WhatDoesTheFoxSay?
Hold your head high, and your middle finger higher
- Dec 25, 2020
- 1,135
I don't know if anyone still cares about the Offtopic section, but I thought I'd share some interesting experiences I had yesterday.
(For convenience, I'll just refer to my narcissistic father as Nfather. I've ranted at length about him here.)
Before I started my meditation practice at midday, I thought I wanted to address the feelings of guilt for having being cold and hostile to Nfather in recent years. All along, my inner voice(s) have been opposed to the idea of "making peace" with Nfather. To them, there should be no compromise with the enemy. (To give an example, last week my mom and I got into a small argument when I refused to even buy lunch for Nfather. The mere mention of the words "filial piety" riled up the inner voice, and he/they (it identifies itself that way) proceeded to call her 'weak'. (I didn't say that out loud, of course.))
So I asked them whether not we're doing the right thing. I mean, unlike many others, we have whatever we weed, and could possibly want. Not only that, but (Nfather and I) went to places and brought back many fond memories. So why not let the past stay in the past? And what's more, nowadays Nfather rarely bothers me (and my siblings), instead choosing to keep to himself in his room most of the time when he's off work. So I told them, "If (you) have a reason to keep doing what you do, then why don't (you) convince her (the emotional mind) so we don't have to feel so guilty all the time."
Sometime later, while I was having my lunch, my inner voice(s) responded. Rather spontaneously.
"Convince her (my emotional mind)? You've got to be kidding! We're the Army, not the goddamned Police! I'm a soldier, and our job is to protect you. Not tell you what's right or what's wrong! Even with all the reason in the world, we won't even get to her! And neither should you try! She can wail and cry and beat her breasts, but we're not going to give in to even a single one of her demands! It'll hurt, but I promise you it's worth it."
At night, I found yet another piece in this shitshow puzzle. With such a horrible realisation, I am now one hundred per cent convinced that Nfather made me ill. In my early days on SaSu, on the Chronic Illnesses megathread, I described the cyclic nature of lupus—of flares and remissions. One moment you're on top of the world and ready to take on everything, another you're down in the dumps and longing for sweet, sweet release. I thought it sounded familiar. To my Yin-yang roller-coaster relationship with Nfather, that is. As the Golden Child (thankfully, there are no true Scapegoats in the family), I was doted on and (child me) genuinely felt loved. However, not wanting to fall out of favour with him, I tried to live up to his expectations and said only what he wanted to hear. And, when he is angry, Nfather is a monster. During those occasional flare-ups, I would be cowering in fear, for both myself and those around me, especially Mom.
It couldn't be more fitting. An unpredictable ailment born of a mind confused by the whims of Nfather. My demons given form.
(For convenience, I'll just refer to my narcissistic father as Nfather. I've ranted at length about him here.)
Before I started my meditation practice at midday, I thought I wanted to address the feelings of guilt for having being cold and hostile to Nfather in recent years. All along, my inner voice(s) have been opposed to the idea of "making peace" with Nfather. To them, there should be no compromise with the enemy. (To give an example, last week my mom and I got into a small argument when I refused to even buy lunch for Nfather. The mere mention of the words "filial piety" riled up the inner voice, and he/they (it identifies itself that way) proceeded to call her 'weak'. (I didn't say that out loud, of course.))
So I asked them whether not we're doing the right thing. I mean, unlike many others, we have whatever we weed, and could possibly want. Not only that, but (Nfather and I) went to places and brought back many fond memories. So why not let the past stay in the past? And what's more, nowadays Nfather rarely bothers me (and my siblings), instead choosing to keep to himself in his room most of the time when he's off work. So I told them, "If (you) have a reason to keep doing what you do, then why don't (you) convince her (the emotional mind) so we don't have to feel so guilty all the time."
Sometime later, while I was having my lunch, my inner voice(s) responded. Rather spontaneously.
"Convince her (my emotional mind)? You've got to be kidding! We're the Army, not the goddamned Police! I'm a soldier, and our job is to protect you. Not tell you what's right or what's wrong! Even with all the reason in the world, we won't even get to her! And neither should you try! She can wail and cry and beat her breasts, but we're not going to give in to even a single one of her demands! It'll hurt, but I promise you it's worth it."
At night, I found yet another piece in this shitshow puzzle. With such a horrible realisation, I am now one hundred per cent convinced that Nfather made me ill. In my early days on SaSu, on the Chronic Illnesses megathread, I described the cyclic nature of lupus—of flares and remissions. One moment you're on top of the world and ready to take on everything, another you're down in the dumps and longing for sweet, sweet release. I thought it sounded familiar. To my Yin-yang roller-coaster relationship with Nfather, that is. As the Golden Child (thankfully, there are no true Scapegoats in the family), I was doted on and (child me) genuinely felt loved. However, not wanting to fall out of favour with him, I tried to live up to his expectations and said only what he wanted to hear. And, when he is angry, Nfather is a monster. During those occasional flare-ups, I would be cowering in fear, for both myself and those around me, especially Mom.
It couldn't be more fitting. An unpredictable ailment born of a mind confused by the whims of Nfather. My demons given form.
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