Discussion What was the last straw for you? Is there something that pushed you over the edge?

[lovemelovemenot]

As someone who can remember dealing with depression and suicide idealiation issues before even hitting puberty, I know this point has come from a slow build up of many things that have happened in the past. But what tipped it all over for me, was being cheated on by someone who I really thought was a good person.

I don't blame this person for what I'm going to do. I always felt ctb was invetiable, as I said there was already a ton of issues going on before. When I found out something just clicked, and I thought, yup... this is it. I'm done.

Was there anything similar for you guys? Or was it just simply you deiciding to go through with it?

 

[cornflowerblue]

As someone who can remember dealing with depression and suicide idealiation issues before even hitting puberty, I know this point has come from a slow build up of many things that have happened in the past. But what tipped it all over for me, was being cheated on by someone who I really thought was a good person.

I don't blame this person for what I'm going to do. I always felt ctb was invetiable, as I said there was already a ton of issues going on before. When I found out something just clicked, and I thought, yup... this is it. I'm done.

Was there anything similar for you guys? Or was it just simply you deiciding to go through with it?

When I met all of my goals in life, attained success in every way, and didn't have any hope in the form of "if only ___ then I wouldn't feel this way" anymore. So.... I guess being happy, loved, and fulfilled was what broke me, oddly enough.

 

[devil]

When I realized that no matter how many times I tried to think positive thoughts, my mind would always come right back to dying. Just like when you're around other people that are happy and discussing their future plans/goals and they ask you what you want to do with your life, but you don't have anything to say because everything is just blank. It made me finally see that no matter how many times I get help or try medication, nothing is ever going to make me want to live. It's not exactly something that pushed me over the edge, it's just the same consistent feelings that this world just isn't meant for me.

 

[Help_Me]

I think something suicidal was always within me. But it finally formed as my pure decision few years ago. There was nothing special about that, I just realized nothing will change no matter how hard I try. I had a simple goal of finding job and starting to live together with my gf. But that was just description of what I was doing in that moment. The main idea is that I experienced some sort of prophetic vision and just simply realized all my ideas and life goals are doomed. Curse the day I was born..

 

[Maksimka Ai]

This year, I finally realized that I wanted to die. I have a good job, a car, an apartment, BUT I AM ALONE, I have no friends, the girl with whom I met 5 years left me, suicide was always in me. Recently, I tried to change something again, and the person with whom I wanted to be, just laughed at my feelings, I was tired. My birthday is July 10th, but I don't want that day to come, I want to die. I'm tired

 

[SinisterKid]

Life

 

[shaddix]

I suppose I've spent around 6 years purposefully being single and taking time to "work on myself". I'm diagnosed with adhd bipolar 2 and I suspect either schizoid or paranoia but not professionally diagnosed. Spent a lot of time working on myself trying to improve my mental state after loss of a fiancée(infidelity). Well none of it seems to have helped in the slightest. I have deteriorated rather than gotten any better. I ended up in the hospital from panic attacks after being robbed by people who I thought were my friends. I ended up having my first full blown manic episode, fucking horrifying. I don't want to experience that again.

I'm grateful that the life I have is better than the life I would have had 100 years ago, but I am at 34 and my father is pretty much gone, he doesn't remember the previous day at this point. My life currently is basically my mom and dog, but I know dog will be happy regardless after some time. I've always been obsessed with death and existentialism. I'm a Christian so right after I cut the gas on I can ask Jesus for forgiveness and parkour my way to heaven! I might do it soon I might play another decade of Civ5 first, but I'm definitely going out by my own hand along with a big fuck you to the people siphoning my life away.

 

[Thelastanon24]

Finding out my ex was throwing out our friendship for her new bf. I believed there was real love between us (platonically) and knowing that there's none at all? Love is fake, nothing gets better.

 

[Going Home]

People and their abuse of freedom of speech to place my life in harms way and to degrade me.

 

[sadbunny]

Yeah when I lost my mind

 

[Rocksandsand]

Take your pick...

- No longer getting shifts at work... I love(d?) my job. Working with kids in Child Protection. The little wins of seeing a young person experience anything positive after surviving horrific circumstances always brought me amazing satisfaction. I haven't been fired, I just had to take so much time off after my last suicide attempt that I've dropped off the radar. And I don't think I'd be useful to a young person in crisis anymore, seeing as I am so close to suicide myself now

- Two rapes in the space of three months. That really fucks with your sense of safety in the world

- My partner, screaming at me in the mornings. I have a lot of childhood trauma myself, and when he stands over the bed and yells, it makes me feel so powerless that I dissociate. I can never remember the fights or hours after them.

- Medication and therapy not making a difference to how I feel. Psychiatrists trying to pigeonhole me into a diagnosis (a young suicidal female MUST have BPD ; never mind that I don't fear abandonment, have stable interpersonal relationships, and my mood doesn't fluctuate AT ALL).

