Venting "Whatever he does, he's still your father."

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I got into a guilt trip for lashing out at my narcissistic father this morning. I can't shake the feeling of being the one in the wrong, however I tried to reason and come to terms with myself—that my reaction was both spontaneous and uncontrollable, and no amount of self-restraint could have prevented it. Pathetic, I know. I'm tired of being taken on a Yin/Yang rollercoaster of conflicted feelings, of gratitude and indebtedness, and burnout and resentment. I want to make it stop before I lose my mind.

Not that anyone said the above to my face. But rather, this post (rant) is directed at the cultural mindset of making compromises to preserve interpersonal harmony which, needless to say, has taken a toll on my mental wellbeing. Come to think of it, my subconscious deserves an award for acting in my stead and doing whatever it takes to reject the Narcissist's hoover.

 

[Pluto]

From my experience, dealing with Nfather is a recipe for madness. The simple reason is that one party is engaging in good faith, while the other is functioning as a lawyer/politician with devious intentions.

 

[VirtualSnow]

I guess it's a cultural thing, but I've always thought that there's the family you get thrown into, the one you choose or none at all. Just because someone appeared in some specific family doesn't mean they have to stand it or let it have a negative toll in their life, it's not the person's fault to appear in there.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

From my experience, dealing with Nfather is a recipe for madness. The simple reason is that one party is engaging in good faith, while the other is functioning as a lawyer/politician with devious intentions.

Wow, you must be psychic! Nfather is an engineer by profession, but he completed a law course and is qualified to practice law, which he does as a side job. Ngl, academic-wise he has accomplished incredible things.

Also, since I'm Asian, here's the quintessential Asian career choice meme to start the day.

 

[ClownMe]

Im so sorry @WhatDoesTheFoxSay? I know how incredibly frustrating it is to deal with narcissistic parents.

 

[makethepainstop]

I got into a guilt trip for lashing out at my narcissistic father this morning. I can't shake the feeling of being the one in the wrong, however I tried to reason and come to terms with myself—that my reaction was both spontaneous and uncontrollable, and no amount of self-restraint could have prevented it. Pathetic, I know. I'm tired of being taken on a Yin/Yang rollercoaster of conflicted feelings, of gratitude and indebtedness, and burnout and resentment. I want to make it stop before I lose my mind.

Not that anyone said the above to my face. But rather, this post (rant) is directed at the cultural mindset of making compromises to preserve interpersonal harmony which, needless to say, has taken a toll on my mental wellbeing. Come to think of it, my subconscious deserves an award for acting in my stead and doing whatever it takes to reject the Narcissist's hoover.

My counterargument would be yes, he is my father, but I AM HIS SON!

 

[actual_fox]

Do you have to deal with him a lot?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Your meme game is strong, OP. I never understood this whole parental reverence thing myself. There's a fairly good chance that any given person's parent is not all that great in any number of ways. And then to disregard the feelings and judgement of the kid 100% simply by virtue of the fact that they're younger and have less life experience, yeah I dunno. Never sat right with me. Chances are you're more in tune with what you like and need than anyone else, irrespective of years on this planet.

If you did have some kind of outpouring of emotion, then I think that's fair enough. It's obviously some deep-seated thing that had been bubbling under the surface for some time and needed to come out. We can't just stow away our feelings forever. It's like a pressure cooker, the release valve needs to be opened at some point.

Wishing you luck and sanity. <3

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Do you have to deal with him a lot?

We live under the same roof. Would like to move out but don't have the means to do so...yet

My counterargument would be yes, he is my father, but I AM HIS SON!

 

[MindFrog]

Well you know how it is. Parents are always right and you're always wrong.

Except when they caused you bodily harm, everything can and should be be forgiven.

There's no room for your emotional needs when you have to stroke their fucking egos.

I'm lucky enough to cut contact with my father but until now there's still some guilt here and there. It never really disappears completely. Yeah, it might be some type of conditioning too.. If you've gotten used to dealing with their shit, it feels like you're the wrong one for "causing a fuss". I guess it's like breaking a habit.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Your meme game is strong, OP. I never understood this whole parental reverence thing myself. There's a fairly good chance that any given person's parent is not all that great in any number of ways. And then to disregard the feelings and judgement of the kid 100% simply by virtue of the fact that they're younger and have less life experience, yeah I dunno. Never sat right with me. Chances are you're more in tune with what you like and need than anyone else, irrespective of years on this planet.

If you did have some kind of outpouring of emotion, then I think that's fair enough. It's obviously some deep-seated thing that had been bubbling under the surface for some time and needed to come out. We can't just stow away our feelings forever. It's like a pressure cooker, the release valve needs to be opened at some point.

Wishing you luck and sanity. <3

Thank you for your kind words. I like your analogy of a pressure cooker—bottling it all up is indeed bad for you.

Yeah, I don't get the concept of filial piety either, and the word 'obligation' makes me cringe so much. Honor thy father. Blind obedience to absolute parental authority. Just for bringing you into existence. Family values my ass.

 

[actual_fox]

We live under the same roof. Would like to move out but don't have the means to do so...yet

Hopefully you can move out in the future. Best of luck Op

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Well you know how it is. Parents are always right and you're always wrong.

Except when they caused you bodily harm, everything can and should be be forgiven.

There's no room for your emotional needs when you have to stroke their fucking egos.

I'm lucky enough to cut contact with my father but until now there's still some guilt here and there. It never really disappears completely. Yeah, it might be some type of conditioning too.. If you've gotten used to dealing with their shit, it feels like you're the wrong one for "causing a fuss". I guess it's like breaking a habit.

You're right in that it's all a product of a toxic upbringing. We don't owe your parents anything, and shouldn't have been made to feel this way in the first place. You made the right decision to go NC. Deconditioning takes a lot of effort, but getting it off my chest is a good start.