Venting What was the nail in the coffin for you? What cemented your certainty in wanting to die?

[carbanak]

For me, it's an impending divorce. I know typically that isn't reason alone for most people, but in the context of my entire 27 years and the moments leading up to now, this is definitely it for me. That was all I had. It was my only hope. We were supposed to support each other and she was going to give me the room to stop working so much so I could maybe do something with this life. I thought she was the one person bucking a downward trend, she was actually. Not just a thought, but a certainty. Then a day before my birthday I was blindsided. I have nothing else, and with no one else to have a life with, I will stay stuck in the bottom rungs of the rat race. A far cry from the optimism and hope of childhood and the teenage years.

I have become so tired of the constant "things will get better" trope, because they haven't and no one can guarantee that. I'm tired of the lack of acknowledgement from what little family I have, that I have been to therapy, taken meds, meditated and reached out wherever I could. I work a part time job on top of a full time job just for the insurance. That was supposed to be for my wife as well. Even then, who really thinks 50 minutes per week of talking to a therapist who charges 200+ dollars an hour is enough to change anything? I'm tired of the non-recognition of how the world we live in and it's systems are designed to keep the poors, poor. And that even if you have to slave away for the rest of your life, you can still be happy.

I thought if I couldn't rely on anything in this world, at least I had my wife. That was my only motive. I had absolute trust in her. We would support each other and make a life worth living. But I guess it was all a lie.
Years wasted, energy, effort, love, care, all wasted. And they were the supposedly prime years too. I was working my ass off waiting for her all this time, critical time I'll never get back. All thrown away in an instant. Like being used and discarded. I never in an eternity would have imagined it from this person.

There is nothing to fall back on. As much as my parents would be hurt, there is nothing they can do. My life went downhill a decade ago after their sudden divorce. I saw the hell my dad went through and still goes through. I never imagined it would be me in this position. Somehow he has stuck around after all the suffering he's had to endure. I just don't have that perspective.

All that's left now is to muster the courage and find peace. Even if it's only temporary.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for your situation. I think the overall structure of it probably makes sense to a lot of people though. Life is kind of shitty, so you get coping mechanisms but when those coping mechanisms fail- you simply can't or don't want to cope with the shittiness again. Maybe the 'lucky' people in life either found coping mechansisms that haven't failed or- they had multiple coping mechanisms to fall back on.

My initial straw that broke the camels back was growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. As it was, I was grieving over 3 close family members who had died but being bullied, gas lighted and lied about too made me think I'd be better off dead. Art became my coping mechanism and became my crutch all throughout life. I've mostly stayed through obligation to loved ones but art was my constant support. But- now- that's failing financially. I'll tread water for as long as I can for the sake of my Dad but that's the nail in the coffin for me- not feeling able to rely on my coping mechanism anymore and having no other reason to stay.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'd certainly always see it as preferable to cease existing no matter what. I only see eternal nothingness as desirable, my wish to die is as a result of becoming aware of how existence itself is nothing more than an unnecessary harm, I don't see any value in existing as a conscious being who is capable of suffering endlessly all while they are just decaying and waiting around to die anyway.
To me suicide is very rational as it's the way to find peace from the curse that is existence, I find it so incredibly horrifying how life even exists at all, it's tragic how humans continue to impose existence just creating meaningless suffering, harm and problems as a result.
Just the fact that only the existing can suffer and not the dead is enough to make me see it as better to die, it comforts me the thought of this existence permanently disappearing into nothingness.

 

[BlazingBob]

For me the list is long. Failing health, financial ruin, looming homelessness, abusive living situation, extreme childhood trauma and broken home, a gaggle of mental health problems. The final nail though was losing my beloved career because of health problems. It was the only thing that gave my life purpose and much needed structure. Now I'm languishing, alone, in bed most of the day. My life is not worth living.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

For me it was knowing based on experience that I couldnt have the life I wanted. I think the philosopher Mencius stated it best "....On the one hand, though life is what I want, there is something I want more than life. That is why I do not cling to life at all cost. On the other hand, though death is what I loathe, there is something I loathe more than death. That is why there are dangers I do not avoid ... Yet there are ways of remaining alive and ways of avoiding death to which a person will not resort. In other words, there are things a person wants more than life and there are also things he or she loathes more than death."

