What was the turning point?

[WirriumDank]

I apologize if the question is too personal but I just wanted to know what was the catalyst that made you decide "god damn I'm going to kill myself." I've never had anyone to talk to about this stuff so I figured I should find some connections while I'm still here. My turning point was when my mother died almost immediately after I lost a really good relationship.

 

[GreyMonkey]

An insecure relationship that destroyed me into immense anxiety, opened up all my childhood wounds and made me realise that my life is a fucking mess that I'm 38 and have no career, am way too needy in relationships

 

[Polka]

My turning point was when my mother died almost immediately after I lost a really good relationship.

Sounds rough.

Catalyst was when the wife left and that made me do a lot of self examination cause the pain was worse than anything I ever felt. Then my dog died.

I figured out that I have had depression for a long long time. Then I learned that the treatments do not work for all and you never know
when your next depressive episode will hit you. So at that point you understand every day is like Russian Roulette. Sure, other people are exposed to risks and I understand that but no one understands depression until they experience it themselves and I would not wish that on anyone.

I apologize if the question is too personal

I think this is THE forum to ask personal questions. Of course bear in mind feds and life at all costs merchants snooping about.

 

[Rachel74]

My last attempt was the most serious one and that's because I knew my life was over, the man I loved had grown tired of my illness and I'd had enough of my bipolar.

 

[WirriumDank]

Sounds rough.

Catalyst was when the wife left and that made me do a lot of self examination cause the pain was worse than anything I ever felt. Then my dog died.

I figured out that I have had depression for a long long time. Then I learned that the treatments do not work for all and you never know
when your next depressive episode will hit you. So at that point you understand every day is like Russian Roulette. Sure, other people are exposed to risks and I understand that but no one understands depression until they experience it themselves and I would not wish that on anyone.



I think this is THE forum to ask personal questions. Of course bear in mind feds and life at all costs merchants snooping about.

That's a really good way to put it. Russian Roulette. I never thought of it that way before, but that's exactly what it's like for me too man. I feel for you. My PM is always open if you want to talk about any of it. I might as well make use of my time here until I feel like I have to go, which is pretty soon.

 

[Polka]

I guess cancer patients have a similar deal. At least with them there is something physical to aim for w.r.t. treatment. But there is more $ in treatment than cure right?

The nebulous nature of mental health and especially depression would make me trade places with one of them in a heartbeat. But like I said earlier I would not wish it upon them. Right now I do not see how you are better off alive than dead if you have severe depression.

My PM is open for you. Thanks for that.

 

[WirriumDank]

My last attempt was the most serious one and that's because I knew my life was over, the man I loved had grown tired of my illness and I'd had enough of my bipolar.

I feel for that, except for me I was the one at fault and was actively pushing away my girlfriend until she had enough. I blame myself every day but that's life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

When I lost my lovely home and got dumped in this shithole, abandoned by my sister and left to rot as my body ceases to function.

 

[charlottewilts]

my eating disorder got out of control.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and it's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. There are no treatments for it and no cure. Doctors don't even know about it. I wind up teaching them. And other people don't take my condition seriously because I don't look sick. Well it's a nerve condition and you can't see nerves. I've had it since I was 20 years old and I'm 34 now. I lost out on all those years and I'll never get them back. Too much has happened. I've missed out on life itself. I can't leave the house and can't do most of the things a health person can do. And it's gotten so much worse over the past 3 years. I always knew I was going to kill myself because if this but I didn't know when but this year has been so bad. I spend all my time in my bed suffering. Shaking with pain and anxiety. The depression is overwhelming. My mother takes care of me. It makes me feel pathetic. And doctors are now lowering pain medication since so many people are dying if accidental overdoses. I'm really upset with them for this. There's just no point in living anymore. There is nothing out there for me. I don't want to spend my life dreaming about things I wish I was able to do. There's no point in lying in a bed of pain every day.

When I lost my lovely home and got dumped in this shithole, abandoned by my sister and left to rot as my body ceases to function.

PM me if you ever need to.

