Discussion What's traumatizing you?

[Sanctuary]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

 

[flyingtopluto]

Not reaching the milestones I should've reached for my age.

 

[almaranthine]

I spent about 6 months in psychosis which subsided in May of this year. I feel like I ruined my life beyond repair this time. I've had episodes in the past before, and like you, my family did absolutely nothing to help me. They either ignored my behavior and acted like nothing out of the ordinary was going on, or were generally amused by it, thought it was all a joke or because I was on drugs (which I wasn't).

At times, I miss being crazy because at least I had some energy and drive to work through things, although I lacked the sense to channel any of it appropriately, it seemed better than being completely despondent and broken. Because of my recent breakdown, I haven't been working. Now I'm at the point where I've run out of money and I'm ready to give up. I wouldn't even be able to afford to renew the lease for the shitty apartment I'm in even if I had kept working. It all feels hopeless.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

My dysphoria and the jealousy I have towards attractive cis-gender females. I cannot get it out of my head how that could have been me if I was born the correct way...

 

[jodes2]

My psychosis was traumatising af. I hope you don't CTB, please try to recover first, give it a really good shot , do whatever you have to to avoid trauma

 

[Cantbereal]

Benzo withdrawal and gadolinium POISONING

 

[No longer suicidal😁]

Not reaching the milestones I should've reached for my age.

This. All my friends from school have graduated college and are now getting paid well at good companies while I'm a college dropout and still living with my parents whom I hate, it's a nightmare.

As well as noticing that many of the people around me had great parents while mine were abusive. My parents don't love each other and this has created a lot of stress between them which led them to neglect their kids as their minds were occupied by their dislike toward each other. I'm also a very short person, people don't take me seriously at all. It all basically boils down to my circumstances.

 

[WonderingSoul]

This. All my friends from school have graduated college and are now getting paid well at good companies while I'm a college dropout and still living with my parents whom I hate, it's a nightmare.

As well as noticing that many of the people around me had great parents while mine were abusive. My parents don't love each other and this has created a lot of stress between them which led them to neglect their kids as their minds were occupied by their dislike toward each other. I'm also a very short person, people don't take me seriously at all. It all basically boils down to my circumstances.

You just described a portion of my life

 

[almaranthine]

You just described a portion of my life

Mine too, right down to being short and not taken seriously. Just replace "parents" with "parent"

 

[777]

I think the worst adversity i've been through was unwillingly being placed in treatment programs throughout my teenage years. I have spent well over 22 months (almost 2 years) essentially being subjugated by therapists, psychiatrists, and clinical directors at residential treatment centers. I had no inkling of what was going to happen to me beforehand, just went with it. It really left me astray during high school. All I really knew was what life was in a confined place with deranged teens that we're as anti-social as I was, so naturally I developed a lot of confidence issues, and social phobia after all of that. How was I supposed to reintegrate into a normal high school? It felt like my life in total was paused, and I had to only appeal to authority in order to regain the privileges i had, and it translated into how I acted in high school. I despise reliving that experience, as it was too traumatic. I just want to burn out like a candle hit with a winter breeze.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Right now? Probably the realization that I never had a real chance in life.

 

[talklight]

I think the worst adversity i've been through was unwillingly being placed in treatment programs throughout my teenage years. I have spent well over 22 months (almost 2 years) essentially being subjugated by therapists, psychiatrists, and clinical directors at residential treatment centers. I had no inkling of what was going to happen to me beforehand, just went with it. It really left me astray during high school. All I really knew was what life was in a confined place with deranged teens that we're as anti-social as I was, so naturally I developed a lot of confidence issues, and social phobia after all of that. How was I supposed to reintegrate into a normal high school? It felt like my life in total was paused, and I had to only appeal to authority in order to regain the privileges i had, and it translated into how I acted in high school. I despise reliving that experience, as it was too traumatic. I just want to burn out like a candle hit with a winter breeze.