 

[GhostKing714]

Similar to

For me it was knowing based on experience that I couldnt have the life I wanted. I think the philosopher Mencius stated it best "....On the one hand, though life is what I want, there is something I want more than life. That is why I do not cling to life at all cost. On the other hand, though death is what I loathe, there is something I loathe more than death. That is why there are dangers I do not avoid ... Yet there are ways of remaining alive and ways of avoiding death to which a person will not resort. In other words, there are things a person wants more than life and there are also things he or she loathes more than death."

Similar situation here, I have tried everything to get the life I wanted, and especially escape the one I have right now, but I just keep on failing over and over again, to the point where I have finally realised that no matter what I do I can't fix it. I had the same though four years ago when I graduated high school, and then I though that getting into uni would be my way out but four years in I realise I have just been wasting my time because no matter what I'm still a failure, and that my only option now is to try again in another life.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Failure in life followed by financial problems and declining life quality. Actually I don't really want to die but circumstances might require it. It's a logic consequence to prevent myself from further suffering.

 

[alwayssearching202]

For me it was knowing based on experience that I couldnt have the life I wanted. I think the philosopher Mencius stated it best "....On the one hand, though life is what I want, there is something I want more than life. That is why I do not cling to life at all cost. On the other hand, though death is what I loathe, there is something I loathe more than death. That is why there are dangers I do not avoid ... Yet there are ways of remaining alive and ways of avoiding death to which a person will not resort. In other words, there are things a person wants more than life and there are also things he or she loathes more than death."

One of the many reasons I appreciate this site so much. I can genuinely say no one I know in the 'real world' would cite an ancient Chinese Philosopher. Ever.

I studied Mencius' teachings briefly as they relate to the development and shaping of Confucianism. Mencius' philosophy, with its emphasis on leadership and inherent human goodness, resonates with the challenges of our current global geopolitical situation. The lack of ethical leadership in global affairs, as highlighted by Mencius, has led to my complete disillusionment and despair, especially when political actions are inarguably driven by self-interest rather than moral integrity. (Important: I am not pointing to a particular country or political affiliation, by any means, believe me. You can pretty much fill in the blank.)

Mencius' belief in the importance of a nurturing environment for human goodness contrasts sharply with the societal challenges we face today. That includes race, gender, sexual orientation, but it also includes things like did I win the birth lottery and grow up in a household where my parents paid for my education (or better still, bribe someone to get me into a top school which will give me a career advantage) or am I saddled with debt? The erosion of community ties and values in our globalized society have led to alienation, a concern that aligns with Mencius' emphasis on social harmony. This disconnection can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness, reflecting a deep-seated longing for the kind of ethical and harmonious society that Mencius envisioned.

So, those are my reasons. I've done all the things I was told I was supposed to do (education, career) and I feel utterly alone and hopeless about the future, not only my own but those around the world. Why bother slaving away at some corporation every day to live another 40-50 years of an unfulfilling existence?

 

[carbanak]

Failure in life followed by financial problems and declining life quality. Actually I don't really want to die but circumstances might require it. It's a logic consequence to prevent myself from further suffering.

I don't think anyone truly wants to kill themselves. Maybe to stop existing or just stop existing in their own lives, but of course not in having to physically take your own life. The factors are external to existence in itself. All kinds of hardships and suffering. If I suddenly had a set of even marginally different circumstances, things might be different. But then they may as well not be. It could very well just be a mental defect. Many people are incredibly fortunate in every material metric of happiness and still there are those who choose suicide.
It woi

I'm sorry for your situation. I think the overall structure of it probably makes sense to a lot of people though. Life is kind of shitty, so you get coping mechanisms but when those coping mechanisms fail- you simply can't or don't want to cope with the shittiness again. Maybe the 'lucky' people in life either found coping mechansisms that haven't failed or- they had multiple coping mechanisms to fall back on.

My initial straw that broke the camels back was growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. As it was, I was grieving over 3 close family members who had died but being bullied, gas lighted and lied about too made me think I'd be better off dead. Art became my coping mechanism and became my crutch all throughout life. I've mostly stayed through obligation to loved ones but art was my constant support. But- now- that's failing financially. I'll tread water for as long as I can for the sake of my Dad but that's the nail in the coffin for me- not feeling able to rely on my coping mechanism anymore and having no other reason to stay.

I'm sorry for your hardships. It would certainly be easier without family you know will be hurt by your absence. Many people are legitimately lucky. It feels like a toss up for every living population.

