Discussion What was your last straw?

[Jolene40]

I accepted help from social services and thought I was getting my life back on track, although as a disabled person.
A couple weeks ago I got really sick and found out that a bunch of social workers were plotting to try to video me while I was delirious with fever, trying to make me say something that they could paint as an admission that I am not really disabled. I am not even drawing any SSI because I have another income and also I am genuinely disabled so there is no fraud for them to "prove", they were trying to fabricate it so I would end up back on the streets, because they don't like my personality.
I put up with it for a couple days but then I lost it and looked straight into their cellphone camera and screamed
"You stupid bitches better just keep paying your taxes, because I'm gonna be living off of them for the rest of my life and there's nothing you can do about it! Haaa Haaa!"

Note: I am officially medically disabled but I actually draw no income from it because I have another. These social workers just thought SSI was my income and they were trying to take it away because they "don't like me."

I get bullied like this anytime I go anywhere near neurotypicals.
My final straw is that after all the hell I went through and after rebuilding my life, people will always do this to me.
It will never change.

My final straw is every other motherfucker on the planet. They are all the same. Evil.

I wish untold misery and suffering on the people who did that to you. And they wonder why people are so terrified of losing independence and see suicide as their only option.

 

[not_a_robot]

I wish untold misery and suffering on the people who did that to you. And they wonder why people are so terrified of losing independence and see suicide as their only option.

Thank you for your kind words. It has all been so crazy that now I can't even talk about it without sounding fucking crazy. I have one more small advantage I *might* play, by simply giving up a couple hundred $ a month in housing assistance. I will have to lease an apartment the size of a closet but it will be worth it to get back a little control of my life, and it will make them fucking *furious*.
I will have to live on beans for the rest of my life in order to pay the rent; totally worth it.
And bad shit just has a mysterious way of happening to people after they try to fuck me over. It's almost enough to make me believe in God, or whatever you call it. Probably just coincidence, but we cling to whatever hope we can when there is no hope at all. These people are shady but dumb, they will fuck themselves up soon.

 

[Circles]

Losing my dog unexpectedly last Friday. I was already having the worst month of my life and was already considering attempting but life found a way to fuck me up even more and after that it's fueled my desire. The grief is so piercing and the regrets are so overwhelming I'm feeling completely detached that any of this is still real I want to forget any of this happened like it was some bad dream. I don't think many or even I can grasp just how much she meant to my life. I loved her more than I could ever love myself and even more so than certain family members, she accepted me when I couldn't even accept myself. The only thing helping me is the thought she won't have to suffer anymore especially experiencing me being dead, but goddamn I miss her more each day it hurts.

 

[GinaIsReady]

Losing my dog unexpectedly last Friday. I was already having the worst month of my life and was already considering attempting but life found a way to fuck me up even more and after that it's fueled my desire. The grief is so piercing and the regrets are so overwhelming I'm feeling completely detached that any of this is still real I want to forget any of this happened like it was some bad dream. I don't think many or even I can grasp just how much she meant to my life. I loved her more than I could ever love myself and even more so than certain family members, she accepted me when I couldn't even accept myself. The only thing helping me is the thought she won't have to suffer anymore especially experiencing me being dead, but goddamn I miss her more each day it hurts.

@Circles - I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. I understand what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Best wishes.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

B R E A K U P

 

[ReadyToFly]

After I was raped in November 2017. Then when I tried to speak to my friends about it they called me a liar when I've never lied to them especially about something like that.. I went to my doctor for help she was more concerned about why I "let him do that" and started talking nonsense about pregnancy and getting a cream for the bleeding (which I bled out for 3-4 months) instead of helping me with what I just told her... kinda rushed me out of the office crying and told me not to go to the police, and said I couldn't do a rape kit because I showered which I found out was a lie... and has I went that morning they could've done the kit and had more evidence against him.. My mom didn't come to visit me even tho I offered to buy her a ticket just for a day or two... Dad didn't really care and encouraged me
To Do porn... my brother who lived one hour away didn't come visit me... I ended up trying to kill myself with heroin which never worked... I met a guy who seemed nice at first but was extremely abusive.. left that quickly.. met another guy and ended up getting married only for him to rape me while I was asleep. Can't trust anyone, not my family, friends, doctor, or even my husband. The only people that did a good job were the police but all he got was a year of probation so what good is that doing me? A friend of mine passed away in spring... another friend couldn't handle my PTSD and would have chronic mood swings, screaming at me one minute, laughing the next, saying she couldn't stand me after that, hugging me the next, screaming over stupid things that weren't intended the way she took them and she's one of the only few people I've ever met like that. She's obsessed with plastic surgery and those desperate housewife shows and in her head my problem is external not internal.. even tho I'm not even ugly.. she's had like 5 nose jobs. I came to her house after having a couple of glasses of wine and was saying "hey babe come give me a hug" and she started screaming even louder than what my intent was and simply doesn't know how to talk to people. I feel more comfortable talking here because no one here knows me and no one can judge me. Everything simply has been one big misunderstanding/miscommunication or the people I helped didn't have my back when I needed them. She says my PTSD is like a Debbie downer then gets upset when I don't contact her.. so it's like walking on eggshells with that person. Sorry it's a lot. Everything just piled up. When I read it all.. it's just not worth it
Oh.. and the guy I married broke my elbow, bruised me up badly, nearly killed me, I had fluid in my lungs, he's still in jail. Like I said.. it's just not worth it. None of this is worth being here.
It's like bad things all pile up at once and before I was raped I was fine.. a lil sad some days but not suicidal and self harming. I didn't even drink alcohol.

