UmbraDweller

UmbraDweller

.
Sep 15, 2023
139
It's literally always at my fingertips, just few taps on this phone and everything arrives in no time, it couldn't be easier. I'm in almost perfect position. I have enough of money for everything needed to CTB. I don't work or study, noone to take care of, no desires, no real life connections to hurt other than my close family who I barely speak to. I don't exist outside of my room. Day to day life is just loop of laying in bed and sitting by pc, and that's been years now. I already came to all conclusions about life being pointless evil hell hole I've been forced into against my will. There's nothing new to think about or consider, I keep only repeating myself in my head at this point. I'm absolutely sure that this is what I want and that it's best for me. Yada yada...
Yet I'm still not taking the steps. The only thing that still kinda stays in my way are fears which I progress to overcome. Not succeeding can be random, but it's usually bad preparations which can be avoided. With the fear of unknown and process of dying I remind myself that death will happen no matter what. If it's not by my own hand, then by some much more painful natural causes or injuries, therefore suicide is less scary than waiting for inevitable death to come by itself. Still I'm not ready and I can't really tell why, I probably just need more reassurence.
Sometimes death feels too unreal also. It's almost as something unachievable on level of walking through the walls or something. Guess I'm stuck in loop of rotting alive for now.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Fall_Apart, Hotsackage, LoiteringClouds and 8 others
M

mehdone

Mortician
Oct 10, 2023
294
The desire to actually live and maybe be happy experiencing life is what currently keeps me alive. Prior to that, it was SI.

But I mean hell, I can purchase a 50 pound/22kg bag of SN or a .45 handgun for $200, so it's always a bit of a walking the line, isn't it?

I'm scared to buy those things because I know I would use them. If I had them on hand… yeah.
 
  • Like
Reactions: LoiteringClouds, ColorlessTrees, dggtscccvfd and 2 others
tychai

tychai

ehehe
Apr 30, 2024
43
circumstances constantly changing and rebounding between positive and negative extremes basically daily make it impossible to be certain enough on the idea to make necessary preparations to succeed
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: LoiteringClouds, Alexei_Kirillov and whywere
Saturn_

Saturn_

Arcanist
Apr 22, 2024
423
Not knowing what happens after we die. Lots and lots of SI, too.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Fall_Apart, LoiteringClouds, ColorlessTrees and 3 others
I

illuposolitarioita

Member
May 3, 2024
24
perché la tua mente si aggrappa a tutto per rimanere in vita, perché non si può tornare indietro, CTB è inevitabile quando nient'altro può salvarti, quando il dolore è troppo forte, se tutto andrà bene domani sarà il mio CTB, ho superato la paura, sento solo il desiderio di liberarmi da tutto
 
  • Like
Reactions: Alexei_Kirillov
Felodese

Felodese

Experienced
Mar 31, 2024
278
Indecisiveness, ambivalence. I feel like suicide is the only way out of this, and everything is ready, but I still can't make up my mind to do it.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: unnamed2, LoiteringClouds and ColorlessTrees
P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,508
I actually don't want to die - but circumstances force me to die (at least in a way that is clear that it would be so much better if I was dead). Fear of failure - to me there is no other option but to be successful in the first attempt the shame and agony of failing would be unbearable. My mum wouldn't survive me CTB, too. She never can understand why I want CTB after failing big in life.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: mehdone, LoiteringClouds and whywere
U

UKscotty

Doesn't read PMs
May 20, 2021
2,450
Hope is the one thing I think.
My depression is like a wave, sometimes there, sometimes not. More often there than now.

No one wants to die, the natural condition is to want to love, be happy and experience limitless joy. Depression makes it so we see suffering and bleakness instead.

People will come up with all sorts of reasons, lack of access, fear of failing, wanting to meet some deadline etc but they all link back to hope.

When all hope is truly gone, we will find a way to pass from this life.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Praestat_Mori
4am

4am

there’s nothing for you (it/its)
Dec 14, 2023
3,332
don't have a method yet
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds and Praestat_Mori
AmericanMary

AmericanMary

Mage
Apr 30, 2024
599
slow shipping speeds
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds, Alexei_Kirillov and 4am
W

whywere

Illuminated
Jun 26, 2020
3,027
I have had 2 attempts and at the age of 68 and going to retire by the age of 70 at the latest, I have always loved traveling and I am going to REALLY travel. On my list is: Australia, Nepal, Antarctic, to start. Also, Fiji Islands, Easter Island, A trip to the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg and so many more locations.

I know all about ctb and the crappy hospital stays that are FORCED on a person.

