Worsethangarbage
Student
- Nov 13, 2018
- 138
Background
Breaks down finally after mid terms. Not like I failed them, I was in the top 5 I think. It was just a push from all the stress that backfired so hard. Stop going to school. Think about suicide since life is shitty and never been so good, I guess. I could count the number of times I was happy (actually not many). Never felt excited or shit and be gloomy.
First wave
Be dumb from all the stress and problems. Stops thinking, every night tries to drown in a bucket of water in winter. Damn, that was so stupid but I was just so out of it to even think of anything else. Did that for a week and next morning goes to school. Cycle repeats!
Gets desperate, searches for LD50 of common salt. Sees a small amount (not really but at the time, I thought that was small), drinks it. After a while, starts vomiting. Keep doing that until family notices that he has been going to washroom too much. Sees that bathroom is a big pile of mess with vomit everywhere. Family asks what's up? well nothing, I just wasn't feeling good. Sees that the filled bottle of salt is empty. Boom, starts getting unconscious after a while. Gets into the hospital and gets some IV and injection. Goes to school the third day. People ask what's up? says nope, nothing was just skipping for fun.
Second wave
Reads about the legendary partial. Thinks it's easy.
> could also use a tie
Sees that and uses his school uniform's tie. Tries a few times until It breaks off.
Gets irritated. Picks up a knife and starts cutting but doesn't feel anything. Next morning, family sees cut and a broken tie. Asks what's up? I said, dunno and laugh since I was frazy. Family guilty trips me (expected as much). Nothing helpful here, tho. I said I would like to see a psych a year ago or more but was ignored until this happened. Nothing special after this either. Guilty tripping every day for being a fucking burden.
Third wave
Researches more.
Come across this forum. Checks all the good stuff. Decides on SN since it's available. Orders this https://www.amazon.in/QUALI-TECH-CH...qid=1547033488&sr=8-4&keywords=sodium+nitrite
patiently waits for a few weeks since it's holidays. Diwali in India. Thinking everything will be alright and I can die peacefully. Holidays finished, gets delivery call. The package is broken. Dad gets a fucking call and goes there finds crystals. Asks what is it? makes a dumb excuse. Also, didn't think it was legit anyways.
Becomes depressed again after waiting for it. Starts partial again as a way to relieve stress using a tshirt.
Hopes he can die some way every night when sleeping. Stops eating thinking it would lead to death.
Fourth wave
Starts researching more and more. But everything is out of reach. Doesn't have any money and getting money from parents mean they would ask what you are buying. So just start searching for a way to fool them. Gets across multiple threads like night night, fent, benzo, GHB, potassium chloride intravenous, black out, exit bag, helium balloons, amp, jumping, etc.
Suffers highly from social anxiety or not social anxiety maybe a fear of crowd/sounds of people talking. Can't go out. There's no tall building. Thinks about going on bike and jumping into an accident but seems painful and unreliable. Keeps having weird thoughts about dying in odd ways. Searches about making cyanide and other stuff, prepares a recipe but is not reliable. Checks that you can die by eating wild almonds hmm. Thinks about it. Goes to ebay and searches for it. Seems unreliable.
Tries dehydration hehe. Fails, off course.
Fifth wave
Sees more and more posts about plastic bags. Checks for plastic bag. Reads that you only need 20 mins to die. Tries it despite knowing it's not reliable since desperate. First time, tears apart the whole thing. Second time, waits for a while before doing it. Painful...I guess. Does this right next to his parents room. Walls are not sound proof. >w< Gets a USB cable and tries to partially hang using it. Seems strong enough since he can't get a proper rope. Tries it but fails. Still keep doing it. Gets a braided cord and tries that but fails off course but keeps trying anyways. Makes fun of himself for being a pathetic loser. Any rational thoughts gets out of the window. Thinks only about killing himself.
Sixth wave
Now thinking about just putting various stuff he can find in the home and hopefully die like his toothpaste, deo, whatever....his mind is stopping him from doing it....but he is getting crazy each day and more risky-disky.
And now he is studying for tomorrow's tests.....because boo, skipped school too much but gotta take that test so he doesn't fail a grade. Next wave might be...boom Idk...
Here I am now. Being the pathetic human that I am. AMA!
(tries to be funny since there's just nothing....to laugh at..........dunno man life's just so fucked up.)
Would love to hear what others have tried. Any suggestion for a method that doesn't need many stuff, I guess. As for me, I am probably gonna try bleeding to death or something like plastic bag tonight. For now, I am just gonna focus on studying. If I fail, I will just go to school.
