What's the point?

[MidnightDream]

I've spent a lot of time recently trying to figure things out.

I posted recently that I feel like there's 2 people in my brain.. I've been working on making peace with that. Of finding ways to manage that, and to safeguard myself when necessary.

However, ever since I was young I've gone through bouts of mood swings... I have very fast, interchangeable mood swings that happen on the daily, but I also have ones that last months on end. 4-6 months usually. For the last 6 months I've been good, I've been able to cope.. Apart from when the other person in my brain gets triggered, I've been alright.

But I've been struggling all week, and woke up this morning and just realised fuck, I'm having another depressive episode. I drank wine for breakfast. Didn't eat all day. Got drunk this evening. I don't think I can survive this... Knowing I've got months of this ahead of me. Months of passive suicidality & dissociation. Of even more apathy than usual. There's no way out. I don't even really appreciate the good when it's there, because I just feel numb. How can I appreciate numb when that's all I feel? But now that's gone, replaced with the above, fuck. And I've got a terrible, destructive, suicide driven personality that's gonna come out if I attempt anything to alleviate the pain.. That's a death sentence for sure. But a slow, passive self destruction if I don't. I don't know which is worse. Pure misery. I need help. But there isn't any. What's the point

 

[makethepainstop]

Depression is totally brutal, and truly horrible. I hope you find peace.

 

[MidnightDream]

Depression is totally brutal, and truly horrible. I hope you find peace.

Thank you <3 so do i

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really tiring what you are going through and it must be hard to deal with. It's just so awful how life can just get worse, causing us to experience more suffering. I wish you relief.

 

[almaranthine]

I relate to the personality changes that go on for months on end like that. I was manic for probably 5ish months starting this year before switching to despondent and overwhelming depression again. Conversely, I find more comfort in the depressive state... I am at least more rational and less destructive even though I feel absolutely horrible and can barely leave my apartment. Idk I just want this unrelenting and awful cycle to end. I'm either crazy or suicidal and it's no way to live.