I was in the same boat too and I'm sorry that you got dragged into the shitty mess of mental hospitals that young. I've been in and out since middle school and the amount of autonomy that gets taken from you when you're shuttled around from treatment to treatment is really something else. It's like growing up with the idea that if the "treatment" in question isn't working, then you're the problem that's not cooperating. I wish you the best from here on out and sending lots of support your way for getting through it

 

[TydalWave]

Existentially I just don't feel like I should be here anymore.

I don't feel like I belong in a world that I cannot enjoy. There has been no net-gain from me being alive, and at some point you naturally weigh the odds of that changing or getting better. If it continues to get worse or stay the same, then the natural reaction (for me atleast) is to want to end it to prevent future suffering.

I can find little ways to make it better, corner myself off into a bubble and give myself distractions to cope. But in the back of my mind, I just can't appreciate a society so cruel and devoid of meaning. I want more, this all just seems so futile, fragile, and toxic. And over the years I've watched it get worse.

I wish I could just accept it for what it was and grasp on to my own meaning like normal people; whether that be for love, for faith, or whatever. But even if I could medically induce myself to that sort of mindset, I don't know if that is even a life worth living.

 

[makethepainstop]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

Being raised by weak but loving people. What I needed was the kind of dad who when I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, or got rebellious would have beat my ass. I would have been even stronger, tougher, and harder than I am now. Sometimes a badass dad gives a son so much of his strength. Well, here is to hope for a dad like that in my next life when I CTB. Much love to all here, may it get better for each of us in this life, if not then in a future life.

 

[Sanctuary]

I spent about 6 months in psychosis which subsided in May of this year. I feel like I ruined my life beyond repair this time. I've had episodes in the past before, and like you, my family did absolutely nothing to help me. They either ignored my behavior and acted like nothing out of the ordinary was going on, or were generally amused by it, thought it was all a joke or because I was on drugs (which I wasn't).

At times, I miss being crazy because at least I had some energy and drive to work through things, although I lacked the sense to channel any of it appropriately, it seemed better than being completely despondent and broken. Because of my recent breakdown, I haven't been working. Now I'm at the point where I've run out of money and I'm ready to give up. I wouldn't even be able to afford to renew the lease for the shitty apartment I'm in even if I had kept working. It all feels hopeless.

why the hell didn't anyone intervene for us? there are families with loved ones with long term addictions who at least put forth the initial effort to figure out exactly what's going on before completely writing said person off.
when my sister in Canada expressed suicidal ideation over a year ago, I messaged her dad, her Husband, and her best friend to check in on her emotionally.
Granted I don't have the same support system here for her to get a hold of but she could've done something. I definitely ruined my life, beyond repair. i'm not going to completely air out my dirty laundry but If I told you exactly what happened, you would understand why there's no hesitation, I have to follow through and ctb.

Total life annihilation that quite possibly could have been avoided if someone could have given a single fuck.

I totally relate to missing the crazy because at least i felt I was on a mission every day, I didn't realize that said mission was messing up my life a little more every day until I pulled out of it. ha

 

[SpiroSundae]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

I'm an unemployed failure who contributes nothing to my wife and I's life. cant hold a job because my BPD is so severe and untreated. tired of everything and i refuse to put any more effort into bettering myself

 

[almaranthine]

why the hell didn't anyone intervene for us? there are families with loved ones with long term addictions who at least put forth the initial effort to figure out exactly what's going on before completely writing said person off.
when my sister in Canada expressed suicidal ideation over a year ago, I messaged her dad, her Husband, and her best friend to check in on her emotionally.
Granted I don't have the same support system here for her to get a hold of but she could've done something. I definitely ruined my life, beyond repair. i'm not going to completely air out my dirty laundry but If I told you exactly what happened, you would understand why there's no hesitation, I have to follow through and ctb.

Total life annihilation that quite possibly could have been avoided if someone could have given a single fuck.