 

[Abyssal]

It didn't get better, and people stopped having positive advice to give me to make it better. When your suffering becomes a "well that's life for you" then you know there's no hope left.

 

[Ksmиda]

Because I'm lonely and I don't like living most of the time.
At least in death I won't have to worry about anything and I can just rest forever.
There's a few more reasons but I don't know how to explain them

 

[AInilam]

Don't want the past, present or future anymore, don't want this body or the story ingrained in it, don't see a point to continue on living nor do I have people in my life who give me a good enough reason.

All I can see in store for me is more suffering, humiliation, loneliness and disappointment.

 

[lillmonix3]

I've been in the US for 8 months and still can't find a job . I live with my uncle, he has two children.His daughter often asks me when I will leave them, and my uncle says that he will send me back to my country.No one knows about my depression and that I harm myself.I lie on the couch all day and watch tik tok.I repeatedly heard my uncle and his wife talking about what I was doing to them.And that it would be better for me not even to come.He constantly jokes about me hanging myself.He laughs at me that I have depression. I would have done it a long time ago if it were not for my mother. She cries every day anyway, and if I die, she will probably die too.

 

[Shimidori]

The grim realization that the clock is ticking, and it's not in my favour. Every moment that passes I am slowly heading towards my late 20s, with nothing to claim as my own that would let me live a fulfilling life. No studies, no job, no health. To begin undoing all of that is the kind of struggle that I simply don't have the energy or motivation to even attempt doing, I am just fatigued with failure to get anything done by now.

I really have stopped caring about if things can or should get better. I'm just paying a price for my own mistakes, and I should be allowed to deal with it in my own terms, even if it means to stop living.

 

[almaPerdida]

I've been feeling kinda hopeless for a while and it seemed like the future didn't have much to me. Also bored of everything, what used to make me happy didn't work anymore.
Deep down i always thought that if i had someone to love and hold me at night, maybe things would get better and i'd have a reason to live. I didn't feel this sad when i was with my ex, and i miss him a lot.

The nail on the coffin was my last heartbreak that made me lose the last glimpse of hope i had. It also made me realize that i might be unfit to date because of my mental state, which i never show to close ones. And i never will too.

 

[Raindancer]

I thought if I couldn't rely on anything in this world, at least I had my wife.

Can I relate to this. My ex and I used to joke that we had a weird little family(us and our dogs), but it was ours and we didn't want it any other way. I thought our vows actually meant something, not just something that was said. This wasn't the last nail, if anything it was the first. I am sorry you are feeling this pain too.

 

[new2blue]

I was given a beautiful life and still my mental health prevents me from reaping it's rewards. I have a loving family, an amazing partner, no abuse in my youth. I have known for most my life my mind would undo. Every year bringing me closer to my eventual collapse. Each setback I lose more of myself. I struggle to find any enjoyment in anything. I want to die still being me, and the more time passes, the more of myself I lose. I suppose that's my nail. Seeing more and more of myself slip away, knowing one day it might all be gone. My partner deserves more. My family does too. I am staying alive for now to give others as much of the me that's left, but ironically, I want to die hopeful, in awe of the beauty of things, cause that was the sort of person I am, the part of me I am losing.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

For me, it's an impending divorce. I know typically that isn't reason alone for most people, but in the context of my entire 27 years and the moments leading up to now, this is definitely it for me. That was all I had. It was my only hope. We were supposed to support each other and she was going to give me the room to stop working so much so I could maybe do something with this life. I thought she was the one person bucking a downward trend, she was actually. Not just a thought, but a certainty. Then a day before my birthday I was blindsided. I have nothing else, and with no one else to have a life with, I will stay stuck in the bottom rungs of the rat race. A far cry from the optimism and hope of childhood and the teenage years.

I have become so tired of the constant "things will get better" trope, because they haven't and no one can guarantee that. I'm tired of the lack of acknowledgement from what little family I have, that I have been to therapy, taken meds, meditated and reached out wherever I could. I work a part time job on top of a full time job just for the insurance. That was supposed to be for my wife as well. Even then, who really thinks 50 minutes per week of talking to a therapist who charges 200+ dollars an hour is enough to change anything? I'm tired of the non-recognition of how the world we live in and it's systems are designed to keep the poors, poor. And that even if you have to slave away for the rest of your life, you can still be happy.