All this has pushed me from 'depressed but surviving' to 'seeking death'

 

[Darkhaven]

Neurological disease diagnosis at 21

 

[not_a_robot]

The healthcare system &the way I've been shit on by it. Fifteen years has to be enough but I am trying to hold out for a few more, just to piss them off. Pigs.

 

[Kuolema]

There was no last straw for me. I too have been ideating suicide since before puberty. It didn't happen overnight but I eventually came to the realization that things aren't going to get better. I don't really want much out of life, but even that little that I do want I know I will never have, for various reasons. Every time I try to picture myself being happy and leading life the way I want to, real life punches me in the face and reminds me how pathetic and incapable I really am. The only thing that's keeping me alive at the moment is the conversations I have with my mum. But she is getting old and she is not healthy at all. I think that will be the last straw for me. When she finally passes, I'll have nothing to hold me back.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Being bullied, isolated and subjected to a hostile environment on a job after reporting bosses for abusing policies and discrimination. That experience led to

1. exacerbation of existing severe depression
2. dating two psychopaths and another toxic man. I was in such a bad state that I didn't see the red flags and these experiences destroyed my self esteem as well as my physical, emotional and mental health within a few months
3. loss of my long standing career which is all I had left to be proud of. Something inside me broke after this. I already had no family, no dating relationships and lost most friends
4. skin disease that's destroying my once beautiful face.

All of the dreams I had in my teens and 20's were all dashed after this. The only thing thats keeping me alive is that I need to sort out moving stuff from my apartment so I can CTB in private. I don't want anyone to know. I wish I never put my sister down as an emergency contact on my lease. I'm considering moving to another state and undergoing a legal name change before I die.

 

[DoneWithThis]

Short answer. Life itself. Longer answer. Realizing that no matter how many goals I achieved. No matter how many different skills and hobbies I tried to pick up. No matter how many distractions I tried to find for myself. That it didn't change how I felt deep down inside. I could temporarily trick myself, lie to myself, delude myself. But I felt the way I felt. And even though I didn't ask for this, or didn't want to take respondability fue this
I I simply finally had to accept the way I felt. And that was the last straw.

 

[Ralph334]

It was being involuntarily committed by my family. This was the most degrading thing I have ever experienced. It was especially hard for me because I know that psychiatry is completely fake.

 

[bath salts]

Realizing how completely and utterly helpless I am.

 

[Bruceleelives1969]

Peripheral Neuropathy in the Hands

 

[DreamCatcher]

The first time I tried to go at 17 I felt ashamed that I messed up my life. That too many bad choices were made and life wasn't worth continuing.

I should have listened! Because I was right.

Life happened afterwards, some good and bad. But if I had died then I think I would have skipped a lot of pain and agony that happened afterwards. I'm still making bad choices, and still suffering through everyday life. I'd rather just stop the pain and hit the reset button.

 

[Rollinggirl]

It is the fact that the same horrible feeling has been plaguing me for over 2 years....

 

[Saga]

for me trust...this person knew how fucked up i am...he was too and i never complained about it...he always made me feel like shit and i never tell him about it whenever i do it was my fault...it was always the same cycle everything is always my fault,he made me feel like shit and that i dont deserve to be around people...that is the last for me...so now...within a week or two hopefully i can ctb

 

[komm susser todd]

Simple put ive had suicide is a possibility for the past decade now. Lets just say that during high school i came to realizations myself that left in in a deep depression for some time.

Some real eye opening shit. Thought i was "normal" until i realized i wasnt. Hated myself for not seeing it for all those years and from there ended up developing loads of other negative feelings. Self loathing. Self hatred. Anxiety. Hated the piece of shit staring back at me in the mirror. Some agoraphobia. Mixed in with some psychiatric issues i never got over this ended up straining some of the relationships i had.

Up to now ive been on and off with my depression and was able to eventually just fucking deal with it. I had my close friends, the roof over my head, my college education. Even though i felt like complete shit, shit still worked out for me in some ways so i kept powering on. Though my education didnt lead to the exact future i wanted, i figured i could go back to school later once i have my shit together and study again for what i really wanted to do.

I should also mention despite being in my 20s i have never had a relationship with a woman. Forget sex, i never even kissed a girl. For the longest time how ever i never actually cared. I told myself and my friends that my dreams take priority. So long as i fulfill them, i could never have a significant relationship but still feel fulfilled and happy if i follow my dreams.

Anyways, the idea behind suicide as an option was if life ever got to hard, if i became homeless or completely unfulfilled then id just go ahead and end it quickly. Seems fair enough for some one who hits rock bottom. Id simply not give a fuck, go to work, go home, play video games, eventually make some money to move out then go back to school some time in my 30s to get my life back in order.

That changed how ever about 2 months ago. I came to the realization thay wasnt enough. Though i said i didnt care about a relationship with the opposite sex, i came to realize that i really do desire it. However what i dont want is just some one to settle with or just some one to fuck, i want a close, intimate relationship with some one i can trust with my feelings. Some one i can come home to after a hard day of work and feel like it was worth it just to see her. Some one that i can hold in my arms well into our golden years and still feel like i couldnt love anyone as much as her and for her to feel the same way.

