Story What would Recovery even look like at this point?

[murderatruemorgue]

In the past anytime I've dealt with SI has been because I wanted the emotional (and sometimes physical) pain to stop. Living a content life seemed incredibly improbable, but maybe not impossible. The chances were never zero even when they were slim.
"If I could just—"
"If only there was—"
"This seems impossible to get through—"
But nowadays I don't know what recovery would even look like.
I've talked through what's happened the past several years on a couple of threads but here's the cliffnotes version: death of a spouse and other loved ones, chronic illness and pain, losing the ability to work, my means of expression and processing, relationships, etc. And while it's true that I don't want to CTB because I necessarily want to die, I don't see any way I could be even content if I "pushed through." What would 'recovery' look like when there's nothing that can actually recovered?
And yet I keep waiting to CTB. I keep searching for anything, anyone, anywhere, something that could change this. I have for years since my wife passed—yet all it's done is made me lose more. I've worn a path at the edge of the cliff, eroded the edges with pacing and tears. I wait not because there's anything I can think of to change it, but because part of me is still in denial that any of this has happened.
But nowadays, I can feel my mind and heart catching up to reality. I keep eyeing the 'Recovery' section, digging through all the resource megathreads and trying to find some stone unturned.
I don't resent anyone who's finding their way through recovery. I'm truly happy for you. It's a goddamn hard road, and I'm so proud of y'all for doing whatever you can.
For myself I'm coming to terms with the fact that for some people, recovery isn't an option.

 

[Same_As_Ever]

I think if you wanted to know what recovery would look like, you should look into specific support groups for your situation. Find groups of people who are dealing with the same chronic illness(es) that you have, find people also suffering from loss. I think this site is a bit too broad to give you the insight you need for your specific situation, but groups of people dealing with the same issues you are can let you see people throughout different stages of recovery and maybe give you different perspective and coping mechanisms.

 

[murderatruemorgue]

I think if you wanted to know what recovery would look like, you should look into specific support groups for your situation. Find groups of people who are dealing with the same chronic illness(es) that you have, find people also suffering from loss. I think this site is a bit too broad to give you the insight you need for your specific situation, but groups of people dealing with the same issues you are can let you see people throughout different stages of recovery and maybe give you different perspective and coping mechanisms.

I've tried a ton of different support groups, both online and in person for anything from depression, chronic illness, disability, queerness, and grief. And not just one and done-going for months or even years. I've also done partial inpatient and intensive DBT programs (twice a week.) I'm to the point where half the time I know the coping mechanisms better than the facilitators. It's not a lack of knowledge or perspective at this stage.