Walter
 
  • Love
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds, divinemistress36 and Praestat_Mori
fleetingnight

fleetingnight

incapable of shutting up
May 2, 2024
647
I have a couple stupid hopes and dreams that I can't shake. No matter how many times it gets proven to me that I don't have what it takes, I feel like I have to just do something before I die, even just one thing that matters
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds
C.Alder

C.Alder

🐛
Aug 17, 2023
6
It's literally always at my fingertips, just few taps on this phone and everything arrives in no time, it couldn't be easier. I'm in almost perfect position. I have enough of money for everything needed to CTB. I don't work or study, noone to take care of, no desires, no real life connections to hurt other than my close family who I barely speak to. I don't exist outside of my room. Day to day life is just loop of laying in bed and sitting by pc, and that's been years now. I already came to all conclusions about life being pointless evil hell hole I've been forced into against my will. There's nothing new to think about or consider, I keep only repeating myself in my head at this point. I'm absolutely sure that this is what I want and that it's best for me. Yada yada...
Yet I'm still not taking the steps. The only thing that still kinda stays in my way are fears which I progress to overcome. Not succeeding can be random, but it's usually bad preparations which can be avoided. With the fear of unknown and process of dying I remind myself that death will happen no matter what. If it's not by my own hand, then by some much more painful natural causes or injuries, therefore suicide is less scary than waiting for inevitable death to come by itself. Still I'm not ready and I can't really tell why, I probably just need more reassurence.
Sometimes death feels too unreal also. It's almost as something unachievable on level of walking through the walls or something. Guess I'm stuck in loop of rotting alive for now.
i always have something to do, like no matter how bad i feel, i have a rehearsal to go to, a concert, private lessons etc and idk why but that fs it's by biggest deterrent i think
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,878
I envy those who can easily access painless, reliable methods, it must be such a relief for them. What I'd fear is trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering, I really wish there's the option to just fall into an eternal, dreamless sleep.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Fall_Apart, sserafim and 4am
Red Moon

Red Moon

Warlock
Sep 21, 2022
722
Lack of methods, fear of failure, not knowing what comes after this and I think it's called the survival instinct.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: LoiteringClouds and sserafim
Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Waiting for my next window of opportunity
Mar 9, 2024
1,030
For me it's lack of energy + SI
perché la tua mente si aggrappa a tutto per rimanere in vita, perché non si può tornare indietro, CTB è inevitabile quando nient'altro può salvarti, quando il dolore è troppo forte, se tutto andrà bene domani sarà il mio CTB, ho superato la paura, sento solo il desiderio di liberarmi da tutto
Credi veramente che possiamo CTB soltanto quando non c'è neanche altra opzione? Non lo so...non voglio perdere tutto prima di CTB.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: LoiteringClouds
sserafim

sserafim

brighter than the sun, that’s just me
Sep 13, 2023
9,013
Fear of failing an attempt and being left with permanent damage. I'm scared of the consequences of failure. I don't want to be even worse off
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: akwa, Fall_Apart, LoiteringClouds and 1 other person
neverLoved

neverLoved

Member
May 4, 2024
42
Still stuck on the pain I'll bring to my already broken family. My mom already gets extremely worried from the smallest things which happen to me. She recently started getting better and living life more after decades of suffering.

Can't imagine what it will do to her if I ended it.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,154
Executive dysfunction makes it so I can't even get started on some of the plans I need to make.
 
  • Like
Reactions: sserafim
MeowTheFlemishCat

MeowTheFlemishCat

"The snake that cannot shed its skin perishes"
Mar 3, 2023
264
Unfinished business also fear of what comes after but it's inevitable so might as well face it standing up than laying down.
 
H

Hotsackage

Enlightened
Mar 11, 2019
1,040
I kno war that's like, best wishes
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
3,640
I want to be happy and at peace with myself when I ctb, so I won't be attempting again until I've achieved this. Even if I end up failing and ctb before I get to that point then at least I know I tried and that's enough for me.
 
untothedepths

untothedepths

ego death, then death
Mar 20, 2023
587
Oh, you know, no expendable income to drop one thousand dollars on inert gas and only have cutting, hanging, drowning, and ingesting toxic chemicals. Just the most painful or unpleasant methods. Can burn myself too, just need to find somewhere were I am not going to hurt or harm anyone *unintentionally, and there won't be the fire department to "rescue me". (So burning is out, refer to other methods.)
 
cinderdust

cinderdust

aspiring an hero
Apr 27, 2024
14
Lack of conveniently acquirable supplies, no private space. Will likely take months of planning to get to a good spot w/ either.
 

Similar threads

_crgam
Replies
17
Views
777
Suicide Discussion
hixey
H
C
Replies
1
Views
139
Suicide Discussion
blackbeauty
blackbeauty
kuniwan
Replies
3
Views
153
Recovery
blackbeauty
blackbeauty
R
Replies
26
Views
353
Politics & Philosophy
divinemistress36
divinemistress36