Discussion What would be your perfect last day and ctb?

[obei]

How would you imagine your passing and last day?
It does or doesnt have to be possible or doable, just how do you fantasize it?
Ive been fantasizing it the whole morning, and mine would be like this:
Being in a mental institution (ik, weird) ive been in a few times already, so my parents wouldnt be the one finding me. Since it is an open type I would be able to sneak in 1.5g of heroin in and a needle. I would wake up early and watch the sunrise, in coffe in my hands. Then I would hang out with people around me, have my breakfast, go to group. I would get to see my parents, they would come to see me, and I would hug them and tell them how much I love them. Then I would talk to the doctor that works there that I got to rly love, and have a nice chat. After that my best friend would come to see me, and we would sit and talk. After that I would finish the painting I would start a week prior. I would watch a movie or listen to music while doing it. Then I would have another coffe ofc lol. I would finish a day talking to another doctor, hopefully skipping dinner, even though its gonna be hard to do that there. If there is a nice nurse, I would get her to let me go for a walk, and ill escape and go for a coke (they dont let you have it there). Then I would come back, and post one last post here to say my goodbyes to this site and great people there. I would wait for nurses to go around one last time before going to bed, and then I would lay in my bed, and do it. I would make myself look as much as I can like im asleep, posewise, so people there wouldnt 1. Find out soon and 2. Not get traumatized as much.
Then I would leave.

 

[nothingbutmybest]

For me to wake up to dead silence, stretching and putting on my slippers (that I don't actually use). Then I'd go to the kitchen and make myself a coffee/tea, while looking at the sky out. Preferably it'd have no clouds or a few massive clouds. I'd go downtown to the main street that is empty but is usually incredibly full. Order some food then get ready to leave. As I left downtown, all the people would suddenly rush into the town as I was leaving it. Ideally I'd then be sent to manhattan quickly in whatever way is most realistic. There I'd get some Ichiran Ramen in Times Square, then go home. I'd hop on call with my friends, play some games and do some work.. Before the sun started setting, I'd have gone to the nearby train station to just watch the sunset as the trains went by while listening to music. Once it becomes really late, I'd go to the this one beach and stare at the moon's reflection as the airplanes left the airport. When I start getting sleepy, I'd go home, enjoy some tea, play the piano and kill myself.

 

[logi3535]

I'd want the worst day ever for myself, i want something to happen so terrible that everyone close to me hates me for it and distances themselves, and when it's all over, I'd like to do my SN regime and pass out before any of the side effects take over, sortof like how older folks pass in their sleep, peacefully and quietly, that would be my ideal final day

 

[mortuarymary]

I'd go to Edinburgh (not too far away) book into a really plush hotel.
I love charity shopping and antique shops, so I would spend the day doing that. Have a slap up lunch. Visit Greyfriars Bobby (google it)
I would go back to the hotel, have a bath, smell nice, feel relaxed then take N. I'd fall asleep forever. Notes will be written etc etc.

 

[inaminute]

I'm too paralyzed by my mind to write anything more than this but taking my SN and going to bed to sleep forever.

 

[mortuarymary]

I'm too paralyzed by my mind to write anything more than this but taking my SN and going to bed to sleep forever.

That feels lovely

 

[Abyssal]

Not gonna lie, lying in bed and doing nothing. Drowning in my own depression would prepare me well.

 

[Hopeless_Eagle]

Good question. My one, which was to be today, was waking up, hearing my adoptive parents leave until Saturday morning. After waiting for a while to make sure they don't return I would have gone to our attic, attached a rope to one of the wooden beams there, stood on a chair, put my head into the noose and simply kicked the chair away. Due to rain and snow, it's not going to happen today. Would have been perfect

 

[inaminute]

That feels lovely

Today I feel the most suicidal than I have in about a week and I think my metoclopramide is arriving today by evri (ya I know I can only hope they get it right - which is why I selected a parcel shop lol) it's my wife's 40th today so I'm not going to be that cruel and tomorrow we're going down south to see her family, I had some diazepam since my last post on this thread so I feel a little less rigid. In 2 weeks my wife and kids are going back down south to see her family again and it'll be 1 year since my mum died on Feb 16th.

I am being investigated by various health professionals for dramatic weight loss, got a barium swallow test next week the ENT consultant wanted to perform a nasal endoscopy earlier this week to see my throat as my thyroid has failed completely and I have stopped taking my levothyroxine which I refused as I can't swallow food normally so I take in about 800 calories a day. I'm fluctuating wildly between deep depression and respite but still numb, my relief is a couple beers at night. I decided to stop using shampoo 3 months ago because it damaged my hair - I still shower but I only use clean water which as you know in Scotland we have soft water so no limescale or hardness. My GP discovered a inguinal hernia at my last appointment and I have a lump thats getting larger in one of my testicals. Mum died riddled with cancer. I miss her so much.

