What was the turning point?

[Relief]

I'm sorry to hear that .it must be so isolating.

It really is. I have possibilities and invites to go out and the people are objectively nice. Yet, i never see the purpose in being with anyone other than my consciousness. If they died that very same day it wouldn't bother me in the slightest...and i hate myself for it.

 

[JTG1972]

When I realized that my inability to do anything a grown man should be able to do, my lack of self-care, and my depression/mental issues were slowly destroying my wife's mental health and chance at a good full life. I've hated myself for decades but when I realized I was making her cry and hurt and feel lost and unfulfilled just because I exist and can't be what she needs... It became pretty clear that I break everything I touch. Better to just go and let her start over.

 

[Lethe]

Turning 25 was the tipping point I think. I had an existential crisis/ ego death conundrum and realized my mortality. Something clicked in my brain and seemed to activate my Freudian death drive.

 

[EatingRawCocoa]

Accepting in my 30's (after 15+ years of mental illness) that not a single person cares that I exist - including myself.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

An insecure relationship that destroyed me into immense anxiety, opened up all my childhood wounds and made me realise that my life is a fucking mess that I'm 38 and have no career, am way too needy in relationships

Hey! i didn't need write my own post because we have the excact same situation except I got you by 2 years. I'm 40. Its not our fault we are this way, i have been slowly coming to terms with this. I'm not sure what trauma or suffering you endured during your formative years that caused you to be debilitated in your ability to relate to yourself and others, but truly it is the condition of the soul that cuts us off from others and this IMO from life,,,, so sorry..I know ow bad it is because it is an internal condition that manifests externally and alsomost impossibe to explain....

Turning 25 was the tipping point I think. I had an existential crisis/ ego death conundrum and realized my mortality. Something clicked in my brain and seemed to activate my Freudian death drive.

A part of me wanted to laugh wen I read this...... Not a mocking kind of laugh, but a somber laugh of recognition and ironic humor.
Oh wow... I CAN idenitfy with this. My death drive was acitvated by the trauma of last summer

Life and Death Instincts Are Opposing Urges

Freud's Eros and Thanatos theory says that all instincts fit into two classes: the life drive (Eros) and the death drive (Thanatos). Learn more about this theory.

www.verywellmind.com

 

[GreyMonkey]

Hey! i didn't need write my own post because we have the excact same situation except I got you by 2 years. I'm 40. Its not our fault we are this way, i have been slowly coming to terms with this. I'm not sure what trauma or suffering you endured during your formative years that caused you to be debilitated in your ability to relate to yourself and others, but truly it is the condition of the soul that cuts us off from others and this IMO from life,,,, so sorry..I know ow bad it is because it is an internal condition that manifests externally and alsomost impossibe to explain....


A part of me wanted to laugh wen I read this...... Not a mocking kind of laugh, but a somber laugh of recognition and ironic humor.

Yes... and then what exacerbates this is significant social anxiety, a lot of desire to be different than I am yet frozen to move towards it and then the fact that I don't have a career at my age and am struggling with small little jobs not sure what the hell I'm doing. I am studying for the possibility of a career in the future yet it's so damn daunting that I just don't think I can.

It's interesting I'm feeling less out of the hell I was in, yet also increasingly hopeless and despondent and wanting to step out of it all. I've started planning more seriously.

 

[alfie]

no specific turning point... even worse: just a life-long series of unfortunate events, misfortunes one after another, over the years that just ran me raw...

 

[Brentt]

being two years into severe visual disturbances / tinnitus / neuropathy / a million other symptoms without being any closer to solving it. a year in i was like "okay i cant deal with this anymore".

I wondered what caused this condition? Was it a side reaction of some medication?

 

[Sdj]

I wondered what caused this condition? Was it a side reaction of some medication?

no, i got on a plane to mexico and suddenly had hundreds of eye floaters appear in both eyes mid flight. since then i have had numerous symptoms appear, new ones weekly for the past two years since. i was on no medications or anything at the time. the condition is new and referred to as "visual snow syndrome" (including the debilitating auditory/physical symptoms) but there is no known cause or treatment and is very rare so no effort is being put into finding a cause/cure unfortunately. some people think it is lyme disease and i tested positive for lyme, but 8 months of very expensive treatment has done nothing for the symptoms and even my lyme doctor thinks it isn't lyme at this point. and lyme tests can often produce false positives. so yeah. just bad luck i guess

 

[bigj75]

when my health went down hill. got to the point of nightmares just thinking about it.

 

[Haku]

My reason is probably not as bad as most people on this forum, but I would say my turning point was multiple career failures in the span of 4 years, but it was do to my depression that I have had since I was 15, now I'm 27, failing these jobs, always having mental breakdowns in public, and during my jobs. Last year was my breaking point. I finally had gotten a job that required a HS Diploma/ GED, witch that I got in October of 2017. Also, 2018, had quite a few people in my life pass away, and that also took a big toll on my mind. So since last year up till now, my mental state has worsened, especially since I have been a bernit for a bit over a year. Also, doesnt help that throughout my life, I had a few accidents that took a toll on my body, accidents that should have killed me but didn't. Now I am a 27 year old that feels like I have the body of a 57 year old. So since last year up till now, I have been a hermit in my apartment, have only left the property maybe 7 times throughout 2019, so since I do not go out, my mentality has worsened, and my body has become somewhat fragile, it feels like if someone flicked me, that I would crumble into dust. And with all that, I am not mentally capable of working nor physically, so yea, even though this is hardly nothing compared to everyone else, it is still a bad enough reason for me to want to ctb.

