What's the one thing you would ask your parents to do differently?

[HighFlight]

I've noticed that parents come up in discussions quite frequently on this site. As a parent myself, I like to think that we try to do our best and protect our children. But also realize I have failed at this to some degree - my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

I also know that not all parents share that same sense of responsibility. And all sorts of abuse takes place by the very people responsible for keeping a child safe.

Thinking back to when you were younger (maybe 12 - 18 yo), what would you want your parents to do differently that might have helped avoid you going down a ctb path?

 

[onetimereject]

teach me how to choose my own life rather than choosing it for me, let me play with my friends, and not telling me all i have to do is study and get good grades

now i'm a sheltered manchild who only knows how to study

 

[SmollMushroom]

• Use condoms.
• Have a vasectomy.
• Abort me.

 

[johan.liebert]

I've noticed that parents come up in discussions quite frequently on this site. As a parent myself, I like to think that we try to do our best and protect our children. But also realize I have failed at this to some degree - my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

I also know that not all parents share that same sense of responsibility. And all sorts of abuse takes place by the very people responsible for keeping a child safe.

Thinking back to when you were younger (maybe 12 - 18 yo), what would you want your parents to do differently that might have helped avoid you going down a ctb path?

I would ask:
Why did u bring a child to this world? Is it to follow the matrix or just for the experience of having an intimate relationship with your partner? Denying the fact that u failed as a parent why would you bring a child to this world if u didn't plan enough their future and you let them live in a miserable life?
At least listen to our problems, listen to our discussions even if its taboo , let us feel we can trust you, that someone has our back, not have to keep everything inside and suffering alone knowing that it's gonna lead to bad consequences….
Lol.. and they keep asking themselves why my child is depressed, paranoid, weird, takes drugs or even commit suicide.
Be aware, if the house environment is toxic they're gonna prefer to get away outside this environment even if it's dangerous for them.

 

[NumbItAll]

They've actually been good caretakers but I wish they would've done a couple things for themselves:

• avoided toxic relationships (they're divorced)
• learned the slightest fucking thing about personal finance. stresses me out that they are both middle aged and still living paycheck to paycheck with no savings when it didn't have to be that way...

My reasons for being here are not related to any parental issues, other than I guess the obvious one of creating me in the first place.

 

[Lost Magic]

Don't have another child (me) after her first son tragically died. Although we had great times together we also suffered a great deal too. It's just sad all round.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

stop pretending that everything is fine. actually face problems instead of ignoring them. no matter how many times i tell them im struggling they just act like everythings great. i get that its a coping mechanism but it taught me to avoid all my problems and now im useless, i cant do anything. the only time they ever acknowledge my struggles is with anger, like bc theyve ignored it for so long and it still hasnt gone away they just get angry. it taught me to never confide in them, or anyone. i wouldnt know how to tell them this bc i wouldnt know what to tell them to do instead, i dont know anything else, all i know is that the way they respond at the moment makes it worse.
but not only in regards to me, just everything. if they had stopped and taken their own mental health seriously before having kids or while i was growing up instead of ignoring it and taking it out on their kids, things would probably be different. a fire doesnt go out if you ignore it, it just grows.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I would have wanted my parents to split up when I'd been little. For years they were like cat and dog at each others throats but convinced themselves they were staying together 'for the kids' as so many do.
Finally when I was about 16 they got divorced .
Wish they'd done it years earlier and given me a calmer childhood without having to endure all their bitching.

 

[HollowDrop]

I would ask for my dad to actually use protection instead of impregnating my mom 4 times and treating all of us like shit, my mom included. She did not deserve any of this.

