What were you like before?

[!WILL!]

What were you like before you were suicidal?

 

[Littlepaws]

Honestly, I don't think anything has changed.

 

[bed]

I don't really remember, it's been so long. I guess shy until I got to know you and then I just liked fucking around and making people laugh.

 

[Snake of Eden]

So dumb for thinking I was special somebody

 

[LONE WOLF.]

From 19yrs to 30yrs l was a professional soldier and sniper(Best phase of my life) then my head went to looney tune land, l keep all my clothing just as l did in the various barracks l was assigned to! Everything folded Regimental style in my bedroom drawers! Occasionally l buy new army style clothing and a pair of Boots (Gelert brand or sometimes Karrimor) l exercise for 1 hour everyday, Weights along with Protein and Creatine shakes! Spend plenty of time making a fuss of my daft Staffie Max! And going out to the shop only when l have to!

 

[TheHatedOne]

While I have been suicidal since 11 when I was a teenager I was more bright. Back then I used to be a realist and even an idealist thinking that most people are bad yeah, but there are many good people out there too I just didn't have luck to meet them blah blah. I used to believe in being ''thankful'', ''life isn't always bad'' despite me still being depressed and suicidal. Maybe it was because back then I used to have friends. I met my only best friend in life at 12 and been friends for 4 years. Rest of the so called friends were obviously fake and one of them openly replaced me with someone better. So yeah I used to be kind of a normie.

Now I'm a borderline pessimist and misanthrope, I have no friends, life has only bad moments, I will never be thankful because many people have it worse than me (that's the point). Those who say you should not be sad because others have it worse if we apply their logic then we shouldn't be happy either because others have it better than us.

Sorry for the rambling I felt like getting out of my chest because honestly I miss my past (though I don't miss living with my abusive parents ofc).

 

[finish.me]

when i was a younger kid like up to 4 years old i was happy and cute and fun and then everything went to shit

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Religous, ambitious and hopeful for the future.

I'm just as high strung, nervous and self-critical today as I was when I was small though.

 

[ClownMe]

Not much different to be honest, I just had more hope for the future, now I have none.

 

[summers]

From 19yrs to 30yrs l was a professional soldier and sniper(Best phase of my life) then my head went to looney tune land, l keep all my clothing just as l did in the various barracks l was assigned to! Everything folded Regimental style in my bedroom drawers! Occasionally l buy new army style clothing and a pair of Boots (Gelert brand or sometimes Karrimor) l exercise for 1 hour everyday, Weights along with Protein and Creatine shakes! Spend plenty of time making a fuss of my daft Staffie Max! And going out to the shop only when l have to!

It sounds like you have a skill set that would be in high demand. Also sounds like you kept those skills up to date. Do you think maybe you could find some contract/freelance work (won't use the m word), and you may be happier?

 

[Pisceslilith]

Before 11, from what I can remember somewhat is I was funny and could hold a conversation and also could easily talk to people without problems. Looking back and comparing to how I am now, I don't know how the hell I did that. I was "normal" back then now I am all screwed up.

 

[forgotten15]

I actually can't remember because i had my first suicidal thoughts around 5-6 years old. I don't even know how i could get those thoughts at a such a young age. Thinking now as an adult about this it really surprises me. I had a rough childhood because i grew up being phisically and verbally abused by my mother and never felt love coming from her so a thought came to my mind one day around that age - maybe if I disappear the hell i was living will end. I remember around 7 years old i put an ironing cord around my neck because i was suffering so bad i just wanted all to end and once i wanted to stab myself with a knife in my heart because i just wanted to stop hurting

 

[summers]

I actually can't remember because i had my first suicidal thoughts around 5-6 years old. I don't even know how i could get those thoughts at a such a young age. Thinking now as an adult about this it really surprises me. I had a rough childhood because i grew up being phisically and verbally abused by my mother and never felt love coming from her so a thought came to my mind one day around that age - maybe if I disappear the hell i was living will end. I remember around 7 years old i put an ironing cord around my neck because i was suffering so bad i just wanted all to end and once i wanted to stab myself with a knife in my heart because i just wanted to stop hurting

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Were you able to distance yourself from that situation?