The only real issue is...well the way i came to that conclusion is rather pathetic. I dont want to go into it, but all i can say is it fucking ruined my prospects for the future. My video games dont distract me anymore, i just keep thinking about what im missing and lose focus. Work is worse, just keep making mistakes because all i can think about is ending it. My dreams feel hollow amd empty and i can only see myself being alone and hollow even after doing everything i wanted to do. I became disillusioned before i even tried.

If some ones wondering why i dont just try and talk to a girl...well the problem is my psychiatric issues and depression left me broken. I dont feel like i deserve love. I dont want a woman to fall for me and end up being stuck with my dumb ass. I feel like im just going to let her down and be an anchor. Ill end up offing myself while were together and hurting her, because i already know these feelings of inadequacy will drive me over the edge. So im just gonna spare my future SO the trouble and end myself before i hurt her.

Mind you these recent developments are not the reason why i wanted to end myself, buy they sure as fuck are the needle that broke the camels back.

 

[Final Escape]

I think it was reaching middle age and recognizing that I had not been taught what is important in life, taught life skills to achieve this. Not meeting your full potential as a human being is so painful to swallow. Not having nothing to look forward to in the second half of life. Loneliness and isolation gets worse as u age so you really needed to establish healthy relationships and stuff in your youth or it's gonna suck in your older years. This is even worse if u are an introvert.

 

[hypo666]

felt suicidal ever since I developed mental illness which caused me to hear voices and get paranoid and I was unable to continue at university and I lost everything, my family ,friends, relationships, any future prospects. I had to be placed in a care home i was so ill. After some years I was allowed to live alone, and for more than a decade I barely existed , I had my little routine, felt relatively safe, then it all came crashing down when new younger neighbours moved in and I started to get paranoid about them.I took all their antisocial behaviour such as blasting bass music and throwing rubbish in my back garden personally thinking they new someone from the past when in reality now I think there were just cunts. After I blew up, made a suicde attempt and threatened the local drug dealer with a machete as I was sick of him doing this during the day and the police not giving a fuck... {you know what everyone keeps at home, a machete , I know I went nuts}..... I got sectioned, and was lucky to not end up in court. I scraped away from that, as it was deemed 'not in the public interest' to prosecute me. Instead I am heavily monitored in the community and am back in a care home. The last straw for me is, the local council want me to pay for my 'care' there, despite the fact I only get benefits, have no savings or property. They want 160 pounds a week off me.... It is all going to end really bad now. I think they are just waiting for me to fuck up so they can lock me up for good. rather die then end up back in hospital.

 

[Dreamcolleger]

I think it was reaching middle age and recognizing that I had not been taught what is important in life, taught life skills to achieve this. Not meeting your full potential as a human being is so painful to swallow. Not having nothing to look forward to in the second half of life. Loneliness and isolation gets worse as u age so you really needed to establish healthy relationships and stuff in your youth or it's gonna suck in your older years. This is even worse if u are an introvert.

Haha, this isn't my main reason but it would make a good contender, I felt what you're talking about at 22. Especially the part in bold sticks out to me, it's a very good justification for me to CTB. My answer to not meeting my potential (or close, for reasons that were totally avoidable) is that my full potential self wouldn't waste his effort living out what I have left. He would cut his losses and move on, which I hope I succeed in.

 

[oopswronglife]

A recent experience at a doctors office with a cruel and unempathetic person has really kicked the legs out from under my last bits of even imagined hope. If I was living alone I'd have just gotten it over with this weekend, but the logistics are difficult. Not saying I don't WANT to live...rather that since people continue to make that impossible with their own egos and bullshit that I can't see it being survivable. Things don't work out, people don't do what they should or what they say they will, and they actively harm for some self gain whether emotional or financial. I can't live in that world even if I want to be alive.

 

[malummo]

Partner's death. From day to day struggle with sorrow and pain. I'm not the same person anymore, cannot live with myself anymore. Because of fear, i abandoned attempt twice.
So angry at myself for that.

 

[HGL91]

The realization that life just gets harder and harder with age, and authentic joy and excitement becomes impossible to experience....

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

Haha, this isn't my main reason but it would make a good contender, I felt what you're talking about at 22. Especially the part in bold sticks out to me, it's a very good justification for me to CTB. My answer to not meeting my potential (or close, for reasons that were totally avoidable) is that my full potential self wouldn't waste his effort living out what I have left. He would cut his losses and move on, which I hope I succeed in.

Thats some real shit, yours and the reply you quoted. Looking at the immense chasm of difference between the person i am and the person i could have become if not for a small handful totally avoidable decisions/situations, is an unbelievably difficult pill that i dont think i will ever swallow. I feel like im more liable to swallow n or any other deadly drug first. In my eyes i have failed miserably. Even if I woke up a multi billionaire tomorrow id still be the same. Not saying there arent great things i could do with that money, but nothing i do will ever make me feel better about myself. Worst yet, no one to talk to that i can share the entire story with.