 

[WirriumDank]

I have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and it's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. There are no treatments for it and no cure. Doctors don't even know about it. I wind up teaching them. And other people don't take my condition seriously because I don't look sick. Well it's a nerve condition and you can't see nerves. I've had it since I was 20 years old and I'm 34 now. I lost out on all those years and I'll never get them back. Too much has happened. I've missed out on life itself. I can't leave the house and can't do most of the things a health person can do. And it's gotten so much worse over the past 3 years. I always knew I was going to kill myself because if this but I didn't know when but this year has been so bad. I spend all my time in my bed suffering. Shaking with pain and anxiety. The depression is overwhelming. My mother takes care of me. It makes me feel pathetic. And doctors are now lowering pain medication since so many people are dying if accidental overdoses. I'm really upset with them for this. There's just no point in living anymore. There is nothing out there for me. I don't want to spend my life dreaming about things I wish I was able to do. There's no point in lying in a bed of pain every day.

PM me if you ever need to.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I've seen your posts when I was still a lurker and I can't even say I understand what it's like because I truly don't, but I do acknowledge your kindness and compassionate attitude in posts despite your condition and it warms my heart. It's very contagious. I could never be as kind as you if given the same cards, I'd be too bitter. I admire you for your strength. If life gets hard, my PM is open for anything. I'd like to spend my last moments helping people feel better, or try my best at the very least.

 

[welshie84]

Both parents died within a couple years of each other. Living without them I feel lost.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I've seen your posts when I was still a lurker and I can't even say I understand what it's like because I truly don't, but I do acknowledge your kindness and compassionate attitude in posts despite your condition and it warms my heart. It's very contagious. I could never be as kind as you if given the same cards, I'd be too bitter. I admire you for your strength. If life gets hard, my PM is open for anything. I'd like to spend my last moments helping people feel better, or try my best at the very least.

That is very sweet of you to say. Oh believe me I am extremely angry and bitter. I just don't think other people deserve to have an attitude from me because they're not the ones who caused my ccondition. Sometimes I slip up and get bitchy with my family and then I feel awful about it. But they know it's because I'm stressed and in pain and sad. We can definitely talk. But right now my left hand is being affected and it hurts to hold my tablet and move my fingers. I screwed up a few days ago and made a mistake and now I'm just punishing myself in my head for it. I have really bad OCD. It used to be very manageable but with more aggravation and stress comes the OCD. It feeds on stress and gets stronger and it's kind of kicking my ass right now. And I would go to a therapist and talk about it but it hurts too much to talk. I can't really talk for more than five minutes or listen to someone because the pain gets so bad. Yes I would definitely like to talk to you. I'll PM you just to get the ball rolling. IDK if you're a man or a woman so just tell me and let me know what to call you.

 

[Gorgon]

When I was a child and i realized monsters arent hairy long toothed beasts but people people like my parents

 

[WirriumDank]

When I was a child and i realized monsters arent hairy long toothed beasts but people people like my parents

I'm so sorry. I didn't have a good home life either. I feel you on that.

 

[Mr2005]

The catalyst was wanting plastic surgery. The final straw was a surgeon saying yes after a decade of being told no I'm mentally ill. He confirmed everything I've always said but then changed his mind anyway. Felt absolutely fucked ever since.

 

[LastFlowers]

My turning point was when I looked in the mirror

 

[Return2Dust]

Sending my child off to college. I've been keeping my head above water until my favorite person in the world left the nest. My disease is taking over and I don't want treatment and I don't want to burden kiddo.

 

[Avery Jordan]

The Turing point was when I had a severe mental physical breakdown.

 

[Saroshi]

I was happy, then I realized I wasn't happy. Then, I felt sad, then I felt happy. Then I felt nothing. I thought some more, about what I would like to do, and I came up with shallow reasons. Then I felt like everyone I know hates me, and that I wasn't truly close to them. I couldn't and can't think of anything I would want to do other than enjoy materialism, and even then I don't really want to. So I have made up my mind that my one secure goal, is to commit suicide. And that is my only concrete future plan. So basically, I feel very little, care very little, and feel cared very little about.