 

[forgotten15]

Thank you! I had no possibility of doing that, time just passed and the abuse stopped when i was around 14 years old. Obviously it was too late. I had already been broken.

 

[summers]

Thank you! I had no possibility of doing that, time just passed and the abuse stopped when i was around 14 years old. Obviously it was too late. I had already been broken.

I really wish there was some way to just erase bad (or all memories). That would be the ultimate mental health treatment. Just forget everything bad that happened and start fresh.

Unfortunately, that will probably never exist. I wish you all the best. Pm me if you ever need to talk or vent.

 

[artificialpasta]

Naive

 

[rosie93]

Happy, full of life, smiling all the time.

 

[Mr2005]

A riot

 

[AntHydra]

Two answers to this.

Before everything first went downhill, I was a bright kid, curious, intelligent, well-read from day one. I was enthused about life and possibilities, hobbies, a bouncy kid. I was always a social outcast, but I could deal with it if it meant I got to be a little more of me. I wasn't lonely yet.
However, I was also angry. Horrible rage was inside me. I couldn't tell you the reasons anymore, but being such an outcast fueled the anger, and being angry to the point of violence didn't help my social standing. I worked hard on reducing it, but I almost wish I had it back now.

I also improved a while after I first became traumatised and depressed. I was learning to deal with life at the side of friends who loved me. I got rid of my original suicidal thoughts. I was getting back into hobbies and healthy habits. This time, I was compassionate and emotional, I opened my heart and became soft. And that felt very good. I was going to be okay.
And then it broke. And no matter what I tried, it wouldn't be fixed.

And now I'm this mess, what to say, I'm tired.

 

[Jumping_realms]

Total outcast from a smaller town originally and everyone's parent's talked and hated me and my drunk violent father and family. Runaway dropout for a while, traveling on freight trains for fun and shit, Just traveled as a homeless transient and spent and partied 24/7 with good people, it's not a grea lifestyle to live. It was for under 2 years of the 90's. I've always had severe mental health issues since a teen so since then I've essentially just been in wards, prisons, rehabs etc.

 

[motel rooms]

There was no before

 

[forgotten15]

I really wish there was some way to just erase bad (or all memories). That would be the ultimate mental health treatment. Just forget everything bad that happened and start fresh.

Unfortunately, that will probably never exist. I wish you all the best. Pm me if you ever need to talk or vent.

Thank you so much, your are very kind!
I agree, things would be a lot better if we had the possibility to delete the traumatising experiences from our memory.
I too wish you well and peace. My inbox is also open : )

 

[WatermelonMel]

Just as miserable

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never wanted to be alive. It has never felt right, me being alive. I have always struggled with life. Even at a young age, I found death to be comforting. I have been suicidal since I was very young. I'm not sure there even was a before. I think the fact is that my existence is a mistake, I should not have been born. Life is simply not for me. I just want to sleep forever.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Basically, the same. Just wasn't able to realize what a pathetic piece of shit I always was. So I guess blind, naive and and dumber.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

When I was 16 I started becoming depressed. I was addicted to gaming and I think isolation triggered it? I'm not entirely sure about the mechanics of depression. Over the years it has gotten worse and worse until i became suicidal. Now I take lithium and it seems to keep my suicidal thoughts at bay.

Before my depression I was one of the happiest kids alive. I really loved life, it was the most beautiful and exciting thing ever. I remember playing soccer behind my house, it was heaven. Oh man, how I miss the days. Now I'm 100% sure I will never be happy again. It is what is. I'm just lying in my bed waiting for death.

 

[ormaybeyoucouldchill]

Not much different to be honest, I just had more hope for the future, now I have none.

I feel the same way.

 

[thequiet1]

I've given up for so long, but I tried to do my best. I've been like this since my 9th birthday but to others I was open and honest, gladly helped others and I didn't expect anything because I love to give.
I was successful, I was good at my job and I loved it, that was the meaning of my life.... Then came the envy the hate and the lies, my boss believed the lies and I was too weak to fight. My " friends and family" believed the lies... wtf!?
In all this chaos a new friendship arose, but it was just an illusion. All the good things are just an illusion... and now I am the asshole.

 

[existtosuffer]

Not sober.

 

[meetapple]

I believed I could overcome my problems.. I was confident in myself. I actually thought I was smart.