 

[Bathsheba]

When I stopped fearing death, and realised I was more scared of living than dying.

 

[Kassender]

At the beginning of this year.

Things were stall for years : i was unemployed, back living with my parents,
but things finally moved forward last year.

I got a job in a field i like, moved out and got my own place. I also got my first car which i paid for.
Things looked good. I was hyped.

But it all happened as it always had.
It took something like two days for my coworkers to pick up on how weird i am.
I got ostracized again.

Same old pattern of trying to fit in, thinking that its going to be ok before i get rejected again.
It doesnt matter how much i have in common with people.
I freak them out.

I tried to be myself, to put myself out there but no one was really interested.

First office party, i got together with the other new guys and thought we had a fun time.
The three of them became friends but i was not included.
It happened like 3 times this year.
No one wants anything to do with me.

My supervisor also humiliated me every chance he got.
I always found nice comebacks, but like 20 minutes after. Hed come at me and id freeze, like a deer in headlights, just looking stupid.

One time he drove towards me like he was going to run me over.
His friends on the back found that hilarious.
(I know how this sounds, but no that ones for real, folks.)
I should have thrown myself under the wheels.
Now, that would have been funny.

i tried not giving a shit,
I tried to only care about the job but i managed to suck at it.

I dont have a support system.
My never ending failures drove everyone away.
I came back every night to an empty appartment. No one to call.

The contract ended in june.
July was fine, until a family get together that went as it always did.

Im always someones punching bag.
This time it was my brother.
2 weeks later, i lost a friend and was basically told not to come to the funeral by the rest of the group.

Ive been spending the last 2 months getting drunk in my appartment.
I wanted to go surfing, but it was too far.

I couldnt get myself to do anything.
Im completely engulfed by negativity,
Looping random bad memories and raging at them.

Im supposed to go back to the job in december.
I was hyped at first.
But them i saw them again. I just felt rage.
It took like 5 seconds for them to belittle me again.

I still said yes. The Production manager sent me the mail asking me to confirm.

The tone is condescending as fuck.

I have to answer. Im trapped and this is my tipping point.

If i go back, ill do a shitty job. Im still at the same mental place i was back in June, if not worse.
Itll end bad. Its not that i dont think i can do it. I know it. I have always sucked at everything, no matter how hard i tried.


If i dont, im homeless next summer.

Im stuck in a lose lose situation.

Sorry for the novel, i really needed to get all this off my chest.

Thanks for reading if you did.

Td lr: stuck between hostile work environment in a job i will suck at and being homeless.
Im at the tipping point

 

[Lethe]

When I stopped fearing death, and realised I was more scared of living than dying.

Wow, this is eerily relatable.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I think it's when I got really hit with epilepsy. Every so often I am hit with complex partial seizures. My meds have recently changed dosages, so for a while it won't be every three days.
It's kind of like the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance.
Some time after acceptance I've discovered there's a surgery to control it. It's not a cure, mind you, it's quarantine. Either way I'm losing a chunk of brain. And even that has to be put through a board of grumpy old boomers. The surgery is a relatively new thing so not too many get the green light, and out of those, not too many get the freedom they yearn for.
Two things need to happen to throw me off the ctb track completely: the surgery needs to get accepted, and once accepted, the surgery needs to stop the seizures.
It's not a cure, it's quarantine. I'm possibly trading my ability to speak in favor of freedom. I'm willing to do that.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Injury and then failed surgery. My life started to become worse and started to think about ctb. Now I'm severely depressed and think about ctb everyday. I'm planning it.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

about a year or so ago. the funny thing is, 2019 was a relatively peaceful year for me. if anything, it was one of the best i've had in a while. despite that, i didn't feel truly happy, no matter how much i laughed or went to the beach or any of those things. suicide was always still lingering in my mind.

it was then that i realized that i'm too fucked up to ever be truly content with this life. ever since then, i've just been biding my time, getting over my fear of death and sorting everything out.

 

[draw a circle]

Strangely enough, heartbreak. I've always been thinking that I'd be dead by the time I turn 20 y.o because nothing good will come after that. I didn't even think about finishing college I just thought I'd end my life then. But my 20th birthday came and went. I had a reason to stay a bit longer. Then, early 2020, got my heart broken. Finally sets things off in motion, even though I've been sitting on the idea of dying since 2014 and suicidal thoughts since 2018. It's not my only reason, but it's the turning point. Kinda shallow though but it's true

 

[7ighway]

the coping mechanisms i was so dependent on were no longer working, i don't know what exactly happened but i realized I couldn't push things into the back of my mind any longer, and the worst part is realizing there's no point in getting better. all this effort to continue on taking meds and therapy is just so fucking meaningless and exhausting.

 

[Smellanie]

God idk...pretty much since I found out what suicide was. So like age 10 or so. Shitty ass family caused me to have mental illness and extreme self loathing. Grew up poor. Bullied at school, bullied at work. All the jobs I've had require me to clean up literal shit all day so you can imagine that does wonders for my self esteem. Now there's covid, climate change, rising fascism around the world. I just feel so drained.

 

[BPD Barbie]

When I realised I couldn't escape.

 

[JayBot2005]

I threw away a 5 year relationship with my soulmate whom I had known since high school during a manic episode. Now she wants nothing to do with me. I didn't realise it at the time but she was my rock. Now all I think about is what could have been, maybe we would have gotten engaged by now?

During my manias I've also messed up my education and have no job prospects. I prefer a graceful exit now rather than growing old leeching off the government.