I thought if I couldn't rely on anything in this world, at least I had my wife. That was my only motive. I had absolute trust in her. We would support each other and make a life worth living. But I guess it was all a lie.
Years wasted, energy, effort, love, care, all wasted. And they were the supposedly prime years too. I was working my ass off waiting for her all this time, critical time I'll never get back. All thrown away in an instant. Like being used and discarded. I never in an eternity would have imagined it from this person.

There is nothing to fall back on. As much as my parents would be hurt, there is nothing they can do. My life went downhill a decade ago after their sudden divorce. I saw the hell my dad went through and still goes through. I never imagined it would be me in this position. Somehow he has stuck around after all the suffering he's had to endure. I just don't have that perspective.

All that's left now is to muster the courage and find peace. Even if it's only temporary.

Before my 13th birthday I knew and on the night of my 13th birthday I tried to CTB and failed. My earliest memories were of my mom being angry at me, cussing at me, beating me or threatening to. I was not a bad kid and quickly learned to be a submissive doormat but that didn't save me from my mom, just because she might have been angry about things that had nothing to do with me, she would seek me out to take her violence out on. My dad really didn't stop her or she'd simply treat me this way when he wasn't home. Mom and dad gave my older and younger siblings, cars, braces to straighten their teeth, driving lessons, they went to their proms and graduations and to college right after high school. I was given none of that at all. Not any one of these items yet both of my siblings were given all of them.

How effed up I felt as a child, teen and now adult. I was the middle child of 3, the only one who actually needed jaw surgery & braces. Never went to my own proms or my own graduation, not a damned person in my "family" even mentioned any of these events, never asked when they would be or made preparations to go to my graduation. It truly was like I was a ghost of some sort whereas big deals were made for my 2 siblings. No one mentioned any of the other glaring differences in how I was treated by my own parents and I was never actually hugged or told I love you by my mom. An aunt excused the abuse I and only I received by saying "you remind her of your dad, that's all." That's just the tip of the iceberg of what I've experienced at the hands of my "family." I've tried to CTB 3 times in my life and failed every effing time. I knew the shite life would be when I was a child and I tell you I was not wrong.

 

[diytopsurgery]

Honestly, it feels like my life was made for me to die "tragically young". I dont want to end up in my 60s full of regret or loneliness either.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

The realisation that any joy is short lived.

I know there will be nice times ahead but knowing they will be followed by more shit ones is just not worth it.

 

[BlazingBob]

Before my 13th birthday I knew and on the night of my 13th birthday I tried to CTB and failed. My earliest memories were of my mom being angry at me, cussing at me, beating me or threatening to. I was not a bad kid and quickly learned to be a submissive doormat but that didn't save me from my mom, just because she might have been angry about things that had nothing to do with me, she would seek me out to take her violence out on. My dad really didn't stop her or she'd simply treat me this way when he wasn't home. Mom and dad gave my older and younger siblings, cars, braces to straighten their teeth, driving lessons, they went to their proms and graduations and to college right after high school. I was given none of that at all. Not any one of these items yet both of my siblings were given all of them.

How effed up I felt as a child, teen and now adult. I was the middle child of 3, the only one who actually needed jaw surgery & braces. Never went to my own proms or my own graduation, not a damned person in my "family" even mentioned any of these events, never asked when they would be or made preparations to go to my graduation. It truly was like I was a ghost of some sort whereas big deals were made for my 2 siblings. No one mentioned any of the other glaring differences in how I was treated by my own parents and I was never actually hugged or told I love you by my mom. An aunt excused the abuse I and only I received by saying "you remind her of your dad, that's all." That's just the tip of the iceberg of what I've experienced at the hands of my "family." I've tried to CTB 3 times in my life and failed every effing time. I knew the shite life would be when I was a child and I tell you I was not wrong.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. My mom also never hugged or said she loved me. She hates me because I remind her of my dad. Nobody could be bothered to come to my college graduation. I remember going to prom and just getting dressed and leaving. Most families take pictures and make a big deal out of it. I was severely abused by both parents. This shit just sticks with you and eats at you. It's infected every relationship, jobs. I'm 51 and I would've thought I'd get over it by now but I'm worse now than ever. With the horrendous treatment I received, aside maybe with some serious intervention, ever stood much of a chance. All I know is that I just want out of this life.

 

[SoulCage]

I am also tired of the people saying that things get better.