 

[derpyderpins]

"See that I shut down because I was afraid. Yes, you never hit me, you provided well for me, I had plenty of nice things, but I knew how little it takes for mom to be completely set off. Beyond yelling and screaming in the moment, I knew that the unbearably heavy atmosphere can last for days once the switch is flipped. I would beg a thousand times over for you to just hit me and have it be over. I would have loved to have given up my favorite toys or games or whatever to just feel safe and comfortable. Instead, I know that a minor infraction will ruin days at a time. Even if I haven't done anything wrong, it happens just if things aren't going to plan. eg, I'm not being invited to things, I'm not making the friends you want, I'm not happy . . . It will just be pressure and questioning for hours and days, with no relief, no relaxation. Sure, Dad has gotten to a point where he shrugs it off and ignores it, but I didn't. So, when you would get mad at me for 'pouting,' know that it was because I was afraid. There was no way of knowing what would set mom off, and I was desperate for nothing to go wrong. I was willing to do 'bad' things to cover up harmless little mistakes, which - when caught - would cost me hours of being screamed at. And no, dad, I didn't forget. I remember every instance of it. Because I'm still fucked up."

So, to answer your question more directly, understand that children are sensitive to atmosphere, and screaming can be just as bad as hitting.

 

[HighFlight]

So, to answer your question more directly, understand that children are sensitive to atmosphere, and screaming can be just as bad as hitting.

Thank you for sharing, especially in your first-person format. I was in tears reading it.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Move to a different country and/or in a different environment, hopefully something with water and trees, somewhere free or almost human-free.

 

[sash]

Not meet...

 

[derpyderpins]

Thank you for sharing, especially in your first-person format. I was in tears reading it.

It took me many years to really understand why I have the issues I do. I'm happy to share it if it can help.

stop pretending that everything is fine. actually face problems instead of ignoring them. no matter how many times i tell them im struggling they just act like everythings great. i get that its a coping mechanism but it taught me to avoid all my problems and now im useless, i cant do anything. the only time they ever acknowledge my struggles is with anger, like bc theyve ignored it for so long and it still hasnt gone away they just get angry. it taught me to never confide in them, or anyone. i wouldnt know how to tell them this bc i wouldnt know what to tell them to do instead, i dont know anything else, all i know is that the way they respond at the moment makes it worse.
but not only in regards to me, just everything. if they had stopped and taken their own mental health seriously before having kids or while i was growing up instead of ignoring it and taking it out on their kids, things would probably be different. a fire doesnt go out if you ignore it, it just grows.

I would have wanted my parents to split up when I'd been little. For years they were like cat and dog at each others throats but convinced themselves they were staying together 'for the kids' as so many do.
Finally when I was about 16 they got divorced .
Wish they'd done it years earlier and given me a calmer childhood without having to endure all their bitching.

Emphasis mine, but I relate to both of you, and this thread seems to be shining some light on commonalities. (Hope you don't mind me taking some liberties to expand on your posts.) Our parents not being mentally stable/mature led to us as children feeling the weight of it, shutting down, and not being able to deal with issues, because the people who should have been our stability were themselves unstable, so there was no happy, safe outlet . . . just a life of running from pain. I may go so far as to say we couldn't grow as people because our parents' issues took priority*. They held the control and power, and even if unintentionally they could affect us in powerful ways.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

I wish I had a better relationship with my dad.

 

[sserafim]

I've noticed that parents come up in discussions quite frequently on this site. As a parent myself, I like to think that we try to do our best and protect our children. But also realize I have failed at this to some degree - my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

I also know that not all parents share that same sense of responsibility. And all sorts of abuse takes place by the very people responsible for keeping a child safe.

Thinking back to when you were younger (maybe 12 - 18 yo), what would you want your parents to do differently that might have helped avoid you going down a ctb path?

I wish my parents never met and never procreated. I wish I were never born in the first place. The issue for me is having to exist in a world not meant or built for me. I have neurodivergence (Asperger's, ADHD, and social anxiety) that makes my life difficult. I don't think I would've ever been able to avoid going down a ctb path

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Aside from the obvious "don't have sex" answer, I think mine would be "ask me more questions/prompt me for more responses". Or "teach me how to actually hold a conversation".

