Whats keeping you here?

[Shotgunjohn]

As we all know almost everyone here is suicidal

What keeps you from ctb? Is it because you're waiting for something? Or is that you're still planning? Maybe you're trying to accquire the means to ctb?


I personally wanted to ctb in March, but covid started to become a thing so it got hard to accquire my means and I also got curious as to what would happen. Around May I decided I was ready and didn't care anymore BUT I realized how close I was to graduating. So I figured I'd buckle down and get my degree out the way. My last week of school is next week and then I'll be ctb in early January if all goes well.

 

[AutoTap]

I don't have a peaceful/painless way to go. I love my family and dogs. I'm scared of what comes after death (uncertainty), and I'm scared that I'll regret it and if I stick it out I'll somehow get better. :/

 

[Quax]

My parents they are getting old.... I care for them... I can't ctb before they are gone. then Im going to do my goodbye trip round Australia and in the end .... my time has come....ctb....

 

[Sakura94]

My parents, though they are old now and won't be around forever. And I also want to complete a story I started writing during lockdown.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I think I missed my window of opportunity. Timing isn't in my favour.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Not having what I need. I would have ctb ages ago but can't get SN. Should have gone today but opportunity was taken away from me and now just stuck in this hell

 

[VisionsOfHell]

I'm waiting for the final push over the edge that I know will come next spring. Though if I'm being honest the main reason is the same why I joined this forum: Fear of dying alone.

 

[MindFog]

SI and the remaining people that I love. I dont want to hurt them.

 

[WornOutLife]

My lack of guts to CTB.
My dad.
My dog Tomi.

 

[grungeCat]

I don't know, something is constantly blocking me. I'm very afraid that I might get into even a worse place after death.

 

[Partial-Elf]

Guilt around impact on family (80%)

Fear of failure (20%)

Also, I will sometimes set a date and think "I'll see how I'm feeling that day. If it feels like the right time I'll go." And somehow when those days come it never feels quite right

 

[stygal]

My time simply hasn't come yet.
I have a few set dates next year when I could potentially go.

Plus first Covid has to be "over" so people around me start traveling again and I have more time by myself and I'd also like to get out of the house one last time.

 

[ElPaso]

I am waiting three weeks to see how things pan out. I've had a hard life but man, 2020 just keeps rolling with the punches. I tried in 2013 and honestly...I would have told myself 7 years ago to pick a different method. Shit got a lot worse since then.

If things go bad, I got a gameplan.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Suicide is a lot of effort, and when you're depressed making plans and overcoming fear are big steps to be taking when you'd rather by lying in bed doing nothing all day.

 

[Lastsauce]

My parents they are getting old.... I care for them... I can't ctb before they are gone.

I feel you. Same here.

 

[EraseRewind]

I'm not sure what's keeping me here, I'm a fraud I guess, my life isn't terrible. I have survived getting over a criminal case (all my own doing and responsibility) that was unpleasant and full of shame and the drinking that led to my criminal activity (5 1/2 years sober).

I've tried ctb a few times before and the last time was really close, found just before I stopped breathing.

I've got through all that, now at university and doing ok, but yet my mind attacks me every day and just wants me dead.

I wear a mask to show the world I'm in control, but just under the surface my fear is massive and I feel my only way to get out of this is to end my life. I read the posts on this site and feel so much for those who share their desperation and again I feel such a fraud because my problem are all in my self hating mind.

When I look back I've never felt any different, I drank from the age of 14 to hide it. It never worked. The counselling doctors and hospitals never worked because I lied to them and said I was feeling better.

I feel resigned that one day I will leave this earth by my own actions because my head is broken. Until that day I'll keep on coming here and feel some belonging.

Sorry for the long post

 

[AlePizarnik]

Fear of pain and a failed attempt. Nothing else

 

[wombhockey]

I have some hope for the future as for now, I don't have good relationship with my family. It looks fine on the surface but I kinda hate them internally.

I am preparing for a job in government and also tutoring a kid who is in 6th grade as a reason to get out of my room and get some fresh air and also to earn a bit of money as a motivational factor... Since one year I am also following Acharya Prashant and reading kabir sahib daily before lord Hanuman. I am trying to understand spirituality and I think I get it somewhat but there is not the environment around me to realise "truth" completely. Anyways, I think I will be able to make something out of my life. For now, I am trying to focus totally on becoming financial independent. So meeting my parents and sister once in a while becomes a choice not a necessity. I just want to be free.