Breaks down finally after mid terms. Not like I failed them, I was in the top 5 I think. It was just a push from all the stress that backfired so hard. Stop going to school. Think about suicide since life is shitty and never been so good, I guess. I could count the number of times I was happy (actually not many). Never felt excited or shit and be gloomy.
First wave
Be dumb from all the stress and problems. Stops thinking, every night tries to drown in a bucket of water in winter. Damn, that was so stupid but I was just so out of it to even think of anything else. Did that for a week and next morning goes to school. Cycle repeats!
Gets desperate, searches for LD50 of common salt. Sees a small amount (not really but at the time, I thought that was small), drinks it. After a while, starts vomiting. Keep doing that until family notices that he has been going to washroom too much. Sees that bathroom is a big pile of mess with vomit everywhere. Family asks what's up? well nothing, I just wasn't feeling good. Sees that the filled bottle of salt is empty. Boom, starts getting unconscious after a while. Gets into the hospital and gets some IV and injection. Goes to school the third day. People ask what's up? says nope, nothing was just skipping for fun.
Second wave
Reads about the legendary partial. Thinks it's easy.
> could also use a tie
Sees that and uses his school uniform's tie. Tries a few times until It breaks off.
Gets irritated. Picks up a knife and starts cutting but doesn't feel anything. Next morning, family sees cut and a broken tie. Asks what's up? I said, dunno and laugh since I was frazy. Family guilty trips me (expected as much). Nothing helpful here, tho. I said I would like to see a psych a year ago or more but was ignored until this happened. Nothing special after this either. Guilty tripping every day for being a fucking burden.
Third wave
Researches more.
Come across this forum. Checks all the good stuff. Decides on SN since it's available. Orders this https://www.amazon.in/QUALI-TECH-CH...qid=1547033488&sr=8-4&keywords=sodium+nitrite
patiently waits for a few weeks since it's holidays. Diwali in India. Thinking everything will be alright and I can die peacefully. Holidays finished, gets delivery call. The package is broken. Dad gets a fucking call and goes there finds crystals. Asks what is it? makes a dumb excuse. Also, didn't think it was legit anyways.
Becomes depressed again after waiting for it. Starts partial again as a way to relieve stress using a tshirt.
Hopes he can die some way every night when sleeping. Stops eating thinking it would lead to death.
Fourth wave
Starts researching more and more. But everything is out of reach. Doesn't have any money and getting money from parents mean they would ask what you are buying. So just start searching for a way to fool them. Gets across multiple threads like night night, fent, benzo, GHB, potassium chloride intravenous, black out, exit bag, helium balloons, amp, jumping, etc.
Suffers highly from social anxiety or not social anxiety maybe a fear of crowd/sounds of people talking. Can't go out. There's no tall building. Thinks about going on bike and jumping into an accident but seems painful and unreliable. Keeps having weird thoughts about dying in odd ways. Searches about making cyanide and other stuff, prepares a recipe but is not reliable. Checks that you can die by eating wild almonds hmm. Thinks about it. Goes to ebay and searches for it. Seems unreliable.
Tries dehydration hehe. Fails, off course.
Fifth wave
Sees more and more posts about plastic bags. Checks for plastic bag. Reads that you only need 20 mins to die. Tries it despite knowing it's not reliable since desperate. First time, tears apart the whole thing. Second time, waits for a while before doing it. Painful...I guess. Does this right next to his parents room. Walls are not sound proof. >w< Gets a USB cable and tries to partially hang using it. Seems strong enough since he can't get a proper rope. Tries it but fails. Still keep doing it. Gets a braided cord and tries that but fails off course but keeps trying anyways. Makes fun of himself for being a pathetic loser. Any rational thoughts gets out of the window. Thinks only about killing himself.
Sixth wave
Now thinking about just putting various stuff he can find in the home and hopefully die like his toothpaste, deo, whatever....his mind is stopping him from doing it....but he is getting crazy each day and more risky-disky.
And now he is studying for tomorrow's tests.....because boo, skipped school too much but gotta take that test so he doesn't fail a grade. Next wave might be...boom Idk...
Here I am now. Being the pathetic human that I am. AMA!
(tries to be funny since there's just nothing....to laugh at..........dunno man life's just so fucked up.)
Would love to hear what others have tried. Any suggestion for a method that doesn't need many stuff, I guess. As for me, I am probably gonna try bleeding to death or something like plastic bag tonight. For now, I am just gonna focus on studying. If I fail, I will just go to school.
Last edited:
