The diabetic analogy is a perfect example of completely missing the point. You are not in control of your body's insulin production. It's probably a function of your autonomic nervous system or something.
On the other hand, emotions like 'happiness' or 'melancholy' are reactions to events in your life or a reaction to the predicament of human life itself. The former can be successfully treated to an extent with antidepressants.
But the latter is not a resultant effect of chemical imbalanaces in your brain. It is a perspective of looking at life and it's relative worth in the face of inevitable suffering. There is no magical antidepressant that will cure you of this state of existential melancholy.
Back in High School I was writing lots of lyrics to shitty melodies in my head, one of them had the line: "I can feel better, I can't think better".
It's true.
There's a thing called depressive realism, I really was my peak philosopher. Yet, I can't help but think that being realistic doesn't need to be met with agony. After all, both existentialism and absurdism are able to put a positive spin on things. So now I believe if only I felt better, then I'd be a happy absurdist.
I'm on a waiting list, and have been for the past 3 months, for some talking therapy. It could take another 6 months to a year before they reach me. I feel that it is too late now, I asked for help 3 months ago and I told them that I needed it now. I'm in too deep, I've already got my suicide plan sorted, my will, funeral wishes and notes written. Just waiting on my SN to arrive and hopefully I'll be gone within a month or two. See that's the problem, everything takes so long. If you need help you're not going to get it when you need it.
Yeah, it can be tough to depend on public services. They're often underfunded and overwhelmed. Sometimes it can be hard to be heard unless you've just attempted to CTB. Is private an option? Maybe online? Yesterday I thought I needed it and before I changed my mind (like I did dozens of times throughout the years) I was able to schedule an appointment for the same day.
I guess I did used to have some joy. I've never been an overly happy person, but I've been happy enough to just get on with things. I know taking medication can bring a 'positive' outcome but it's only positive for the people around me, not me. They will see me as happy again, but I will know that I'm only happy because of the medication, and therefore it's not really positive for me. And at this point, like I said, it's too late. I don't even really want help anymore, my brain is locked onto the idea of suicide and I'm fine with that. I think it's just too late, I realised this when the people I love were begging me not to do anything stupid and I felt nothing for them.
That's the thing. How do you know the way you'll feel facing the realization that your happiness is the result of a drug?
I lost touch with my feelings, I don't know how I'm feeling right now, let alone how I'd feel while looking at life from a completely different perspective. I know how I'd like to feel. After a tough experience with lots of shrooms, I was content, grateful and felt very connected with the world for a while. It faded, but if I could capture that afterglow without the hardship of the experience, that's what I'd like.
So when you sound so sure of yourself, I'm partially jealous and partially skeptical. Each one of us is only a single window to the universe, but professionals deal with data related to millions. If the data disagrees with my own observation, then rationally I have to recognize that, at least.
My emotions might not follow, but that's an entirely different beast.
I get the idea of feeling nothing. No one's asked me to not CTB because nobody around me knows about it. But in the last 3 years I've lost a great-grandmother and a grandmother, and I didn't shed a single tear. That doesn't mean it's too late, it just means I didn't seek help when I should've, and now I'm too attached to the idea of suicide to let go. I tried nothing, how could my current predicament be any different?
I also think once you've spent so long planning out the method you want to use to ctb, your brain uses this as a solution for everything you find difficult. It's always going to be there now.
Maybe. But just because it's a solution, it doesn't mean it has to be the solution.
It's still your choice, of course. You have your method, a date, and you say you're fine with that. I'm not in your head to argue otherwise. If you reconsider along the way, don't think you're a failure for doing so. There's no shame in trying to get better and SI can be a bitch.
Best wishes to you.