My latest burnout is the reason why I lost all hope. I had at least 3 burnouts in the past, but the current one is the absolute worst. It was a job that gave me purpose and I felt proud being part of the project. But it turned out that I was not made for it. At first, I blamed the harsh profit-focused working conditions, but seeing that other colleagues were fine doing the job I realized that it had to be me. I got so overwhelmed, it destroyed my problem solving ability (even in my personal life) and it gave me headaches, dizziness, tiredness... Out of shame I quit my job because I couldn't function anymore.
This experience made me realize that it's not worth to start all over again, because I know I will just fail again. My only option is working in uncomfortable jobs that may not overwhelm me but instead just give me the pointless hamster wheel experience.

Right now I am still living off my savings and will try to find meds/therapy that makes me numb, because.... Even though I think about CTB every day and also have ideas and plans for methods, I am still not ready yet to put that one person through misery when I am gone. But if he gives up on me and there is no way to avoid homelessness... Then I am gone

*Edit: typo

 

[starrchaoz]

For me it was realizing that my life is never going to go anywhere. I've come to terms with the fact I'm never going to be good for anything, and I genuinely have no future ahead of me and I'll never get anywhere. It's better for me to die than to continue just being useless and wasting time and space here.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I was ok at up until my 15,999th consecutive day of repeating the same mundane shit. It was the 16,000th day that was the nail in the coffin for me.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

Many things. Life and death, the pointlessness of it all, the breeding purpose part of it makes me sick to my core.

The fact ive been betrayed and used, the fact my parents sat me in front of a computer in my early years, took my things away and got a new dog every 2 years only to sell them as its "too much work"

Ive had 12 dogs and multiple other animals i bonded with only to loose them, i'd cry myself to sleep each night and get told false promises, "We love you" never hugged me huh?

I stewed in my despair and high school was an utter wash, i was too mentally gone to even care, never once did i get any pointers or help. I was young you dumb fucks goddammit..

I cant bond anymore, too many deaths and departures, seen mangled bodies too, suicides.

I see the greed in this world, the people dying and i feel so powerless, i look at the jealous consumerist types and i just pity them if only for a moment.

I could go on but this isn't a pitty party, its all good, thats the short of why i wish to die.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

My nail in the coffin was when I realized my childhood trauma followed me into adulthood. Being left to take of a parent that favorited my brother over me for all my childhood even tho she's the reason im still here. Being blamed of vile things because of what my sibling did to people. It made me come to decision that brought me here and ultimately will make me CTB. Even more so being taken advantage of in every which way regardless if I notice or not and even if Ik Im being wronged the goodness in me always helps and it tears me down every second of everyday to the point of insanity. Generous and caring people like me don't belong in this world and society.

 

[MillieXIO]

It was definitely a lot of little things. I became somewhat friendless in middle school, and when I entered high school I was definitely friendless, no debate. Then the pandemic hit, and the few people I was talking to, I completely lost contact with. I went to college, failed every class despite being able to attend for free, lied to my parents about it, and am now mascarading as a straight A student when I have about 12 of the 60 supposed college credits I should have. I had gotten a job I really wanted at best buy, which my dad reacted horribly to because of the distance from home, and to put the cherry on the cake, I am not good at that job. I eased into self harm around that time, too. Now I'm trapped in long sleeve shirts.

Everything happening to me in my eyes is only bad. I have very little social skills, my dad is still working at 70 years old to pay my way through school, I'm an oops baby that my mom had at 40 and my dad at 50, and my only skill is being mediocre at video games. Everything is my nail in the coffin. But, this website is what made me consider suicide. And to think I found it from a viral video hating on it.

 

[carbanak]

Can I relate to this. My ex and I used to joke that we had a weird little family(us and our dogs), but it was ours and we didn't want it any other way. I thought our vows actually meant something, not just something that was said. This wasn't the last nail, if anything it was the first. I am sorry you are feeling this pain too.

Strange how it feels worse than losing someone to death. It's as if I lost a person, but someone else still occupies their body. I never thought I would experience that. Thank you

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Past trauma, regret, feeling like I'm not good enough, feeling cursed, and lost faith. I've held on this long because I wanted to make the best of life but I don't know how to do that any longer.

 

[Trakehner]

For me, it was the realization that life is never going to get better. The world isn't designed for individuals like myself. There is no hope for the future.