I totally relate to missing the crazy because at least i felt I was on a mission every day, I didn't realize that said mission was messing up my life a little more every day until I pulled out of it. ha

"On a mission" is a really accurate way to describe it. I felt the same way. Every day was some spiritual journey and I was conquering evil just by being alive. In my family's defense, this last episode I suffered pretty much estranged from everyone and totally alone, so there wasn't much for them to do. Eventually I got calls checking in on me, but it did take many months for them to express any care. In the past I suffered through episodes living with different family members. There is no way they just didn't "notice"... during one episode I threw a brand new iPhone out my car window and disappeared for 3 days with no phone or ID. I just kept driving until my car broke down. There's no way someone can be like, "oh yeah that's not that strange at all, she's fine." Wtf if I had a sister and she did that, I would be flipping the fuck out and trying to get her to a professional psychiatrist.

 

[Sanctuary]

Being raised by weak but loving people. What I needed was the kind of dad who when I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, or got rebellious would have beat my ass. I would have been even stronger, tougher, and harder than I am now. Sometimes a badass dad gives a son so much of his strength. Well, here is to hope for a dad like that in my next life when I CTB. Much love to all here, may it get better for each of us in this life, if not then in a future life.

I really love the idea of reincarnation

"On a mission" is a really accurate way to describe it. I felt the same way. Every day was some spiritual journey and I was conquering evil just by being alive. In my family's defense, this last episode I suffered pretty much estranged from everyone and totally alone, so there wasn't much for them to do. Eventually I got calls checking in on me, but it did take many months for them to express any care. In the past I suffered through episodes living with different family members. There is no way they just didn't "notice"... during one episode I threw a brand new iPhone out my car window and disappeared for 3 days with no phone or ID. I just kept driving until my car broke down. There's no way someone can be like, "oh yeah that's not that strange at all, she's fine." Wtf if I had a sister and she did that, I would be flipping the fuck out and trying to get her to a professional psychiatrist.

Dude I have so many similiar stories... one time very early on I literally called my whole family and told them that I was a secret service agent and that the cartel was after our family was in danger but that it would be okay because the CIA knew. what did my sisters say ? "is that so? interesting. well thanks for letting me know." *click*

 

[Unending]

I'm on here because I have only gotten worse mentally despite intensive/extensive treatment. I also feel like I am constantly being retraumatized. I'm not sure how many people can relate to this but I feel like with each depressive episode that occurs from my already concerningly low and unstable baseline I begin to get worse and worse. I definitely experience the most mundane things feeling traumatic. Insignificant events can ruin whole days or weeks and I don't know what I can possibly do about it. It's extremely awful.

 

[Csmith8827]

Sometimes a badass dad gives a son so much of his strength.

I think this is true. My dad may be badass, but he's also just like...evil, sinister, vile, pompous, liar, etc...a piece of shit type a thing....

I think he had a certain aspect or dimension of badassatry about him but at the same time he was a demon and needs to die...and I'm the man to do it!

I wish I could just accept it for what it was and grasp on to my own meaning like normal people; whether that be for love, for faith, or whatever. But even if I could medically induce myself to that sort of mindset, I don't know if that is even a life worth living.

Love is everything and can/will carry you... you just have to find it/let it... (typing this brought me on the verge of tears! almost tears...hah)

 

[coyotestark]

Anxiety, depression, depersonalization disorder, P.T.S.D., financial garbage, heartbreak, failed interpersonal relationships, drugs, and alcohol. LIFE.

 

[ryo the frog]

my fifth grade science class

 

[makethepainstop]

I think this is true. My dad may be badass, but he's also just like...evil, sinister, vile, pompous, liar, etc...a piece of shit type a thing....

I think he had a certain aspect or dimension of badassatry about him but at the same time he was a demon and needs to die...and I'm the man to do it!




Love is everything and can/will carry you... you just have to find it/let it... (typing this brought me on the verge of tears! almost tears...hah)

Sorry you feel your dad was so evil. He did give you some of his strength, perhaps he did it badly. I still have to feel a bit envious, that you had the type of dad that really was a badass. I like to think that most badass dad's are not really evil, but aggressive and will tolerate no crap from their boys. Would love to hear what he did that was so evil.

