Rational Actor
Member
- Oct 27, 2024
- 6
I am a white male in my late 50s who, after first losing my beautiful, incredibly smart, absolutely hilarious Australian Shepherd dog of 15 years and then having three professional jobs and corresponding "life reboot" plans in a row end in bitter disappointment, I gave up on life and decided to drink myself to death as a lifelong high-functioning alcoholic. (I have no children, my parents are deceased, and I am estranged from my worthless brother and sister. No one will miss me.) I astutely realized that given my age and series of professional failures (that were not my fault despite my increasingly pronounced alcoholism) I was unlikely to ever get another high-paying Tech job again and was facing an unbearably bleak future having meager savings as a result of living well beyond my means in one of the most expensive cities in America. So, five years ago I decided to fuck off and drink and never work again until my money ran out at which point I would buy a gun with my last $500 and shoot myself in the head.
This all would have worked out fabulously if I had not unfortunately periodically experienced excruciating alcohol and benzodiazepine withdrawals that various emergency departments refused to treat because the moralizing doctors wanted to make me suffer for being a degenerate drunk. This then led to rash, desperate suicide attempts because I was in so much physical and mental anguish from the withdrawals that I simply wanted the unbearable pain to end. (My COBRA health insurance had expired and there were no Medical-supported detox facilities in my area, not that I was particularly interested in getting sober.)
For anyone considering suicide, I implore you to avoid desperate situations like these at all costs. Because if you act rashly, you are unlikely to succeed in killing yourself (by using ill-considered methods that are doomed to fail). But you will almost certainly succeed in getting yourself locked away in a "psychiatric facility," i.e., an obscene for-profit insane asylum for drug-addicted, psychotic street people spouting gibberish and screaming at the walls thus preventing you from purchasing a firearm for five years. Trust me, if you feel like a failure in life already, failing to kill yourself in embarrassing ways will exponentially increase your distress.
Because I was rash and foolish and tried to slit my wrists in my first suicide attempt (and on my fifth attempt ran my car into a brick wall at 70 miles per hour without my seatbelt on with equally "comical" results,) I have been held on two different 5150 psychiatric holds. That means I still have two years to go before I can legally purchase a firearm. But I can't go on living for two more years. Just the thought of it is unbearable.
So, I am here trying to figure out the most humane alternative to shooting myself in the head. Incidentally, I have thought of walking around notoriously "bad" neighborhoods in my city asking random strangers if they have a gun for sale. But I will most likely get arrested or worse, robbed and beaten if I do that. I have zero interest in living because my life is already intolerable and will, without a miracle, get much worse as I get even older. I do take a small measure of comfort in the fact that I have at least learned my lesson. Even though I am utterly miserable and rightly without hope and desperately want to die, I am, for now, avoiding the temptation to run out in front of a bus because rash, desperate suicide attempts of this sort have made my life even worse.
I had planned to book a room at a high-rise luxury hotel this coming weekend and jump from the balcony of my room even though that seems like a terrifying and potentially horrifically painful way to die. However, I just read about Sodium Nitrite and would like to learn more about its effectiveness and whether I am likely to suffer before dying from ingesting it. Although I am not the least bit afraid to die after five suicide attempts in as many years, I would like to avoid a painful death if at all possible.
This all would have worked out fabulously if I had not unfortunately periodically experienced excruciating alcohol and benzodiazepine withdrawals that various emergency departments refused to treat because the moralizing doctors wanted to make me suffer for being a degenerate drunk. This then led to rash, desperate suicide attempts because I was in so much physical and mental anguish from the withdrawals that I simply wanted the unbearable pain to end. (My COBRA health insurance had expired and there were no Medical-supported detox facilities in my area, not that I was particularly interested in getting sober.)
For anyone considering suicide, I implore you to avoid desperate situations like these at all costs. Because if you act rashly, you are unlikely to succeed in killing yourself (by using ill-considered methods that are doomed to fail). But you will almost certainly succeed in getting yourself locked away in a "psychiatric facility," i.e., an obscene for-profit insane asylum for drug-addicted, psychotic street people spouting gibberish and screaming at the walls thus preventing you from purchasing a firearm for five years. Trust me, if you feel like a failure in life already, failing to kill yourself in embarrassing ways will exponentially increase your distress.
Because I was rash and foolish and tried to slit my wrists in my first suicide attempt (and on my fifth attempt ran my car into a brick wall at 70 miles per hour without my seatbelt on with equally "comical" results,) I have been held on two different 5150 psychiatric holds. That means I still have two years to go before I can legally purchase a firearm. But I can't go on living for two more years. Just the thought of it is unbearable.
So, I am here trying to figure out the most humane alternative to shooting myself in the head. Incidentally, I have thought of walking around notoriously "bad" neighborhoods in my city asking random strangers if they have a gun for sale. But I will most likely get arrested or worse, robbed and beaten if I do that. I have zero interest in living because my life is already intolerable and will, without a miracle, get much worse as I get even older. I do take a small measure of comfort in the fact that I have at least learned my lesson. Even though I am utterly miserable and rightly without hope and desperately want to die, I am, for now, avoiding the temptation to run out in front of a bus because rash, desperate suicide attempts of this sort have made my life even worse.
I had planned to book a room at a high-rise luxury hotel this coming weekend and jump from the balcony of my room even though that seems like a terrifying and potentially horrifically painful way to die. However, I just read about Sodium Nitrite and would like to learn more about its effectiveness and whether I am likely to suffer before dying from ingesting it. Although I am not the least bit afraid to die after five suicide attempts in as many years, I would like to avoid a painful death if at all possible.
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