hard on myself that I panic and get embarrassed or ashamed for every little thing.

Im short and skinny. While I have had relationships and even hookups, I know I'm not sought after. It's still very much a world where the tall, fit, beautiful get the most advantages in life.

With all this in mind, I often feel useless and not a "real man". Unable to control emotions properly and getting upset (crying and paniking) over the smallest things is emasculating and demoralizing.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel or hijack the thread, just think that with people such as us, it's not just one thing.

To me you are right, a man and in my case, a hard man would have done me a world of good.
Especially because I was an uppity, rebellious, smart-alec, cocky, teenage boy with an attitude!
I could have been so much more if I just had a strong hard male figure for a dad. No, I am not into getting whupped, but you cannot imagine what a hellion I was as a teen. The term juvenile delinquent could have been used to describe me, without being too far from the truth. Now I am too old to correct those flaws in my character.

 

[leap_from_life]

I know that's thread is old but uh what traumatised me? I was a victim of physical and psychical domestic abuse for the first 10 years of my life, it was done by my mother because she never loved and never wanted me. that's why I'm struggling so much now

 

[boblong]

Failing college , no future

 

[leavingsoon99]

Reflecting on my life. The abuse I endured. The way that I've been outcasted by literally EVERYONE I've ever known... starting with my own parents. Wondering what I did to deserve this. Why am I just ugly and undesirable? Why do people hate me so much?. I can't listen to 90s music at all, because it just reminds me of the loneliness, bullying, and exclusion of my youth. It brings back the scenery and feeling of abuse at the hands of my mother. It brings back the abandonment by my father. It brings back the ridicule of my classmates. If life is so beautiful and precious, why does it hurt? Beauty doesn't leave trauma, and tell you to 'keep going'. I've never been healed from this, nor will I ever be. This makes pushing past the SI much easier.

 

[orca87]

Self-realization – and behind it grief, guilt, not being capable of human interaction/basic life tasks

 

[CentreMid]

Abusive parents, mental illness, undetected neurodivergence that basically ruined my entire life up until very recently (it still does to a degree but I got an official diagnosis for it recently which has made it easier to manage. Still won't undo the damage it's caused though)

 

[jamie_]

see below, but only the tip of the iceburg probably. Also 24/7 recurring pain, loss, grief, inability to do simple things

 

[sugarmagnolia]

Mine being sexually assaulted twice, as well as being groomed countless times by men who i thought were people i needed in my life online. My trauma also stems from my mother being in my life but never really being a mother, along with my father being deported which caused me to search for a kind of father figure which is why ive been groomed so much.
I imagine mental illness too but ive only been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder but if i was to live longer im very sure i wouldve developed something more severe.

 

[Lxions]

the fact that i'll be sick forever. mental illness isnt just a personality trait, or something that talking will cure, it's a chemical imbalance that will be there forever. so no matter how much work i put in, i'll be sick forever.
i have bpd, and most of my symptoms cease to exist while im single, other than the crippling fear that i'll be alone when i die(or that i miss my ex..)… but once im finally happy in a relationship, then everything goes south. i ruin everything i come into contact with, and it's my fault. that's the traumatizing part. i hurt everyone i love, and i cant help it- even though i certainly try to.
oh. and my best friend died in my arms due to CBT. i found him half responsive at age 11, and i still regret not being able to help him.

 

[Allaboutit]

Existentially I just don't feel like I should be here anymore.

I don't feel like I belong in a world that I cannot enjoy. There has been no net-gain from me being alive, and at some point you naturally weigh the odds of that changing or getting better. If it continues to get worse or stay the same, then the natural reaction (for me atleast) is to want to end it to prevent future suffering.

I can find little ways to make it better, corner myself off into a bubble and give myself distractions to cope. But in the back of my mind, I just can't appreciate a society so cruel and devoid of meaning. I want more, this all just seems so futile, fragile, and toxic. And over the years I've watched it get worse.

I wish I could just accept it for what it was and grasp on to my own meaning like normal people; whether that be for love, for faith, or whatever. But even if I could medically induce myself to that sort of mindset, I don't know if that is even a life worth living.

I love you. I miss you.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Living in a borderline-abusive situation as a severely disabled person with horrible OCD—due to intense brain inflammation—and many, many more disorders, most of which are caused by trauma, like my Complex Dissociative Identity Disorder. That combined with finding more and more hidden CSA trauma, and seeing Tantacrul's video, lead me here.

Love you guys.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

a constant cycle of abusive relationships that have left my ruined emotioally

 

[SpencerSees]

Not being able to be part of society no matter how hard i try

 

[Tulip<3]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

I'm so sorry you are going through that. It sounds awful and not getting support from your family too is so messed up

For me it's a combination of things, but I've had a severe negative reaction to medication too (hormonal treatment to try and control endometriosis). It's sent me into a severe mental health episode with delusional thoughts. But now the pain is coming back. 11 years of severe pain and I'm so worn down.