A lot of my life was spent listening and hardly ever speaking. My dad especially would go on hours-long rants with next-to-no room for any input, and we were supposed to just sit there and take it. This combined with my autism has permanently fucked my social skills.

 

[HighFlight]

A little background on myself to maybe answer your questions about why do I care...

I am a father of two boys in their early 20s. Both have some form of mental health issue that have impacted them to varying degrees. Their MH issues have been a significant source of my own depression that i want to learn more. While I know I cannot go back in time to "fix" them, I hope that seeing this through the eyes of the child might help me work through my own issues.

Also, a common theme came up in several previous responses - don't have kids. While the advice is sound in certain situations, that wouldn't have helped me in mine. I was unaware of any genetic MH issues until long after they were born. My mom is a perfect "normal" person (probably a pro-lifer which is why we don't talk too much). My biological dad was an alcoholic, in an age where MH was not discussed. I was unaware he had underlying issues until his passing a couple years ago.

 

[weisel]

I would ask my mom to abort me. Ngl I would just lie and say we have a horrible relationship in the future

 

[HighFlight]

{giving this thread a little bump}

Thank you to those who replied and shared their thoughts.

You've already been born and you may feel like your parents may or may not have contributed to your current state of mind. What could they have done differently earlier in your life that may have put you on a different, more positive path?

Or now that you're an adult, what advice would you give your parents?

I wish I had a better relationship with my dad.

Is it too late? Even though I grew up in the same house as my dad, I never really knew him. I learned more about him from his 1-page Will than I had during his lifetime. We were estranged my entire adult life, and the last time I saw him was at my high school graduation in 1986.

 

[dragonofenvy]

The one thing I wish my parents hadn't done was constantly dismiss me when I came to them with problems. I was expected from such a young age to "be a man." I was like, 9. I'm not supposed to be a man yet. If they hadn't dismissed me outright for most of my life things probably would've gone well.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

{giving this thread a little bump}

Thank you to those who replied and shared their thoughts.

You've already been born and you may feel like your parents may or may not have contributed to your current state of mind. What could they have done differently earlier in your life that may have put you on a different, more positive path?

Or now that you're an adult, what advice would you give your parents?


Is it too late? Even though I grew up in the same house as my dad, I never really knew him. I learned more about him from his 1-page Will than I had during his lifetime. We were estranged my entire adult life, and the last time I saw him was at my high school graduation in 1986.

Too late? I wouldn't think so. My dad isn't a terrible person by any means, and I think he does truly care in a lot of ways, it's just difficult. His dad died when he was 16, and even then wasn't really a great dad by any means. My dad grew up poor and I think that affected a lot of his thinking today. It's difficult to fully explain what I mean but I think the jist of it is that we're different people in a lot of respects. I also share a fair portion of the blame as well, I find it extremely difficult to open up to people emotionally, similar to how he does.

 

[username8888]

my oldest opened up and told me about his suicidal ideation and how he would have gone through with it if he wasn't so afraid.

OMG, if you can think these subjects as a parent I respect you a lot.

My parents are like robots when it comes to death and afterlife . Whenever I talk about death, after life... They switch subjects like an automated robots. I am not saying they are bad. I have never seen such a parent like you before HighFlight55.

If I were a parent and knew that my children end up taking their own lives. I would let them at least die painlessly.

No offense, I have never been a parent.

 

[Blue Elephant]

If I were a parent and knew that my children end up taking their own lives. I would let them at least die painlessly.

This is the difference between love and selfishness.

A person is attached to another person (though most of the time they don't know it) and they don't want the second person to die because they would feel loss. Now here comes the difference between people. A person would not want to experience that loss and so would not want the second person to die regardless of how the second person feels. This is called selfishness! But when a person cares more (or at least at a similar level) about how another person feels then how they would feel if the second person would die then they would help them (or at least not oppose) fulfill their wish. This is called love!