 

[SadJessu]

Oh gosh, lots of things. In a tl/dr nutshell? There's the physical stuff, CFS/ME and a sleeping disorder that make it nearly impossible to get out of bed, but that's not really the issue. I was born with Autism and OCD, these disorders make my life incredibly difficult and resulted in me being bullied by both adults and kids growing up. In high school I fell in love with my teacher because he was the only one who reached out to me during those times. We had a 12 year relationship that devolved into persistent emotional abuse, as it turns out he was a narcissist, and I had no self respect. I believed it was love. I think that left me with some sort of PTSD, I feel tainted and dirtied by the whole experience. I can't shake it off. My family was less than supportive, and I still can't talk about it with them. Many have been emotionally abusive towards me in the past. I'm kind of afraid of them. I met my current husband while still in my previous relationship, it was online, but I still feel guilty over it, among other numerous fuck ups. I love my husband, and he's most certainly a step up in every way imaginable, but he's said something things that make me very reluctant to open up again. Regardless I don't really want to burden him or anyone else. I'm currently seven months pregnant, expecting a daughter. I'm terrified that I'll be a bad mother by having the issues I have, not to mention the state of the world. I feel like they both deserve better than what I could ever give. I feel incredibly selfish for starting a family, especially considering people rely on me, but I'm just going to mess it up. It's all the worse that I can't just disappear. The only thing I have that holds me together is my religion, but even then I feel like a hypocrite.

Idk. It's a lot.

 

[Ineedtodie]

My neglect in lu childhood.
My horrible teen years.
My teweenties as well.
Never been able to really connect with people. Just been wired for shame and fear all a long. My perception have been altered through all these years.( No need for detailed happenings)
Now in my earlu thirty feeling unsafe helpless and trapped which you wouldn't expect an adult to be this disposition.
What are my options?
How could I cope?
How could I survive and lake a living?
How could I connect with people?
All so vague and overwhelming.

 

[WaveringLight]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

Woah... Psychosis for 6 months due to Adderall? Damn, and i thought my reactions to those types of meds were bad. Fortunately, any psych med ive been on i had only been on for a short duration and did not affect my life in the long run. I remember one of my ADHD meds giving me suicidal thoughts temporarily haha (the irony). It was a non-stimulant type (since we figured out I couldn't do stimulants after 3-4 different ones, they had adverse side effects without much help to my condition). And the last time I tried an anti-depressant, it induced a hypomanic state. I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience with Adderall, one that has significantly impacted your life unfortunately ):. Currently, there does not seem to be anything traumatizing me.

 

[MovingOn]

Similarly to you, I have gone through months of psychosis after which I woke up. I fucked up the hard work I put into trying to force myself out of the gutter. But that's done. There's also the fact that I've been physically and psychologically fucked with since I was a child, and also in general I have a tendency to go through psychosis, I probably have autism (haven't been tested) and in general I've lived my life depressed and there's nothing that I look forward to, aside from my SN package.

 

[CTB Dream]

This many thingno able ount, ptsd cptsd depress many other thing family abuse ,human all make trauma terrible now injury damage.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I am 24 but I've created problems for myself that I can't ever solve due to being in psychosis for 6 months from a bad reaction to adderall. no one will ever look at me the same, but tbh my family is basically nonexistent and didn't seem to care enough to help me to do anything when I was having paranoid delusions, and they quickly treated me like a homeless person they might catch a glimpse of in passing. I don't like playing into the victim mindset, and I understand that we're all just running our own programs and i shouldn't take personally but God damn I can't seem to be able to ignore the pain. I landed back in this dimension about 4 months ago and the best way to describe it is that i woke up to the reality that my life is a nightmare now.
it hurts so much that I almost wish that I stayed crazy, and the weight of this knowledge finds it's way to my dreams, and takes over my thoughts 24/7, I'm constantly living in unbearable pain and feel like I'm being traumatized over and over again. This is what has brought me here and what will carry me past the point of no return, into nirvana...

So tell me, What brings you here?

I think we all had similar versions of experiences, no matter how exactly it manifested in each and everyone. Just like waking from a nightmare to an other nightmare to naviguate. Or maybe I m wrong?

 

[noaccount]

Ashu calling me a problem person for my saying it's never okay to blame people for being sexually assaulted.