> For me, active ideation isn't so pleasant. Asides from actually buying the required things to do it- which at least made me feel like I was being proactive about my decision, all thoughts around actually going through with it are terrifying for me. That's personally how I tend to distinguish between the two- active ideation is a whole lot more frightening than passive.
Wow, you put into words what I've been feeling lately. I was on my way home yesterday, and a thought passed my mind that said "am I going to ctb today?" It shook me to my core realizing this is a possibility, unlike before it was the usual "damn, I woke up today.". But, like you, there are factors that I want settled before I can and want to ctb.
Pain, becoming a vegetable, brain damaged, are all fears I have when I think of ctb. Strangely, I don't relate to anyone, primarily those on typical social media, saying they're only here because of their family, or pets, or hobbies or whatever. Family will get over you. Pets, hobbies, whatever. I love my cat but I can live without him. Mom might be an issue. My relationship with her is tumultuous, but her realizing her child has killed themselves is not something I would wish on any parent. I hate the idea that I would have to wait for her to die before I ctb. There are two online friends that I 1/4 care about but thinking of the baggage that those two would have to carry if I did tell them even anything seems irresponsible. I hate the idea of ghosting though, or lying.
> I reckon it isn't actually up to you to self diagnose before you go in if I'm honest. I've found that regular doctors aren't even keen when we do that!
Thats a lil comforting to hear, Im always so anxious and overthinking everything so nice that I should step back a bit and see what happens. Getting involuntarily hospitalized is my biggest fear though, any idea what to search for so that doesn't happen? I'm a college student and am also taking summer classes, I cant afford to miss even a week. Succeeding academics is sadly the only thing giving me a hint of satisfaction.
I know what you mean. I think it can be quite hard to distinguish between the two. I think I've read along the lines that passive ideation tends to be more thoughts like: 'I wish I was dead. I wish I would die. Everyone would be better off if I died. It's going to be a relief to die' type of thing.
As such, I think these sorts of thoughts can in some way be reasuring- as in- 'I'll simply end it if it all becomes too much.' For me- my passive ideation is very much like that. A comforting thought that there is in fact an exit out of this shit show! I think passive ideation is more simplistic because suicide actually feels quite attainable.
For me, active ideation isn't so pleasant. Asides from actually buying the required things to do it- which at least made me feel like I was being proactive about my decision, all thoughts around actually going through with it are terrifying for me. That's personally how I tend to distinguish between the two- active ideation is a whole lot more frightening than passive.
I start to fear the process itself. How long will the fear and pain last? Will it even work? What if it doesn't? What if I end up in an even worse state? All that comes with the very real prospect that I might actually try it one day.
But, I'd say I experience both passive and active ideation throughout the day. But, it's not so active that I'm about to do it. That relies on my Dad going first and even after that, I need to feel sure. I don't want to do it impulsively.
All I would say though is- if you are going to tell your therapist, maybe you need to research what might happen if they think you are at immediate risk. Not that I want to put you off if that's what you think you want or need. I think various countries and various therapists treat ideation differently. Some seem to panic and section people- so- I'd be wary of that if you don't think it would help you. I get the impression that suggesting you have a plan you are able to act on immediately gets them rattled. Still, I think it's important to be as honest as you can be. Otherwise, what's the point in going?
I reckon it isn't actually up to you to self diagnose before you go in if I'm honest. I've found that regular doctors aren't even keen when we do that! Really- it's for them to decide on what's going on with you when you tell them how you feel. I hope they can help you. Good luck.