Yesterday, I calculated that there are approximately 2.5 billion seconds in 80 years and 80 years is an average number of age of a human being. And there are around 8 billion people in the world. So there might be some people out there who will be decent enough to be my friends. Currently I am working on myself to be worth of someone's time. I also plan to travel places, first the country I was born at, which is India and then other countries(Japan, Sri Lanka, USA, Britain, Russia, Iraq etc). I also plan to learn some instruments like flute and guitar. And also some languages like sanskrit, Tamil, Japanese and German. Apart from all of this I also plan to find the glorious purpose of life for me. Something which needs to be done in this world to make it a better place and which will also make me a better person.

This is the first time I expressed my self here in this forum. I am grateful for anyone who took time to read something which is written by a worthless piece of shit like me. Thank you.


I just want internal and eternal peace like everyone else here or anywhere. May we all get it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't feel like I can CTB while my Dad is still alive. I don't think he would get over it.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, of course I absolutely despise life and I view non existence as always being the preferable option, so the only reason as to why I'm still here is the fact that suicide involves so many difficulties, complications, risks and is just something that feels inaccessible for me in general.

It's tragic how society stigmatises suicide and how reliable methods get restricted from us and of course if it was easier to leave I would be long gone at this point. It's tiring feeling trapped here and I know that I've sadly existed for far too long, but eventually I will have to find a way.

 

[Versailles]

Maybe my hope for a best future, a stupid hope, i know, but, I'm trying to keep almost something

 

[sevenkarmas]

I worry about my wife and kids. Even though they won't talk to me, return emails or text messages, I am concerned that they are going to struggle. I'm still providing financial assistance. My wife has a disease that impacts her cognitive ability and decision making. She's taking a lot of drugs for her health conditions. She also had trauma in her late teens (I was there to pick up the pieces). My fear is that one day she wakes up and gets clarity of what is going on and wants to reconcile, but I won't be there.

I'm to the point where I understand there won't be a reconciliation. Life going forward will be incredibly difficult.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I'm waiting for a stressor or stimuli to push me over the edge.

I'm right on the edge, just waiting for an impulsive push.

A little something, a tiny little thing that'll tick me off to pull the plug.

 

[myownpetvirus]

In my case, of course I absolutely despise life and I view non existence as always being the preferable option, so the only reason as to why I'm still here is the fact that suicide involves so many difficulties, complications, risks and is just something that feels inaccessible for me in general.

It's tragic how society stigmatises suicide and how reliable methods get restricted from us and of course if it was easier to leave I would be long gone at this point. It's tiring feeling trapped here and I know that I've sadly existed for far too long, but eventually I will have to find a way.

You spilled

 

[SleeplessSoul]

Partly just the guilt of hurting my friends who have become like family, partly just making sure I have everything j need for an attempt that's actually likely to work. Mostly though, and this is going to sound really stupid, I have teaching commitments that I can't really stop doing because they're for a friend?

I'm gonna teach and see my favourite theatre show in the summer and then it's time.

 

[asterisk3]

"Respect" for myself in that I won't give in to sui until I'm shattered into pieces for good, but at this point I fear I'm just coping since I know I'm living on borrowed time. Truth is it's really hard for me to achieve anything of substance, and maybe I won't. Just one very bad or two nowadays and it's over for good. So I guess I'm fighting a battle with an arrow pierced through my chest, or something along those lines.

 

[martinso67]

It aches my heart that i have no access to N or similar euthanasia substance.
I feel sad and I cant cry because I suffer so much because i have no autonomy over my body to end it.

My freedom is already limited by society by having to work and adhere to useless rules. I don't care about wealth or freedom of speech. At least PLEASE i want to have freedom on how and when i want to end my life.
People are so cruel.

 

[SamTam33]

Laziness/Drunkenness: I refuse to do any of the preliminary tasks I've deemed as necessary before I ctb.

I refuse to sober up long enough to drive to my ctb spot (about 45 minutes away).

Stubborness: I want to see if I can convince someone to hire me. I want to see if I can get back to that place where I had money and threw parties and wore cute outfits and listened to non-ctb music.

I know in my soul that those days are gone forever, but I keep accepting the Zoom invites for job interviews.

I don't know how to stop trying to "fix" things. I've always hated that about myself: the capacity to fuck shit up beyond all recognition, then commence to trying to fix it.

It's masochistic.

Besides those two things - nothing else is holding me here.

 

[hyacinths]

i owe a dear friend some money for a vacation we went on together. after it's paid, i think i can allow myself to go.

 

[BlazingBob]

Dogs