 

[Forever Sleep]

My situation is kind of specific and probably doesn't relate to yours. My Mum died when I was 3. She had cancer and delayed having chemo so as not to abort me- although- apparently, it was too late to save her anyway. The obvious wish would have been for her to have gone ahead with chemo. They struggled to conceive anyhow and were told it would be a 'medical impossibility.' Honestly- I wish they'd given up and got a cat or something but I get it that you're refering to upbringing.

I have to say- I think you're super brave to open yourself up to all this. The fact that your son actually told you he has had ideation suggests to me you are an amazing parent trying their best.

I want to make it clear that I love my Dad more than anything in this world. I'm actually holding on for him to go first before I even consider CTB. But- in my specific circumstances, my problems really began when my Dad married again. I think I was then exposed to a narcissist and I have a feeling he knew they were from the start but had this overly idealised view that love would conquer all.

For me though- I'd say- let me grieve for the 3 close family members I'd lost by the age of 10. He couldn't talk about it or grieve himself and I hate to say it but I don't think he let me either. That has only meant that it's followed me through my life. I'm 43 now and I'm still crying most days.

Also- don't just take the easy route. Like I mentioned- I think he knew this person was a narcissist, yet he seemed to just accept their (obvious) lies about me. That hurt. That showed me where his priorities really lay.

After all that, I guess- don't bullshit. Don't say you have undertaken certain actions for the sake of others when really- you have done them for yourself. Don't act like I'm the only one being selfish now- I am by the way but in part because I kind of learnt early on that I was on my own.

So basically- don't turn around and get annoyed with how I've turned out when- in part- you bear some responsibility for that. Don't criticise me for being weak- especially when I was a child when you were weak as an adult- don't expect me to cope better than you.

Sorry- it turned into a rant! Plus, it probably painted my Dad in a bad light which I'd hate. Like I said before- my Dad means the world to me actually. He actually has the most wonderful qualities too. I just think he- like most people were ill equipped to deal with a narcissist. I doubt I would have done much better in his shoes.

That said- where he differs to you and where I think you will be of more support to your children- my Dad has quite strong views on stuff. He doesn't really like the idea of therapy or mental illness. He's more stiff upper lip in a way. Honestly- that doesn't help me either. I think you're approach is far more healthy. It's obvious that you are open to helping your children. That's all you can do at the end of the day. Accept them for who they are and support them where you can. I think they sound lucky to have you. I hope you can work things out together.

 

[Ruma]

Nothing,they raised me well,I had a perfect childhood.

 

[outatime_85]

The way I was conceived will always make me believe I was a mistake, as one wanted nothing to do with me and the other was a workaholic.

So I had no support system.

So, no day goes by where I do not think the circle I was born into would be better off had I been aborted or even if I turned out my lights myself.

That said, I am nothing but a burden to my circle, and I will always think that me being aborted should have been the only option for the two people who conceived me, and if they were to chickens*** to abort me, then they should have put me into the beat-down system that is foster care, especially since I was left to get beat-down anyway.

 

[TapeMachine]

I have two things I'd ask of them:

1. Do not let my grandmother place me in beauty pageants. No four year old should ever have to wear a face full of makeup and be judged for their physical appearance- nor should any person of any age. Physical beauty is fleeting, and it is pure luck. It's pointless.

Teach me that the beauty within is what matters most. Help me recognize this instead.

2. Please don't place so much responsibility on me as a child. Having to be a stand-in mother to my 3 brothers will do irreparable damage. Please just let me be a child for a little longer.

 

[iamalreadydead]

Probably kill themselves before I was born/old enough to care or now because i dont really care either way

 

[Boudika]

So that they wouldn't beat me up as soon as I had a different opinion from them, so that I could have a normal, brave personality, and not be the pathetic bundle of fear and shyness that I am now.