Adding on top of all the above I've mentioned plenty times my psychiatric problems which are the root cause of my desire to end my miserable existence and it's effects on the people I love but at the same time hurt and bring down. I feel like a burden and if I am out of the equasion they will have a better life without me. During lockdown I lost my mind and became psychotic I cut myself so badly the living room rug was soaked in blood and no doubt that's left something with my family I wish never occurred.

So I am highly considering using the time in 2 weeks to set as a date - that's unless a miracle happens. I will only use 3g of my SN to reduce the risk of vomit and take my meds which make me so sleepy I can sleep through a bomb. I wouldn't do it at home but maybe as op suggested in a psych ward or my car at least parked somewhere remote in the Highlands.

I just want peace not only for me but my family too.

I let people down consistently.

Last night a friend took his wife who has cancer and their son to see Depeche Mode in Glasgow and I know they already struggle like me financially so I have him my credit card and told him to use it - which he never did - I've already started to give away my things and so far it's gone under the radar of the typical MO of someone facing imminent self harm or suicide.

May I ask have you got N?

 

[mortuarymary]

Today I feel the most suicidal than I have in about a week and I think my metoclopramide is arriving today by evri (ya I know I can only hope they get it right - which is why I selected a parcel shop lol) it's my wife's 40th today so I'm not going to be that cruel and tomorrow we're going down south to see her family, I had some diazepam since my last post on this thread so I feel a little less rigid. In 2 weeks my wife and kids are going back down south to see her family again and it'll be 1 year since my mum died on Feb 16th.

I am being investigated by various health professionals for dramatic weight loss, got a barium swallow test next week the ENT consultant wanted to perform a nasal endoscopy earlier this week to see my throat as my thyroid has failed completely and I have stopped taking my levothyroxine which I refused as I can't swallow food normally so I take in about 800 calories a day. I'm fluctuating wildly between deep depression and respite but still numb, my relief is a couple beers at night. I decided to stop using shampoo 3 months ago because it damaged my hair - I still shower but I only use clean water which as you know in Scotland we have soft water so no limescale or hardness. My GP discovered a inguinal hernia at my last appointment and I have a lump thats getting larger in one of my testicals. Mum died riddled with cancer. I miss her so much.

Adding on top of all the above I've mentioned plenty times my psychiatric problems which are the root cause of my desire to end my miserable existence and it's effects on the people I love but at the same time hurt and bring down. I feel like a burden and if I am out of the equasion they will have a better life without me. During lockdown I lost my mind and became psychotic I cut myself so badly the living room rug was soaked in blood and no doubt that's left something with my family I wish never occurred.

So I am highly considering using the time in 2 weeks to set as a date - that's unless a miracle happens. I will only use 3g of my SN to reduce the risk of vomit and take my meds which make me so sleepy I can sleep through a bomb. I wouldn't do it at home but maybe as op suggested in a psych ward or my car at least parked somewhere remote in the Highlands.

I just want peace not only for me but my family too.

I let people down consistently.

Last night a friend took his wife who has cancer and their son to see Depeche Mode in Glasgow and I know they already struggle like me financially so I have him my credit card and told him to use it - which he never did - I've already started to give away my things and so far it's gone under the radar of the typical MO of someone facing imminent self harm or suicide.

May I ask have you got N?

I got N years ago. Around 2018. Probably out of date. But, partner wants to go walking in Peru, so I think my sister will look after the hounds and we have a holiday. I'm not ready yet, but I want that option there. If I can't do that then Switzerland but I feel I may be turned down even though Ive a physical disability with ME.

With the shampoo I just changed to dry spray. Love it. Love Scottish water too, least you can drink it.

I miss my mother so much too. She was my best friend too.

I had to have an endoscopy a few weeks ago because I keep choking on food. Also, got to have my gall bladder out as I keep getting stones. Will say this though, the Scottish NHS is amazing to what the UK one is. Hardly no waiting times and mental health team assigned to me have done well.

I have slowly started giving things away. Just little tokens etc. Would have loved to see Depeche Mode. I doubt I'd stand a concert again. Too many people. I can just about survive Tesco!

Good question. My one, which was to be today, was waking up, hearing my adoptive parents leave until Saturday morning. After waiting for a while to make sure they don't return I would have gone to our attic, attached a rope to one of the wooden beams there, stood on a chair, put my head into the noose and simply kicked the chair away. Due to rain and snow, it's not going to happen today. Would have been perfect

What stopped you?

 

[FuneralCry]

I just want to die alone, peacefully and far away from other people, I want a death which is like never waking again, what would be ideal to me is falling into an dreamless and eternal sleep. But ideally I'd wish to completely erase my existence so it's like I never existed at all, I just want to be forgotten about.

 

[Zany]

The ideal final day for me would be going camping and just going as far away from where i live as possible. I think it'd be great to be away from society. Ideally i'd find a cliff or some sufficiently high place and whenever my food runs I could jump. It'd probably be best if I just disappeared and no one knew where i went. The thought makes me feel excited, I've even started preparing recently, but i think I'm too cowardly to do it still.