 

[ComingClose]

Yea I noticed it is expensive I'm running low on money and don't want to order something that doesn't get delivered or something that isn't a product that will actually kill me, I'm in the UK where could I order it from?

I lost my partner because I'd got to the end of my rope and couldn't cope so I tried to overdose rather than her support she left me and told my family and friends about my overdose attempts and now u can't face them I haven't been able to speak to my mum for months and I feel just like you buddy if I was gone it might hurt a few people but it would be a weight off people's minds and I'd finally be a peace Iv tried overdosing multiple times on different things and haven't had any luck so I tried drinking antifreeze which made my kidneys start to fail at that point I couldn't keep drinking it cause I would throw it up immediately so I recovered from that, I would really like to find a reasonably peaceful way to die though unfortunately that's hard to come across in the UK I can't buy a gun I can't afford to go to Switzerland for euthanasia so I'm searching sites like this one though as I'm not getting much luck I'm getting closer and closer to attempt hanging myself if that fails just sitting on some train tracks with my feet tied to the tracks, whatever you choose in your situation I wish you all the best.

I thought about doing the train thing but you know there's no point in the UK - they're always late or cancelled!

 

[Broken Chimera]

After I was raped in November 2017. Then when I tried to speak to my friends about it they called me a liar when I've never lied to them especially about something like that.. I went to my doctor for help she was more concerned about why I "let him do that" and started talking nonsense about pregnancy and getting a cream for the bleeding (which I bled out for 3-4 months) instead of helping me with what I just told her... kinda rushed me out of the office crying and told me not to go to the police, and said I couldn't do a rape kit because I showered which I found out was a lie... and has I went that morning they could've done the kit and had more evidence against him.. My mom didn't come to visit me even tho I offered to buy her a ticket just for a day or two... Dad didn't really care and encouraged me
To Do porn... my brother who lived one hour away didn't come visit me... I ended up trying to kill myself with heroin which never worked... I met a guy who seemed nice at first but was extremely abusive.. left that quickly.. met another guy and ended up getting married only for him to rape me while I was asleep. Can't trust anyone, not my family, friends, doctor, or even my husband. The only people that did a good job were the police but all he got was a year of probation so what good is that doing me? A friend of mine passed away in spring... another friend couldn't handle my PTSD and would have chronic mood swings, screaming at me one minute, laughing the next, saying she couldn't stand me after that, hugging me the next, screaming over stupid things that weren't intended the way she took them and she's one of the only few people I've ever met like that. She's obsessed with plastic surgery and those desperate housewife shows and in her head my problem is external not internal.. even tho I'm not even ugly.. she's had like 5 nose jobs. I came to her house after having a couple of glasses of wine and was saying "hey babe come give me a hug" and she started screaming even louder than what my intent was and simply doesn't know how to talk to people. I feel more comfortable talking here because no one here knows me and no one can judge me. Everything simply has been one big misunderstanding/miscommunication or the people I helped didn't have my back when I needed them. She says my PTSD is like a Debbie downer then gets upset when I don't contact her.. so it's like walking on eggshells with that person. Sorry it's a lot. Everything just piled up. When I read it all.. it's just not worth it
Oh.. and the guy I married broke my elbow, bruised me up badly, nearly killed me, I had fluid in my lungs, he's still in jail. Like I said.. it's just not worth it. None of this is worth being here.
It's like bad things all pile up at once and before I was raped I was fine.. a lil sad some days but not suicidal and self harming. I didn't even drink alcohol.

You've had it rough. And your friends and family didn't make it any easier for you. I'm sorry. But yeah, you can vent all you like. You won't be judged here.

 

[ReadyToFly]

You've had it rough. And your friends and family didn't make it any easier for you. I'm sorry. But yeah, you can vent all you like. You won't be judged here.

Thank you. I'm just at my wits end at this point .. I feel the least I owe myself is a peaceful path to CTB.