 

[Sdj]

being two years into severe visual disturbances / tinnitus / neuropathy / a million other symptoms without being any closer to solving it. a year in i was like "okay i cant deal with this anymore". two years in i've spent everything trying to beat whatever it is i've got. now i am essentially 1/100 of the person i was, and it only seems to be declining. unable to work, focus, enjoy anything. i barely sleep and dread both waking up and going to bed. my tinnitus is excruciating and is reactive to other noises so i am almost house-bound, and have to have sounds on 24/7 to drown out the blaring from inside my head. i have dozens of visual symptoms. i can no longer be me. i would love to just not wake up tomorrow.

I would already be gone if I wasnt still figuring out a way to not disappoint my fiance. i am 32 and most of my family (parents, grandparents, etc) are already dead and have been for awhile. so it's just about leaving her in the best way i can at this point.

 

[Final Escape]

When I moved to a big city I realized i can't afford it, plus I'm too mentally ill. I have no intention of moving back to a small town so I've decided I have no choice but to ctb soon. I don't belong anywhere anymore more.

 

[Darkhaven]

When I moved to a big city I realized i can't afford it, plus I'm too mentally ill. I have no intention of moving back to a small town so I've decided I have no choice but to ctb soon. I don't belong anywhere anymore more.

I know the feeling.
Being in a more sophisticated environment can be horrible for people coming from quieter, smaller towns.
I'm going through the same.

 

[SadSack]

Mine is boring. I'm working a job I hate, don't have the time nor resources to return to college and work towards a degree for something I'd actually enjoy doing, I'm the only responsible person in my entire immediate family and as a result I've been tasked with caring for my elderly mother who is disabled and has dementia. It should be noted that she had me much later in life and that my siblings are way older than me yet expect me as the youngest to attempt to care for her alone. I have no medical training and am not even strong enough to lift her. She can barely walk and I have to carefully balance my work schedule around her daily care. It is a f***ing nightmare.

I know this may sound whiny and selfish to some people but this is the same mother who in her better years when I needed a parent literally abandoned me with no food, protection, or shelter while she ran off with a boyfriend and didn't contact me. My father died when I was very young. So, I raised myself and lived with friends(when I could) until I was old enough to live on my own.

It's only now in recent years that I've somehow found it in myself to try and forgive her. I think it is because she is so sick and I don't want her to die with me resenting her.

Anyway, TLDR; my family is dysfunctional af, I've lived a rough life, I hate my current situation, so yeah this is pretty much why I want to die. But, my anxiety holds me back.

 

[woxihuanni]

There is no turning point. So long as I was not free of society's voices influencing me, I'd be in conflict with myself and end up setting my life on fire. So it has happened. The question is if anything can put out the flames now that I am honest and true to myself.

 

[GlowingCactus]

When I acknowledged that I have no logical reason to think my chronic illness will ever improve and that thinking otherwise was merely wishful thinking.

 

[Relief]

Realizing that no matter how much i work towards being able to care for someone having schizoid personality disorder will never allow me to do so. I wish i could care and love and worry about anyone other than myself and yet i have no desire to build (primarily given i can't empathize) & maintain any connection. i live in complete isolation and spend most of my time having serious binging/purging episodes. After 5 years of severe OCD, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and depression it's my time to go. Since i don't have any relationships my entire time is consumed by my psychological torments.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Realizing that no matter how much i work towards being able to care for someone having schizoid personality disorder will never allow me to do so. I wish i could care and love and worry about anyone other than myself and yet i have no desire to build (primarily given i can't empathize) & maintain any connection. i live in complete isolation and spend most of my time having serious binging/purging episodes. After 5 years of severe OCD, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and depression it's my time to go. Since i don't have any relationships my entire time is consumed by my psychological torments.

I thought I was schizoid for a while as I seemed to be without feelings for anyone but myself. I was wrong though I was just surpressing stuff that was too powerful to deal with.

 

[Relief]

I thought I was schizoid for a while as I seemed to be without feelings for anyone but myself. I was wrong though I was just surpressing stuff that was too powerful to deal with.

I really wish that was my case... i would give anything to care enough to build a friendship

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I really wish that was my case... i would give anything to care enough to build a friendship

I'm sorry to hear that .it must be so isolating.