What would you suggest?

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I don't know how to handle this. What do you think?

My adult (age mid-40's) daughter and I have not spoken in four plus years. Her decision. Haven't seen my grandchildren, nor heard from them (now 12 and 10). Until last year, I sent kids gifts on holidays, birthdays and such. I stopped last year as I don't know what to send and when I sent cash, I don't know if they even received it.

In the fall, I received text messages from my grand daughter (now 12) saying she has transitioned to male. I was shocked to hear from him at all. I asked where he got my number, said from his Mom (my daughter). I was so thrilled to hear from him. So every few weeks, he would text. I asked if his mother is okay with that, didn't want to cause trouble. He said it was okay.

His birthday is in December. I did not send anything, a decision I had made after the year before. I received a hateful angry text about not remembering his birthday. I responded that I know just how that feels as nobody remembered mine either.

The thing is, whenever I hear from him, it pushes me back into the black pit of despair. It reminds me of the loss, the reasons why I consider suicide. In self defense, I think it best for me to stop this. Change my number. Ghost him. But he is only 12 and transitioning is so difficult (I do think his family is supportive) that what if I am his escape? Conversations have been easy going, probably boring him. But it tears me apart because it reminds me of so much.

I have accepted that I will never see or hear from my daughter again. The sea level rise is higher from my tears. I really don't want this to continue.

Now what??

Edited to add: I actually would prefer for them to just think I died. But I can't think of a way to do that. I want to be left alone now. I gave up on any contact and that helped. Till this happened.

 

[timf]

There are people who are selfish to the point of blasting anyone in their way or who even annoy them. I understand the pain when it is discovered that your own child or grandchild is like this. A parent may never stop trying to think of what they did wrong or neglected to do right that caused this result. While the pain never goes away, it can be some solace that a person's core personality is not the result of how one was reared.

Your decision to distance yourself is the best you can hope for. There is no way to make them better people who might care about you. If you are inclined, you may wish to pray for them as this can put some of the energy of your hurt to work and could provide some relief for you.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

So do I block this child? Change my number? Abandon him (like his parents did me)?

I really don't care if he is trans, if that makes him happy. But it is very strange that he contacted me, first words were about that, btw. Did he do this as part of his coming out? Or to go against his family's wishes? Or to feel love from someone, anyone? Is he contemplating suicide? If I go NC, what will that do to him? I do not want to hurt him but this feels like self preservation. If he were an adult, I would tell him the truth. But he is too young for that.

 

[Lostandlooking]

No-one can tell you what to do, ultimately it's your decision. Like you said, he's very young and you're aware of the pain you would cause him if you go no contact. But the pain you're experiencing is great as well. Is something of a compromise possible? Would it help if you guys kept up some sort of contact, but maybe less, or different from what you're doing now? Would you feel comfortable with that? I don't see my dad very often, he's been absent in many ways. But if he would have been gone completely it would have been worse for me.

edit: missing a granddad is less bad than having to miss a parent. In my experience at least. Though it could be good for him, you could make a difference in life. It's still your decision, hope you're able to find a way to deal with this. Sending hugs

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

It's a conundrum. Just when I think I have something all figured out...

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I don't think he is too young to know. Probably he's already well aware of the issues between you and his mother. Otherwise he probably would've been suspicious and asked you about it since things wouldnt be adding up (or your daughter would've stopped it). He's not 5 or 7, he's 12 and is close to going to high school where he will start to learn these things the hard way. It's better if you tell him the truth from a loving prespective, in a way that he can process and learn to accept it before it influences his life negatively. When kids are left in the dark about this sorta thing it never turns out well. Kids can barely control anything in their lives. Their instinct will be to blame themselves and try to figure out what they lacked that could cause the adult(s) they love and trust to leave them without warning like that.

It sounds like he cherished the relationship with you in some way, and that's why he was so hurt when you didn't seem to remember his birthday. Kids always get sensitive about that sorta thing, especially at his age. He might've been having a bad time and lashed out. It's not right of course, but he's still a child.

