UmbraDweller
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- Sep 15, 2023
- 139
It's literally always at my fingertips, just few taps on this phone and everything arrives in no time, it couldn't be easier. I'm in almost perfect position. I have enough of money for everything needed to CTB. I don't work or study, noone to take care of, no desires, no real life connections to hurt other than my close family who I barely speak to. I don't exist outside of my room. Day to day life is just loop of laying in bed and sitting by pc, and that's been years now. I already came to all conclusions about life being pointless evil hell hole I've been forced into against my will. There's nothing new to think about or consider, I keep only repeating myself in my head at this point. I'm absolutely sure that this is what I want and that it's best for me. Yada yada...
Yet I'm still not taking the steps. The only thing that still kinda stays in my way are fears which I progress to overcome. Not succeeding can be random, but it's usually bad preparations which can be avoided. With the fear of unknown and process of dying I remind myself that death will happen no matter what. If it's not by my own hand, then by some much more painful natural causes or injuries, therefore suicide is less scary than waiting for inevitable death to come by itself. Still I'm not ready and I can't really tell why, I probably just need more reassurence.
Sometimes death feels too unreal also. It's almost as something unachievable on level of walking through the walls or something. Guess I'm stuck in loop of rotting alive for now.
Yet I'm still not taking the steps. The only thing that still kinda stays in my way are fears which I progress to overcome. Not succeeding can be random, but it's usually bad preparations which can be avoided. With the fear of unknown and process of dying I remind myself that death will happen no matter what. If it's not by my own hand, then by some much more painful natural causes or injuries, therefore suicide is less scary than waiting for inevitable death to come by itself. Still I'm not ready and I can't really tell why, I probably just need more reassurence.
Sometimes death feels too unreal also. It's almost as something unachievable on level of walking through the walls or something. Guess I'm stuck in loop of rotting alive for now.