Why don't you try asking him why he first contacted you? He might say it was just a coming out thing. Maybe he really wanted to build a relationship with you. Or he heard some things from his mom and wanted to see if they were true. In any case, it will give you closure and you can develop a clearer plan from there. If it turns out that he isn't relying on you for emotional support or anything, you will feel much better if you decide to go NC from that point on since you'll know that you aren't a crutch for him.

You're the adult here though, and he's the kid. And in some way he probably hopes that you love him and want to know about his life. It's important to convey that. Suddenly ghosting him without explanation would hurt his feelings no matter what, even if he doesn't count on you as an escape. Ultimately it's up to you of course.

He can only understand what you tell and show him. Weigh your options, only you know the true extent of the situation. I think that either way, it's best to let him know that it's not his fault. Just for the sake of his future self-esteem.

 

[timf]

This should really be more about you than the child. Her parents are the ones responsible for being supportive or discouraging. You don't want to be a punching bag for those who do not like you (even if they are family).

The trans phenomena came into fashion only a few years ago. Fifty percent of those who go down this path will attempt suicide. This is not widely known and often discounted as a result of those who are not accepting. However, perhaps consideration should also be given to the possibility that many come to regret choosing this path.

Since they are not asking your advice or desire to benefit from the wisdom of your years, it seems that the only role they wish you to fill is that of buying presents and endorsing their views. It may be too high a price to pay just to be an occasional "windup toy" they use to accessorize their lives.

The phrase "never good enough" indicates a failure to measure up to others standards. However, this may also indicate that you have traveled a path with too many selfish people who measure "good enough" by how much they can extract from you. At some point measuring yourself should be at least equally important. In this you may be surprised at how well you do measure up.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

@everydayiloveyou and @timf

Thank you for your responses.

I have been amazingly calm during this last texting episode, which seemed rather strange. Maybe this is what kids do now???

Anyway, I am just letting him lead the way for now. This time, it didn't seem to have such an impact on me as in the past. I have decided to ask why he decided to contact me after all this time.

I must be careful in explanations of what happened. There was an ugly argument with his father about their younger son, then age six. They were always laughing about how that son was "going to be gay" (from birth), would help decorate the house, and how he was always around the girls in a group. One day, when they made more comments like that, I asked if they thought (that son) "maybe identified with girls". The response was violently (verbally, not physically) angry, and I asked why my question made them so mad? Because what I was hearing was disturbing in that it is not a joking matter, their comments were very homophobic sounding. I was told to "Leave! Leave forever." I think my question made them realize that. So, a few years later, their daughter, previously the most girly girl you had ever met, decides to transition.

There is so much more to this. It would take pages to get into it all. And yes, as timf stated, suicide is high in this group. That is the Number One reason why I am concerned.

I have come to the realization that this daughter has been abusive to me, has used me to the fullest extent and treated me in a way that nobody deserves. I have thought this contact is perhaps attention seeking or looking for someone to tell him it is okay to change his mind? I am walking a very fine line here.

I do love this child. Number One priority is do no harm to either of us. At least, after my own revelations as to my daughter, this time I handled it much better. I think I don't love her anymore because if she wanted to reestablish contact with me, I would refuse.


@timf

You nailed it.

 

[noaccount]

@timf Are you a person whose suicidality has been driven by trans experience?
If not, best to leave it to people with transgender experience themselves, to explain what about the experience is making them suicidal.
Fortunately there are already many surveys and studies where trans people have talked about what factors make them depressed/suicidal, but you can also simply listen to individuals, who are the expert on their own experience. That's in essence what it is to be pro-choice, which is the value that I appreciate in this group, rather than trying to "save" people or otherwise tell them what is best for them.

@NeverGoodEnuff I am glad you have been able to have somewhat of a positive relationship with your grandchild even if you are estranged from your child. It is a shame that you couldn't openly communicate about wanting to be a supportive person for at least a short time even if your life might end soon, the way you could if you were in hospice and wanted to make the most of your last months with your grandchildren, because this culture is so paternalistic and stigmatizing about people considering suicide.